Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

♈ Aries A yactosecond is equal to one septillionth of a second—and only an earth second at that. And a septillionth is equal to 10 to the power of 24—and that’s 10 to the 24^th power as a fraction! A boson is an elementary particle whose lifespan is roughly one yactosecond. And faster than a poof! they’re gone, winking in and out in a fraction of a second of a Higgs based reality, and then possibly happening over and over and over a septillion times a second, tiny tiny tiny strings of energy firing on all cylinders for infinity—or at least as long as there are tiny tiny tiny strings of something seemingly alive and moving under the deep cosmos-ness-ness of a multiverse that is just at the edge of our ken.

♉ Taurus Your quiddity is inscrutable. Your haecceity is unmistakable. And don’t get me started on your hypokeimenon. Your sub strata of whatness and why-osity strangle my objective observational capacity. There is no abacus that can handle your numerology. I can’t put my finger on you and I desperately want to. Your symmetry of being is radiant and effulgent, and I may have just soiled myself. Dig, excavate, plunder through ashes and reliquaries and ancient ossuaries and sepulchers: I need not dare you. You’re already there—creeping through layer upon layer to discover the roots of the tree of you. And hey, while you’re there, don’t forget to fertilize. Discover and recycle!

♊ Gemini I’m not saying you should brew a big pot of tea and then urinate in a giant circle around your encampment to keep wolves out of your territory like in Never Cry Wolf, nor should you eat anything close to 50 boiled eggs on a dare to defend your loner ostracized man-on-the-run, misanthropic anti-hero facade that makes you likeable, empathetic and trustworthy. Allegiance only to the self. Non Serviam. Wow, this got serious. What I am saying is that this week, don’t worry about satan or anybody else who claims dominion over the Underworld. It’s like airplane oxygen masks---adjust yours first, then help others.

♋ Cancer This week you are Kate but not Allie. You’re Cagney but not Lacey. Likewise, you are some serious Funk and luckily no Wagnall. Subsequently, you are also the following: Hardcastle not McCormick, Simon not Garfunkel, Abbot not Costello, Laurel not Hardy, Fred not Barney, Thelma not Louise, Kirk not Spock, Frik not Frak, Ethel not Lucy, Lewis not Clark, Jay not Silent Bob, Ren not Stimpy, Clyde not Bonnie, Ernie not Bert, and most importantly---you are Django sans chains. Try being one thing, try being you--be what you’re like, be like yourself. Stop whistling in the dark and get back to yourself.

♌ Leo Your power former president of the week is…James K Polk!! Don’t worry, here’s the awesome: He achieved every goal he set for himself—every goal—in one term! He opened the Oregon Territory, christened the US Naval Academy--and the Smithsonian, he broke ground on the Washington Monument, not to mention he issued the first postage stamps, and oh yeah, won the Mexican American War, giving us Texas—the merits of which I’m not here to debate. He is the least known influential president. Be the Polk. The accolades will come later. 

♍ Virgo The Dr. Pants has recently been accosted by no less than three separate virgos, all requesting a ‘super-duper’ horrorscope for the week.

Never will the Pants bow to terrorist demands, so here’s an in-your-face realistic horrorscope revealing the true nature of your immediate future with no fruffy bullshit, so brace yourself: Rainbows and gold-pooping unicorns are galloping your way! Repent not, but rather take joyous heed of the incoming stars and stripes that are about to color your world. Light it up, shake your rump, and tickle your tulips because this is your week. All kinds of crazy good shit is nigh to fall from the sky literally any second. Remain casually alert and don’t forget to breathe. You’re welcome.

♎ Libra Your dazed meandering in the Wakhan Corridor is nigh at an end, a zenith, an apex, pinnacle and jumping off point for the next weird and woolly chapter in what should prove to be your riveting bio pic. I’m referring of course to a stretch of land in northern Afghanistan that served as an arbitrary geographic border betwixt the warring powers of Britain and Russia during the period known as the Great Game—basically the Cold War of the 1800’s that lasted about twice as long as its 2oth century counterpart. It is mountainous and difficult terrain and while you’ve ambled and sashayed your way through it admirably, it’s time to cross the Hindu Kush and find new ground. Rebirth Indian style awaits. Namaste.

♏ Scorpio It’s not surprising that puppet theater has become culturally significant in places like eastern europe and other former ussr ‘republics’ like Czech Republic and Tajikistan. Places where controls have been implemented over the freedom of the human psyche will result in leaks of information—nothing can stop the signal, Mal, nothing can stop the signal. And since you’re a fan of digging in the dirt, to find the places we got hurt, I suggest you fashion whatever puppets thou canst, let it speak for that within you that has no voice. Olly olly oxen free---freedom of information act engaged! Release the Kraken! Let the puppets speak!

♐ Sagittarius- According to Intergalactic Space Law, your condo at the Forever Sunrise Apartment Complex, which lies at the border between permanent day and night on earth’s moon--due to it non-rotational nature-- your lunar condo, the one that always faces the sunrise, where the party never stops---will be undergoing moonquake upgrades for the next three weeks. So feel free to visit us back here on planet earth. We understand your need to gallivant around the multiverse, but it’s time to visit home. Multi colored party giraffes are waiting and there will be rain dances and temporary tattoos in your honour. Eat well tonight, friend, for tomorrow we dance for your pleasure. You be Kubla Khan, we be Xanadu.

♑ Capricorn- ‘Exit pursued by a bear’ is your power literary reference for the week. Here’s a quick summation of possible outcomes: 1) at random you will be attacked by a bear and chased offstage, 2) the bear is metaphorical and representative of a heretofore undisclosed to the conscious mind--fear that lies unconquered in your subconscious reptile brain possibly requiring righteous vengeance, if there is such a thing, or 3) there is no bear at all, and it’s nothing more than a ham-fisted plot device and something arguably less than a universe where every energetic interaction has a purpose no matter how seemingly inconsequential and small. I say, find your bear, don’t jive talk him--- but don’t run.

♒ Aquarius There are no hard and fast rules about anything really---all we have is a copious list of observed phenomena, which may or may not have been altered by our mere observance of aforementioned phenomena—here’s how things happened in the past, how they transgressed, digressed and diversified, not just like branches of a tree, but branches of a clonal colony of trees that spread to the horizon and beyond. And not to piss in your pot, but that list of observed phenoms is limited to the difference between our literally recorded history and our genetic ability to remember the past. Everything else—speculation, probably uneducated at that. If you can think around the multiverse, I say do it. If not, take a breath and realize the synecdoche of it all. The microcosm of you is exactly how the whole thing works. Look in to see through.

♓ Pisces Throughout history, there have been many famous wearers of monocles. Yes, yes—the fixer of astigmatism—the monocle. However, in today’s world, monocle wearers are unfairly portrayed as evil, misguided, or uber rich. But trends always reverse themselves, and maybe someday the monocle will come back into fashion. All we need is someone not evil—someone inherently good to sport the monocle in some public way, and bring the monocle back to its previous position of societal importance. You are primed and positioned to bring something back from the dark side and and back into pop culture’s spotlight. People are waiting for your move. Choose boldly. Choose monocle.