Dr.
Pants McTurd's
MORE
Than True Horror-scopes
(not associated with horror
or scopes of any ilk)
The Doc’s Random Quote of the Week: “Never
attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity, but
don't rule out malice. ---Heinlein
Doc P’s Word of the Week: potvaliancy. I may be tipsy, but I’ll go dragon hunting!
Aries- The way of the world is wyrd. And later that evolved into weird; but
the way of wyrd is a tangled and askew skein. Wyrd is fate, which makes a great
argument for the no free will thing, which is hard wired fer surely, but is not
necessarily a real thing. Sure…’God
doesn’t play dice with the universe’; but did Einstein consider a multiverse
full of dark matter and deep fried twinkies? He probably did, he is Einstein.
Or maybe he did in another universe---another level of reality that we’re not
privy to because of its subatomic
curvyosity®. Wyrd is fate. And because we ‘believe’ it exists, then it must hold truth---or water—yes! It
holds water-- the universal solvent! You are awash in the way of wyrd. It’s a
deep cleanse.
Taurus- So…schools of thought regarding
bear activity, which usually occurs on the outskirts of ‘society’, hopefully not
in cities at large, because you know---bears, for crap’s sake, with a dash of
bipedalism and giant claws; they will eat your whole face. Colbert is dead on,
as usual. Bears are to be feared; but…only proportionally to the number of
bears vs humans in your immediate vicinity. Less bears, less reason to panic.
More bears, buy a shotgun, and bury your trash—and your poop; because they have
the keenest sense of smell in the Kingdom Mammalia; so, dude—pretty impressive,
right? This week, prepare for bears—the literal ones and those in the mind’s
eye.
Gemini- Things you deem to be illicit in nature are
exactly what evolution wants. Or god---but point is, that mutation occurs on a
mathematically provable pace and tempo, according to environment---which of
course is multi-faceted and diverse, due to the nature of a (‘currently’)
expanding universe; at least in theory-- depending on the invariable future
that lies )‘before’( us; not to mention (but I will), the unforeseeable
consequence of ‘free’ will—which at this point I think we can agree is probably
hard wired into the brain via millennia upon millennia of change over time. Change over time. It’s perfect and
mathematical, and it sets us free. How it will alter our evolution and mandate
further mutation and the infiniteness of the ‘creator’? I won’t say. I don’t want to spoil the
unfolding of a great surprise. Know your truth and eat heartily.
Cancer- According
to Wikipedia, Da Vinci is defined as an Italian Renaissance polymath. And hey,
that’s impressive-- POLY freaking MATH. Able to do pretty much anything,
provided the canvas is unlimited, as well as the funding, and despite certain
sexual proclivities that society still has problems with to this very
inexplicable day. Give freedom to those that are gifted because they will
return triple your investment. Even if you don’t personally recognize inherent
genius, perhaps a more rarified version of exceptional genius may shine through
all the muck and/or mire. Against all odds, some people prefer to break barriers
and create their own timeline of their own will and sweat and tear and blood
and toil—simply because there simply is nothing else. There is nothing else, in
this Hemingway Multiverse®. Nothing is also beauty.
Leo- The history of cat photography annotated with
clever sayings is a rich history indeed. For example, Lolcat is a fake bullshit
word for LOL (which is also bullshit) and cat, meaning the picture of the cat
with a funny expression combined with a stupid human contrived saying, the
likes of which I could way improve upon. Idigresspointis, that cat photography
has been nearly rampant since the 1870’s. And while I support the feline
nation, I’m subtly disturbed by the fascination of cats and photography. It borders on the fetishistic side of voyeurism;
and may ultimately be defined as cat porn. My serious advice to you is:
regardless of my uneasiness, make your own cat porn before it’s too late. You
will find it hilarious.
Virgo- What do Pope Innocent III, 13th century
Joachimites, Martin Luther of 95 Theses fame, and Christopher ‘rape the
natives’ Columbus have in common? They all believed in a specific day on which
the world would end. DOOMSDAY. Even smart guy Jacob Bernoulli thought there was
a coming apocalypse, and don’t get me started on Pat Robertson’s beliefs-- what
a schmuck. Here’s the thing: there’s not a day of any kind of reckoning, at
least, I don’t think so; but maybe. There are tons of asteroids out there, and
we’re trying like hell to turn this planet into a sauna. I ponder--, hard wired
into our brains is a desire for the world to end, so that we can all have
peace, so that we can all rest easy; because the world is pain---lots of pain,
mucho dolor. Maybe this is hell, and when we die, it’s heaven; and we just have
it backwards. Point is, I have no idea. Your take-away from this rambling
nonsense should be to live each day to the fullest; because as Tennessee said
via Lord Byron: ‘One must make voyages,
attempt them!---there is nothing else.’ Get on board.
Libra- There is a fireball of luck inside of you and
it’s bursting like in that first Alien movie, hopefully not out of your
abdomen, but somewhere softer and more poignant, even if a little messy. It’s
almost a sun, all nuclear furnace-like and fusion-rific—very trig, very trig
indeed; not to mention, replete with Hostess goodies like the indomitable
Twinkie, and the not-available-across-the-Mississippi-in-the-70’s
Chocodiles—which was a real pisser to me, as I had fanicied them and developed
a taste for, in my formative years in Le Saint Louis du Mis’ry. I’ve
digressed---the fireball of luck—wield it wisely.
Scorpio- You need to let go of your transitional
object. It’s weighing you down, and is merely a placebo that comforts the
estranged and fearful mind parts. I’m not calling you a Linus and laughing at
your blankie, but I suspect there is an object, a thing, or an idea that is
being used as a transcendent for your psyche—some thing to transport the
fearful part of the brain to the future, to the never scary now, where all
mysteries are illumined and everybody gets a pizza pie and a smile from the
manager. It could even be an outmoded way of thinking, or it could even be a
term of art, totally froo-froo and laced in silk and confectionary neurons.
Grab on to a new object, one that defines you in the now.
Sagittarius- I suppose happiness could be a warm blanket,
but I bet it’s something more ethereal, and hard to define. But then, I grew up
in an angry era—post nasty ill conceived televised war, economic recession, and
then surprising abundance through government spending, all under a republican
regime, led by an ex-actor and union member for irony’s sake. Overlords and
tyrants were everywhere, and the America of my youth was very mistrustful and
afraid—of pretty much everything. Not like today, where everything is
different, and the structure of society is---- Wait…nothing’s really changed?
It’s just that now we all have iPhones?? WTF? Maybe we only perceive societal
change at a slow tempo, because if it moved as fast as we want it to, all the
infrastructure, both literal and psychological, would be too precarious a perch
from which to stand, and terror at every angle. The less things change, the
more they stay the same, which is beneficial to the human psyche and the
overall health of a democratic society. Ponder that shit, and get back to me.
Capricorn- Bruce Wayne and Scarlet Pimpernel—same deal.
Stock characters that repeat over and over again in our shared history. The
hero with a dark passenger, the big guy looking out for the little guy, as well
as the infirm and betrayed. But I’m just a 20/21rst century pussy who gets
panicked and asthmatic if the mail doesn’t arrive at the usual time. You,
HOWEVER, are a man/woman/new species of internecine humans that exists in a
rare continuum that envelopes and develops all existing technology into a new
matrix of depraved deformity and erotic intangibles. Your sundries are beyond
belief, compare and suspicion. You’re a Dexter and a Mozart. Just don’t get
carried away. While maintaining this facile façade and intrinsic belief that
you are a kind of justice for all do-gooders, bear in mind, that it’s just your
insatiable ego mandating draconian measures and damoclean swordplay to justify
its own sense of self importance. Bottom line: free your people, whoever they are. It’s your only hope.
Aquarius- A certain percentage of all humans will
always be destined to walk the earth.
Like in Kung Fu, just maintaining the justice and civility that all man-apes desire.
And Einstein was a Pisces. But Galileo was an Aquarius. So was Paul Newman and
Abraham ‘greatest prez ever’ Lincoln. There’s an angle somewhere there that
usually eludes us. It’s something to do with the induction and emittance of
emotion into what is ostensibly a closed system of logic and blind faith. You
want to build something eternal and instructive? Build in the mountains. The
low lying sea world will be inundated with weather and invaders of all ilk and
specie. The mountains. Buddha and Tibet. Repositories of knowledge that are
geographically perfect. Like Fate. Like magic. Find your mountain range and
build.
Pisces- Pisces usually get the brunt of it, usually
with the full force of the world and gravitational and tectonic forces beyond
any rational control. But...what do you expect? You’re the oldest water sign
and the transition of the zodiac into the next sign Aries, which has
flame-arific issues of its own to deal with. You’re an axis-- a hinge; a
gravitational limit of what is possible, even in the macro sense, down to the
smallest photon or photograph/jpeg. You are an unbreakable bridge spanning
decades and travesties of travails and trials. Anything the ‘verse can dish
out, you can handle. You’re Psyche on steroids. Travel, and travail! Dance the
macabre. Eat of the fruit of tree knowledge. But leave some breadcrumbs. The
trail is long and serpentine. And your brunt is heavy, so maybe consider
dropping it.
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