Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

      Dr. Pants McTurd's MORE Than True Horror-scopes

                                 

disclaimer: Satire is not what you think. And, it’s still not, so eat your peas.

this week: the exact moment of free will’s birth, whence divided reality from singularity was/is/mightbe/ noneofyourbeeswax, so shut your pretty mouth.

Doc P’s Word of the Week: louche. People with only one eye have gotten the shaft, being associated with such low dealing scoundrels. You see an eyepatch---give ‘em a break.

Aries-  I’ve said It before--plants rule the world. But before our feature presentation, consider the frugivore. Yes, you read rightly- frugivore, meaning an animal whose diet consists primarily of fruit- pretty much like most of our simian cousins. Now consider that seeds in fruit have found ways to achieve maximum seed dispersal by appearing sweet and delicious and dietarily advantageous. Consequently, because of our ambulatory proclivities, seeds may move their progeny away from the parents in spacetime, allowing for further evolution and expansion. Fer sure, that’s brilliant bullcrap. The plants are using our intestines to take over the world. Luckily, we developed agriculture, which kind of gives us temporary power over plants; until we screw up the whole system with unwise irrigation and advanced bio chemical weaponry coursing through our food chain. Eat local, eat organic---beware the catch phrases, for we may live in a vending machine.

Taurus- How well are you acquainted with the dictamnus? The burning bush—as in the Burning Bush…not the pornographic std reference, which guaranteed, was your initial reaction…nor a foul plot disguised as shrubbery intended to take over the steerage of our country--cough—cheney, rove, profiteers, oil, texas, saudis, etc…..but rather the biblical bush; which much like the plagues of Egypt, may have had actual natural causes and may be relative proof of a relative degree of historical accuracy. The dictamnus, aka the gas plant, has a ‘distinct’ smell during summer, and probably as a defense mechanism, is covered with a flammable oil. It’ll burst flamewise, faster than the 60 year old gas heater that ‘warms’ my house come winter’s time, taking eyebrows and calmative with it. What a plant! What evolution! What “random” chance that such a thing could exist! Go easy and watch your metaphorical dictamnus.

Gemini- Your whimsy is bounded only by the extreme depths of wowee wow wow vistas and sultry roadside attractors that the subatomic and macroscopic have to offer our current linear understanding; vis-à-vis our evolved binocular vision and entranced mindsets that are effervescent at mind’s opening, but prolapse into flat sugary water the more we swish it around our palettes dreaming of what could be rather than what seems always not, and what appears to be forever untouchable by hands that crave love and acceptance in such an ardent fashion, as mine do yours, and as yours inevitably leave for the next foundation, goal, desire, WHIM, wind, or tidal forces that mold atoms into a matrix I can grasp with my own tentacles and squirt with my own ink. Dive deep.

Cancer- There’s a person- our brethren, our blood, living somewhere, I don’t know, maybe it’s the last amazon tribe that hasn’t been wiped out by our civilized poison, or a maligned people in South Sudan, or some folks just getting the shaft out in good ol’ USA somewheres likes coal miners, under the table gun dealers, lettuce pickin’ migrant workers, or corporations that now officially have a soul—and a legal one at that. There’s a person, a tribe, a gang, an affiliation of unfettered and disfederated states, a rogue cadre of nomads and alchemists, a band of globe trotting hoopsters that claim “to know the way”---there are all of those people, and the numbers are ridonkulously ginormous. You are but one—one mind, one heart, one soul—one person, traveling wickedly through the ether, waiting for some thing that we know not of. Dream further and farther than you have ever dreamt before and you can not possibly miss yourself.

Leo- Peppers are hot because they evolved a defense mechanism against certain microorganisms that were trying to kill them. Capsaicin is the chemical compound that makes my face and nuts twist up whenever I think I need to prove myself, or that perhaps, my bowels need to prove themselves. Consequently, a portion of our diet that is responsible for muy mas macho and is actually healthy for me---convergently evolved alongside us, or possibly because of us. However, I’m not here to continue the moot debate between chicken and egg, aka politician and graft, or good and evil. What I’m merely in awe of, is the flexible complexity, not to mention the speed of it all, which is probably based on ultimately, environmental decay, considering the planet simply will not live forever. Carpe Viridiplantae and eat hearty food that challenges you.

Virgo- We are newcomers in the world of sperm---scientifically speaking; please keep your filthy mind from gutter related proceedings whilst I make a feeble point: plants have different sexes. Plants have sperm. Heck and hokum! A gymnosperm is an ancient species of plant that today is considered a living fossil, which as an idiot corollary, I consider rather nifty. Monkeys may be our cousins, but plants are our forbears. They may seem primitive, but they are actually much hardier than we pitiful homos. The word gymnosperm itself says to me that plants are literally working out, building muscle and plotting world domination. Some of them even eat meat! They can even survive our attempted murder via an out of control military industrial complex that insists on stronger strains of anthrax, and hoppier beer. Keep an eye on your sperm, both literal and metaphorical.

Libra- If scientists observe everything, and everything we observe is affected by the very nature of our observation—btw thanks, Heisenberg—your principles are indeed deliciously uncertain; anyhowdy, if so, verily are we not always conscious of our life, and isn’t that perception self validated; that is to say, are we not who we believe we are, even though that perception is biased and angled and ankled by the myopic entity we are? How many strings and how many ‘verses can we name before madness sets in? Can we ever truly separate ourselves from our own devices? Must I forever be hoisted on mine own petard, even though the sapient serpent droppeth like the gentle dew of mercy, which is never, ever strained; save for fools and reptilian justice. Meditate and observe before writing down your results. The future just hasn’t happened yet.

Scorpio- Plants are using our intestines to take over the world, and considering that they were on the planet first, we might be screwed---unless we make friends, rather than slaves of our green forbears. Case in point, apes eat fruit, and poop out the seeds farther from the parent fruits, thereby spreading their progeny farther apart in spacetime, which allows for maximum seed dispersal, and better odds of survival. And the rabbit hole goes even deeper. Maybe bacteria created us so that they could eventually tool around the universe, or at present anyway, around the solar system. We control nothing, and I’m not saying our whims are not our own, but those single celled organisms evolved first, and we are their spaceships. I think they mean well, just try to listen, and let their singularity guide your launch windows.

Sagittarius- Crazy light waves/particles/semantics travel the distance from the sun to the earth in about 8 minutes. It bears repeating, 8 minutes. Also bearing towards true north, is the 93 million miles it has to travel to reach my window at about 6pm on a solstice in late june—the northern earth in full bloom, replete with wild consternations and constellations, fungi in a panoply of shapes regardless of the angle of your particular social dynamic and sensual proclivities and conundrums. And the real bear, not bearing directly on the ursine nature of your arrow shooting ways, the real bear is the one inside that russian head inside your own that has seen too many winters and tunguskan events to not be a little wary. The crazy photons illumining your visage are indeed a miracle. Act accordingly and let the light make shapes on your eyes wide shut.

Capricorn- Before the computer screen, we used typewriters-- movable print, all thanks to a dude named Gutenberg-- not Steve….wow, I almost crapped myself there---where was I? Anyhowdy, as one would type, the ideas would flow in a more ‘direct’ manner from imagination, both subatomic and platonic—through the nerve endings, and consequently, my free will, in the written form, gets blasted ‘up’ward in a matrix defined only by aforementioned imagination, whose bond is strengthened by the use of such a manual device---unless…the next stage in our exponentially advancing understanding of self and most hidden loose affection, changes the very route upon which our impulses travel-- from free will, to axons, to dendrites, and technically fissionable material in subatomic freeforall®. Unglue your eyes, rent Short Circuit and go with the river’s flow.

Aquarius- What drives you, metaphorically? And literally? Is there even a drive at all? Do you even have access to a motorized mechanized vehicle (and money for fuel) with the ability and training to even operate such a rolling deathtrap? Despite the inherent uncertainty of our universe, and depending of course upon the reference point, vantage point, pointofview®, perspective, singularity-osity, and the vague tangents at length that will be explained in full, if you have the software (and patience) to download the appropriate compression rate---wait, fart-- who are we to compress anything, really? Are we not an expanding matrix, devoid of purpose, except to fill any vacuum that will accommodate us? Bear in mind, that being in neutral means you’re still in motion.

Pisces- Your crystalline structure is matrixed and muggled and superfluously entwined with bare bottomed, slippery slidey fancy pants knickerbockers that outline your gracious and alluring buttocks; to the which and from the tongue, I would entwine and entwissel all my energies toward worshipping your corporeal temple mouthwise-- as a platitude, a watchword, a holy sigul pointing heavenward, and asking not for reward, but for toe curling, orgasmic gratuities and ingenuities of the most divine nature. You crafty, clever, survivalist nutjob…you hearken back to a time of primordial sensuality and crocodilian sensibilities. You are right to always look skyward, for that’s where the future lies---and it always speaks truth.