Dr.
Pants McTurd's
MORE
Than True Horror-scopes
(not associated with horror
or scopes of any ilk)
Doc
P’s Random Quote of the Week: “With reasonable men, I will reason; with humane men I will
plead; but to tyrants I will give no quarter, nor waste arguments where they
will certainly be lost. ~ William Lloyd Garrison ~
Doc P’s Word of the Week: ephemera. Look it up quick! It won’t last.
Aries- Routine is the word of the day, and week and
month, and etc. Strap yourself in to this latticework of thought: every day the
sun rises, times passes and situations progress and elapse—every frakking day; weird--almost like clockwork, or a
mathematical something. Momentary lapses of reason are to be expected, the math
necessitates it---eclipses and momentary alignment of forces will hold
meaning—depending on where you’re standing; hence perspective defines meaning!
And it’s the repetitive motions of consciousness and behavior that give meaning
to what is ostensibly an indeterminate ether. Before you say that I’ve over
thought whatever this is, let me point out that that’s my job. Your job is
something else entirely. Your life’s work is only just beginning, so strap in
and put on your thinking cap. The road may get bumpy—but repetitively so.
Taurus- You are a twisted angel, whose will is bent
towards good and light and pleasant dreams; but whose inner demon is naughty
and titillating and sweet like a 100 year old scotch. And somehow you ride the
lightning, adeptly skiing the gentle curve and slope that exists between
realities, a buffer between dimensions, where the newtonian rules and
einsteinial paradoxes break down--and any
thing is possible. And now, you find yourself in this body, burdened by its
rules and arbitrary societal norms and regulators of acceptable human
behavior—you are the id reaching up through the surface of a lake, holding
aloft a sword of wonderment, not as a present for a king, but as a symbol and
exercise of your true power—control of the beast within you, within us all. You
are a tower of strength and a pillar that Atlas would envy. (read Scorpio)
Gemini- The Movimento Autonomo per la Liberazione delle
Anime da Giardino is Italian that translates roughly to: the Garden Gnome
Liberation Front. For reals.
They believe garden gnomery is slavery.
See, the gnome is the modern day leftover of the greco-roman god Priapus.
Anyhoo, gnomes actually tend to the garden at night, and apparently that’s just
plain wrong. So these folks kidnap gnomes from their slave masters, and return
them to the wild. Yes, brilliant, I know, but can these inanimate garden gnomes
protect and feed themselves out there? You can’t release a domesticated dog
into the wild; it won’t know how to survive. And I’m not one to espouse slavery
of any kind, but we must fight the so-called Liberators! While they may reek of
the stench of moral righteousness, they are actually endangering the gnomes
they claim to be saving. And it’s a war of attrition: the Chinese will keep
manufacturing more garden gnomes than the world has ever known, until these
bastard “liberators” are just too exhausted to go on—or until the entire wild
is so filled with gnomes that all the regular wildlife has to move into
government sponsored housing somewhere on the lower east side. Control your
gnomes—and save your planet—save yourself. (read scorpio and taurus)
Cancer- You
are beagle nosed and eagle eyed, not to mention riled and wild and never tired.
You are the leader of the newly minted Shotgun Bear Army®; trained by a master
in leg sweeping, twisting the pig, and decrying righteously the foully unjust,
the cretinous and the cruel, the takers and the never-givers—people who play
politic with my principles---OUR principles, which are supposed to maintain a
healthy appetite for the bounty of life, the blessings of existence and the
plaudits of self examination and catharsis; psychological evolution that leads
to the next level, the next incarnation of a soul’s journey through weird fibroid
strings dancing amongst mysteriously dark matter. You are prepared for
anything, I assure you. Fear no thing.
Leo- The ‘false me’ can’t survive. What if…who we
think we are is just a projection of our soul, our mind,
our—-something-ness—and the next level isn’t heaven---or rather, that heaven is
a primordial representation of our true nature—and now we must create a new
Mayan calendar that begins with the end of the current one. Not the end of the
world in such a contrived literal fashion, but a transition into a new mindset,
to which even the mathematically brilliant Mayans said, hey man, let’s stop the
math here, man—because what comes next is upper level shit. Even the Mayans got
stumped. This date is the edge of a change, yes—but one of great consequence in
terms of our identity. And…identity is all we are---for the time being. Trust
in who you are. Be what you’re like, and be like yourself. The flow is safe and
easygoing, ride it like you’re floating with no effort.
Virgo- Denny’s Paradox has nothing to do with Moons
Over My Hammy, nor anything to do with staying up all night as a teenager
ingesting overly salty food, that down the road will lead to hypertension and
hot bloated feet. It has to do with animal locomotion on a liquid surface.
Enter the water strider; those weird leggy bugs that can scoot their little bug
butts across the surface of a pond—yep, it’s a jesus bug. But because of silly
garbage like the laws of physics, the water strider shouldn’t be able to do it.
But physics is for wussies that don’t believe in stuff that seems impossible.
The multiverse is malleable, I assure you. Whether you’re an adept or just a
bumbling fool, I cannot say, not to your face anyway. My advice after the
jumble you just passed your eyes over: Go to Denny’s, order something greasy,
which shouldn’t be a challenge, and contemplate the possibilities of a
malleable continuum, one you can change at will…with some practice and
fortitude.
Libra- The world gets weirder every day. Stuck in my
screen door, like countless other flyers and ads that often meet with a trashy
end, was a business card that said ‘Desi
Alvarez---Flyer Distributer’. Firstly, cool name—Desi. Secondish, at first
glance, this seems very entrepreneurial—maybe he’s the best there’s ever been.
Maybe he’s the son of the son of the son of the guy who invented
leafletteering®. Although… Thomas Paine was a professional loudmouth self
publisher too, so….better to have ink on your hands than blood, I suppose.
Anyhoo, thirdmost, what an odd world it is where capitalism and competition and
a relatively open marketplace can create a need for a new breed of professional
pamphleteers. And fourth estatishly, the card also says ‘100% guaranteed—rain or shine. I’m not suggesting you start leaving
your flyers everywhere, but it is time to step up your game. It’s sunny and
warm, and the stars and screen doors are aligned.
Scorpio- I hope that you are timeless and eternal and
everlasting. I could not bare it if you were of the ephemeral and transitory
and evanescent ilk, lasting only minutes or days like the mayfly; here to spawn
one minute, and the next covering my car and roadways for a couple weeks
straight in May or June back in Minnesota. But you are so beautiful… your lithe
form disappears in the mists of my imagination about you. You excite my
delirium into a state of non-solid, non-liquid, non-gaseousness—you turn those
around you to plasma, or the nuclear furnace of a sun. Fusion! Yes, that’s the
word I was searching for you today—Fusion!—an inception of energy from the
building blocks of the ‘verse. To know you, is to orbit you—a friendly passerby
interested in your space junk. (read taurus)
Sagittarius- From nothingness, to zero, to one, to
two, to multiples and multiples of crazy number based matrices that make no
literal sense; and to boot, are ad infinauseum®. Bases of ten, and the concept
of zero which even the Romans didn’t have—why, the power and corrigible of
authority of nothingness lies in our wills…to turn a possibly Baconian phrase.
But even if the matter is dark, there is always some thing. Every quantum inch
of this weird multiverse has something going on at all “times”. There is no
zero—except in math. And while I’m not here to tell you that you’re not math,
or that you can’t be described in those terms; no, rather, I’m here to tell you
that if you can imagine nothing, then everything else is a fucking cakewalk.
Googolplex.
Capricorn- Vodka is analogous to a potato’s blood. Or so
I’m going to sit here and posit, so don’t turn your proverbial nose up at a
metaphor involving tuber blood---it’s actually quite sanguineous! You should
drink it whenever you get a cut or a “boo-boo” and it will probably make you
heal super fast. Blood for blood. Rum, however, will bloat your innards,
genitalia, and appetite for bat meat—which I’ve meaning to bring up as
definitely not safe for human consumption. Sake combined with beer on the other
paw, will induce elite feets and syncopated beats, bound and determined to fill
your donuts with bacon, your brownies with liquid thc, and your psychological
sack with as many blissful orgasms as the universe has stars. But bourbon is
where you need to stick the landing. Bourbon, named for kings, is the elevator
to the stars and beyond. Bourbon is the blood of the holy. But if you abstain,
don’t fret—the metaphor is only in its early stages.
Aquarius- The relationship between Aquarii and their
emotions is a tricky sloppily taut tightrope that we insist on crossing
cautiously. Having emotions is part of the deal in these here bodies, all hard
wired in; but not always the greatest idea for planning your day or your
actions. Emotions are often rash and founded upon ancient evolutionary gut
reactions; probably due to a world that believe it or not, was much more
dangerous than today’s war torn deathscape. Fear has an evolutionary purpose,
but we’re aware enough to know that feelings are sometimes based on pure
illogic. We Aquarii are blessed and cursed with something else that’s hard
wired-- the ability to pluck logic and knowledge right out of thin air. What we
don’t know is only what we haven’t had time to ponder yet. Our brains are a
fascinating survival skill. Thought and preponderance before bloodletting and
strife and cutting remarks meant only to belittle. Brilliance embodied.
Pisces- If you don’t believe that I can connect the
great and tyrannical King Nimrod the Evil
to Bugs Bunny, then you better hold
on to your panties. Allegedly, Nimrod was a very powerful man, who slipped over
the border into despotism, but hey—who’s perfect? And hey, sometimes we all
think we’re more powerful than god, and we all require an Abraham to come knock
us down a peg. Nimrod was also known as a mighty hunter. I figure most tyrants
make good hunters, what with the need to smite and all. Which brings me not to Bugs yet, but to Elmer Fudd, the worst hunter probably ever. Bugs calling him a
nimrod ushers the 20th century into an updated definition for an
ancient word; while simultaneously bringing the great king nimrod down to the
lowest level of stupidity in payment for his sins. Mock the evil and we win,
it’s how we rise above the bad shit that inevitably goes down. Find your Bugs,
and mock the evil.
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