Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

         Dr. Pants McTurd's MORE Than True Horror-scopes
                                

disclaimer: Satire repeats itself only once a lifetime, for the well is deep as is the panoply                                                                      of ever changing targets.

this week: I've always wanted to use panoply in a sentence without sounding like a jerk.                                                                     Can I have another shot at it?

Aries- Yadda yadda pain is a teacher, we evolve because of and through adversity, blah blah blah. Gimme a break, let me win the lottery just once, I mean really, is it too much to ask for a million free dollars? Money is freedom, right. And there are those whose self interest is focussed like a white hot laser, there are those who would keep us from our freedom, keep us from our inalienable human rights. Freedom is no priviledge, I am not required to earn it, it is my birthright and never the twain shall cleave my divergement™. Wherever our revolutionization™ ends, know that I'm with you, brother/sister/lover/possibly close relative/soulmates-- just the three of us, we can make it if we try. You and you and I.

Taurus- I refuse to spell tomorow correctly. Likewise with suprise. What the fudge is with all the extra r's in the world? And don't get me started on gh combos. Shove this in your Funk & Wagnall's: lite, nite and brite. And hey you, ph's of the world-- you're on notice too. The world's ending this year alright. We're headed for a future where we waste no time holding on to what are now illogical spellings based on a thousand years of barbarian hordes, visigoths and vikings, and murderous romans hacking out our evolutionary alphabet from our shared past, lest we repeat it. Or maybe we should hold on to the past. Light, night, bright, tomorrow and surprise. If we are not our history, who are we? Call Joseph Campbell and stock up on canned goods.

Gemini- The tangential and tertiary quality with which you move is supine, lupine and unapologetically vulpine. Look 'em up, those are real words. And their legitimacy is founded upon our mutual agreement of non binding and ethereal contracts, whose nature is undeterminable and flagrantly foiled by self flagellators, who would rather whip themselves than feed someone who's hungry, or imagine a world that he/she/you/us/we is not the center. The chains of your self-imprisonment are nearly rotted through with rust. Summon the strength of the four winds, or horsemen, or Tops that you can finagle over to your weird crusade, for dragon fighting is near. Yet fret little, the dragons often get winded, becoming easily catchable and trainable, like seals or politicians. Your victory is intensely assured.

Cancer- The other day, I really wanted a piece of gum. I was headed out, long drive across town, and I picked this jacket out of the closet that I only wear like twice a year. Don't know why. It's actually a nice casual jacket, that rare piece of clothing that combines functionality and me not looking like a complete slob, despite my cheap shoes, nary a brand name in sight because we still allow items made by children to be for sale here in america because profit + cheap skins/pelts/cotton blazers = righteous profiteering. Anyhoo, got in the car, felt something in my pocket, and voila!, a gift from past me to future me... a pack of gum that I bought six months ago, and BINGO BANGO!, I got gum. My point, though rambling, is that you should make a present for yourself that you'll find in the future. Make your own wormhole.

Leo- Holy fishmongers, you guano crazy son of a gunner's mate first class that sailed on the SS Verne back in 1812, the war that time made me confused in regard to and etceteras®. The war was over, but people kept shooting, and you had that hallucinatory episode where you thought that all of us were communist pagan zombie worshipping brain humpers, and that nuclear monkeys were about to invade the Ardenne Forest with flatulence bombs®, so you decided to post all the lurid pictures of your ex girlfriends' mothers on FB, and were later questioned and released, some say by the hair on your chinny-chin. You are a twisted tyrannical testament to the wonderful diversity of Allah, Bhudda and my recently late Great Uncle Al. But you dress groovy and everyone digs your scene, so feel free to engender transcendence in- and ex- ternally. The sun is your only equal.

Virgo- It is foolish to think that if science and conscience ever find parallel lines, and fringe factions of society stop blowing shit up, that we could end poverty in this world. Surely not disease. Surely there is no hope for an end to capitalistic fervor and need for power as is our birthright and ubiquitous obsession. The list of humanity's needs is long, and we are subject to the randomness of events out of our control, so how does the will of one person, the life force of merely one human being in the face of ever increasing billions supposed to reconcile the opposing sides of this matrix we've built ourselves into and are now floating together amidst a sea of? We all know you know the answer. Engage.

Libra- Is it foolish to think that if science and conscience ever find parallel lines, and the fringe factions of society stop blowing shit up, that we could end poverty in this world? What about disease? Surely there is no hope for an end to capitalistic fervor and need for power as is our birthright and ubiquitous obsession. The list is long for humanity's needs, and we are subject to the randomness of events out of our control, so how is the will of one person, the life force of merely one human being in the face of ever increasing billions supposed to reconcile the opposing sides of this matrix we've built ourselves into and are now floating together amidst a sea of? Questions with no answers quickly fester. Order a pizza and relax.

Scorpio- Evolutionary math drives my fascination with ferreting out every facet of our fickle foibles. After tedious study, one could argue that the complexity of god's science, which used to be called magic, and before that alchemy, and before that, ugg ug ugg ugg-- look I said in the interview that my neandertal was at best, kitchen fluent..., I'm just saying that when it comes down to an instinctively created context, that our genes, nay and lo our very atoms are god's blueprint®. We lack the stamina to comprehend the sheer immensity of it all, because fer reals-- infinite is infinite, and wow, that's large and untenable. I say, tread cautiously and hoist a high petard, for there are pirates about our brains, ones that would steal our booty and keelhaul our freedom.

Sagittarius- Words with double L's really twist my nads. We get it-- make an L sound with my big fat mouth. Shuuuuut up. You don't need to hit me over the head with it. And don't get me started on the word paralel, or balroom, or ilegaly. Who decides this crap? I say we rise up, revolutionizate™ and declare that english need not be so obtuse. How about we stop subjecting people who want to learn our beautiful language to needless over lettering? It's a new era, the future is happening faster and faster; and we deserve, nay.. 'tis our right and our destiny that speling be made less needlesly overly complexicated® and divisive. And yes, I'm aware of how speling bees would be affected, but dammit, we're talking about the free market of language. Plant a flag in the future, my fellow furry lamas!

Capricorn- Pragmatism is not a whirling dervish, though both their divinations end at the same doorway to "understanding". Now, add wine, preferably red and pontificate: In vino verisimilitude® and skepticism are the proverbial holy grail. Agrippa made a religion out of non belief, that is to say, that to question everything proves that nothing is provable, therefore: the sum of all fears appears to be a holy pulchritude, a siren in the form of fermented grapes that transcends us into the next realm, where logic is open ended and nothing is certain because that is not in its nature, certainty is a myth. Truth is beauty and beauty truth, but only from a certain point of view. Currently yours is the fabled cat bird seat. More wine?

Aquarius- Redundancy is akin to peeing into your friend's potted plant in front of the entire wine and/or cheese party, proclaiming, that this land is our land, and that you can pee any place you want. We Aquarii are constantly under pressure to use our lightning like brains to come up with new shit all the time. It's annoyingly fun. However, being human will inevitably gravitate to the tedious, despite my insistence otherwise, and that's when I reach for a sedative. Something mild, possibly bourbon based, but guaranteed to lift my palette, my senses, and my bravery. It's after the third B&B&B that I begin to repeat the same joke, the same story, the same ribald tale of a cockfight I once officiated... against my will, long story. But for now, relax, and stay coolly aloof. It's almost our birthday and bourbon is our friend until Lent.

Pisces-  I burned the crap out of my hand the other day. Turns out that yes, that coffee was hot. Lava hot actually. The heat of a thousand white hot suns took control of my energy field, but mind over matter, stabbing my urge to pout like a four year old, I got hold of the physical sensation of pain, and I held sway over it, took it to court and restrained it, preventing it from wresting from me the reins of my senses, all the while telling myself that I am stronger. I can morph the pain into a an esoteric plaything with the flick of a mental switch, pain's supremacy will only devolve, I will heal, and my my hurt and my innermost desires may remain in quiet hibernation, no longer subjected to the glaring light of the thousand white hot suns, which remind me of your presence, of your warmth and your separation of church and state. What a pisser. And I'm sorry for our loss, but I grok its necessity and pragmatism. Be well.