Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

♈ Aries Your awkward power idiom of the week is: don’t try to teach your grandmother to suck eggs. Before you balk, allow me to explicate: the meaning of the phrase has to do with giving advice to an expert, like don’t teach an old monkey how to make faces. Right? He’s already way ahead of you on that. Also, don’t tell a too-big-to-fail bank how to cheat on their taxes—waste of breath. The question you might ask yourself is twofold: 1) why is Granny so good at sucking eggs? What the hell happened in the 40’s?? and 2) maybe let Granny give you some advice on egg sucking or preferably something more vital to your current psychic quagmire. Ask for wise help and a shovel.

♉ Taurus-Your power word of the week is onomatopoeia. Your Grand Canyon-like gamut will include any or all of the following: oink, meow, woof, achoo, ka-boom, bam, twang, whack, woo-hoo, yadda yadda, yoink, pow, ziff, ka-doing, ka-ding, ker-plunck, ka-ching, flip flop, ding dong, bloop, splash, bang, thud, thump, gasp, tick-tock, swoosh, swish, plop, purr, sizzle, hiss, squawk, cheep, honk, quack, clickety-clack, and of course ping pong. I also urge you to discover new ways of spelling sounds that you either hear or make of your own bodily accord. The levity will do you good, and will ground you in a bilingual multiverse that’s busy creating light for your soul’s journey towards what you least expect. Swish swash and a-swoosh.

♊ Gemini-Your power parapraxis for the week is: the Freudian slip. Your subconscious is in overdrive and wants to tell you stuff, stuff that you’ve been squashing and squelching for too long. Maybe it’s as simple as you stole $10 from your sister one time when you were little and now it’s time to pay her back and repent. It might be that you’re passionate about, oh I don’t know, let’s say goat herding, but you got into fashion because it’s easy money, and now it’s time you embraced your true love—goat herding. Whatever it is, it’s probably somewhere between those two examples, so lighten up and let your other voice sing out loud. Beauty in, is beauty out.

♋ Cancer-You wouldn’t think Nietzsche would write anything called The Gay Science, but who knew, right? Let’s ponder: “I want to learn more and more to see as beautiful what is necessary in things; then I shall be one of those who make things beautiful. Amor fati: let that be my love henceforth! I do not want to wage war against what is ugly. I do not want to accuse; I do not even want to accuse those who accuse. Looking away shall be my only negation.” Amor fati---to love one’s fate. If you believe in fate. Turn the other cheek against calumnies and war and evil? Let not thy discreet heart think it. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. You don’t have to take shite from nobody. Tell Nietzsche to go suck an egg and fight for your right…to party, or whatever it is that you do…do---just go get on it.

♌ Leo-There are more stars in the sky than there are grains of sand on all the beaches of all the earth. Deep shite, man. The North Star--Polaris, which has guided people-kind since the way way back times, will eventually fall out of favor and Deneb will be the earth’s North Star, and after that it will be Vega who guides whatever sailors brave the radioactive dragon infested seas of future earth---the earth we will know nothing of---and this cycle repeats about every 26,000 years! The shite goes deeper, man! Yet, fret not, nor nary a whit. You’re at your best while being in the NOW TIME. Be yourself and be present, and let someone else count stars.

♍ Virgo-I don’t know who this Murphy guy was, or why he was so glass-half-not-even-there kind of guy, but I challenge you to find the opposite law to be of equal truthiness. Anything that can go right will. I dare you to drop your pessimism and bring back into your fold what you thought was misguided optimism, and challenge the future deities to make you right as rain and perked up like a can of peas. Prepare for easy victories and calm seas. If Murphy’s Law is indeed a law, and not some bendable bullshit guideline, then its opposite must hold equal validity in all situations. Hot apple pie in the sky-y-y-y-y hopes is your limitless horizon.

♎ Libra-The time has come to upend the tyranny of small decisions--the series of small choices have snowballed into your current situation---and bring forth the true will of the people, and more importantly your individual will--towards a future that brings advantage to everyone, rather than simply a select 1%. Could be good, bad or somewhere in between, but you didn’t arrive at this point in time because of one choice—there’s billions of choices, billions of billions! Choices aren’t good or bad, but rather part of a larger picture filled with sexy shades of grey. Take a minute, do some math and get back to me about your grander, more beauteous future wrought from the grokking of the whole.

♏ Scorpio-‘Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!’ is your strange power idiom of the week. Congratulations. This southern phrase that evokes images of fatty foods and potentially interesting sexual scenarios will get you out of any spot you find yourself in. If anyone gives you trouble after hearing that phrase, then come back at them with a smarmily said, ‘That dog won’t hunt!’ And all will be right as rain and chill as a can of chickpeas. Also, feel free to improvise. Try some ‘Well, oil up my gams and call me a bobsled!’ The magic your tongue and mouth parts can create is limitless! You’re a walking, talking get out of jail free for all melee in the courtyard of unnecessary civilized conformity. You, buttered biscuit, you.

♐Sagittarius-Inter-dimensional duck reasoning is on its way to your face. It goes suchly: if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it’s a gin soaked tangerine on the rocks with club soda. Point is, is that all ducks are not necessarily ducks, and thanks to string theory, some of them are merely parading around as ducks, and are in fact differentiated duck manifestations across a multi-dimensional energy array in which ducks can be almost anything but actual ducks. Don’t be fooled by the not-ducks. Things are not as they appear to be. Quack wisely, Miss Featherbottom—you’ll be seeing good ol’ regular ducks in a week or two.

♑ Capricorn-Your boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. In fact, you’re imminently due for a peripatetic experience that will drive your ambulatory mind racing to see what’s around the next corner. Your upcoming journey may be to the strip mall down the street for some revelatory fish tacos, or it could be half way around the proverbial globe, to catch a glimpse of something you’ve been missing since your initial post war period of refraction, disuse and disguise. So, separate your butt from the couch cause time’s a-wastin’ and a-wantin’. Your future’s outside. Go get it, and get on it, and then get in it. It’s a-time.

♒ Aquarius-I guarantee that a watched pot will boil—most likely in the exact same amount of time that an unwatched pot will. It’s science. That said, a thing of beauty is not necessarily a joy forever. Joy and beauty are subjective and subjected to the ravishes of time and changing opinion on what exactly such trivial things as joy and beauty are--by definition of course, which seems pointless to define anything that provides even a sparkle of emotional involvement to one so mentally flexible as your aquarius self. Don’t watch the pot, be the pot, feel what it’s like to have your temperature incrementally raised. It might be joyously beautiful, and probably timeless.     Also, read Libra and Virgo, they smell super nice.

♓ Pisces-This week you will encounter ‘the elephant’. The pachyderm in question is not literal, but rather a metaphor for experiences the settlers who moved west across the plains might encounter. Seeing the elephant is neither good nor bad, but rather a state of being surrounded by something so much larger than you that it dwarfs your understanding of self in the face of the total package. During this elephant viewing time period, you may also want to read or re-read The Stranger by Albert Camus. Whatever the elephant is, make it your friend. This particular elephant in the room will free your soul and embiggen your heart and protect you from the world’s innate and seemingly pointless cruelty.