Dr.
Pants McTurd's
MORE
Than True Horror-scopes
(not associated with horror
or scopes of any ilk)
disclaimer: Satire is BS---big and super.
this week: “My
insides are privy only to me, and via a megaphone of unpredictable efficiency,
available to you in a very limited fashion.”
---D. Pants circa 2012.
Doc P’s Word of the Week: erinaceous. Burrow deep and seek the hedgehog of truth—it knows you
and will never lie; and yet—be cautious in your questioning. He is conniving
and queery and knows every misdeed and sin that you’ve visited upon your own
soul. Also, he loves cheese filled
pastries.
Aries- St. Oran of Iona was willingly
buried alive. They had some construction difficulties in building the chapel, which,
in 548 BCE is pretty understandable, what with Home Depot over 1500 years away.
A ‘voice’ told him the chapel couldn’t be constructed until there was a living
man interred below. Yes, yes... sound logic. Anyhoo, they entombed him, and while
he in there, he discovered through a vision that there was no heaven or hell to
look forward to; there was nothing. He told this to the other priests and
builders after he poked his head through a rock wall, still not dead and several
days later. So…they buried him again. Point is that life is short enough.
There’s no point to burying yourself under a mountain of crap. Burst through
the rock wall with more than just your head. Tell us, Lazarus of what you have
seen and let’s grab a pizza pie.
Taurus- How many centuries do you think it took for
man to figure out that if you cook rock at very high heat, you can extract and
assay the minerals within? Years to perfect for sure, but just the idea of
cooking rocks must have taken centuries. Or…it took years of
pre-thinking—scouring the earth and utilizing anything that might be a helpful
tool to ensure survival—and then in a flash of brilliance, some tribe, some
shaman, some nutball thought, hey let’s cook some rocks and see what happens.
And then centuries again to distribute that knowledge along trade routes, and
organized culture that also took centuries to develop. But it’s that one moment
of discovery---even if it happens in different cultures at the same time by
different nutballs, it’s a flash of neurons that takes A and makes B. Further,
I posit: Who can take a rainbow, wrap it in a sigh / Soak it in the sun and make
a groovy lemon pie? Life is candy, baby…
Gemini- Ok--
semantics, re time: the difference between the words aboriginal and indigenous
is a personal bone of contention between myself and my sometimes literate
friends who persist in arguing moot points. There’s one in every crowd—who will
deny a valid state of logic because they confuse connotation with denotation.
To denote is to define. To connote is to imply---distinctions that may be
culturally based, or even geographical, for which there is a direct and obvious
correlate—and I’m detonating here:
Disagreement based on terminology is unimportant compared to the larger
picture. A temple is a church is a place of worship is a meeting hall is a
gathering place is a moment in time where individuality combines with
“communistic” thought, and adheres to the indisputable laws of the math of
evolution. Don’t quibble about that which you simply wish to argue the advocate
of the devil. Denotation is provable science, and humans are the same everywhere,
regardless of language and…semantics.
Cancer- Currently in the US, there is
a distinct lack of acceptability of blood levels in mass produced meat foods. What
happened to our love affair with blood? When George Washington was on his
deathbed, he was bled- routinely in fact throughout his life. Blood is our
lifeblood: blood sacrifice, bloodletting, bloodbaths, blood-a-palooza---Amazing
isn’t? In a fraction of a second, we hold breath in our lungs and, this
substance zips by, grabs oxygen and transports it to all parts of the body,
feeding it and making it strong. But it seems like we’ve become Dexter—remove
all traces, so that what is left is pure meat, drained completely of it’s life
giving essence. The onset of the Age of Aquarius doesn’t have to be about
removing all emotion from daily life. But it is a good step after millennia of
bloodbaths and needless killing. Promote lifeblood, promote peace—a logical and
sound peace for the good of all. It’s your ‘destiny’
Leo- The thrust of astrology, I’m supposing, is a
reflection of our development as a self-aware species, able to “navigate” its
own “destiny”. We created astrology, assigning value to the heavens, not out of
truth, but out of our own reflection. There is no “truth” out there. There is
only (ironically and grammatically awkward…) ourselves. So screw it if your
moon is in aries, or your Jupiter is in blah-de-blah. Consider the source. And
consider that Gaia is an evolving matrix, and you—an individual, free will and
all, are just trying to make sense of it, as is your wont and fate---again,
semantics are no way to speak of the not-yet-knowable. Point-is, as Allah
allegedly proclaimed: “god’ ‘loves’ infinite diversity”. Sew together the
patterns of your will and heaven is yours.
Virgo- Edward Hyde, 3rd Earl of
Clarendon, governor of new york and new jersey 1701-1708, was one hell of a
cross dresser. Purportedly, he would dress up, hide behind trees, and pounce on
unsuspecting passersby’s and then laugh at them. He is reported to have opened
the 1702 New York Assembly clad in a hooped gown and an elaborate headdress and
carrying a fan, imitative of Queen Anne. When his choice of clothing was
questioned, he replied, "You are all
very stupid people not to see the propriety of it all. In this place and
occasion, I represent a woman (the Queen), and in all respects I ought to
represent her as faithfully as I can." It is also said that in 1707,
when his wife died, His High Mightiness (as he preferred to be called) attended
the funeral dressed as a woman. He also took bribes, was intolerably corrupt,
and died in debt. Cautionary tale? Maybe. You decide. Crossdress if you must,
but beware the social consequences. If your secret is too heavy to hold in your
hand, the give it to the world and let them sort it out.
Libra- Not to harp on this on-going thesis I have
regarding humans vs. plants in a never ending battle to control the earth, but
think about this shit: plants make oxygen—which we need to breathe, hence to
live. They’ve got us by the cajones, man! No matter our level of agricultural
contrivances, plants give us oxygen, hence life. They’re unstoppable in the
long run. We create carbon dioxide as a result of our penchant for energy, sans
the inevitable byproduct of heat and CO2, and the plants laughing at us, even
as we cut down one rainforest at a time. We will have to become very adaptive
indeed to overcome the plants’ durability. And yet…maybe that’s the process…as
a species we move through timespace and advantage ourselves of whatever
resources are available-- supply and demand-- easey-peasey-lemon-squeezey. But
what’s underneath our feet may undermine us in the long run should we continue
to trample thusly. Watch your tracks as well as your future.
Scorpio- I already know that you’re a Hylozoist, but
let’s chat. Hylozoism, as you probably know, at least subconsciously, is the
belief that all matter in the universe, which I assume includes the dark meat
variety, is alive; or at least has the capacity to spontaneously generate it.
Now, before you get on your high horse and argue about the definition of
life—let’s just go with carbon and silicon and arsenic based for now. Could the
universe be one big pulsating amoeba, with the most intricate of workings? And
thereby, making us a working part inside that organism---like the earth, Gaia,
or Mother—is a chromosome buried somewhere deep inside Big Mamma Universe
Amoeba, or BMUA®…which sure sounds like Gaia—one machine, with countless moving
parts. Of which, we are two. And you are also one. You old Hylozoist, you.
PS, read Cancer—it’s right up your
veins.
Sagittarius- Homo sapiens began in Africa, and it makes
logical sense that they moved north through the Sinai, and then in all
directions, since travel by boat was several millennia away. And in my humble
futuristic opinion, there is a correlation between this relatively small
isthmus of travel through the “middle east”, to the violence and social instability
that we see in the region today, despite the best efforts of now long gone
european powers that once existed with the supreme mandate: to rule the entire
earth and all its people and resources. It’s the Grand Central Station of all
of humanity’s egress from the Motherland, Africa. Our birth led us on different
paths, dictated by geography and climate…one peninsula that acts as a hinge of
power—and luckily sitting on oil…and the crossroads of humanity. Pointis, you
are here, just like on mall maps. Where next?
Capricorn- The ‘spice of life’ makes me think of
anthropology and humanity and geography. And yes, this is another installment
of ‘how the Pants thinks that plants are trying to take over the world—always
have, always will, and we must stop them, or at least cultivate the ones we
like and kill everything else. But before sciencey times, when accumulated
knowledge had enough time to simmer, spices, aka plants…were the progenotor of
our development as a species. The Spice Trade (which has been around longer
than any industry on earth), spearheaded humanity’s evolutionary path with the
likes of cinnamon, ginger, musk and ambergris. The pursuit of which, drove
humanity to favor certain plants. Who are the masters and who is the would-be
usurper? Watch your ass, I’m just sayin’It looks nice and people want it.
Aquarius- We’re well on our way to figuring out, to
some ridiculously small detail, how the universe is actually and literally put
together. We should probably get going on a space based super collider, which
would in even more absurd detail show us the very latticework on which reality
is built. Hopefully it’s not a house of cards that a curious species with a
super collider could destroy themselves with, along with countless layers of
the multiverse, pissing off ‘god’ in a big way. Pointis, if you read the XXXX
horoscope, my new theory is that our universe is a small part in an even bigger
and grander machine that grows eternally and has always existed. And always
will—will being the key and watch word. Keep in mind, the multiverse is
infinite, and we’re only beginning to get an inkling of a clue. Breathe deep. And
read Gemini.
Pisces- You have an overabundance of hither AND
thither happening right now. A deluge of higgledy, and a preponderance of
piggeldy are also weighing you down. And yet—there’s a severe dearth of hokey
pokey and/or a dearth of hocus pocus. But in terms of flotsam AND jetsam—you
have a plethora of multitudes—lots of shipwreck and jettisoned ballast,
polluting the waters of your oceanic piscean mind. Your beaches—the air induced
meeting of land and sea, have been slicked oily by unfair merchants and
businessmen and privateers with neither care nor interest for the sanctity of
earth-- of Gaia the Mother—giver of life and creator of souls, as well as sci-fi
and futurism, and soft serve ice cream from Top Cone in Rockford, Ill. Beauty
ill defined is still beauty—and ugly is an illusion, an evolutionary choice.
Evolve and stop judging.
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