Dr.
Pants McTurd's
MORE Than True Horror-scopes
(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)
Aries- There are
many things I prefer not to be caught dead doing; and whilst you ponder
whatever malapropisms and/or silly ass metaphors that your sassy little brain
can conjure up, I’d like to discuss briefly, the oddness of the expression. For
example: I wouldn’t be caught dead eating spinach on a Tuesday. Put aside for a
moment the other oddness of someone having a fetish for leafy vittles—a
veggiepervie® btw; point is, you’d rather be dead than to be doing x, y or z;
which hopefully doesn’t involve anything too kinky that you can’t handle. And
usually when we use this expression, it’s for something frivolous, like I’d
rather be caught dead than making veggie porn out in Ventura. My question to
you is: what would you prefer to be caught living doing? And should you do it
naked? (btw, count 6 down and read)
Taurus- I hate
that I love Cheez-Its. Unmonitored, I would regularly shovel handfuls of them
gullet-wise for hours and days on end--just one of my issues. However…steel
yourself if you dare read the ingredients; which start out harmlessly enough
with flour, and then casually lead up to MSG, corn syrup solids, disodium
inosinate, yellows # 5 and 6, and of course sodium stearoyl lactylate. Whatever
the F that is. And our life expectancies are somehow holding steady?? And if
this is merely the bellwether of processed food, then wtf are we headed for? A
foodpocalypse?? Will we become more chemistry than man? Your mantra for the
week is: I am literally what I eat. I am literally what I eat. I am literally
what I eat. I am literally what I eat. Eat well, and you’ll feel like yourself
again.
(btw,
count 6 down and read)
Gemini- The
moment I discovered that the word crawfish is also a verb, meaning to back out
of something, I realized that the possibilities are truly endless. Shortly
after, I discovered the word obconical; which I’ll discuss later after I wrap
my brain around it---despite its verisimilitude, it’s a pretty funky concept.
Porpoise-- also a verb. Who knew? I purposely propose that your purposeful
porpoising is pathological and preternatural, and yet…premeditated,
dispassionate, and replete with a quality that at best can only be described as
jejune, or even lackadaisical, possibly even merely prophylactical re the at
large idioms that plague our groins and lips. I throw down a simple challenge:
your brilliant mind is already free—now, learn to fly. Take the green pill.
(btw, count 6 down and read)
Cancer- Pot,
kettle. Pot, kettle. Pot, kettle. Black as pitch, ebon like a moonless night,
or the emptiest of spacetime. Our thoughts and feelings regarding others are
skewy and screwy. Case in point par example: I opine x or y about so and so,
and then I wonder—why did I think that about him/her? And then I turn to what
is usually a very biased mirror and unto myself, I overthink the whole process
til I nullify or side step any potential need to correct my course through a
prickly emotional mine field, filled with sadness bombs and shrapnellian®
intrusions into my little space that I—DAMMIT, I- and only I, inhabit in this
weird gooey spacetime matrix thingy, where I am the individual, and no thing
can take my freedom, just like in that movie with all the kilts. I say, throw
less stones, and instead use them in the garden of your mindscape. (btw, count
6 down and read)
Leo- Turns
out, the word porpoise is also a verb. My flabber has also been gasted! Yeah,
whew! Take a breath—Also, did not know that in a weird latin root way, it
basically means sea pig. But wait—there’s more… It also means to leap clear of
the water. Yes, smartass—like a porpoise. The purpose of porpoising probably
has something to do with seeing what’s up ahead. Maybe some land, maybe get a
whiff of whatever is on the horizon. It makes for more efficient travel that
can take you farther in the search for the ever elusive that lies ahead of us
all—a simple trick that proves quite advantageous—mammals that live in water…weird
right? (btw, count 6 down and read)
Virgo- I’ve
never owned a bird, either as a pet or to use as communication between myself
and the front lines of whatever war I’m fighting—probably for no reason. I have
nothing against birds and generally love animals; exceptions being things like
gnus and ocelots—they simply refuse to abide by any reasonable code of ethics
or morals. And to be honest (usually a mistake) I have no plans to ever own a
bird. I would own an alpaca before a bird. Funny thing is, like Darwin, I find
birds fascinating. They’re oddly intelligent, genetically ancient, and adapted
beautifully to an environment that reeks of air and freedom. They were mammals
before we were mammals in a way I’ll have to explain later due to its inherent
complex codices. Interpret and discuss. (btw, count 6 up and read)
Libra- For your
‘scope this week, I turn things over to the great Danny Elfman: No
one beats him at his game / For very long but just the same / Who cares,
there's no place safe to hide / Nowhere to run--no time to cry / So celebrate
while you still can / 'Cause any second it may end / And when it's all been
said and done . . . Better that you had some fun / Instead of hiding in a shell
/ Why make your life a living hell? / So have a toast, and down the cup / And
drink to bones that turn to dust / 'cause no one, no one, no one, no one . .
. No one lives forever!! Party on
Wayne---but with purpose and love, leaving all mercy unstrained; fomenting
wildly compassionate uprisings in the streets, taming traffic snarls and
engendering peaceful un-violence. You’re in charge, we’re all counting on you. (btw,
count 6 up and read)
Scorpio- Your
levels are currently at full moon and partial eclipse viscosity. The upcoming
bumps and hard curves will correspond in equal and/or opposite g-forces;
meaning that whatever seismic upheavals that portend truthiness---they are mere
fictions of reality based television. Full moons reveal truth---in the stark
reality of moonlight, which arguably, may contain more shadow than light. Get
to the point, Pants! Okay, tell no one or thing, but---the destiny of truth and
fate are co-mingled with articles of pure chance. The subatomic moves in ways
we cannot perceive—unless you have an ear to the ground and a Large Hadron
Collider. This particular full moon is YOUR time--scorpionically based.
Therefore, ride the wave(s) and ready your talons. (btw, count 6 up and read)
Sagittarius- The
following is a list of weird projects that you may want to pop into your hopper
over the next week or so: A) How to build your own yeti. B) How to cook chicken
in a vacuum. And C) How to mutate your favorite animal, get it to bite you, so
you can gain super powers. Personally I would go with C. So—here’s my
horror-scopial advice for the week: Pick a power animal. Then capture it. I
would start small. Snaring a wild moose is not for the newly initiated. Then,
mutate it. My favorite method is accidental overload of gamma radiation. But
the interwebs is full of cool ways to irradiate pretty much anything. Then,
piss the animal off. Odds are, a bite will ensue, and the change will begin.
Fer real tho, choose the animal wisely. Don’t get caught in the albino
alligator nightmare that I witnessed in Florida. Also be wary of flying
creatures—lots of air traffic these days- very dangerous. Embrace the weird. (btw,
count 6 up and read)
Capricorn- I don’t
believe in Canada. Like, literally, I don’t believe it exists. You can point to
all the maps you want, I just don’t think it actually exists. I mean,
c’mon—mounted police? Moose wrestling and caber tossing? I’m not an
idiot—Canada is a metaphor, for what no one knows. But I think it will be
important in your up and coming week. I’m not saying that you’re going to learn
how to play hockey while shotgunning beers; nor should you learn to speak a weird
semi-intelligible English. Nevertheless, you are headed northerly. Maybe you’re
aiming your moose towards an aurora borealis. Maybe your magnetic field needs
adjusting and the extra light will help you see where to tweak. Maybe you want
to see the world’s largest totem pole. Go; pay a visit to the imaginary Canada
in your mind. And say hi to RUSH for me. (btw, count 6 up and read)
Aquarius- The Aqua
brain is like the cheetah in the savannah of the human mindscape. Ours may not
be the most intelligent sign, but we’re at Warp9 before the other ships even
get out of space dock. The human brain is elastic and stretchy. Not now, but
next time I’ll lay down my theory about how Plastic Man was a metaphor for our
cranial speed records…but for now, back to the concept of elasticity—or rather
a fluidic universe through which we can fold the folds of our minds in, around,
up and down and even into places that don’t exist yet. Our brains are
octopussian®, able to get through the tiniest and wormiest of holes, using only
flexibility and sheer will. I can’t even deal with how cool we are. Now get
outta here and go invent something, ya squirrely genius…
(btw,
count 6 up and read)
Pisces- I don’t
know if you’re ready for the sheer volumes of pleasure that are en route to
your face at this very moment. It makes a deluge look like a drippy faucet. I
know you’ll handle it in your inimitable fashion, so easy peasey, my little lemon
squeezey. Here’s how your week’s going to unfold: Friday, you’ll be longing for
something, perhaps intangible, that will lose face time due to social or work
obligations. Saturday, you will be tempted to eat a hot dog or some other cured
and overly processed meat, but you will decline politely and opt instead for
the leafiest of greens. And then around 11pm, you’ll yearn yet again, but this
time it will be for a tangible thing—some thing real—existing in spacetime and
everything; and you will dream of it all night long. Until Sunday, when the
object of your drives and machinations will produce an aurora borealic
cacophony of taste and colour and divinations supreme, coinciding with multiple
orgasmic pleasure. Sunday—that’s your fun day. I suggest doing some stretches.
(btw, count 6 up and read)
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