Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries –As if 2014 hadn’t already brought changes in perspective and prospectus enough, as if we haven’t been twisting, adapting, transitioning, transforming and transmorgrifying in leaps and bounds already this year, check this actual astro shite: on the 21^st we hit solstice, when the Earth will literally start tilting in the opposite direction, and on the same day, Uranus, the only planet named for a Greek rather than Roman god—the god of primordial chaos btw—comes out of retrograde and starts moving forward in the sky. Chaos reigns? Possibly. Even more unpredictable change, insights and stargates to unexplored territories? Probably. Suit up, turn on, tune in and don’t drop out. Be here.

♉ Taurus –The seas have been unpredictable, zany and loose lipped, possibly sinking ships and foundering well intentioned plans and objectives, enisling us on beaches with far too many cocoanuts and too few beach hotels and a distinct dearth of umbrella-ed tropical drinks and intentional peace and quietude. But now, we precipice on the edge of solstice on the 21^st when the Earth will literally hold still for a brief moment before tilting in the opposite direction and we enter a new and yet repeated paradigm. Seemingly small changes may have large consequences, so go from your gut, from whatever your center is, and regret nothing. The future is literally what you make it.

♊ Gemini -Uranus has been backwards for months now. Quick astro primer: planets orbit the Sun at different speeds, and on quite a regular basis they appear to move backwards in the sky from our Earthly pov, and Uranus has been slogging backwards for months. Quick historical primer: Uranus is the only planet named for a Greek rather than Roman god—the god of chaos btw, and has a reputation for renegade behavior, allegedly connected to the likewise renegade sign of Aquarius, whose ideas and imaginations transmorgrifies itself right out of the shapeless primordial chaos itself. And on the 21rst, the trickster god/planet stops moving backwards and gets its groove back. The Dr Pants suggets you do likewise. Be the change, for the time is ripe and willing.

♋ Cancer –Lots of sky energy has been slowly whipping and wending its way toward one of our twice yearly solstices, due on Dec 21^st when the Earth will stop tilting ever so briefly and start moving in the other direction, ending down unda’s summer and bringing more light to the northern hemi. If you’re a Druid, you probably already have plans, but this also means that the next full moon Jan 4^th will be in Cancer, and not to mention that for now anyhoo both Mercury and Venus traverse the Capricorn and the solstice also imlpies that the Sun is also Capricorn bound, and while Cancers may feel that Caps are too bounding and binding, they are the opposite, equal and often insatiable bed buddies for you of Cancerian ilk. Revelation, infrastructure adjustment and transcendental incursions to what you think is real, is unavoidable and overdue. Box: screw box, go outside.

♌ Leo –Sometimes you are better served by getting when the getting is good—know when to fold ‘em sorta thing, or maybe when to run, skedaddle and sidestep your way into a new matrix. Always leave your audience wanting, best to go out when you’re on top even if emotional strings might be endorsing safety in remaining in the tide pool where you’ve been surfing for perhaps far too many moons. There’s change in the sky and the air for Leos, and coming up to Dec 21^st might prove pretty wild, and briefly here’s some astro why: it’s solstice and the Earth literally starts tilting in the opposite direction, and on the same day Uranus—named for the god of primmordial chaos btw, stops its retrograde BS and heads off in a forward yet unpredictable direction. Embrace inevitable change and reap unregrettably the future.

♍ Virgo –A great singer once crooned, and the Dr Pants is paraphrasing here: Know when to hold ‘em, fold ‘em, know when to walk away, and know when to get the hell out of Dodge City. The same bearded minstrel also sang: I tripped on a cloud and fell eight miles high and tore my mind on a jagged sky, and pushed my soul in a deep dark hole and then I followed it in, then I watched myself crawlin' out as I was a-crawlin' in, I got up so tight I couldn't unwind, I saw so much, that I broke my mind. Uff da, right? The skies are rife and replete with predictable and comforting seasonal change, i.e. the solstice on the 21^st and regardless of what you think you’ve seen, you haven’t seen it all. Justine: prepare for exquisite and enlightening torture, that will later conjure as experience and wisdom.

♎ Libra –Uranus has been sleeping for some time. No—not your ass, but rather the only planet named for a Greek rather Roman god—the god of primordial chaos btw— these celestial retrogrades happen quite regularly—it’s boring and it’s math but it’s true, and so Uranus has appeared to move backwards in the sky, maybe napping or hibernating, dreaming dreams no mortal has ever dreamed of dreaming before, and on the 21^st he goes forward, maybe even viral, combining his boundless imagination with the power of a solstice—on the same day btw when the Earth literally starts tilting in the opposite direction—again, orbital mechanics, you can look it up. Not to mention this whole month— Mars, reputed planet of action and celestial decider in chief, rides without any known destination thru Aquarius—Imagine, don’t hesitate, then create something wonderful. Air signs are the dreamers of impossible dreams, are we not? Dream absurdly large.

♏ Scorpio –Peripatetic and secular have been a dream deferred for too long, and since the solstice is on the 21^st, as you know a sacred turning point where the Earth starts tilting in the opposite direction—if you’re a Druid you probably already have plans, and out of all the signs, those most likely to be Druish are the Scorps. You’re one of four fixed signs, meaning during the Sun’s journey thru your sign, there’s neither an eclipse nor equinox in sight, probably obsessing and fixating you on change, transformation transmorgrification and literally morphing into whatever you desire, admire and covet. And on this solstice, Uranus, the only planet named for a Greek rather Roman god—the god of primordial chaos btw—comes out of retrograde and spills his dreams thru out the stargate of the solstice. Whatever happens, you’ll be as happy as a scorpion in estrus.

♐ Sagittarius –Still plenty of Sag birthday Sun times for you half horsey centaurian Sag types—so party on, Garth. But it’s not all magaritas and moonbeams—soon you’ll be called upon to perform some Sag magic, probably around the 21^st when the Sun hits solstice and changes from Sag to Capricorn. And same day, Uranus, named for the god of primordial chaos, comes out of retrograde, spilling all his hibernating dreams and desires into our collective conscious. You may be asked to make leaps that even for your absurdly daring soul may seem daunting and doubtful—yet leap anyway regardless of net, despite caution which may be tossed to the wind beneath your imaginative feats. Nothing in the multiverse, not even the nothing that is dark matter can stop you now. Whatever you do will be brilliant and perfectly timed. Regret no thing, and press on, press on regardless.

♑ Capricorn –If you’ve felt lost asea for several moons searching for the perfect land mass on which to become enisled and bask in harmony rather than be befouled and befuddled by disparate forces that would seek to divide and part your seas and diasporize your peoples, the Dr Pants is here to tell you to officially: chill out. Quick astro primer: on the 10^th Venus moved into Capricorn, on the 16^th so does Mercury and on the 21^st the Sun hits solstice and likewise grooves into Capricorn for a solid month of goat on goat birthday party action. The 21^st is also your once yearly new moon, so your shite literally don’t stink and everybody wants a piece of it. Best part is all you gotta do is show up, and your most heartfelt intentions will do the rest, beaming your version of sun and moon light onto everything you love. All you intend is beatific. Nice work, paradigm.

Aquarius ♒ -The Dr Pants is guessing that the last few months, for those of Aquarian ilk anyway, have been wild, wooly, replete and rife with roller coasters of change, both in perspective and prospectus, both literally and metaphorically, unexpected journeys popping and cropping up at all angles, new fangled and unforseen. And come the 21^st the cake gets its icing when in one day the Sun hits solstice and moves into our buddy Capricorn, and Uranus—the only planet named for a Greek rather Roman god, god of primordial chaos btw—comes out of retrograde and takes off on whatever wild hair gets him off. These changes have all been pleasant and cleansing, even if surprising and unimagined, not to mention Mars has almost a whole month left in guess where—Aquarius. Forward, upward, outward, blossoming and burgeoning depsite a winter chill, breathe deep the gathering beauty, streaming and dis-believably resplendant. Believ anything, but just believe and your intended future will ensue. In essence— love and regret no thing, ever.    

♓ Pisces –Your power DC super hero of the week whom you should call upon, emulate,  engender and straight up plagarize is the Green Lantern. Actually, pick any color you like—altho the Dr Pants would maybe stay away from yellow—tends to be evil, pissy and revenge driven. The power of your ring and lantern relies and resides in the endless boundlessness of your imagination, infinte seas of potential, the absence of death and world without end. The solstice hits on the 21^st and the zodiac transitions to a simpatico watery earth sign, the Capricorn, and on the same day Uranus stops moving backwards—ending celestial retrograde action, nothing to do with your actual ass—and who knows what wackadoo things he’s been dreaming of during his yearly nap. Imagination is the key.

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

pantsmcturd.blogspot.com

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries –Heady times to be an fiery Aries and here’s some astro why: as we close November a lot of planetary action moves into Sagittarius—prime example is new moon and Sun into Sag on the 22^nd, but Venus is already there and Mercury will soon follow next week, and even tho Sag and Aries can be a conflagrationary duo, this time of year celestially speaking, not a destructive fire but a creative tool like a sun bringing light to this part of the ‘verse, life can’t exist without fire, and Sag never stops desiring and aiming for positive change—just like the Aries, n'est-ce pas? The sky is about to grant unfettered access to what you need, want, desire or lack. Ignite metaphorical fires.

♉ Taurus –Fire is not always destructive, consider the Sun encouraging life on Earth, or a lightbulb idea that sparks changes in perspective and prospectus, fire is light and light is a creator, the multiverse started in darkness and was birthed into light and life, so, fire = good. On the 22^nd, the Sun moves into Sagittarius and we get a new Moon in Sag, which leads to a full moon in airy Gemini in two weeks—the perfect fuel to the fire of creative and inspiring energies that only want to spread, disseminate and continue creating spurting fonts of new ideas, new worlds and new modalities of thought. Craving something new? Anxious for adventure? Step right up, fear nothing and jump into the light, you’ll come out the other side enlightened, weightless and shiny new.

♊ Gemini –Your half birthday times are here ushered in by a new Moon in Sagittarius and the Sun moving into Sag, both on the 22^nd. Sag btw is opposite from you Gems on the imaginary wheel in space that we call the ecliptic, the path the Sun follows in the sky. Sag is fire and you’re air and often each other’s booty call, but let’s talk history for a sec: Sag is a centaur, half human half horse, with perfect aim, and he loves to shoot, at anything and everything—hopes, dreams, wishes, destinies—Gem air is perfect fuel for Sag fire. Oh, and in two weeks we have a full moon in Gemini, so this is no birthday to half ass. Bring your full perfect ass to bear and start reigning and reveling in sage Sag fire. Hot hot, hot hot baths. Alter your future thru heat and fiery will.  

♋ Cancer –Crabs may prefer the quietude of a remote coastal escape during this tumultuous time of year, when Sagittarius takes over the sky, after driving the Sun thru the alimentary canal of the Scorpion—but if you do take a respite you might miss all the shennanigans. Posit: Sag is a centaur, half horse half man and the best shot in the galaxy, and while he’s not aiming at the star Antares at the heart of constellation Scorpio, he’s aiming at everything that trips his fancy—for better or worse. Centaurs want what they want and their desire is unfathomably deep and insistent. And even tho the calendar year is ending, it’s actually a celestial rebirth, new life that wants to experience everything. This week, step outside your shell and let some arrows fly, maybe even get hit with a few. The resulting change could be unbelievable, unsuspectingly cathartic and long awaited.

♌ Leo –The constellation Sagittarius, a fellow fire sign and one as impatient for changes of scenery as Leos are, is very close in our sky to the galactic center of the Milky Way and therefore contains lots of nebulae—the birthplace of stars, energy, light and new beginnings, which is entirely apropos, keeping in mind that fire isn’t merely destructive, it also creates life—the Sun for example, or a light bulb of an idea that changes perspectives and prospectuses for better or perceived worse. On the 22^nd the Sun moves into Sag, we get a new Moon in Sag and all hellfire might break loose—or heavenfire. Does heaven have fire? Wait, Leos are athiests, shite! Hold tight, things might get Wyyrd.  

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♍ Virgo –Briefly: opposite you on the imaginary wheel in the sky that we call the ecliptic—a three dollar word for the path of the Sun across our sky—is watery Pisces, a cardinal sign—one that ends with an equinox—one of two per annum, and the sign of Virgo, also cardinal which also ends with an equinox—equanimity? Mayhap. More explicitly: our current celestial outlook is about a new moon in Sagittarius and our Sun also moving into Sag both on the 22^nd –and Sag is also a cardinal sign, one that mutates into Capricorn and the solstice and tipping points of all kinds come year’s end. Upheave, uplift and upturn the metaphorical dirt under your mind’s nails, and clarity will rule the week.

♎ Libra –It may seem odd for new beginnings at year’s end, but don’t believe your calendars, and to hell with incoming northern hemi winter right? This time of year is ripe for rebirth, recycling, renewal and whole new sets of challenges and beautiful change, here’s some symbolic astro why: the Sun’s about done with Scorpio and on the 22^nd moves into Sagittarius, a fire sign which loves to light the way for anyone with air to burn. Sag btw was a centaur, half horse with the best aim in the galaxy, who hits whatever he aims at—granted, sometimes you never know what you’re asking for till you get it, but the Dr Pants is implying that with Venus already in Sag and Mercury soon to follow on the 27^th, all signs should be asking for what they want, not just in some Santa Claus way, but to ask the multiverse for what has been lacking, absent, awol, or just out to lunch. Arrows to the ready, you’re air apparent and fuel to any fire.  

♏ Scorpio –Scorp Sun times are always a challenge, n'est-ce pas? Lots of bacchanalian birthdays, life, death, renewal, and digging in the dirt to find and heal the places we got hurt. Yet despite your machinations, the sky is moving towards a distinctly Sagittarian vibe in a big way. Venus went there on the 16^th and on the 22^nd the Sun and the new Moon move into Sag and on the 27^th so does Mercury. That said, Sag is a centaur, half man half horse, and he’s the greatest marksman in the galaxy, who can aim for multiple targets at once and hit them all dead center. Also consider that the Sag desire for things, people, ideas and destinies is endless, boundless and unstoppable, and this month the sky is all about centaurs—endless desire and constant striving for positive change. Happy future.  

♐ Sagittarius –Don’t go home. Go way big. Here’s some astro why: perfect sultry Venus moved into Sag on the 16^th and on the 22^nd the Sun moves into Sag, which = birthday Sag times!, and on the same day the new moon is also in Sag, leading up to a blow out full moon in two weeks in your astro mate and often bed buddy Gemini, and the 27^th Mercury also moves into Sag. It’s a virtual Sag fest and you’re leading the charge. Impulsive? Yes. Center of the multiverse and everyone’s favorite trouble maker? Yes. Don’t get greedy, but do be over zealous. It’s Sag party time, so lose your pants, do your dance and in general ask for anything, ask for multiple anythings or anyones—the floor and the sky are yours for the taking. Happy birthday times, you brilliant scoundrel and insane raconteur.

♑ Capricorn –The sky is moving from Scorpio fire water into fun never stops Sagittarius, mostly on the 22^nd , so fiery creative change is afoot, and here’s some astro why: Sag is a centaur, half man half horse, and he’s the best shot in the galaxy, in fact his celestial arrow and perfect aim is forever trained on the star Antares at the heart of constellular Scorpio just in case he goes on another murderous rampage, but Sag is also aiming for his desires, which are numerous, unfathomable and insistent. And even tho the calendar year is ending soon, Sag portends a solstice, the upswing of our entire globe, and irreverence bounded by no one’s poor taste. Change your mind, maybe change your life.

Aquarius ♒ -Skywise, everything is coming up Sagittarius—Venus is already there, and on the 22^nd the Sun moves into Sag, there’s a new moon in Sag and on the 27^th Mercury will move into Sag, all of which should be a boon and bounty to air types like us. Brief historical primer: Sag is a centaur, half horse half man, and he’s the best shot in the galaxy, sometimes credited with inventing archery, and his celestial arrow is always aimed at what he wants, loves, desires and seeks to assimilate. Whatever an Aquarius wants—who knows, right?—aim with your heart, not your eye, and take down from the sky a piece—a seed of what you want your life to be—soon we will sow, garden and reap. 

♓ Pisces –Since you’re the oldest water sign, and the sign that transitions us from the end of the zodiac to the beginning in Aries, let’s talk seriously for a moment about beaver, and how it’s your power animal for the week. (for actual astro knowledge read any other sign) Before mankind started damming up rivers and over-manipulating the planet’s watershed, the beaver had already been doing it for a milennia. They dam rivers causing water to collect and pool, drawing insects and birds that couldn’t previously exist when water moves too fast for life to take hold. Before the 19^th century, there were 60 million beavers in North America, who knows maybe the beaver was on its evolutionary path to planetary domination, until us monkeys ate all the Neanderthals for breakfast. This week, be the beaver, dam what you will, and as usual make your environment a product of you.

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries –Into the cave you must go. Your weapons, you will not need them. What’s in there is only what you take with you. So, don’t take a sword or a gun because then you become the gun and your nature is perverted by your own doing, which might lead you to whack off your own head. Don’t be more machine than man, but rather seek thou to hanged encompassing thy joy, despite your fear. Briefly, actual stuff: 4^th largest gas bag Neptune yet most dense, only officially part of our collective unconscious and subterranean floor plan since like 1845, comes out of retrograde on the 16^th, along with all the shite we’ve put off for a later date. Well, it’s a later date. Open the floodgates.

♉ Taurus –Four of the twelve signs are known as fixed signs, which does not imply stubborness, obstinacy or even self entrenched psychological warfare, even tho a Taurean enthusiast might say different. Howsomeever, fixed actually refers to the circular nature of the zodiac and hold tight, cause there be math here: there be 2 solstices and 2 equinoxes per earth year, right, specific turning points re the literal tilt of the Earth, right, and 8 of the 12 signs lie abut to these special cyclical earth-sun-moon positions. But 4 of the 12 are fixed—Taurus, Scorp, Aquarius and Leo—having nothing to do with such hoi polloi and everyday hoo ha. Breathe, observe, keep breathing, and then let flow.

♊ Gemini –This whole week is like one of those mornings when you wake up early, before the sun, sky still inkling with pre dawn light, maybe some fog and early morning moonlight, and you walk out into the yard or the street and you’re barefoot and still pajama-ed, and there’s something about the air that brought you out, it’s chilly but humid and warm and you think, why can’t all the earth stay in this moment of splendid suspended moisture forever and a day, and why can’t this moment extend my subterranean misplaced dreams and create a stage for even a moment, where the slippery photons illuminate a bolder reality, a somehow more real version of samsara, a loop in time which repeats this rare perfect moment. Dream, therefore you are. All green lights.

♋ Cancer –Waking dreams, mirages, sleights of hand or even foot may appear before your open disbelieving eyes and ears in the coming weeks, and here’s some weird why: Neptune, officially part of our collective conscience since 1845 or so, comes out of retrograde on the 16^th, and even tho our relationship with this orb is still new-ish, compared to Venus or Jupiter which humankind has been watching for as long as we’ve had eyes, we’ve named it after the god of the sea, of bottomless abysses and mysteries that we will ever try to rope within our ken. And now this planet of subconscious subterranean blue green gas will be moving forward in our sky along with the rest of normal stellar traffic. Finally, dream forward and let go the past.

♌ Leo –Halloween and Day of Dead just happened, but this week is when the veil betwixt this world and the next couple is sheer indeed, and here’s some weird why: there’s this big dense ball of methane and ammonia that we’ve named after the god of the sea, master of unknowable and bottomless deeps, purveyor of all things that you never woulda guessed were even possible—Neptune, and as of the 16^th he’ll stop his retrograde crap and move forward in the sky along with the rest of stellar traffic, conforming for now anyhoo to our current level of samsara, where all eyes can see what’s been furrowed, forgone and forsworn, perhaps out of fear, ignorance or even bliss. Victory from the jaws of defeat? Mayhap. Overturned tables that were bolted down? Probably. New beginnings? Yep.

♍ Virgo –Some neat math that the Dr Pants will keep brief: the super dense gas bag Neptune was discovered on paper around 1845 before it was ever seen with a human eye—altho Galileo was damn close over 200 years earlier—and since 1845, Neptune has orbited the Sun a total of one time, just once. One orbit taking around 165 years. Your great great, maybe even three greats, grandparents were busy trying to survive the 19^th century when Neptune became part of our collective knowledge. We named it for the god of the sea, the bottomless deep where mysteries will ever be beyond our ken. And on the 16^th, this strange outer planet comes out of a sleepy retrograde, and dreams and fantasies may hit the real world stage, even if only for a brief flicker. Get organized for new and yet old and familiar yet starkly different realities. Déjà views…

♎ Libra –Here’s some facts: Neptune is the fourth largest of the gas giants yet it’s the most dense, it was discovered on paper around 1845 before anyone ever saw it thru a telescope, ancient astrologers had no idea it existed so everything we ascribe as its meaning has evolved arbitrarily in very recent history. All that said, Neptune is the god of the sea and deep mysteries, of dreams and ideals, knowledge that is ever fleeting with last nite’s REM cycle, and on the 16^th this blue gas bag comes out of a long sleepy retrograde and starts moving forward with the rest of stellar traffic. Déjà views and random interstellar incoherence coupled with sensory bliss. Don’t ask, just go with it.

♏ Scorpio –The great gig in the sky for you this week is all about Scorpio, so let’s talk some shop: there are 12 signs, divided into 3 groups, of which Scorpio is known as a fixed sign, which could imply obstinacy, intractibility and/or an insistently stubborn demeanor—but, picture the zodiacal circle, which cannot help but be seasonally based—Taurus and Scorp & Aquarius and Leo are all fixed—actually referring to their position on the circle. There’s two solstices and two equinoxes per Earth year, right, so 8 of the 12 signs border one of those four orbital turning points. The 4 fixed signs however don’t have anything to do with the changing of either guard or season, but with the unwavering solidity of genius. Happy continued birthday times, you beautiful dreamtime philosopher.

♐ Sagittarius –Do some stretches, get limber, make sure your tools are sharp, renew your ocular prescription and be ready to tilt at windmills, golden parachutes, or even your most passionate far flung dreams that you imagine in your mind will make you complete, fullfilled at least for now, till the season and your equine will changes, and you charge a different horizon. Two things, both on the 16^th: Neptune, god of the sea and unkowable mystery comes out of retrograde, and Venus planet of perfect beauty, moves into Sagittarius, and all this sets up a solar transition into Sag on the 22^nd. It reeks of adventure, realization of previously subconscious and subterranean ideals, and hearty birthday spankings. Breath deep the gathering perfect Sagittarian storm.  

♑ Capricorn –The overwhelming majority of stars in our sky moves in predictable spinning fashion above us, but from our earthly pov all the planets in our solar system occasionally appear to move backwards in the sky. Mercury does it 3 times a year, so does Venus, even giant Jupiter goes into reverse once a year—the farther out the planet, the longer the retrograde lasts and perhaps deeper is the meaning which it portends and fulfills. This week consider Neptune, god of the sea, fourth biggest gas giant and symbolic of all things deep and rife with endless mystery, who comes out of retrograde motion and moves ‘forward’, probably into more nebulous dreamy territory where our id and ego get intimate and hopefully plan together for the future. Eyes ever to the horizon.

Aquarius ♒ -Galileo Galilei (allegedly born Feb 15 btw) is our archetypal Aquarian for the week and here’s some weird context: he isn’t given credit for its discovery, but Galilei saw Neptune in the sky (barely) and thought it was a fixed star, mostly because when he observed it, it was in retrograde and not moving along with the normal flow of stellar traffic. Flash forward to mid 1800’s when Neptune was mathematically discovered on paper and then seen thru a telescope, and then named after the god of the sea, of the unknowable depths, the master and sole purveyor of everthing you’ve relegated to your subconscious and subterranean mindset, to be dealt with later as more ‘facts’ arise. But here we are, on an actual brink, where the layers between worlds are thin and you see the path ahead like no one else can. Embiggen the path, and lead the way.

♓ Pisces –MMMmmmm, fish soup, cioppino, warm salty seas full of weird sea mammals, like manatees, and even stranger fishy types like male birthing seahorses—the equines of the ocean—as well as quickly vanishing insights, expletives, and an eternal moment of peace arising from your unification with the ocean, the deeps, the ever unknowables and a deep connection to your id and what it means to want something, something specific, something that can’t be described in paltry phrases or empty sentiments, all of which are tripe and bullshite. Step 1: eat a lot of fish. Step 2: Dream the dream that fishes dream. And 3) merge yourself with what/who/where you want to be/do/are. Then, go to there.

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

pantsmcturd.blogspot.com

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries –If a scorpion asks you for a ride across the river just because you know how to swim, maybe counter offer with him giving you a ride, because we all know what happened to the frog, right? It's my nature, my ass. Brief astro primer: in Oct little bastard Mercury started to move into Scorpio for its yearly 3 week stay, but due to a retrograde got sucked back into Libra’s insatiable lust for things intended to remain hidden. The god Mercury btw was the emissary and guide to the Underworld, and the Scorpion is symbolic of the afterlife and all things trying to evade the light, and in this case the river in question is Styx. The Dr Pants isn't saying avoid all Scorps and what they're selling, just beware their wares for they may illuminate a world you had yet to imagine.

♉ Taurus –Nice full moon in Taurus this week right? Not too stumbly, bumbly, or crisis inducing, like so many a full moon in more erratic signs. And this week continues to be all about Scorpio, your astro opposite, equal and oftentimes horndog bedmate. The Sun, Mercury, Venus and big gas bag Saturn are all in the same corner of the sky trying to reap the whirlwind out of the wild Scorpionic ride into the Underworld, thru the afterlife, and rebirthing back into this current samsara at month's end when we’ll traverse into a Sagittarius Sun, for an other worldy education that should make November eye opening, catharsis inducing, like the end of a shroom trip—intense and then… all tingly and good.

♊ Gemini -Back in Oct. when old hot little bastard Mercury—so close to the Sun btw that it orbits once every 3 Earth months, causing not coincidentally 3 Merc retrogrades per annum—yet fret nary, for Merc's done making waves, but a month back Merc tried to move into Scorpiotown, but due to retrograde got sucked back into Libra for some extra canoodling, cavorting and coercion, possibly in the form of handcuffs and spankings—and yet somehow Scorpio gets the nympho reputation, ha! This week on the 8th, Merc will escape the mistress Libra and go back into Scorpio again, not coincidentally, for about 3 weeks, and what was put off or stowed for later use may come back for a visitation, hands on healing, and intimate mutual decisions. Try to act surprised.

♋ Cancer –Lest we forget, hot little bastard Mercury travels thru all 12 signs in one Earth year for about 3 weeks each, and last month Merc started its journey thru Scorpio when a retrograde happened and pulled Merc back into Libra for extra sessions of tongue lashing worship and idol conversations. Retroactively, the god Mercury was known as an emissary and guide to and from hell, the afterlife and all things chthonian, where all souls and shadows of souls shall ever reside, and as of the 8th, he'll finally re-start his 3 week play date with Scorpio, who btw is symbolic of the Underworld and all things unseen, unheard and kept from the light. Resurrection? Possibly. Walking undead? Mayhap. A mysterious journey to the heart of it all? Most likely. Ride the scorpion, learn the truth.

♌ Leo –Quick astro primer for you too-busy-to-study, leonine savannah stalkers: Mercury goes thru each of the 12 signs every Earth year for about 3 weeks a pop, and in early Oct. it tried to move into Scorpio, but then a retrograde happened—happens 3 times per annum btw—and hot little bastard Merc got sucked back into Libra for extra snuggle and spanking time, either with or without handcuffs and spandex. But as of the 8th, Mercury finally gets to traverse the length of the Scorpion from stem to stern and tip to tail, but what happens inside the scorpion won't stay there because Scorpio wants to shine light on everything no matter how many layers lie atop. Open the doors and let the sun shine in, clear the cobwebs and deal with whatever Pandora has to offer, it'll be a welcome change and manna from heaven fer sure.

♍ Virgo – You've already waited forever, what's another year? Wait, no that's BS, sure there's timing to be considered, but there's big shovel ready projects awaiting green lights, like clean your bathroom, set up an IRA, go back to school, learn to drive a stick in case of zombie apocalypse, in fact maybe learn a new skill every week to prepare for the inevitable undead onslaught, which is estimated to be sometime in 2022, which if you don't think times a flyin, consider that 2022 is only 8 years away, so quit dawdling, farting around and hay stacking cause it's time to spend some spiritual capital and raise your earthly estate to the next incarnation. The sky’s suggest you put off no further. Iron = hot, strike, then watch the sparks.

♎ Libra -Something, someone or even someplace might come back to haunt, rejoice or even blast you off on an unexpected course due to celestial shenanigans, which the Dr Pants will explicate thusly: hot under the collar Mercury, named after the god who has a free travel pass in and out of the Underworld, started his once a year journey into Scorpio when one of a thrice yearly retrograde happened and Merc got sucked back into Libra, who apparently hadn't been fully satisfied, consequence is Libra got way more Merc time. Howsomeever, retro is done and as of the 8th the Scorpion, symbolic of the Underworld itself, will get to have its way with Merc, Underwolrd sherpa, for about 3 weeks. Past life experience intruding on present time? Another Tunguska Blast of 1909? A chance to do it again, but better? Mayhap. Keep your senses peeled and alert.

♏ Scorpio –Heliocentrically speaking, we’re deep within the bowels and innards of the sky Scorpion with a couple weeks yet to go. And as of the 8th, hot little bastard Mercury finally gets its Scorpio three week getaway, after Libra got greedy and took advantage of a retrograde. Furtherly, until the 16th sea foam nympho Venus is also in Scorpio. Things are definitely coming up Scorp, and while it lasts, continue letting the sun shine in on all of your agenda, dark will become light, heavy will become weightless and worrisome will become irrelevant. Party on, Garth and happy birthday times, you sexy underworld beast. Your shite literally don't stink.

♐ Sagittarius -Quick astro and historical primer: Mercury was named for a god who could travel freely between this 'real' world and the after-life, he was an emissary and guide to all things dark and secret from both humanity and the light of day. That said, because of a recent retrograde, Merc got sucked back into Libra and waylaid from its journey thru the Scorpion, which as of the 8th will be begin in earnest and rarin’ to go after a long wait. Furtherly, the Scorpion is symbolic of the Underworld, and little bastard Merc is headed straight down into the great maw of the allegedly poisonous beast. Keep your arrows at the ready, un-dope thine eyes, a journey is afoot.

♑ Capricorn -Last month, hot little bastard Mercury started down the garden path into the land of Scorpio, symbolic of the Underworld and things better kept hidden from an easily driven mad humankind, but then retrograde happened as it does 3 times per annum for Merc, and it got sucked back into Libra for some extra probably kinky coital services, and Scorp gets the nympho reputation, ha indeed! But as of the 8th, Merc and Scorp will have their 3 week play date. Also of note: The god Mercury was the emissary and guide to the Underworld, the afterlife and everything that lay beyond our human ken. That said, what have you repressed, buried or left for dead? Resurgence? Possibly. Reincarnation? Mayhap. Secrets and truthiness? Mos def. Trippy shite, yo.

Aquarius ♒ -The god Mercury, emissary and guide to the Underworld and also a super heated planetoid, will finally begin its 3 week play date in the Underworld via Scorpio, master of death and frequent flyer of Underworld Airlines, after a lengthy retrograde stay in Libra. This combination of Merc and Sun in Scorp won't prove lethal, but probably enlightening, catharsis inducing and knowledge endowing. What have you buried, put off, left for later/never? What have you been avoiding, averting or ascribing to someone else's back yard? Might even be stuff you've completely forgotten about. Time is ripe to revisit, revitalize and refresh. What you don't see has been missing your touch.

♓ Pisces -Despite Halloween having come and gone, the Underworld and afterlife are the celestial themes for the week, so the Dr Pants will leave you in the good hands of John Milton from Devil's Advocate, aka Al Pacino, aka the devil himself. "You sharpen the human appetite to the point where it can split atoms with its desie; you build egos the size of cathedrals; fiber-optically connect the world to every eager impulse; grease even the dullest dreams with these dollar-green, gold-plated fantasies, until every human becomes an aspiring emperor, becomes his own God... and where can you go from there?" Time to get your van down to the river Lethe, the river of dreams, sleep and avoidance, clean the debris from her shores and prepare for an unexpected, more humble and wide open future.