Dr. Pants McTurd's MORE Than True
Horror-scopes
Disclaimer
: Satire
is not borne of flesh; it is immaculate, innate and endemic, infused and atomized
from the very bottom up, the darkest matter that the ‘verse can engender or the
Collider can reproduce.
Doc P’s Wild
Word of the Week: borne. Not the Jason one, and no, not the Argonaut, and
it’s not quite a divan, but what a strange past participle of a nounverb-- and
then the French had to mess with it.
Aries- Your snowclone has me confuzzled. Let me properly exacerbate my
ideaments for perfect mutual nomenclature. I only blandish, and will not
repeal. The figurementosis regarding our impending purple nurptuals is
defocative of entanglements that I propose we do not emulate, nor implementize.
Sorry for the obtuosity, but the right angled defense merits no look-see, and
bears no relations to the congress, sexual or otherwise of cave dwelling
monotremes and election winning ped- and dema- gogues. Fart clearwise and
straight-on, lest we enfume ourselves with the head cheese of blind eyes, and
sitting when we should be standing, and lying pronewise skyward, when we should
be engaged and enamored, transmogrified and released from this feral life
projection. Snap to it.
Taurus- Collectors are strange folk. Within the realm
of the reasonable and not deal breakers, are the following: coins, wine corks,
comic books, thoughts, baubles, geegaws and items sundry in nature. However, if
you’re Desiderius
Erasmus Roterodamus, 15th
century dutch humanist and wearer of cool hats, you would collect greek and
latin proverbs---the epitome of niche markets. Hey-- I kid the nerds, cause I
love ‘em. Heck—part of the tribe, right? Anyhowdy, if it weren’t for him, we
wouldn’t have evidence that the human brain, the collective un- and conscious,
society in its entirety, that’s moving along at a steady plateau’d millennial
pace… And possibly due for a malfunction, a time warp, something mutational and
leap worthy, a wormhole, a systematically ensured accident, fusion powered to
take us to another plateau, one hopefully with a better viewing station than
that glass bottom rip off at the Grand Canyon; so that we can see our
collection from a larger point of view.
Gemini- “I know nothing of your church; at the very
least it contains people who will, I fear, overturn the whole system and drive
the princes into using force to restrain good men and bad alike. The gospel,
the word of God, faith, Christ, and Holy Spirit – these words are always on
their lips; look at their lives and they speak quite another language”---Erasmus
from a letter to Martin Luther at the birth of protestantism. And speaking of
science based solutions to societal conflicts of interests that often devolve
into war, pointless backbiting, needless bloodshed, and time wasting jibber
and/or jabber, keep on your radar the concept of allowing your emotions in a
gentle flow, and choose to react in a differently, possibly one more in line
with your big brain and beautiful lips.
Cancer- My
favorite part of the story that created this idiomatic gem: He that is
without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her, is that Jesus was trying to save a prostitute from being stoned by a
crowd of judgmental jerks, who demand purity from everyone but themselves.
Perhaps he and Mary Magdalene were in love----perhaps because he was the only
man to accept her, for who she really was, and not her profession, her enslavement,
or possibly her only option other than starvation. Everyone is worthy of
compassion because everyone is worthy of compassion. No qualifiers, no entry
fees, no fine print, no born here automatic semantic induction banning all
interlopers because of the insular nature of the group dynamic bullcrap. The
gene pool, like the temperature of the Gulf Stream, is changing minutely,
affecting a large swath of the ecosystem’s building codes in ways for which we
are unprepared. Hence evolution. Ergo compassion for all. Sina qua non, we are
one and we are not.
Leo- In a perfect ‘verse, the native american’s
long term justice for rape, and the theft and destruction of land, liberty and
future, is the tobacco plant. The west brought a plague or two with them, and in
return the west received a fer reals plague---one that’s truly long term and
impossible to eradicate, for demand will never cease. Black Death, smallpox,
HIV, distracted drivers---are small potatoes compared to the sheer velocity of
deaths and disease caused by just one plant. Even heroin doesn’t reach that
level of barbarism, betrayal and murder. The tobacco plant species is trying to
kill us and we’re subsidizing it. Corn, wheat and sugar are also at the
starting gates in the race to kill humans. I don’t blame them—we do grow,
harvest andd eat them. I’m not saying you have to give up rum or corn bread,
I’m just saying to keep a multi faceted eye on your surroundings. Too much of a
good thing can be murder. Beware the plants.
Virgo- Nemo auditur propriam
turpitudinem allegans, aka no one can be
heard to invoke his own turpitude, aka pleading the Fifth, aka look, pal I
didn’t do nuthin’ and you can’t prove nuthin’, and not to mention, nuthin’ to
see here, move along now, please disperse, else my force jabbing water cannons
and chemical fogs will swab your decks and lay you pronewise tits up. How
civilized we be! Luckily, you have nothing to hide and no cause for a
policified response. Every traffic light in your travels will be green, and the
roads empty. You are without turpitude or calumny or greed. It wouldn’t hurt
you to be a little thankful, but you deserve it. And while you do have to keep
your eyes open for the signs, there be nothing but success on the road ahead. Drive
safe, drive fast and put the top down--- you are the wind.
Libra- ‘Take Me Home, Country Road’ by John
Denver, is somehow not the officially sanctioned state approved song in the
state of west virginia. Ironically, the two times I’ve been to Oktoberfest, all
the oomp-oompa bands in all the beer tents play ‘Take Me Home, Country Road’ along
with several thousand sing along bavarians, at least once an hour; or in beer
time, about once every 20 euros. But understandably, the western virginia is
not nearly as caught up in a mainstream media machinations, as is nearby D.C.
or trend-watching Iowa. Maybe they haven’t heard of John Denver because it’s
still only 1962 in the west virginia. Maybe ‘Rocky Mountain High’ is contradictory and mutually exclusive and
unpalatable to the distinctive virginian sense of decorum. Find your song, get
it through your infernal legislative cerebrum, and use it to fight evil. Go
now!
Scorpio- Lappish Hag's Love Potion---
my own version which is laced with some mucuna pruriens, preferably soaked for 30 minutes prior to infusion,
add in a healthy serving of mamajuana, and a candlelit screening of a sexified
horror film, that in itself is aphrodisiacal, because the desired effect is two
(or more) people huddling very close in dirty sexy terror. I’m just guessing at
some of the plans, plot and schemes in that scorpionic brainstem of yours, that
always seem so focused on licking out all juicy forest tidbits and sliding them
wholesale into any and all waiting mouths. Speaking of slippery juices, an
appetizer of oysters is a moral imperative to make way for the potion to work
its magic. Two Lappish Hags coming up! Drink deeply, count to three, and we are
one.
Sagittarius- There are two states in
these here united ones that do not currently have a state sanction official
song. Don’t panic. One is New Jersey, and it’s probably better they don’t. The
other is Virginia, which is embroiled in a battle to ditch the old state song, ‘Carry Me Back to Old Virginny’, which reeks of
colonialism and likely, racist tendencies. And the lyrics, ‘take me home, country road, to the place I
belong, just regular not west virginia, mountain mamma….’, don’t
organically roll off one’s palette. I know for a fact that you have many anthems,
but now is the time to choose one that will become your ballad of triumph for
the next few weeks. Sing it, hum it, whistle it, or bang it out on spoons at
any moment of doubt or bear attacks and it will see you through unharmed and
unbent and un-eaten by a bear.
Capricorn- Go figure, a guy named Pope
was catholic. Back in the days of Alexander Pope, it was illegal in england to
let catholic children be educated, let alone come within 10 miles of london.
And I refute the argument that legislated racism creates brilliance from
adversity, or that genius will always triumph over the ways of tyrannical and
the myopic, but then there’s his beautifully written line: “Matter too soft a lasting mark to bear”.
It’s Taoism in the face of organized gangs that run like pit bosses over the
intellectual freedoms and aspirations of the trodden and the patriotic snakes
that have been diced into triskaidekian
triadic deism, phobic of anything vaguely smelling of non- corporality or
conformity. You and the river are one.
Aquarius- The world is often wrought and fraught with
bromide platitudes and sinfully pointless raconteurs reciting pledges borne of
misguided authority, their typically vapid word vomits always self righteous,
always self important, and like a city built as an aerie, their giant heads
swirl evolution’s gait in a fashion more violent and upheavally oriented than
would the slow vibrations of an aesthetic, a llama, a Lama, or a slow poured
Guinness with a perfect head, whose flavor stays on your moustache after the
beer has begun its journey down the alimentary canal, feeding energy into
blood, and delusions central station way, so as to fuel one’s belief in in vino veritas… the train keeps going,
even though the next stop is imminent. Obtusely speaking, watch your angles and
don’t comment on them, at least for now. Drop the wrought and ditch the
fraught.
Pisces- Buddha seems to me like a
light spanker. Yahweh, more of a smiter. There’s no telling with the likes of
multi armed Shiva what she may do or undo to you; and I’ve no clue where the
rule stands on even writing the word Mohammed.
And if there’s extra penalty for writing Mohammed in italics, who knows?! But I
guess there’s dudes named Mohammed, so I gotta be okay. Same with Jesus--- lots
of dudes named Jesus, and perhaps due to upbringing, the original Jesus seems a
smidge passive aggressive to me. With karma, you jiggle in a gentle spin cycle
in a washer that’s moving at light speed, splitting dark matter like butter
with a hot knife. And even though sometimes the view stinks; we have a front
row seat. Spank me, Buddha, spank my karma.
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