Dr. Pants McTurd's
MORE Than True
Horror-scopes
disclaimer: Satirical redress applies twice as
much to over paid foreign press junkets that only further illustrate one’s ignorance.
Yep, I’m talkin’ ‘bout dumb ol’ Willard!
this week: 30 weeks of Pants in 2012---with only
1 clip show!
Doc P’s Word of the Week: incondite. As in, your incondite epithets only reveal you
inner, as well as outer coarseness.
Aries- The word belladonna in Italian means beautiful lady. In
English, it means a deadly poison. I don’t know what happened on the journey
from Rome to the UK, but it sounds like somebody got screwed. Now…I could
metaphor all up in your face, citing tried and true adages like the
inevitability of change, or that time wounds all heels; stick that in your hat
and smoke it; I couldn’t find my ass with two hands and spelunking permit, and
etc, etc ad infinauseum®. What we should call it is proof that evolutionary
principles can apply to all processes, including language, belief, and
poisonous women. The ‘verse has a symmetry that we will ever understand.
Breathe deep, the ride is long.
Taurus- We are involved in a process that is much
greater than our ability to comprehend. What a pisser. Okay…I guess that’s
cool; But I have to say this, cause we’re buds, right? WE MUST KEEP OUR PANTS ON. I don’t care if they’re full of
misappropriated fees and feces, our pants should be on and we should stand tall
like Johnny Tremain, like a statue erected for justice and physics; regardless
of the killers and thieves that wouldst maraud our souls whilst we slumber’d in
ignorant beds full of ill gotten dreams and lonely monsters. Or perhaps the
emperor has no clothes by design. And what a cynical tale it is, that it took
his entire life before one person said, “Hey dude, where’s your pants?” Your
pants are on, and they make your ass look fantastic.
You probably also need to read for aquarius, so do it.
Gemini- Aggressive mimicry is your watchword(s) for
the week. Stay on the alert so you may catch the subterfuge. Mimicry occurs in
nature all the time, amongst both animals and plants. Example: A poisonous
snake may evolve the appearance of a similar snake that is not poisonous. The
old wolf in sheep’s clothing bit. Oooh, I look all innocent and harmless, and
by the time you figure out my plots and schemes and count my stripes, you’re my
lunch. Human mimicry is even more subtle. People always tell you exactly who
they are, but you have to pay attention. This week: pay attention. This is good
advice in general, but you should [not] try to be casually focused for at least
the next 72 hours. There be dubiousness afoot and afoul. Which one of these
things is not the same?
Cancer- Ours
are green thumbs, yours and mine. Stained with chlorophyll from tending to
gardens, however humble and weedy. Cancer births are mid season, when the
northern hemisphere has been slowly roasting rotisserie style into an ever
hotter oven, over millennia upon millennia, baking plants until they’re ripe
for the picking. Some strange connection exists between you and the green
life-giving compound that ere took even more millennia upon millennia to
develop. Going back further, the creation of hydrogen itself, the primal
element---that from which everything materialized Higgs-Boson style, so that
after even more and more and more ‘countable’ millennia, we could arrive at
this-- the summit of verdant thumbiosity®.
Go green and follow your bliss.
Leo- Prepare to be blown—away…awkward opening.
Anyhowdy, this here ‘verse we got is so frakking grande that somewhere out
there like a billion galaxies over, is an actual guy named Han Solo wearing
those cool pants with the stripe and a good blaster at his side and travelling
with a giant Wookie that for some reason knows Yoda. The ‘verse is so large
that if you travelled far enough, you will likely meet another you; maybe doing
all the same crap you’re doing on another earth; like watching Empire Strikes
Back for the millionth time; or wishing that you had someone to FaceTime sex
with, or wondering if you’ll ever achieve your dreams, and when will the bs
stop being bs. And now…to blow you--- dammit!---away, blow you away. You don’t
know it, but you are this galaxy’s Han Solo. Happy Birthday, and feel free to
whip out your blaster at will.
Virgo- It’s time we had a serious talk about the Vegetable Lamb of Tartary. It’s time you
know the truth—that the zoophytes that have been stalking your every move do
not actually exist. If they did, we’d be subsidizing sheep trees rather than
corn and wheat and oil. Since Linnaeus, a plant is not an animal. Except that,
we do all come from the same earth, the same spirit and processes; the same
cosmic rays have pierced their leaves as they have our limbs. And yet, there is
no plant-animal hybrid, or plantanimal®.
So, consider this friendly advice: the longer you chase the golden fleece of
the mythical plantanimal®, you will
be walking naked like the disrobed emperors of yore, surrounded only by yes-men
and never the truth.
Libra- Spaghettification, also known as the noodle effect, is not the
latest fad that will help you lose weight---Although that’s not exactly true
either…If you find yourself in an extreme state of gravitation, that is to
say—in the vicinity of a black hole, or maybe in the studio audience of an
infomercial about a new enema machine that you’d be stupid not to buy; the
normal power that you have over gravity will slip through your fingers and
stretch you lengthwise until you wake up in the 2nd dimension
wondering where your third D went to, and why everything looks so surreal and
flat. And the stretching would be agonizingly slow, taking an eternity to
spread all your little atoms into a long line of energy, headed straight for a
singularity. Luckily, your future is all fusilli and helixed.
Scorpio- A wet moon usually occurs in the winter, when
the crescent moon has it’s horns pointed up, creating a bowl-like image. And as
months progress, and orbital math leans to the exotically angled, the moon
tilts the other way and the rainy season comes and water from the bowl is
distributed as a bounty to the land and the people who live from it in the form
of the rainy season. The moon has been on this path for longer than humans have
existed. But in terms of ‘big time’ (not the Peter Gabriel kind), the moon’s
appearance from earth changes drastically, ultimately on its way out of our
grasp. So cultures have evolved beliefs based on this very temporary moment in
time, and then pass them down to future generations. Pass on what you have
learned. Save our children you will.
Sagittarius- Yo, fearless lad to whom I am writing: please
go to fetch a dastardly tuber at yond end of the scepter of the evil and
cowardly King Troglobite, and thou wilt possibly be rewarded for your bravery
and strong stomach---for the tuber reeks of sulphur, used jock straps and corn
nuts. Yet, be wary, for the cave dwelling troglobite is blind and telepathic,
so he may read your thoughts before thou canst swipe aforementioned tuber; so
guard your thoughts and empty your mind, lest you re-learn the punishments of
Gozer and the leviathan marshmallow man. And whilst he is dangerous, the evil
King is also quite stupid, so you really should have no problem; just go into
the underwater cave, smack him on the nose and grabbest thou the tuber; and we
will have a very strange, but spiritual and euphoric lunch.
Capricorn- Not to open my mouth and confirm myself a
fool, but Walking On The Sun, by
Smashmouth, is a great song---lyrically---in my opinion and hey---popular
garbage, yadda yadda yadda, but pure genius in terms of its catchy tune and
actual truthiness. What did happen to that hippie generation that raised me,
and trained us all to think like out of the box capitalists with feelings, and
wanted all of us to live as one, and with no religion too? Turns out the same
folks who created public television and “free” love have an underbelly, and
what are the odds---it’s seedy. Our system is based on unquenchable thirst for
profits, cocaine, power and a higher version of reality than the basic bullsnot
field plowing and shit collecting.—even if sub -dued and –divided, we are as
empty and searching as the generations prior. This week may be a balance of
necessary evils.
Aquarius- It’s not surprising that as we develop more
special effects, there will be more and more filmmakers, who within the
limitations of time, budget, and too many cooks vying for control of the meal,
will find themselves slogging through an end product that’s a kind of superhero
stew, that looks beautiful and projects seamlessness; but meat is stringy and
the potatoes raw, who the frak added kale? What suffers from digital
perfection, Lucas, I’m talking at you, you bastard genius… is something as
basic as story, character and plot. Even a true auteur’s hands are tied with the
lasso of movies-by-committee; and even the greatest cinematographers on the
planet will not be able to fill the plot holes that line the main thoroughfare
of filmdom. Or perhaps, the flaw is in the idea that every project can be
mapped out towards certain success. Just ask Terry Gilliam. Those windmills are
a bitch.
Pisces- Without the water on this planet, there would
be nothing. Pisces are perhaps the highest evolution of water so far in this
wet world; except for maybe dolphins---they are super cool. But you-- you’re
the universal solvent of fluid mediums, the magistrate and the substrate; an
evolved level of the blasted Higgs Field that creates this frakking matrix---
as funded by the Swiss anyway. And before we go any further, Waterworld is not a terrible movie.
Point is, we get it—you’re water and you’ll flow whichever way that gravity and
times allows. But there is a sweet spot—one where you mold gravity and earth
and climate to your will and taste and desire. You contain and can be
contained, but you are impervious and perfect and life giving.
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