DR. PANTS MCTURD'S
MORE THAN TRUE HORRORSCOPES
(Not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)
Taurus-This week your life will resemble the 80's tv show Moonlighting. Your theme song will be sung by Al Jarreau, and it will be sexy. You will be known amongst your friends as the first successful dramedy, and you will break the fourth wall, and possibly engender a fifth one. Your lover will be feisty and incorrigible and irresistible and hard to pin down. Your love scenes will be done standing up to avoid injury and pregnancy. You will spontaneously spawn limbo contests while at work. And you will solve crimes. This is your Blue Moon...
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Gemini-Loose Cannons is not a good film. But I love the concept. Gene Hackman-a 'hard nosed' cop teams up with a multiple personality disordered Dan Ackroyd to solve a major crime involving a secret Hitler sex tape. It was the 80's--Hitler was still relevant. Not that he isn't now, I'm just saying--solid mediocre movie and probably dated, but still awesome. This week, you will experience this movie in your day to day life. Dom DeLouise may even show up. However, unlike the film which did a big poo poo at the box office, your tale of mismatched cop buddy weirdness will be riotously received and richly rewarded. Strap in and don't fear the straight jacket.
To honor your action hero status, please give generously: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lashield/la-shield-lost-vegas
Cancer-Lethal Weapon--best Xmas movie ever--is your theme movie for the week. Gary Busey may show up, so be prepared. But don't fret, Clapton will be writing your theme music. You will also have alternate beginnings and endings that only you will get to see. You are not too old for this shit, and don't even think about retiring because this week, you will overcome past tragedy and find a family you can stand to hang out with. You will also find a perfect stretch of beach for your trailer of solitude. Get ready for your new partner in justice.
To honor your action hero status, please give generously: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lashield/la-shield-lost-vegas
Leo-This week your life will be like John McClane's in Die Hard---one of the best Xmas movies ever made...It might not be Nakatomi Plaza, but it will be full of derring do and barefoot machine gunning and bearer bond stealing. You will succeed brilliantly because of your never say die spirit. You will befuddle and confuse all your enemies with your fast thinking and Beethoven based soundtrack. You'll save the one you love, and make friends with an overweight cop and thwart the ever dickish William Atherton. Yipee ki-yay, mother russia.
To honor your action hero status, please give generously: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lashield/la-shield-lost-vegas
Virgo-Miami Vice. Not the bullshit movie with big dicked Ferrel, but rather the 80's awesomeness of the Crockett and the Tubbs. And this week I predict you will be solving crimes, driving speedboats named after strange diseases, wearing awesome pastel clothes, and having emotional shootouts that will make you the hero with a cool tan. You will not be able to get Glen Frey and Phil Collins songs out of your head. Cuban food and drug deals. Fast cars and hot babes. Justice and a slew of guest stars, that will include Sheena Easton and Bruce Willis. Drive fast, for the bad guys have speedboats too.
To honor your action hero status, please give generously: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lashield/la-shield-lost-vegas
Libra-Running Scared---not the bs name stealer from 2006, but rather the awesome buddy cop movie from 1986, starring Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines---is your theme movie of the week. There will be humor and drama and Joey Pants all over the place. Jimmy Smits will also stop by. By the end of next week, you will regain a lost love, ride a motorcycle on the railroad tracks, catch the bad guys, and buy a bar in Key West. You will also discover the healing power of sunsets and Michael McDonald.
To honor your action hero status, please give generously: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lashield/la-shield-lost-vegas
Scorpio-Remington Steele is your theme show for the week. A shady past that included underworld crime and Irish boxing will collide with hot and smart Stephanie Zimbalist as well as the likes of Doris Roberts. You are the person of mystery in everyones' lives this week, and you look great in a suit, and if you play your cards right you'll actually get to play James Bond, regardless of NBC and Timothy Dalton. You'll be clever, witty, urbane and dashing. You knowledge of film noir will astound even Ebert. Try this for a deep dark secret...To honor your action hero status, please give generously: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lashield/la-shield-lost-vegas
Sagittarius-This week, your life will resemble an episode of the A-Team. You will embody BA Baracas, Face, the Colonel and Murdock all rolled up into a burrito of on the run deliciousness. Bad guys will pay, those taken advantage of will see recompense, and you will be driving a really cool van. And you will elude, frustrate and piss off anyone who wrongly convicted you in the past. There will also be many needless explosions. Be ready to be a hero. Your plan is about to come together.
To honor your action hero status, please give generously: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lashield/la-shield-lost-vegas
Capricorn-This week your life will resemble Lethal Weapon 2. Your past suicidal tendencies will be reversed and you will find a family that you can hang with. You will also save Danny Glover from a toilet bomb. And those racist South Africans will lose all their ill gotten cash, and get their diplomatic immunities revoked. Best of all you will not be fucked at the drive thru. I do not recommend you try to pop your shoulder or any other body parts out of sockets, but you will pull an amazing escape from an impossible situation. You are not too old for this shit.
To honor your action hero status, please give generously: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lashield/la-shield-lost-vegas
Aquarius-Point Break has so much to offer. It's also the thematic film for you for the up coming week. The FBI will pay you to learn how to surf. Gary Busey will take you to the best meatball sandwich place in LA. You may aggravate an old knee injury from your past athletic days, and you will find something you didn't think was possible-Buddhistic enlightenment in the pursuit of sport and justice. Be ready to jump out of a plane for love. The net will appear in the form of the late great Swayze. Bell's Beach is straight ahead. Surf's up. You are an FBI agent!! Whoa...
To honor your action hero status, please give generously: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lashield/la-shield-lost-vegas
Pisces-You are Magnum. Thomas Magnum. Of the Hawaiian Magnums. You've been thru hell, and made a life for yourself; which involves a friend with a helicopter, a buddy named Rick who owns a night club, and a rich benefactor who is probably masquerading as someone much more powerful, even though he has a twin brother with a Texas accent who likes rodeo. You will be driving a Ferrari, so pull from your closet your best Hawaiian shirt and Detroit Tigers baseball hat. And best of all, Orson Welles will be the voice of god/Robin Masters to coagulate your awesomeness. The power of the mucho macho 'stache is yours to wield.
To honor your action hero status, please give generously: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lashield/la-shield-lost-vegas
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