Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

                                         DR. PANTS MCTURD'S

                          MORE THAN TRUE HORRORSCOPES

                     (Not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Aries--Le Jongleur de Notre Dame is story from 1892 about a juggler turned monk, who had no gift for the statue of the virgin mary, so he juggled for her. The other monks were jerks and accused the juggler of blasphemy. But then, the statue came to life and blessed the monks, leaving all the other monks with holy ova all over their faces. Here's your to-do list: get some balls and learn to juggle; then find someone you want to impress, and then blow their doors off. You are the jongleur de los angeles and you will be rewarded for your truth.

Taurus--One day the island of Loihi will rise above the sea. The newest Hawaiian island is still 10,000 years away, but I bet it will be really neat. How often do you get to see an island being born? I mean, I've only seen two, and one of those was probably closer to an isthmus. And then maybe another 100,000 years, and we'll be able to invade it and capture its soul and use it as a landfill. Point is, your underwater island will not take nearly as long. Magma trickles out of the subconscious into new islands all the time. Think of a good name, and build a house there, and start a community garden. The new jungle is yours.

Gemini--Check this shite: YOU are my power animal. I was going to use the tube lipped nectar bat, whose tongue is 150% the size of its own body length. I also considered the bonobo because of their high sexual drives and because they invented french kissing. I also considered the kumquat--for personal reasons. And then I realized that you have more power than any animal on earth. It's in your mind and heart and bones and chakras. You are buzzing with light and gravitons and Bose-Einstein condensates. You scintillate my nads. Wield your power wisely, you crazed sexual beast.

Cancer--The ground you sometimes stand on has been underground, subducted, covered by water, and moved tectonically around and around the earth age after age until the mind numbing spin of the globe brings us to the next glass of bourbon and slice of cosmic cake. And as long as you avoid fault lines and creepy sinky sand, this land is permanent from the point of view of your feet. Things are changing subtly and from behind your eyes. Fear no thing.

Leo--Trial AND error. Tricks OR treats. Nature VS nurture. They all go together like an open faced peanut butter sandwich that hits the kitchen floor. One is never without the other. No cracker without jack, no capitalism with cheap slave-ish labor, no  law without enforcement, no love without sacrifice...And yet there's buttloads of questions without answer---or at least ones I'd be willing to accept. The iniquities of life are a real pain in the duodenum. I say, have a steak and some ice cream, and recharge.

Virgo--You are currently over flowing with zugzwang, which means a compulsion to move. Stagnation has seemed insurmountable and your options have appeared limited to either the unworthy, or relegated to victories merely pyrrhic in nature. Your psyche is about to get a lesson in mixology and chaos theory. But don't sweat the glockenspiel that's about to go off inside you. Action, movement, change amidst the natural course of events are about to converge with your anima. On your marks...

Libra--There are four types of Zud--black, white, cold and iron. I don't know which one you've been experiencing, but one should keep in mind when making future calculations that whatever zud you've been mired in, will change; as well as the unchangeable changiness is inevitable and ever swaying between poles of different orbits and tidal forces that follow patterns of cosmic time scales. A zud, btw is a way to describe winter in Mongolia. Your Mongolian winter is about to thaw into a Mediterranean spring. No more zud. 

Scorpio--One day when we reach the surface of an alien planet, I know exactly why you'll be desperately needed. You are intimate with landscapes, and able to find desirable perches amongst rocky crags, herbs that heal the mind as opposed to berries that cramp the bowels. I can think of nothing more interesting for you than to explore a wild that has yet to be seen by human eyes--shaman or otherwise. To be the first seer in space. On the frontier so you can assess and make friends with all you find. Your first love is what's around you. Spread your winged mind expansively.

Capricorn--You will never see the seiche coming. Unless you're in space and have a really expensive camera. A seiche is a wave, but it's a wave that never breaks the surface of the water. Everything is always moving is my point. Even earth signs; which may be a misnomer. You're a goat, built for life at high altitudes and rocky perches. But there are waves of energy of different ilks moving in and around and through us---like the tide---influenced by motion of something perhaps light years away. You are not the goat, but a butterfly making for a future stormy time in far way lands. 

Aquarius--Recently a friend coined a phrase that describes the Aquarian mind perfectly. We are sexual intellectuals. We are highly charged and sensitive beasts of the southern wild; attuned to our environs like antennas of the future, not made of metal, but of light and directionally attuned intention. Our feet aren't even on the path, but rather we are skyclad, our feet walking 'mongst clouds, creating new neuronal connections out of thin timespace. We are beasts in the bed and in the boudoir of our minds. Look the fuck out, and happy birthday, you sexy brainiac.

Pisces--There are four types of Zud--black, white, cold and iron. I don't know which one you've been experiencing, but one should keep in mind when making future calculations that whatever zud you've been mired in, will change; as well as the unchangeable changiness is inevitable and ever swaying between poles of different orbits and tidal forces that follow patterns of cosmic time scales. A zud, btw is a way to describe winter in Mongolia. Your Mongolian winter is about to thaw into a Mediterranean spring. No more zud.