Dr.
Pants McTurd's
MORE
Than True Horror-scopes
(not associated with horror
or scopes of any ilk)
disclaimer: Satire is always funny, so grow up and buy some kleenex.
Obscure quote of
the week: The race is not to the
swift, nor the battle to the strong, but to those who see it coming and jump
aside. ---Hunter Thompson
Doc P’s Word of the Week: rumpus. Not your rear, but there is
a special room for it.
Aries-
You put the fun in funicular.
You’re a hot jazz lick double four time, with Ella scatting up front, and Corea
on the drums, and Coltrane blowing my door off. You’re a ’72 Dodge with a
Lamborghini engine straddling lanes and controlling the flow; you’re under the radar
and breaking sound barriers in all types of atmos—be they oxygen nitrogen, or
the helium hydrogens of the gas giants. You’re a cosmonaut juggernaut jamming
frequencies and creating sub light variations in the temples and eyes of the
known world. Bear these metaphors in mind as you streak through the multiverse
this week, for your tail is full of star dust and your heading is galaxywide,
and sunbound.
Taurus- Roy Scheider = awesomeness. Specifically,
let’s discuss Sorcerer, which bombed
at the box office in 1977, in part because it came out the same weekend as Star
Wars. And probably because it was a remake of a French film called Wages of
Fear, which has a much better title, especially considering the movie has
nothing to do with magic. It was directed by William Friedkin, who made French Connection, btw, so holy crap,
this film must have some street cred. Okay, enough meandering and Sheider glad
handing--Friedkin said this about the film: “The
Sorcerer is an evil wizard and in this case the evil wizard is fate. The fact
that somebody can walk out of their front door and a hurricane can take them
away, an earthquake or something falling through the roof. And the idea that we
don’t really have control over our own fates, neither our births nor our deaths,
it’s something that has haunted me since I was intelligent enough to
contemplate something like it.” In closing: A) Roy Sheider = awesomeness
incarnate. B) Rent this movie, and C) contemplate your fate, but don’t get
wrapped up in it—it’s not here yet.
Gemini- Before we take the A train
to downtown Fist City, to plot our demise, let’s stop and take a second, Butch.
The Bolivia of the 19th century, was about land raping and
plundering and white people doing what, unfortunately, they do very well.
Today’s Bolivia is no place para un robo.
It’s a populated place of intense diversification and conflict. And if I may,
an appropriate metaphor for the rainforest, as a place of maximum evolutionary
speed. In a rainforest, the environment is ripe for diversity—lots of rain and
oxygen, producing a higher rate of species emergence—a higher rate inside a
matrix of elevated activity. Right now you’re in Bolivia—an environment with a
high rate of diversity and a high propensity for faster and faster change. And
don’t even mention China! Massive population with exponential growth! Uff and da. Hit the brakes just a little.
There’s no need to speed up the future at a rate that is simply unadvisable.
Start with Corcovado, man…quiet nights and quiet chords, man.
Cancer- One
major issue not touched by either candidate is about the definition of
prosperity. What exactly is the level of prosperity that will leave the average
American satisfied? Does prosperity necessarily involve wealth? Does it involve
access to basic health care? How about the ability to travel, or raise a
family? What is the function of prosperity in our day to day existence? Jesus
didn’t have any prosperity, except in his heart. He was poor as the lepers
whose feet he washed. What exactly is prosperity? How do we get some? Do I
already have it? Does it matter? Can I pass it down to my kids? Did I get any?
If so, where is it now? Wtf? Does prosperity mean that I can eat out tonight?
Let’s grab a pizza pie and figure this out.
Leo- Deciding what is right and most forthright
and most advantageous is still a guessing game in the end. Sure, you can say
that I feel a certain way, and believe that decision to be the right one, but the math of everything is
more complex than, do I circle A or B, do I go left or right, should I report
that income to the government, and etcetera. I really feel like Red 23 is coming up for sure, but then it’s actually
Black 5, and my money goes down that little hole. And the effect is much more
dire with a human being should the guess be a poor one, or should circumstances
rise out of our hands and melt into the chaos of the ether. We can only do our
best, go with our guts when appropriate, and figure it out sciencewise and
geometric when our guts take a hike. There’s the forest and the trees, and
hopefully we’ll get lucky and see the difference. Bon chance, mon ami.
Virgo- Judging by how dirty my keyboard gets, I
really like the comma, the question mark, the number 7, and there’s a bunch of
quite noticeable oily smudge marks on those weird slashes above the return key
that I swear I never use. Not to mention the colon/semicolon is a disaster. And
my right is either more active or more oily than my left—no idea why. And I
take forever to clean it. I figure it’s better if I don’t know what I’m
writing. But for you, let’s take the metaphor a bit further. What areas of your
life have an overabundance of oily smudge marks that denote, most likely, over
use—at least injudicious use of the B, or maybe you’re really hooked on F8. I
once knew a guy whose delete key was unreadable. In closing,…A) clean your
keyboard, B) wash your hands more often, and C) keep an eye on your
obsessions—they are a smudgy window to your soul.
Libra- November and December finally upon us, and
with them, the “rainy” season here in Los Angeles (preferably pronounced with a
hard ‘g’) where maybe once a week, we get a little rain to make up for the 10
months prior without a drop. And within Los Angeles, we have two distinct camps
of thought. One side always curses the rain, like it’s an abomination of
weather, like the world is ending—like putting up with rain 2 months of the
year is such a burden; while the other camp is comprised of people who’ve
emigrated here from cold weather states—and all they do is praise the rain, and
pray for it never to leave. Oooh, actual weather! Personally, I think all the
tourists should leave. I’m addicted to So Cal sun, and become
disproportionately seasonally affected when it’s cloudy for more than 5
minutes. Point is, grab an umbrella. Rain’s a-comin’.
Scorpio- The whip is probably the first human
invention to break the sound barrier. As one cracks it, the tip of the whip
moves faster than the speed of sound and creates a small sonic boom. I picture
you as an expert whip cracker. Your hands are made for the ingrained and
ancient wooden handle. Your mind is warped and woven like the braided leather
that is ready for scientific expansion of your passionate spirit and healing
heart. Your momentum is always conserved, but the potential of your energy
might one day break the light barrier; which I suggest is a better use for your
talents than that of harassing cattle or hunting ptarmigans. Seek thou rather to whip
your booms to a frenzy in the next dimension, where we require neither food,
nor clothing—merely love.
Sagittarius- To describe your upcoming week, I will refer
you to the Münchhausen Trilemma. I know, I
know---bringing up the Münchhausen is probably not what you want to hear, but
this is how bat shit crazy your week might get. The Trilemma refers to an
incident when Münchhausen got stuck in a swamp and pulled himself—and his
horse—out of the swamp by his own hair. I know, I know---stupid and impossible.
Not quite as impossible as the time Münchhausen rode a cannonball; but
nevertheless, this week you might accomplish an even stranger task, breaking
several physical laws and riding a metaphorical cannonball into the 11th
dimension. No one will believe your ridiculous tale, but that doesn’t matter.
Go deep with the weirdness. It will make sense later on.
Capricorn- Benjamin Franklin Drawing Electricity from the
Sky
is a painting by Benjamin West. You should
Google it—it’s super neato. In it cherubs hold the kite string, while Franklin
holds on to the key, which is transferring the lightning right into Franklin’s
hands. As a historical sidenote, Franklin only devised the experiment on paper,
and some french dude actually made it happen. Howsomenevertheless, the idea
that Franklin actually channeled lightning is an apt metaphor for you. There be
unknown energies in the air, that can be harnessed, but only if you’re willing
to try. I suggest that you may hold this talent innately; but you still have to
open your mind to the real possibility that from god’s mouth, to our ether, and
into your palm is the most direct path back to god itself. Ride the lightning,
brother. And if you have cherubs, deploy them.
Aquarius- When you break the speed of sound, like that
wackjob who jumped 23 miles the other day, you won’t hear the sonic boom.
You’re moving faster than the sound can travel, so the boom is behind you, like
the waves behind a boat. Often we know not what havoc we wreak in our wakes.
And I don’t advise looking back while travelling at supersonic speeds, you
might get whiplash. The key is to look forward, and doing your best not to plow
through plowshares or community gardens while attempting record breaking
velocities. The Aquarian mind is like a comet, streaking through space on long
trips around the sun. Despite vast temperature gradients, our logic is either
cold, or hot, but it’s always supersonic. And the ice crystals we leave behind
are seeds for humanity to use and build upon. So don’t fret your wake, or the
lack of sound—your movements are universally felt and generally benign.
Pisces- Once you discover that you carry within your
psyche a dark passenger, I believe it’s your duty to control him before he
controls you, or your actions, or ultimately-- your fate. Perhaps everyone has
such a stowaway, perhaps such a character is an integral part of our nature—the
last holdover from a far away past when the jungle or the ocean was filled with
possible terrors amidst long primordial nights. Many people aren’t even aware
that he’s there, this shadow self, this other,
this id, that wants things that do not make for good company, and even worse
wish to plot your own downfall, perhaps simply because he can. Disparate forces
at work inside one’s own personality should be accounted for and controlled; at
least that’s what I believe, having met my own darker self. Perhaps you think
the Ripper inside you should be allowed to roam free. Ahh, free will—and the
choices we must endure. Choose wisely.
