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                    Dr. Pants' Eerily True Horror-scopes
                       
disclaimer: Satire does not require profanity, but it can't hurt.

this week: Appreciation of absurdism is a key ingredient of an enlightened path and a healthy sex life.

Aries- One could argue that there is no such thing as business ethics. There are only the dual imperatives of making a profit, and not getting caught feloniously in the process. Like cockroaches, nefarious and inconvenient truths hate the kitchen light. Bring out all of your dirty lies, foul calumnies, and lascivious proclivities under the 70 watt bulb of scrutiny and make sure that your behavior stands up to proper scrupling.

Taurus- When the Pledge of Allegiance was written in 1892, the words 'under god' were not part of the speech. Apparently in the 19th century, separation of church and state meant something. Or maybe in the long term, humans will always lean toward stuffing god into any sandwich or onto any pizza regardless of the logical benefits of secularism, especially regarding food/deity metaphors. Based on the evidence at hand, I reckon that god probably tastes super yummy. If you find your god this week, eat of it wholly, holistically, and holily.

Gemini- It doesn't matter if you're a tone deaf bar of chocolate covered cow patties. Or a philandering philatelist. However, if you are a narcoleptic beaver whacker, I will have to report you to the authorities. I'm not exactly sure what branch of law enforcement deals with that particular felony, hopefully not the bomb squad. Is it morally ethical to whack any beaver? Then again, I personally know many beavers that deserve a good whacking, but then again, who am I to judge any dam building mammal? And are humans and beavers the only dam building animals? To avoid any further confusion, find your moral center, put on your favorite leisure suit and paint the town weird.

Cancer- The application of the 5 second rule is dependent upon on 3 factors: 1) the overall quality of the floor, a bathroom at the beach being the penultimate in vomitous floor quality; 2) the importance of the food dropped, if it's a rum ball-- I'm probably gonna wash it off and eat it, even if it dropped in cat litter; and 3) just how hungry you really are, considering the last time you cleaned that particular floor was sometime in early 2008. All life on earth originated with single celled organisms like germs, bacteria and viruses; and how ironic that our immune system evolved to combat such creative and life provoking entities. Eat some germs. They are simultaneously your past and your future.

Leo- 'Sic semper tyrranis'  is what John Wilkes Booth screamed after shooting Lincoln. It means 'thus always to tyrants'. Pretty harsh. It's also the state motto of Virginia. Almost as direct is 'Live Free or Die', the state motto of the New Hampshire. Personally, I like Michigan's motto: 'Si quaeris peninsulam amoenam circumspice', meaning if you seek a pleasant peninsula, look around you. No person would ever scream that in either anger or vengeance; only I would imagine, in pleasure. I mean, who doesn't love a good peninsula?! Find yourself a pleasant peninsula this week and have a nice cold beer.

Virgo- You can go suck an egg. You can also get bent, take a hike, go soak your head, go fly a kite, eat dinner with the lemmings, stuff cheese into your crumpet, or if you're feeling particularly saturnalic and kinky, you can purloin your grandmother's knickers and have yourself a hootenanny. Perverted deviance is probably your most attractive quality, next to your hygiene. Just try to let the rest of us 'norms' catch up before you go galavanting into the weird, the wild, and the wooly that is your fetishistic existence.

Libra- Despite its Victorian Age connotation, prudence denotatively speaking, is the ability to govern and discipline oneself by the use of reason. Prudential abuse, however is a serious affliction. It takes away from the fun and often naked excitement of knowingly making questionable choices for prurient or tabooistic™ reasons, which I totally support-- when done in a prudent manner. To attain prudential enlightenment, you should be wisely reckless, compassionately orgiastic, and inordinately wacky for at least 7 minutes of each waking hour for the next 723 days.

Scorpio- Kimodo dragons are not known for having good hearing. They do have ear holes though, which leads me to surmise that they can hear just fine, it's that they just don't give a crap about your dull yet ribald life. Someday, when you get to be the largest living lizard of your species, then you too can pretend not to hear stuff. For now, you're stuck listening with the rest of us saps. Deal with it. Learning only happens when ears are open.

Sagittarius- If you put three people in a room together who all think that they're Jesus, wouldn't you think that they could work it out and either pick one Jesus among them, or maybe even come to the realization that believing you're Jesus is just plain nutty, which would cause all the Jesus' to take up macrame or pole dancing in order to take their minds off their savior fetish, and move on with their lives? I know you think about these things too, but somebody is already ahead of us on that experiment-- (just Google Milton Rokeach). Turns out, each Jesus just became more entrenched in their assumed saintliness. My point here is buried in obtusity™. Just come down off the cross, please, and we'll get you some ice cream and bourbon.

Capricorn- The 23 Enigma is the belief that the number 23 is somehow related to all incidents and events. It does seem to pop up way too often to be coincidence, or maybe because I'm looking for it, I find it everywhere, making me a paranoid apophenic. But think about it-- all human cells have 23 pairs of chromosomes; 23 is the sacred number of Eris, goddess of discord; Julius Ceasar was stabbed 23 times; Luke and Han rescue Leia from cellblock AA23; and most importantly, whenever I glance at a clock, more often than not, it's 23 after. I think my point is clear: keep an eye out for your favorite enigmatic number. Your guardian angel might be trying to tell you something.

Aquarius- Darwin, Lincoln, Verne, Carroll, Brecht, Galileo, MacArthur, Dickens, Roosevelt, Lemmon, Newman, Joyce, and Groening, to name a few-- all Aquarians. Seemingly, we are all attractive ingenious rebels, with a penchant for the brilliantly unexpected. There is no down side to being an Aquari---oh shit, Dick Cheney, really? And Sarah Palin?? And Glenn Beck??? Oh, dire, dire crap. Every bag is bound to have a few questionable apples though. Don't let the occasional dog turd in a field of poppies in full bloom on a perfectly sunny day lessen your own perfect perspicacity.

Pisces- LSD was discovered accidentally by a chemist, who got some of the substance on his fingers, and got super high. I call it an incidental trip™. "Kaleidoscopic, fantastic images surged in on me, alternating, variegated, opening and then closing themselves in circles and spirals, exploding in colored fountains, rearranging and hybridizing themselves in constant flux ...", mused Albert Hofmann, incidental tripper™. Sounds great, doesn't it? Unless you have a bunch of stuff to get done at work, and you're too busy tripping and you get fired for staring at your fingers all day because you're waiting for them to 'fing'. My advice: watch out for incidental trips, unexpected ruffies, and friends who say,
'Here, try this',... and everything will coalesce into coolness.






!!!Special Birthday Horoscope!!!
If you're turning 6 this week, this is for your eyes only:

6 is a magical number.

In mathematics, 6 is the first perfect number, which means all of its divisors
(1,2 and 3) add up to 6 (1+2+3=6)!
You are now the perfect number 6 too!!
And it also looks like an upside down 9---weird, right?!

In physics, there are 6 types of quarks; they come in flavors: Up, Down, Strange, Charm, Bottom, and Top. They're subatomic, super cool and do weird trippy things; like sometimes, they're both there and not there at the same time----really weird, right?! 6 is also the atomic number of Carbon (my favorite element!). All the really cool life forms are carbon based.
(Silicon and arsenic are so 1960's...)

Also, there's 6 six sides to every cube, 6 degrees of separation between all of us, 6 strings on every guitar, and soda comes in, guess what--- a 6-pack!!!
6 geese-a-laying, like in the Christmas song---actually refers to the 6 days that it took 'god' to create the earth.
And it just so happens that Virgo is the 6th sign of the zodiac!
As you can clearly see, 6 is a very important number, and I hereby officially predict that this year, your special number 6, is going to be the coolest year ever.....(until you're 7, then it gets even cooler!!!)

                                        !!!!HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!