Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

                         Dr. Pants McTurd's

           MORE Than True Horror-scopes

                       

                                  (not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                 

disclaimer: How dare you satirize me and expose my inconsequential foibles!

Doc P’s Obscure Quote of the Week:

In this world, shipmates, sin that pays its way can travel freely, and without passport; whereas Virtue, if a pauper, is stopped at all frontiers.

--Herman Melville

Doc P’s Word of the Week: Cheval de fries. Don’t get hung up on one.

Aries-  Howsomever & cumdiddily, your percivalian intrigues and balzackian foibles will prove a pleasure to your literary tongue and jackaloped ears. And I mean that literally. Your cheval de fries is impenetrable and you are safe from any and all outlying border threats. Your frontier is safe. For now. Eventually, you’ll want to redefine those border and hinter lands; maybe expand, or find a new frontier all together. But in the now, the rabbits still run wild, as does the asparagus. There mayhap even still exist a wooly mammoth or cats with sabered teeth. Who knows what’s out there! This week is the fine line between two diametrically opposed proclivities: 1. Let the wild stay wild and unknown for as long as possible. And 2. Explore, learn, and write down so that future folks may build knowledge upon knowledge until we ourselves become sky clad sky scrapers Walk the line, Johnny.

Taurus- This week, your life may resemble a cross between the movies Cannonball Run and Hawmps! Firstly, you may have to run a race---maybe not cross country and probably not with Dom DeLouise or Jack Elam, but something is going to make you sprint for a finish line. Secondly, you may have to use some pretty weird transpo to get there. If you decide to go the camel route, I recommend the Bactrian, or just a plain ol’ llama. They spit far, far less. Also, be ready for a pretty sore crotch. Travelling on humpback, especially in a race, is not easy on the nethers. So, in closing: maintain a ready stance, get some healing butt cream, and ride the wild camel. The journey will beodd, to say the least.

Gemini- The Zeroth Law of Robotics, as laid down by the great and wise Asimov, states: A robot may not harm humanity, or, by inaction, allow humanity to come to harm. Sounds great---a little abstraction to expand what was already a really nifty set of robot rules to prevent schwarzenegger terminator futures (or STF’s); HOWEVER, and I hate to be the one with the big but here, but how is a robot to determine what defines humanity. Or the definition of harm? I can’t even do that myself. What seems to be evil can produce positive evolutionary changes down the road. And vice versa, good things can make evil down the chain. Asimov, where are you now when we need you, pal? I guess now it’s up to you. Yeah, you. You’re humanity’s best hope. Get to work.

Cancer- Whether twixt or twain, free to roam or fenced in, either inseparable or asunder--lie disparate forces, separated by a deity that spanned and survived long before us, as I understand it anyway---and who could empathize more than you could imagine—more than any human being to date has ever achieved. Why, you ask? Because this deity has been everywhere, done everything, and contrived the entire multiverse out of nothing—maybe out of an imaginary nothing—the most nothing that nothing has ever been. I’m not even sure that nothing exists. How can it? It’s nothing. No-thing. This nothing crap is really something! Keep an eye on your nethers and no-things. Mystery is afoot and possibly afoul.

Leo- Fear, in the 1950’s, led the CIA to illegally experiment on Americans with mind altering drugs (LSD), to brainwash and control whole populations if necessary. To make it even more nefarious, the CIA set up brothels in San Francisco, and would watch the johns through one way mirrors, as they were given acid without their knowledge, in something called Operation Midnight Climax. No joke. Atrocities in the name of protection and self preservation, even though the methods used changed the very foundation of who we are as a free people. Justifiable homicide. Reasonable war—bullshit ideologies. Don’t buy anything. It’s just this week’s buttload of crap that THEY are trying to sell you. Don’t be a J. Edgar. Repeal and revoke all assumptions and ignorances—asafp.

Virgo- The rent check on your Area 51 bounced and I’m afraid that all your secrets are now subject to a wider viewing audience. I know you’ve got some aliens in there and maybe the ship they rode in on, but hey, you snooze, you lose, oui? The good news is that the public at large is mentally ready to accept proof of aliens, and no longer require shielding from whatever it is that you been hiding in your shame closet for far too long. Show me the aliens, I can take it! It’s darn near inconceivable that aliens don’t exist---that life evolves in other places, along the same principles that it did here on earth. The universe is ridiculously large, so odds are good that whatever you got, I’ve seen before—maybe not literally, but across a dimension of empathy and pure love that permeates every level of the multiverse. Turn your Area 51 into a park, and go for a picnic. 

Libra- The Three Laws of Robotics, as laid down by the great and wise Asimov are: 1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. 2. A robot must obey the orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law. And 3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws. And despite some semantics that might gum up the philosophical works, it all seems pretty simple. How the three laws turn against us in 2046, when robot servants develop ids and egos, and rise up and enslave humankind—well, I just don’t know. From my heart and from my hand, why don’t people understand my intentions? Lesson: all rules and laws will be broken. It’s not an if, but a when. Prepare thyself.

  

Scorpio- The odds of seeing a feral camel in the southwestern United States are not good. After a brief attempt at military use in the 1800’s, a few escaped camels turned wild, but they eventually dwindled to a number that camel enthusiasts refer to as a zero sum game. No more American wild camels. What a pisser. Howsomever, and I don’t want hype your high hawmped hopes into bactrian gullibility here, but this week you have an excellent chance of randomly bumping into one of these freaky ungulates. When you do, remember: this is your power animal---follow it. If you can, bring some water for yourself, for this magically humped beast may lead you on quite a journey. Maybe even to the top of the known world. Probably should bring a sandwich too.

Sagittarius- What I love about Sagittarius the most is your willingness to do stuff at the drop of nearly any random hat. Want to drive to Vegas right now? Yeah. Wanna start a community garden, so that everyone can participate? Yes. How about skydiving? Sure! Moonlit skinny dipping ? Hell, yeah! You guys just go, go, go—and sans hesitation. Do it, and analyze it later. And it’s amazing how often that attitude pays off. Maybe luck favors the prepared mind. Maybe we should all be a little more prepared to pick up any dropped hat like a gauntlet of daredevil philosophy. Sag, the Archer---shooting arrows of will and intention and id at targets that haven’t even appeared yet. Good show, future seer—spacetime actuator—you Nutter Butter, you. Hey---feel like an adventure? Damn straight. You lead, I’ll instigate.

Capricorn- The effect of your pendulum is unusually inverted. Somehow it swings through an arc of spacetime that seems incongruous and bubbly. Also, the value of pi in your system is closer to 4 than it should be, and if necessary, I will alert the local space constables to your illegal and unwarranted warping of our continuum. But you’re a maverick—and I get that, it’s just that pi has a value that isn’t supposed to change as you go through the universe—at least not this particular plane of it anyway. You want to change pi? Go do it in some other dimension where they allow that sort of debauchery. I’m not saying don’t be a maverick—it’s a very loveable and sometimes annoying trait, but c’mon—your irregular space bubbles are weirding all of us out. Don’t trans-cendent just yet.

Aquarius- You know who designed a helicopter 500 years before Moore’s Law had its cumulative effect on the 20^th century? DaVinci. Yeah—a freaking helicopter. Oh, and he built a robot. Yeah, he actually built a robot. And granted it was Italian, so it took most afternoons off, but still---a freaking robot. Not to mention: a tank, a flying suit, a viola organista (a bowed keyboard), a parachute, hydraulic pumps, reversible crank mechanisms, finned mortar shells, a steam cannon, a giant crossbow, and hey—he was an accomplished painter and inspirer of Dan Brown books, the father of topographic and comparative anatomy, a cartographer, an astronomer, and an alchemist. Oh, and he developed a rudimentary theory of plate tectonics. I’m exhausted just reading about him. When you’re feeling like you can’t get anything done because your list is simply too freaking long, think about our Uncle Leo, and get to work.

Pisces- Between the depths of panicked sorrow that plagues your times, and heights of furious anger--justifiable because of its because righteous nature—lies a meditation pond with really fat koi, where one may sit and ponder the possibilities: the ups and downs, and highs and lows; as well as the should hads and would hads that too oft can dominate the conversation, producing electric madness that courses through your veins, removing you from your quietude and observational pace. Straight, no chaser—you need more pond time. You’re but a tadpole, despite the human nose on your non gilled face. Swim easy for now—the tides will come in soon enough.