Dr. Pants McTurd's MORE Than True
Horror-scopes
disclaimer: Satire is nonrefundable. You’re stuck
with the truth of it.
this week: Buy me a drink, sing me a song, take
me as I come cause I can’t stay long…
Doc P’s Word of the Week: spruik. If you have a moment for a quick presentation, I can explain the word and
tell you about a great opportunity to get in on the ground floor of this bridge
that I know is for sale.
Aries- I propose that
we stop using the word retarded in general conversation when describing
something inane or fubar. Insensitive labels are for beauty magazines and
insensitive jerks with too much money and too little brains. Here's a brand new
substitute word I just invented-- Petarded™, as in 'A dumbass who has been
hoisted by his own petard'. You are an evolved beast that should lead the
rest of us hoi polloi into the promised land of equanimity, acceptance and
love. Don't jolly roger yourself up the mizzen mast with petarded words. Make
your words golden and don’t be a petard.
Taurus- A famous Sanskrit
verse tells us that “our present is the result of all our yesterdays, and the
future depends on how well we live today”. Well... today I would like bourbon
for breakfast and black licorice for lunch, and then a nap. I want the return
of Naked Tuesdays® and an easier way to get my fix. I want freedom for my
brothers and sisters, who even today, suffer bondage and persecution. I want
underwear that doesn't hamper my balls' natural range of motion. I want to
become chocolate, so that I can experience one of your own obsessions. I want
many things. Get out of your sleepy bunk, sailor—things are about to become
funk-a-liciously weird and esoterically slippery.
Gemini- Try not to get your knickers in a twist, but
you're in a deluge and riding naked in a barrel headed straight for Calamity
Falls!®. Ah yes... hyperbole, the enemy of the
fearful and the tiny of rectum. Don't take my word for it-- plunder yourself a
new future! Your mettle is beyond reproach and your intelligence superb even in
its infancy. Abjure those who would fight against you, take no part in their
little passion play full of fretful word barbs and oral slashing. You are a
dignitary; behave as such, despite the heir apparent’s lack of manners and decency. Show me, don't tell
me that your crotch glands reek of adventure and naked waterfall riding.
Cancer- In The
Apotheosis of George Washington, our first president and british ass
kicker, the G-Wash is depicted as man becoming god, hence the fresco's
catchy title. I love artists who don't need to fall back on hyperbole to make a
point. I'm building my own pedestal out of a paste I make from old espresso
grounds and bat guano, which is no fun to harvest, but makes great pedestal
cement, despite of the constant threat of a rabid infarction trauma®, and of course the ever present miasma of bat guano wafting heavenwards
toward my enlightenedness. Forge your own pedestal material and become Rodan,
embody Bernini, channel Chillida, and ask Dali for a dance. Ascendancy is your
birthright. The guano is mine.
Leo- You are a
superhero. I don't know what your power is, but it's probably something to do
with being able to communicate telepathically with salmon; or maybe you can eat
chicken really fast. Maybe you poop kittens, or maybe you drive a Prius.
Whatever it is--- it's time to whip it out and save the day. Don’t jump out the
window thinking you can fly though; you’re still vulnerable to cement
poisoning. Your power is weird and fruity and will hit you in the face quite
unexpectedly. And hopefully in time for happy hour.
Virgo- The brown throated sloth is the only animal
on earth that is immune to ennui. Fish are the most chronically melancholic,
probably due to the inevitability that every time your tail is turned there's a
silent predator about to swallow you whole and/or eat your egg sac that you had
surmised cleverly hidden in that tide pool back in Laguna. But sloths exist in
an entirely other temporal reality. What we see as the sloth is only an after
image, a reflection from another reality. They are transdimensional slow motion
tree climbers, and the tree they climb is the main artery through which all
multiversal energy flows. These totemic titans are entrusted with the totality
of totalities, the wholiest™ of holies and the undergarments of the
divine. Make friends with a sloth, buy him a big fat cup of berries and soak up
his transversal enlightenmentness™.
Libra- When I say that everything is math, I don't
mean that I'm a nerd and you should feel entitled to mock, ridicule or hijack
me into an impromptu sing song version of the periodic table of elements; which
in re the aforementioned, I can recite even while under torture, backwards to
forwards, as well as in ancient Long Islandian® from longways to sideways, also as well as and in or out of context. I
reckon the multiverse is rightly complexified™, and our grok of it grows exponentially, what with time's arrow moving
ever "forwards". Furtherly more, fret not-- what remains unexplained
and unexplored will still exist in due time. The 'verse wants to be heard and
understood, forgiven and caressed, and then released back into the wild. You
are god's juggernautical™ shepherd, act accordingly.
Scorpio- Unfortunately a booby hatch is not what
it sounds like. Neither is poop deck. A crap-fest, on the other hand, couldn't
be more spot-on. Cocksure reminds me of Caligula's birthday parties; and
titmouse causes my inner child to sprout wings and take flight to absurdly high
and erotic aeries that only my id can find. This week, find your rhetoric,
check it for defects, and open up a can of spiritual poop-ass. There be
misdeeds about the crow’s nest, and your spinnaker has been soiled. You’re the
captain of this tub. Wake up, it’s much too late; the seas are high and you
have six more to explore before you can rest.
Sagittarius- Soothsayers,
prognosticators and purveyors of the future will often tell you that you are a
divided soul, caught between two unhappy masters, under whom unmerciful
disaster follows fast and follows faster-- but thankfully you are about to
enter a more constructive phase where everything will become clear and you will
be rewarded for your fortitude. Such hokum and bunkum says to me that we all
feel like the world is collapsing around us all the time, and that the promise
of unity of mind, body and spirit will imminently assuage our souls and give us
the peace of mind to go bravely into the new world. I, however, promise you
nothing. I only wish to remind you of the delusional nature of this dualistic
dimension. Good luck and enjoy fish while they still exist.
Capricorn- This week you
should definitely plan on getting an impulsive tattoo somewhere really weird,
painful and hard to see without a series of carefully placed mirrors. However,
what constitutes weird and painful to you could be another person's sweet spot.
Choose wisely; for this tattoo will be a harbinger of good things, and a
welcome wagon for warm people with fuzzy blankets. It will also serve as a
reminder for whenever you’re in doubt about the path you’re on. Just get out
your mirrors and locate your power tatt, and know that all your choices have
been right ones.
Aquarius- 85% of the
time it works all the time. However, due to alleged big pharma malfeasance, 24%
of the time you will be 85% closer to a nervous breakdown than you were 28%
ago, so try to stay to this side of the 48% of the time that over 63% of people
say they experience nausea or dizziness, and the 15% of people that experience dizzy gillespianism™ and painful
incontinence. I predict that you will be 100% successful at least 45% of the
time, and that is 78% true. You can take 93% of that to the proverbial bank!
Good luck, and bring a change of pants.
Pisces- According to
"sources" on the "internet", zemmiphobia is the
fear of the great mole rat. Yep, fer reals. He may be the leader of a powerful
underground race of big ugly albino rodents who have an unquenchable thirst for
domination of the planet, but if you stop being afraid and buy him a mojito,
everything will be jake. However, don’t over-do the rum, the King of the Mole
Rats has the ability to control your thoughts, and he will try to get you to do
things—creepy yet slightly erotic things. You don’t want to wake up in the mole
rat’s sex swing wearing a tutu. Keep your fears reasonable and beware the mole
rat.
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