Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

                    Dr. Pants' Eerily True Horror-scopes


                             
disclaimer: sometimes after a satirical event you may need to flush multiple times.

this week: mental divergence is not just for time travelers from the future
trying to stop a pandemic released by David Morse with a ponytail in 1997.
See what mental divergence can do for you today!


ARIES- Caligula didn't seem insane at first. He ushered in many democratic reforms, such as publishing the account of public funds, cutting taxes, and ensuring democratic elections. Sounds just like a certain George W. I know... ahhhh, benevolent tyrants! It wasn't long, however, before Caligula was replacing the heads of the statues at local temples with busts of his own head. And who could forget the whole appointing his horse to the senate debacle? One lesson to be gleaned is to keep an eye on your tipping point, it's a slippery slope and before you know it you're tossing innocents into the lion pit out of sheer boredom, or appointing your cat Lord Viceroy of the Republic of Wack-a-doos and Spoonerisms. Hold tight the reins, the future is here and it's messy.

TAURUS-  Contrary to the tongue map, invented by Harvard psychologist Edwin G. Boring in 1901, the human tongue actually has taste buds for all tastes all over the tongue. You don't taste umami just in one spot, but all over that lolly-gagging tongue of yours. Which I know you were super concerned about. And really, Dr. Boring was studying taste buds? Poor, stupid Dr. Boring, everybody was listening to you, man, until it turned out you didn't know jack about the tongue. In your tongue's case, I cannot stress enough the importance of questioning the source, even if it turns out that savory does indeed happen all over, without human prompting, and completely out of your control. Good luck, cow boy/girl/person/Alf.

GEMINI- I really dig Socrates, and as a corollary, Galileo. He believed that we should be governed, not by democracy, where usually the most vocally aggressive voices are heard above the herd; but rather society is served best when ruled by wise philosophizing intellectuals, aka the philosopher king, aka I hope, Mr. Obama; because a learned person would govern fairly and sagaciously, without bias or prejudice; because a true intellectual understands the concept of 'I benefit the most, by the benefit of all'. That said, how are you doing on that front? Making progress, I hope. Please get me a sandwich on your way home.

CANCER- No matter how hard I try, I have some friends that I only communicate with electronically. No time for face time. Only enough focus for the purpose of immediate gain. Such a shame to ignore the long view of our friendship. Another casualty in an age where we're all more connected than ever, yet becoming somehow more isolated. A variegated life is a healthy one, I forget that all the time. So, when are we going to hang out? I know this great place right on the Seine, where they have the most amazing baked goat cheese and spinach salad and you can watch both the tourists and the local devout traipse in and out of Notre Dame, dreaming of salvation and the unfortunate but necessary trip back home to San Jose. Call me, let's do lunch.

LEO- A famous Sanskrit verse tells us that “our present is the result of all our yesterdays, and the future depends on how well we live today”. Well... today I would like bourbon for breakfast and black licorice for lunch, and then a nap. I want the return of Naked Tuesdays and an easier way to get my fix. I want freedom for my brothers and sisters, who even today, suffer bondage and persecution. I want underwear that doesn't hamper my balls' natural range of motion. I want to become chocolate, so that I can experience one of your own obsessions. I want many things. Get out of your sleepy bunk, sailor-- this may become funk-a-liciously weird and esoterically slippery.

VIRGO- How many random tourist pictures are you in the background of? My estimate is 14.3 pictures per year, assuming that you're not a hermit, idly wandering between stacks of old newspapers in your house, that are laid out, in your opinion, cleverly..., in the same design as the ancient maze at the ancient Palace of Knossus in Greece. My point is that you should try to horn in on as many pictures as possible this week. You're very photogenic and you will be welcomed like family; also, you may experience temporary nirvanistic™ nabobs of nothingness, so pack for two climates.

LIBRA- The sorites paradox asks the age old question, if you have a pile of sand, and you keep removing individual grains of sand from the pile, at what point does it cease to be a pile of sand? Down to one grain? Six? For me personally the answer is the same number as the the number of stars in the Milky Way. Anything smaller and we wouldn't be considered a galaxy, we would be considered a Dodge Caravan. Don't get lost in the counting, or you'll miss all the really cool piles of sand laying everywhere, that heretofore have gone underappreciated, especially the ones that have been trying to tell you something important.

SCORPIO- Pascal's Wager was posed by 17th century physicist Blaise Pascal wherein he states that even if the existence of god could not be determined through reason, a rational person should wager that he does exist, because living life accordingly has everything to gain and nothing to lose. In other words, even men of science want to hedge their bets against an eternity in hell. Fake it till you make it? Even if there is no god, and we're merely the reflection of life seen through a concave mirror-verse, where the real puppet masters-- a race of giant omnipotent and sadistic five dimensional rats, hold dominion over us and mock our every step? Perhaps I've said too much. Place your bets, the rats are watching.

SAGITTARIUS- A syzygy is an alignment, usually of three objects, like planets, or Gummy Bears, or destructive familial dysfunctions. The odds against such trifectas are not so crazy, they happen all the time. If nothing else, this wacky multiverse sure knows how to build stuff. Three is a great number, very solid, makes a great basis for anything, from holy trinities to donuts, both of which I always eat in threes for reasons I won't divulge in this public of a form. Looking at you right now, I see the number two. And three is fast approaching. Grab your socks and whatever rhymes with socks, and be ready for anything.

CAPRICORN- Socrates was Jesus before Jesus was Jesus-- fer reals. Before being convicted of being an intellectual by a jury of 500 of his "peers"-- as if the smartest man alive at that time could have 500 peers--; he took hemlock and became one of our earliest martyrs-- for freedom, dammit; freedom of intelligent expression, that the individual was as important as the ruling class or any fickle opinion of misinformed society at large. Don't take any shit this week, man. I also recommend not taking any hemlock.

AQUARIUS- If you meet the trickster god Loki, do not make any bets with him. Some Norwegian dwarves did back in the time before time, the wager about something trivial, and the consequence being Loki's head if he lost. He did lose, but when the dwarves came to collect the head, Loki said, Ok, just don't take any of my neck. This confounded the dwarves since the exact spot where the neck ends and head begins is historically a bit arbitrary. They argued for days. In the end, Loki kept his head, but the dwarves sewed his lips together instead. The lesson? Don't make bets where beheading might be the outcome. I'm speaking literally and metaphorically, of course.

PISCES- Absolute Zero at -459.67°F, is the point at which matter, even at the subatomic level stops moving. Imagine-- electrons stop spinning, all "solid" matter coming to a screeching halt. Seems to me, you've been hovering at such depths for too long. To avoid the bends on the way back up to normal spacetime, just relax and imagine your atoms, slowly getting back up to speed, until you reach the perfect pitch and vibration that you once were, when all the earth was green and soda cost a nickel. And then, call me, cause we haven't talked in forever.