Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries –The sky’s afire, friendo, and you can get some sweet deals on personal growth and a surefire way to inner peace through meditative types of—OH crap, even a purveyor of deserv’d calumnies such as the Dr Pants, would not stoop to bullshite apocalyptic truly horrible ‘scopery, such vapid flowery falderal—The start was true tho: the sky is afire. Imagine thisly: the combined mass of Jupiter and the Sun pulling Earth towards the constellation Leo, towards bold Promethean attempts to share magic with mortals. The king of the celestial jungle wants something, and it’s using lots of energy to do it. Give kitty what kitty wants.

♉ Taurus –Freud was a Taurus, and his intellectual reflection was Jung—a Leo btw—and let’s pause a moment, for we are at a quasi crossroads: From Taurus, via Gemininian air—Geminian air—no, that’s still wrong—any rate, earth to air to water to fire, to Leo—the leonine leadership that we all expect from the king of the celestial jungle, is working tenfold to ensure SHE gets what She wants. At 145pm PDT on 7/24, the constellation Aquarius, the Earth, and the Sun, as well as Jupiter, and then the constellation Leo will be in a ‘perfectly’ straight line—gravity working in favor of catalytic fire and innovative change. Turning point?

♊ Gemini –Forgive the Dr Pants’s brief foray into math, but imagine thusly: Jupiter can fit 1,300 Earths inside of it, and the Sun can accommodate 1.3 million Earths inside its nuclear innards, so furtherly imagine, the combined gravity of these two big ass gas bags in perfect alignment with the constellation Leo (145pm PDT on 7/24 btw), and all still in Leo for the next month—the largest percentage of ALL the mass in our solar system pulling on us with the gravitational gravitas of a stellar Lion, a skywalking manifestation of a celestial king, a fiery pride full of both Solar and Jovian strength, all in alignment, tho light years apart, with an air sign like you. Turning point?  

♋ Cancer -A female Cancerian crabby crab friend of the Dr Pants recently remarked thusly: "Hey, man, I just wanna be free, man, like, if I wanna see where that road goes, then Mamma gonna see where it goes.” Then, she added furtherly, “Nobody puts Mamma in a corner"—The Dr Pants is paraphrasing of course, but Don't Fence Me In does seem to be your theme song. In fact, it's summer, pretty Mamma, it's time you got outta doors for a night, go camping, watch some stars spin their way toward ‘cross heavenly climes, torture some marshmallows and get wasted on Rumplemintz and well rolled joints. Give me lots of land, lots of land under starry skies above…

♌ Leo –Astro-logically speaking, this time of year is a great for you to star in an 80's style love scene. The heavens want you to play some really slow period love making mojo music, turn down the lights, or maybe just by moonlight—No! Candles, tons of candles and rose petals—Ooh—and a hot tub, a water theme suits you...Yes, the heavens are calling all Leo's to put on their comfy pants and strut your ways into steamy, altho preferably not just simulated acts of passion and ardor, but full on integrated reality lovemaking—80’s style!—which will require showering, and then more lovemaking, and then probably another shower and a nap, then more 80's love juice. Nice work if you can get it... Happy birthday, tiger, welcome to your jungle, but watch out—it’s steamy & spiritually & literally orgasmic. Roar.  

♍ Virgo –Uranus is backward. Don’t sweat it, it’s temporary and part of the normal flow of stellar traffic for a huge gas bag like Uranus to go against the flow and spin cycles. Uranus is a wonderland, btw, it’s got a wacky orbit, and holds pretty tight to a reputation for surprises and unexpected behaviors, chaos even—Yet, fear not entropy, its mathematical rise and fall is inevitable and you’re already wired into it, like surfing—the waves come in unpredictably, but if you wait, if you’re aware, you can find the most pleasant ride. Entropy isn’t serendipitous, it’s happening all the time. Ride the waves.

♎ Libra –Because the Dr Pants is a fellow air sign, like minded thinker and agent of calm yet heartfelt analysis, he feels free to speak thisly: the Sun and Jupiter—the vast majority of ALL the mass in this here solar system—their combined gravity is pulling our usually sound judgment towards the constellation Leo, the interplanetary leonine catalytic converter, the astro equal and opposite of Aquarius—reputed spaced mad man—Wait—there’s more math: at 145pm PDT on 7/24, both giant gas bags will be in a straight line from Earth to Leo—Wait! That’s it! The whole Libra scaly balance thing—In this one moment for a second or so, there’s a straight line from the constellation Aquarius to Earth, to the Sun, to Jupiter, and straight on to constellular Leo. Gravity in the paws of a Lion—ROAR.

♏ Scorpio –Check this crazy shite: only once every 12 years does this crazy shite go down: both the Sun and Jupiter—the vast majority of ALL the mass in our solar system—pas de petites pommes de terre, no?—these massive gas bags are between us and the constellation Leo: all that gravity and physics and absurdly large numbers pulling us, dragging us towards the king of the celestial jungle, a skywalking dominatrix, whose astro equal & opposite is Aquarius, reputed mad man of the zodiac: And furtherly—for a brief moment at 145pm PDT on the 7/24, they’ll both be pulling on us, we the royal WE, towards the Lion’s den, at exactly the same degree—namely 5 degrees of Leo…there’s lotto numbers in there somewhere…but imagine all that power of attraction heavenly attuned to brilliance and insanity and leonine magnanimity. Sweet time to be alive. But you already knew that… ponder these grand gravitational gravitas, whilst the sky is thus afire.  

♐ Sagittarius –The last time these crazy cosmic shenanigans happened was back in ’02—aught 2? No that’s dumb… 2002—last time all this shite went boogedy. In space, right now, as you read this, both Jupiter and the Sun—the vast majority of ALL the mass in the solar system are aligned and pulling us towards the constellation Leo, the skywalking hakuna matata, probably wearing a leopard print thong and tube top, purring prideful prowess at the top of the food chain, yeah—that guy—all that gravity & gravitas in a direct line, even if for a brief moment, say 145pm PDT on 7/24. This whole week, tis best to have your greatest and most daring ideas at the ready, for tis cosmic time to self embolden and globally embiggen. Roar time, fire signs.

♑ Capricorn – Hot dizzy diggedy higgledy piggledy pork in a poke, and Bob’s your uncle, because this cosmic shite is dastardly daring and rebel ready to scorch any pervasive & pusillanimous authority that claims jurisdiction & jurisprudence over anything they don’t agree with, namely the advanced logic and sound argument of the Capricorn mind. Check it: the Sun and Jupiter—big ass gas bags, right—also the vast majority of ALL the mass in our solar system, are both aligned and pulling us toward the constellation Leo, the skywalking Lion, king of the celestial jungle, all that gravity & gravitas in a direct line to Roar Town. You must do what you feel is right, of course…

Aquarius ♒ -Brougham, there is a shite ton of interplanetary graviton waves from way out beyond the asteroid field headed for us, and a shite ton of it from Leo, the constellation that can catch, kill, and eat any food in the chain, aside from our opposing thumb having, tiger blood drinking human types... Jupiter just moved into Leo for the next year, the Sun is also in Leo, and Sat is a new moon, duh yes, in Leo—also btw, whilst I got your eyeballs, Mars blazes into Scorp after a retro shadow, so it's basically 200 proof firewater at a party with a guy sans limits. The Dr Pants's point is, is that the sky is on fire and endorphins are cheap. Have a better time with yourself and perk up, jerky, life's ablaze with creative Aquarii friendly shite. Go get yo’ self some, regret nothing, then rinse and repeat.

♓ Pisces –Were you a regular star gazer, you’d know that that particular point of light, over there to the southwest just above the horizon, is not a star but a planet—let’s say Mars, and of course you’d also know that as the night sky seems to spin above us, the Earth is actually spinning on its axis, right—and then, you’d double super know that certain sky lights go against that constant spinning motion, quite predictably btw, and they appear to move backwards in the sky, against the direction of spin of every other single point of light ad infinauseum® in the night sky—retrograde type shite, right? Okay, so—full disclosure here, Uranus is going backwards. Yes, Uranus moves backwards, against the flow of normal stellar traffic. You have a backwards Uranus. Fret not, it ain’t fatal, it’s temporary, so ease into it and go slow, it's summertime and the livin's easy, if a bit unpredictable and new to the psychological clime of the Piscean mind.

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries –Brace yourself—no crutches mind you, they’re self defeating, rather—embrace thy form, for late summer fireworks are nigh and imminent. Quick primer re the heavens: Jupiter: big gas bag, right, okay so it orbits in the same plane as we do but way farther out, changes signs once a year—yeah, long orbit, right? Point is, is that Wed morning, like 330am PDT, Jupiter went from being adrift against a constellular Cancerian cluster, to slip sliding away on a celestial surfboard involving Leo, the skywalking lion, king of the celestial overhanging firmament jungle. Roar, I guess. What does it all mean?! The Dr Pants is not disposed to say: yet posit thisly: Jupiter, king of all the celestial jungles btw, just became a powerful carnivorous feline, probably intent upon exercising some political muscle. Imagine what Aries fire could add to that mix. Uff da, am I right? Hold tight, things may become pleasantly flammable.

♉ Taurus –The last time these celestial shenanigans occurred was 12 years ago, say ‘02,  and before that—1990, and furtherly every 12 years back past that. Quick primer re Jupiter—big gas bag out past Mars and the asteroid field—on Wed at like 330am PDT he slipped subtly into the constellular field known as Leo—the lion. Roar, and etc, right? So, due to largess and invulnerability Jupiter, king of all the gods, mind you, has now transmogrified into a carnivorous feline Grrrrr factory, and will stay a lion till 2015—yeah, long orbit. Expect big doin’s and the embiggening of your prospectus. Leo is fire, fire’s a catalyst. Fire = change, so imagine that power at the discretion of the king of all gods. Huge boons, big deals and hot times.

♊ Gemini –Quick primer re stuff: from an Earthly pov, behind every planet in our solar system, is one of the 12 constellations—it’s geometry and math and it’s boring, but it’s the Dr Pants’s’ life sometimes, and turns out that on Wed at like 330am PDT, Jupiter—king of all the gods mind you, will leave Cancer in the dust and choose a backdrop of the constellation Leo, for about the next Earth year. King of the gods. Lion. Massive gravitational properties. Roar. King of the celestial jungle reflecting starshine back at us. Furtherly, fire changes matter. It’s a catalyst. Imagine what Gemini air could accomplish in the paws of a skywalking lion. Imagine what You could change, and then make it so. Warp 9, Gemini…Warp 9.

♋ Cancer –Posit: the constellation Cancer lies between Gemini—way full of hot air, and Leo—ready to light it up, both metaphorically, proverbially, and right here right now 24/7, and Cancer the transition, the inter tidal zone, where life can develop, flourish and recreate itself endlessly, all betwixt air and fire—in fact…across the zodiac, water is always between air and fire—Scorp betwixt Libra and Sag, and Pisces between the Aquarii and Aries… furtherly adding to this rambling posit: Jupiter—big gas bag out past the asteroids—just slipped into Leo, and Saturn, in Scorpio, is about to come out of retrograde. Big planets, big energies, big heavenly doin’s. Get ready for a wild interplanetary great space coaster. It’s good to be the king. Happy Birthday, you old sidesaddler.

♌ Leo –Oh snap. It’s roary-roar time in the lion’s den, you’ve done it, now, mister or miss feline. Remember from ‘02 into ‘03? Do ya? Well, the Dr Pants advises you to recall that year, as well as the same period from 1990-1991. What was going on in your life? Quick primer re Jupiter—king of all the gods btw, but also a really large gas bag out past the asteroid field, yes that’s the one, could hold over a 1,000 Earths inside—yes, yes…well, the good fortune belongs to you! And indirectly those of the Aquarian vibe—long story, geometry and stuff, but point is, is that from our Earthly pov, Jupiter was in front of Cancer, and on Wed it moved into Leo. Neat! Astronomy! Meaning? Maybe. Ready thy soul. You, the Lion, you be the catalyst.  

♍ Virgo –Okay, so…quick primer re the solar system and geometry and ancient Greek math: All the planets orbit our Sun más o menos in the same plane, right, and from our Earthly pov re the heavens that bend above us, Jupiter—the king of the all the gods—is changing robes from Cancer to Leo, from water to fire, for the next year, más o menos—entiendes? Bueno. Continuamos re la systema de tus estrellas: the biggest planet in our midst, Jupiter—again, king of all gods—moves from Cancer agua to Leo en fuego—for the next year! Big doin’s, and a year’s long chance to embiggen your spiritual fire. The year starts now. Whizz bang!

♎ Libra –Speaking of astro-geometry, let’s chat briefly and intimately about a planetary shift, that may mean nothing, depending on whom you pressure, but that contains some scientific relevance. Jupiter, right—massive gas bag out past the asteroid field, has been in Cancer for a year, and well now it’s slipping into Leo—the constellation of the king of the celestial jungle, and will transit the Lion’s cosmic alimentary canal well into 2015. Jupiter is the king of all the gods, right? Imagine what influence he could have as a skywalking lion with a taste for meat and intellect. Fire is a catalyst, and Libra is air. Imagine what crazy shite you could pull off seamlessly this year—and then make them so. The year starts now. Whizz bang!

♏ Scorpio –Check this interplanetary action: Jupiter, king of all the gods, has been sleeping thru Cancer for a year, and on Wed he moved into the constellation Leo. Mmmm, fire in charge of the sky = neat! But wait there’s more shite to check: Saturn—the would be king of all the gods, comes out of retro motion on Sun—in Scorpio. You follow? Okay, more follow: the two biggest non solar gas bags in the system are both moving forward and hashing shite out between leonine fire and scorpionic fire water. Shite is right. Humungoid planets, massive gravity, and the heavens rife with fierce souls that don’t require much rest. Uff da! The king of a starry jungle is now hard at work—Wanna change the world? There’s nothing to it…

♐ Sagittarius –Sure, there is no spoon, but let’s talk seriously about what it’s gonna take to get you out to Jupiter today: On Wed, the king of all the heavenly gods finished his sleepy Cancer tour, and moved into Leo, the lion, so, ROAR!—for the next year anyhoo. The leonine skywalker is hungry—he hasn’t had Jupiter in his paws since ’02,  and fyi you could fit over a 1,000 Earths in Jup, and for the next year, he’s pulling on us towards Leo, towards the lion’s den. The Dr Pants posits that you are a sage fire, a wise catalyst able to transform your own environs, so as to make them a product of you. The sky’s on fire, and you are air, a divine and eco friendly fuel. Imagine what a Sag could do with Leo fire. Yeah—blast off…

♑ Capricorn –Doozy of a full moon in Cap last week, right? The Dr Pants is still recovering. But check this shite: On Wed, Jupiter, king of all the gods, moved into Leo for the next year, after a long nap in sleepy Cancer town. And this Sunday, Saturn—wannabe king of planetary gas bags, stops going backwards in the sky, and rejoins the celestial parade—and he’s in Scorpio btw. Yeah, uff da. A lot of the sky’s going to be fire and fire water for a while. Big planets, lots of gravity and tons of leonine strutting, posturing and mastering of the celestial food chain, including a nigh new moon in Leo as well. Big shite. Big doin’s. Break out the hip waders and check before you wreck. This party takes no prisoners.

Aquarius ♒ -It’s a hell of a time to be alive. Check this shite: Jupiter is moving into Leo—hasn’t happened since ‘02, remember that shite? Also check this further shite: we just had a doozy of a full moon in Capricorn, and the next new moon is in Leo, right and consequently the next full moon treading agua in the intellectually gifted sea, the mysterious waters of us, the royal WE, WE the Aquarii, our half birthday and time to shine, and we even got Jupiter in Leo just to sweeten the pot. What could it all mean? What could it all portend? Be aware, be present, be what you’re like, be like yourself—with so much Leo, we can see further and imagine greater than we have previously imagined. Leo is a fiery lens and time is deep and intimately infinite. Act accordingly. The year starts now. Whizz bang!

♓ Pisces –Quickly: some actual astro news, and then on to your immediate future! Jupiter—king of all the gods just strolled into the constellation Leo—the lion, famed carnivore and king of all jungles—until well into 2015. Also, Saturn in Scorp, is now moving forward again in the celestial parade as of Sunday, and finally Uranus—let’s just say it’s got shite goin’ on. Big planets, lots of gravity betwixt fire and fire water, and here we go, your immediate future! Are you sitting down? Probably should. Yes, yes, get comfy. Shoes off? You bet! Ready? This week, you’re going to get rich and/or famous and/or infamously rich and famous! You’ve been sitting on top of Lincoln’s gold the whole time! Something you never would have imagined is ripe & refulgent, burgeoning & ready for plucking. You are one lucky plucky ducky! Treasure is under- as well as, a- foot.

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horrorscopes

(unassociated with neither horror nor scopes of any ilk)

pantsmcturd.blogspot.com

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries –Reminder: here on Earth, it’s summer! In the northern hemi anyhoo, the air is warm and nourishing, and doggonnit, you could sleep outside it's so nice. And maybe you should. The Dr Pants wants you to camp, camp out, camp outside somewhere that makes you feel like new again, like whatever blackness you've been holding or harboring, whatever ancient evil that pervades your innermost Freudian nether regions, now is the time to molt and shed such obvious attempts at disguising your own true self to the stars above. Now is the time of maximum solar energyand of it you should avail yourself, if not a whole week, at least a weekend full on and in the out of doors. It’ll cleanse, rectify & blow your mind. Reconnect. Rebuild. Restore.

♉ Taurus – I'm not lucky to have this job, I'm lucky to be alive. Frakking brilliant, right? Or maybe luck is bullshite and we make our own luck thru repeated and unapologetic attempts at getting thru this spacetime fabric with not only our samsaric® skins intact, but also our karmically divine and  unimaginably magnanimous spirits in- and attuned. WE are made of star stuff. Literally, all our atoms, every iota of energy that makes up us, the we, the royal WE, all that energy was created inside a star, all of us began as a conglomeration of energy that coalesced into ‘solid’ matter. And now, here’s you and the Dr Pants, and the present moment, where any thing you can imagine is possible. Dream large and build constructively and with purpose. There is neither a spoon, nor is there any such thing as luck.  

♊ Gemini –Full moon on Sat the 12^th btw, and fyi it’s the peak of summer photonic solar energy, in the northern hemi anyhoo, and also btw & fyi: When you look at the full moon, directly behind it is the constellation Capricorn, hence a Capricorn moon, and btw & fyi: behind the Sun is the constellation Cancer, and furtherly that at this time, the moon and the sun will be pulling on Earth, and hence on you personally, in opposite yet somehow equal directions between metaphorical water and earth. Oh, and btw &fyi, currently, you reside at a personal best in terms of looking foxy and the strutting of stuff. Find your party pants and find someone to kiss.  

♋ Cancer –The sky is having a crab fest right now, yet fret nary, you’re not the main course, but rather the guest of honor. Happy continuing Birthday times! Quick lowdown skywise: backing up the Sun is the constellation Cancer (yes, you!), in a nice straight line all the way to the Crab Nebula. Yes, your constellation has its own nebula—a supernova from a thousand light years ago. AND…the full moon on the 12^th is against a sky of constellular Capricorn, your skywise opposite and equal, is in effect pulling on Earth in two opposite yet equal directions. For a small cosmic moment, it’s party central here in crab apple cove. Dust off your party pincers & find a beach. The water’s perfectly salty and divinely warm and luxuriant. Happy Birthday, Crabby.

♌ Leo –Posit: many mammals are carnivores, right, and many hunt at night, and specifically, there’s bound to be more stalking and hunting during a full moon—more light, right, and so as we human types evolved to hunt larger and larger prey—top o’the food chain, right—as a species we’ve become attuned to the moon and its cycles. Point is, is that Sat the 12^th is a full moon—Oh and btw, it’s residing against a backdrop of Capricornian constellular masses, like literally, the moon and the Crab constellation are pulling us in opposite yet equal directions in timespace. The Dr’s astro advice: go directly to where the earth and water intersect, and get comfy for at least a weekend.

♍ Virgo –The Dr Pants’s posit for the week occurs thusly: big carnivores like us humans & lions & whathaveya, we’ve evolved as hunters of larger and more dangerous game—top o’the food chain, right, and surprise surprise, a full moon is a great time to hunt, way more night light, right, and so accordingly our adrenaline systems and energy levels might also attune themselves accordingly to provide our bodies with maximum durability during intense lunations to ensure a better hunt, a better kill, & ergo more survival. Neat, right? Well shucks, Sat the 12^th is a full lunation—against a backdrop of stars from a fellow earth sign, the Cappie, the mountain goat with the most goatee! Point is, is: full moon on Sat. Beware lunacy and saturnalia.

♎ Libra –Regeneration is your watchword for the week. Recently the Dr Pants unsuccessfully tried to slice off a fingertip with an over eager knife that turns out, was quite sharp. Luckily he survived, as did the fingertip, which somehow reshaped, rebuilt and restructured itself back to its original shape. Our bodies have evolved to regenerate, without our conscious knowledge or intervention. The body just does it—all on its own recognizance. Posit: the psyche has a similar evolution and is also self healing. Astro advice: now is the time of max solar munitions, in the northern hemi anyhoo, so put your conscious meditative energy toward buttressing your already innate self healing. Physician, heal thyself. Time is ripe.

♏ Scorpio –From an Earthly pov, Cap and Cancer are opposite each other in the sky, right, and currently the constellation Cancer is right behind our sun, and thanks to gravity, Cancer is pulling our star as well as us—we, the royal WE, towards it, towards space water and crabby beach dwellers, and furtherly and concurrently the full moon on Sat the 12^th, floats upon a backdrop of constellular Capricorn, aka the sea goat—and so that group of stars is pulling on us in the opposite direction. There’s a lot of attraction and mutual gravity going down in cosmos town, right? Rife with symbolism, no? This nexus twixt earth and water should reveal treasure. Eyes on the prize.

♐ Sagittarius -Perhaps we are all endless intellectual warriors, bound to be curious, infinitely intrepid, and ever clever in our endeavors to find out what's next, what's ahead via the horizon, zenith, or wormhole. Infinity seems like a shiteload of time, right? And our atoms, our very constitutions are borne of star stuff, of helium and hydrogen, and whatever coalesced before muons and gluons started working together to form matter. So really as long as we're conscious, what really could be the matter? Nigh tis full moon ‘gainst a backdrop of a Capricornian constellular conspiracies—common sense, intelligent, bold, and yet measured steps into a larger future.

♑ Capricorn –From current earthly pov, our sun is hanging out at the local watering hole of the constellation Cancer, at summer’s height—in the northern hemi anyhoo, maximum photons and energy waves pointed right at us, and meanwhile the moon, which is full on the 12^th  btw, is parked in front of the constellation Capricorn, aka the sea goat…fer reals, you’re a goat, due the section of the sky you call home, you’re actually a goat that likes the water—who knew right? Point is, is that you only get one full moon a year in your sign. This week, you’re extra fancy & super high falutin’. In short, your poop don’t stink. Act accordingly and exercise your kingly kindliness.

Aquarius ♒ -So little to do and so much time. Wait. Strike that. Reverse it. And also, a quick primer on Uranus: allegedly, it’s the ruling planet of Aquarius, for whatever that’s worth, considering it wasn’t discovered till maybe 1690, giving well intentioned yet oft inept astrologers very little time to ascribe this particular green gas giant’s bona fides, so let’s say furtherly, that Uranus’s orbit is irregular compared to ALL the other planets, and even furtherly, that it’s the only planet named for a Greek god rather than Roman, and yet still furtherly, that we Aquarii are reputed to be unpredictable, perhaps unusual and absurdly unbelievably fast on our mental feet, and yet once more furtherly, Uranus is in the constellation Aries til 2018—slow orbit, right? As usual: consider all things and non-things, but don’t forget to carpe omnia—Seize everything. Time is ripe for pickin..

♓ Pisces –Posit this wack shite: full moon on Sat the 12^th—so we see the full face of the moon lit up by yonder sun, and in this once yearly instance, behind the sun is Cancer, and behind the full moon is Capricorn. Furtherly, thanks to gravity and science, the moon and sun are pulling on Earth as well as on you, personally, in opposite yet oddly equal directions, betwixt super solar heated water and effervescent tide pools, and an alleged mountain goat representing earth and possibly, stateliness—and you in betwixt the two. Amid these disparate tidal energies, hold tight—for what you discover between ebb & flow is rare & priceless. Thar be treasure both near & nigh.

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality futurism that doesn’t suck!

♈ Aries –Currently all fire signs vibe with the same good fortune: so, dig this shite and posit: Jupiter, big ass gas bag out past Mars, right, shoulda woulda coulda been a sun, contains 2.5 times the mass of all the other planets—combined, right and it changes signs once a year, due to its 12 year long orbit around the sun. Wait, there’s more: Jup gravity pulls on us all the time, but starting on the 16^th it will be pulling us towards the constellation Leo—fellow fire sign, and fire is creation, chemically it changes matter into some other kind of matter, it’s a catalyst. As we move towards a leonine mind set, make plans for your own bold actions. Nothing is out of reach.

♉ Taurus –The Dr Pants isn’t here to kiss your ass, so don’t ask me for a flowery bullshite account of your future and how your relationships will benefit from the current state of Mars, or the nigh Jupiter in Leo, nor how this asteroid or that planetary conjunction will benefit or increase your libido, make your junk more attractive, nor will he espouse the benefits of opening your heart to cosmic energy flowing from a distant constellation that’s dying in a corner of the sky—no, that’s all gutter balls & snipe hunts. The Dr Pants doesn’t have to tell the likes of your big brain that you create your own future by engendering the present with your best intentions and valiant efforts. Believe in no ‘scope. Time is ripe for self -confidence, -love and -acceptance.

♊ Gemini –The Dr Pants’s apologies in advance for the math, but check this crazy shite: Planets go retrograde, right, and Mercury came out of retro on July 1, right, as it happens, at around 23° of Gemini—around the ecliptic mind you, and furtherly when it began retrograde on June 7, it was at…yep, 23°—of Gemini—around the ecliptic mind you, and since the Dr Pants’s favorite number to obsess over is 23, not in a Jim Carrey way, but still it is a nifty numeral, point is, is that if you find yourself moving forward yet repeating something from 3 weeks ago—a Gemini déjà vu, fret not—it’s just business…simultaneously & intentionally harmless, helpful & inspiring.  

♋ Cancer -Innovators rarely receive recognition, nor $$—take the Tesla, the Nikolai, and how Edison took better advantage of early patent laws, instrumental in early north American capitalism, inventionally inspiring—actual intellectual property! And what has become of us? The largess of corporate power is perhaps too onerous to benefit society, as well the weight of dinosaurs on our collective fuel supply, regardless of the efficacy of solar and wind and tidal and geothermic and innovation which has been reined in, subsided, and depromulageted—Well, boogedy-boogedy, says the Dr Pants! Tis time for science & logic to replace mindless greed & psychotic capitalism—I’m talking to you, birthday Crab—assist us all thru the next tidal internecine. And happy birthday, you ancient crustacean you.

♌ Leo –You should be feeling stoked, amped, and about to be jacked—in a good way, and here’s some why: the massive gas ball shoulda coulda woulda been a sun in its own right, Jupiter, due to its 12 year orbit of the Sun, changes signs about once a year, and on the 16^th, it slides into the constellation Leo. Neat, right? Here’s more why: this gas bag is huge—so huge that it contains 2.5 times the mass of all the other planets combined—and it’s pulling on us all the time, right, but now it’s pulling us towards the constellation Leo, the epitome of the leonine mind. Imagine something that large and Leo friendly who wants to bringß us to Tiger Town—who knows what could happen! Buckle up and prepare to leap—you won’t need a net.

♍ Virgo –Here’s the deal: the Dr Pants only tells you because he knows you can handle deep shite: Mercury is going ‘forward’ again in the sky, altho—there’s still a lot of ground to be dug up, and you being an earthly sign, figured you’d know how to separate the worms from the dirt, so that we can go fishin’ & get drunk. So, Merc started going backwards June 7 at about 23° of Gemini, and came out of retro on July 1, at—23° of Gemini. Fun math, right? Probably means nothing right? Probably. Tho the Dr Pants suggests—not engenders nor espouses, but mos def suggests that you may feel like your playlist is on repeat—a little Gemini déjà vu. This time, the Dr suggests changing channels and plotting a new course. Time is ripe for new futures.

♎ Libra -For the following week, be prepared for an conflagration of super powers that will endow you with big post solstice pheromones and kick ass new moons, new beginnings, and a blazoning sword lightening the way towards the next incarnation your of boomstick. What? Oh yes, the shizznit: this ball of energy is imminent to your face and your prospectus, so act accordingly. This is the time of year, in the northern hemi anyhoo, that you should strut your peacock self all over the runway and into the audience, who will be too mesmerized by your radiance to utter anything but plaudits. The Dr Pants currently admires you. You reek of refulgence. Be bold & audacious.

♏ Scorpio –Good query you posited: Why is water representationalized & sensationalized as emotional, turbulent, unpredictable, and so manipulated by the movements of a nearby moon—which its nigh impending fullness will be shining in conjunction with Capricorn starlight. Cap is like Scorp’s lover from another mother figure—earth & summer and growth & pulchritude, a panacea for senses grown weary with backwards Mercury and a too oft cruel & intolerant world. Back to posit: in super old timey Babylonian days, the Cap was known as the sea goat, an earth sign that lives in a water region of our sky—and water is fundamental, scientifically & literally it’s the universal solvent, and soon you and a sea goat will make some really nice music together. Try not to overdo it, but go ahead, put your party pants on.

♐ Sagittarius –Big doins, check this shite: Jupiter, big ass gas bag out past Mars, right, shoulda woulda coulda been a sun, contains 2.5 times the mass of all the other planets—combined, right and it changes signs once a year, due to its 12 year long orbit around the sun. Wait, there’s more: Jup gravity pulls on us all the time, but starting on the 16^th it will be pulling us towards the constellation Leo—fellow fire sign, and fire is creation, chemically it changes matter into some other kind of matter, it’s a catalyst. As we move towards a leonine mind set, make plans for your own bold actions. If there is no light, you’re the only one who knows how to make it. Light something up.

♑ Capricorn -For the next little while, all of the artless subterfuge, shallow chicanery, underhanded calumnies, crookery & crockery, jiggery & pokery, legerdemain, skullduggery, shady biz, underworld double dealing and bald pated bullshite that are so often part and parcel of the cruel workaday world will abate, diminish, skip town, skedaddle, subside, and jump back to good ol’ DefCon 5 for at least the next 2 months. Technically, we’re always between earth signs, but this embrace twixt Taurus and Virgo is especially tender (for the northern hemi anyhoo), so chillax til the Sun turns towards Virgin territory, uncharted waters, proto-simian fire and Prometheus unbound & likely up to no good. For now, it’s summertime, the livin is easy.

Aquarius ♒ -the Dr Pants decrees that your muse for the week is the Sag Jimi Hendrix, the king of all airs and heirs, and at times some fire is required to transit to a higher atmo and more challenging stratospheres. Let’s get specific: hear the album Axis Bold As Love, listen to it, then hear it again, then grok it, maybe keep it on in the background so your subsonic subconscious can get its jive on/off. Translate to a higher dimension and drop the ballast you’ve been carrying, deoxygenate your excess molecules, and loft your big consciousness into higher altitudes, and gain a better perspective and prospectus. This summer will prove revelatory and laudatory—if you let it in, and let ‘IT’ out. Now is a time of action.

♓ Pisces -In the official opinion of the Dr Pants, Cancer, your fellow water sign and easy prey for the likes of a Pisces, the ol’ Crab gets an undeserved reputation about being secretive sidewinding care givers, so let’s dispel some shite: 1) the crab, as in the crustacean, right, has existed for over 500 million years, thru multiple ice ages and planet wide extinction episodes—they’ve even survived how delicious they are to us humans! Metaphorically, they’re unbreakable. And 2) Cancer might literally represent tidal water flows, but Pisces is water incarnate and worldwide. Find a Crab, kiss him/her on the mouth, and nurture their evolution. +, maybe read Scorp.