Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

      Dr. Pants McTurd's MORE Than True Horror-scopes

                         

disclaimer: even without freedom, satire exists. even when forced underground, it’s power to bubble topward, freedonian style is inevitably micro-tomic.

this week: up your nose with a rubber hose. fer reals and shizzle, yo.

Doc P’s Word of the Week: cretin. It was racist to call someone that like 2000 years ago. It’s cool now though.

Aries- As the self proclaimed ‘Sultan of Sandusky’, aka Bud ‘the buddy’ Normalson, once said, ‘the Stetson–Harrison method of producing a positive Throckmorton sign, is superior to the more poisonous, dihydrogen monoxide treatment, aka anti-torture, which inevitably and collectively assaults our senses and removes our id’. I don’t know what the hell he was talking about, but because it’s in quotes AND italics, not to mention the all caps on the ‘and’ indicating a stressed importance of, I guess, the combination of verbs, is what really packs the proverbial punch. Some of what we’ve discussed here has been real, painfully real indeed; and yet some of today’s palaver is of less value than the contents of your average landfill or septic system. As you sift through the flotsam, try to remember that there is a spoon, but it won’t help you if you really want oatmeal.

Taurus- La Belle Époque, at the time anyway, was not so belle. Eras get named in retrospect—the Roaring 20’s, the Victorian Age, the Summer of Love, or that one decade where everyone refused to wear pants or pay their rent. After time for analysis has passed and we are well on to the next crisis, disaster, corporate malfeasance, palinesque forays into foreign countries to secure energy---which we need---but I’m just sayin’…In the moment, when events are piled skywise and linearlike, we react--figuring shit out when we have time, even a moment’s pause—breaks happen, but sometimes we don’t get to choose when. I predict that you will find yourself in the iris of the eye of the storm, and the karmic donkey you’re riding will foist you indefatigably successward and skyhigh.

Gemini- Caution: what you are about to read may blow your mind and entwine you in ways that will rightly earn you the nickname ‘cosmic grapevine’. You will feel an inescapable need to tattoo yourself with an image, a glyph, a phrase, a totem, or just the safe word of your significant other; so that you can remember at a glance, have that thought, that photostatic copy in your head of events that have now gone the way of the auk, the dodo, Bare Bottom Tuesdays® at my favorite local bar, and the age of being able to eat lard without all the self flagellation and perceived morality. You are on a precipice that leads only to higher ground and safe havens for your sacred cows and pet projects.

Cancer- I’m a fan of the Manilow, or a Fanilow®, which is sort of like a DeadHead, or a ParrotHead, or heaven forefend, the average cretin who pays money for one of those Chipmunks movies in 3D---those people are truly insufferable, as is their choice in entertainment. I grew up listening to Lola and Tony’s exploits (on LP, no less…), that inevitably ended in tragedy, because of one jealous man with a fondness for diamonds—no doubt the bloody kind. Not to mention, but I will—he wrote the opening credits song for one of my favorite Colin Higgins movies; and more needless to say, but I will anyway: Mandy---you came and you gave without taking. No lie---I like the Manilow. I am a Fanilow®. But it’s your birthday time…Right now, YOU write the songs; songs that make the whole world sing. You make Manilow look like a bucket of six day old chicken. This is your bucket of chicken. It is fresh. Use it well.

Leo- I don’t know why there’s no rest for the wicked. I’m just going to watch this pot of water till it boils. I won’t be hasty, and consequently, I’ll waste precious little. Likewise, I will sew a stitch in time somehow and consequently, save nine of something. The grass is always greener, but only to changes in depth of field and light refraction due to the presence of swamp gas. If money doesn’t grow on trees, then I guess I need a real job. Two birds in my hand will probably make poop there, and I’d prefer they did that in the bush. Not to mention that I’m pretty sure that even if I had two birds in hand, I don’t think I could snap their little necks; I mean, I’d have to be pretty damn hungry. In the meantime, keep trying to lead that horse to water. He has to drink eventually right? Keep your eyes open and your body will follow.

Virgo- You are like a spherical cow in a vacuum. No, not by mass; but rather akin to an answer to a question that is merely the facsimile, factotum and synecdoche of an implication of a hint confirming only slightly that subatomic matter possesses any reality that bears relevant to your current position in this ursine river of your discontent. But nay, via my spherical cow magic eight ball, I can see a fork coming your way. I could predict if you’ll go left or right, but only if you remain a spherical cow in a vacuum. Not to paralyze your analyze, or jerk your metaphorical chain, but when the fork comes—you will know what to do, for there is only one path, sort of. Don’t worry, just tend to your herd and feed your soul.

Libra- Hofstadter's butterfly, with all its inescapable geometric beauty and high concept mathematical falderal, is no comparison to your butterfly. And if you don’t have one, now is the perfect time to invent your own butterfly sigul, btw, because now is the time in your life when you are supposed to acquire such symbolism, such totemic glyphs are your birthright; you’ve earned them like stripes or medals, or scars both skin deep and psychic. As you walk this path, you become more of who you are. In some societies, you don’t earn your name even, til you have passed certain age related tests, which mold your psyche into new folds, branes, dimensions and strings, creating the new version of you. Pretty straightforward process, really. Find your butterfly, it’s time. 

Scorpio- Let’s talk physics cause I know you can handle it---specifically shear thinning, which is an effect where a fluid's viscosity—the measure of a fluid's resistance to flow—decreases with an increasing rate of shear stress, aka a pseudoplastic. One can observe this effect in such crazy stuff as lava, ketchup, whipped cream, blood, paint, and nail polish. Don’t run out and stick your face in lava, but I do recommend you try to apply this concept to things in your own psyche. There are ideas, beliefs, feelings, id, urges, drives and moral imperatives that move and evolve slowly, changing viscosity, becoming real and unreal, manifesting your reality out of nothing but mere subatomic soup, that in itself is without definition, save what we assign it. There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy, dude. And your viscosity is sublime.

Sagittarius- You and three other signs are the heralds of the solstice and the equinox. Sag, Pisces, Gemini, and Virgo are known as mutable signs. At the end of your cycles, the earth reaches a major turning point in its tilted angle towards the sun. From Sag, Capricorn takes over and the earth starts tilting from its maximum angle, all pendulum-like and starts moving slowly back the other way. Imagine—you were born at a time when the earth was hitting the top of the pendulum swing, its mass reaching a momentary endpoint in a millennia-long wobble, that has eased its way into our seasons, our beliefs, our holidays, our identities. Sag is change---change from one to another, hearkening back to a time of endless seasonal change, and an island of safety in which we can exist, at least for a time. Your energy is potent. Use it wisely.

Capricorn- Hecate got the shaft. And I don’t know who she is to Hecuba or her to Hamlet, but she was the original trinity, way prior to nonsensical monotheism---trying to squish everything into one-ness, into a singularity---especially considering our ‘verse has been spreading wider and stranger ever since bangs of big nature; and that a mere god particle could be the end-all-be-all particle that unifies our theories. Hecate is your watchword for the week. Another, in the long list of women who have had their titles and lands stripped, their prestige and reputation relegated to whores, evil doers and secondary to a male trinity; which is no way to run a railroad---even though the train, the track and newtonian physics may be the scientific equivalent of the monotheistic trinity. Patterns repeat. They mutate as well, but repetition is far more likely. Stay alert and ready for anything.

Aquarius- Ketchup. Or Catsup. Also known as that boring salty almost flavorless symbol of american capitalism at work, actually comes from a chinese word meaning ‘pickled fish brine’. Mmmmmm…fish brine. And this is just the tip of the iceberg lettuce of pseudoplastic trivia I’m about to lay on your burger. 1rstly, let’s talk Fancy Ketchup, which has a higher tomato solid concentration than other USDA grades, aka more tomato for your catsup dollar. 2ndly, ketchup is included in a weird list of non-newtonian fluids, that is to say, it deviates from basic rules of how most fluids move, hence the term pseudoplastic (read for scorpio below). 3rdly, ketchup was secretly instrumental in the botched Bay of Pigs fiasco that cemented the forced impoverishment of an entire island. That, however is a longer story. 4thly, the point is that even the blandest objects have the most fascinating of histories. Don’t discount condiments, and don’t discount your own history, which is replete with details even you never imagined possible.

Pisces- If you fear you’ve gone skitterwise and sideangled, and imagine yourself to be in a lackluster jungle adventure movie with Chuck Norris, Lou Gosset and Jon Rhys Davies, while the truth lies somewhere closer to you parading ‘round your ‘partments in a thrift store bought neophyte “private’s” uniform’, sans pants, polishing off your ninth appletini, and barking orders at non existent simulacrums and ripoff homages to better movies with Duvall and Brando, consider yourself on mandatory RandR. Back in the real world, it’s summer; we still retain relative control of the daylight hours in our hemisphere (the northern one--), doughnuts are plentiful, and your timeline is right on schedule. There remains multitudinous futures for you, relax and move with the current. Jungles become deserts, due to climb and climate.