Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

                         Dr. Pants McTurd's

                MORE Than True Horror-scopes

                                          

   (not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

Aries-  A spud gun and pumpkin chucking are inseparable from America; and since another Civil War seems unlikely, barring a zombie apocalypse or a mucho gigante meteor strike outta nowhere, these institutions are integral to our identity. FYI, spud guns are exactly what you’re picturing, and pumpkin chucking is a catapulting pumpkins trebuchet style, preferably into enemy camp. People spend time on this crap. And by crap, I mean frivolity, first world problem kinda crap. However, posit this crap: figuring out different ways to projectile stuff—is unavoidable human behavior. It means we’re thinking of new ways to do stuff, possibly necessary for survival. This message is not pro NRA, but rather pro freedom to think for your self, and decide what is right and what is just. And which is an illusion. And which is just orange squash.

Taurus- I have a dream. It’s a weird dream, but it still counts. I want to invent an avocado liqueur®. Sure, lots of people tell me to move on, or try a different idea, sometimes even, will you shut up about the avocados already and stop making so much guacamole, I just can’t eat any more! Thankfully though, my dream is deaf to such logical cries that are green with envy of my perfect dream. In the future we’ll all be drinking green shots of avo & whiskey, avo & cantaloupe®, and avo & fish meat; and of course…getting greenly wasted in the process. What’s your weird dream? Don’t give up, go for the green!

Gemini- Relax…and have a death in the afternoon. Not the novel, but rather the cocktail invented by the book’s author. Of which he said, “"Pour one jigger absinthe into a Champagne glass. Add iced Champagne until it attains the proper opalescent milkiness. Drink three to five of these slowly.” He’s right. A little death in the afternoon takes you away to Pleasure Island, where there’s no more war, no more atrocities—just boobies and happy endings and six toed cats. I’m not endorsing five of them—you’re no Dr. Pants to be sure…but this week, feel free to indulge—wisely that is, in a forbidden fruit, a taboo, a sexy sin, or a moral imperative. I’ll meet you at Hemingway’s place for happy hour, and you can tell me all about what may have been hallucinatory but seemed so real. 

Cancer- It may be irony that Video Killed The Radio Star was the first music video aired on MTV. It may also be a bloodthirsty threat to the powers that were about an upcoming technological attack---from the future! Point is, images speak louder (sometimes) than words. And somewhere the royal WE became enamored and obsessed with a firmly based visual explanation of events and people and existence. Visual art of the past required much more selective viewing, available only to the rich, thus ensuring that the majority of humans would see the world as art—as fantasy and imagination; because that’s all we have—our wits, and our senses. Life is simple and obvious, so stop obfuscating and mountain molehill building. Ease up, tune in, and pop by.

Leo- The big day is coming soon…National Pig Day is next Friday! And I’m sure you’ve already booked your flight for The Blue Ribbon Bacon Festival in Des Moines, but let’s talk turkey about this allegedly intelligent garbage eating animal that lives in filth. Bacon has six different umami flavor explosions—six! They flavor vodka with it, and I’m sure there’s bacon gum out there somewhere, and probably bacon wine. Your own personal bacon mania—a real thing btw, at least to some pig obsessed weirdos; is righteous and well intentioned. Your pigs are in full flight. Prepare for savory salty awesomeness. Got bacon?

Virgo- John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich may have invented the sandwich because he was addicted to gambling and would eat meat between bread while at long stints losing money that he inherited—didn’t earn, inherited. Or he liked eating meat between bread while at his desk where allegedly he worked super hard running various important upper crustery falderal and hoobsnobbery®. Whichever is true, who doesn’t like a sandwich? The same guy also had some islands named after him. Anyhoo, I like sandwiches with bacon. Point is, at some point this week, create the perfect sandwich. Get the bread at the right store. Find the perfect meat, cheese, veggies, or whatever in your mind makes the ideal meat between bread. Then, eat it. Enlightenment should come about two hours later.

Libra- Ants live on every continent except for Antarctica. Humans kick their collective asses with our collective asses. Bees too. Honey? Science will learn to make it somehow, probably involving questionable ethics and fiduciary motivations. And no, this is not me mocking capitalism for its innate flaws; iniquities exist in every system. And here’s sort of a point, iniquities involve a value system, not to mention an emotional response, and possibly a moral imperative for a call to arms—of which, the deadliness of such weaponry is actually what’s at issue here, Dude. How you battle the dragon—or the ants—is a matter of choice. I suggest you try non-imperialistic solutions; rather more equally opportunistic attempts to quench your thirsty fever for whatever beast you crave succor from. Feel deeply, as well as opportunistically. 

Scorpio- Graspus graspus, also known as Sally Lightfoot is difficult to catch because they move as the hunter moves, as if they’re reading the hunter’s mind. The Sally’s are also mucho delicioso with green salsa and a Pacifico. Sally is a crab, btw, found along the coastlines from Mexico to South America. They come in really cool colors too. And prehistorically speaking, they are also super old. Crabs have been around the block a few billion times. They live at the transition between sand and sea, surviving on and in both. They’re clever and fast and can survive incessant wave action; in fact they thrive on it—all that glorious oxygenation of air and water. This is your power animal. Walk sideways and carry some crab jerky to share with everyone you love.

Sagittarius- An earworm is the term for when you get a song, or part of a song in your head that repeats until it’s done with you. Today you are going to deal with three separate earworms, starting with Last Dance With Mary Jane, which last around forty minutes. Around lunch you will suffer from repeated Hello by Lionel Ritchie. This will last till dinner. After dinner you will have a brief musicless respite till around 730, at which time you catch part of Armageddon on cable and you’ll have to deal with Aerosmith’s I Don’t Want To Miss a Thing. This will go on until a repeat of Seinfeld will come on and everything will coalesce and effervesce into dreamy dreamy sleep time. And tomorrow, you will wake up, sans songs, and with the clear eyes of clarity and wisdom. Cha-ching.

Capricorn- A poi dog is not a wiener made of poi. Eww. It’s an extinct breed of dog native to Hawaii—and super cute, but also feral. Anyhoo, other dog breeds brought by non-natives bred with the poi dogs and today the actual breed is gone. However…the genes live on. Who knows? Perhaps your dog contains some poi dog genes that migrated over time. They were strong willed and not easily commanded. Luckily they did make good friends and equals. This is your power animal for the week. Make many new friends and your troubles are over, Dude; and maintain your independence.

Aquarius- A B&B is cognac and bénédictine, while a godfather is amaretto and scotch. Interesting…Ahh, but a French connection is amaretto and cognac. And a rusty nail may end you up in the cell of a scottish jail, due to its scotch and drambuie. Mixology-- weird, right? And it’s also a clue to our ancient history. As a species, we’ve been fermenting stuff since way before they invented bathtubs--which is how I make my booze. However you make your booze, I urge you to try something wacky. Create a new flavor explosion. Invent the next umami big bang. Go nuts. Maybe even nut flavored liqueur---sunflower seeds distilled! The time is ripe for inebriated s-explorations of your inventive mind.

Pisces- Jeanne Calment is the world’s oldest person—documented of course; at 122 years of youth. RIP, 1875-1997. And today is her birthday. Cripes, imagine: at the turn of the 20^th century she was already 25. She survived two wars in her own country of France. She survived disco. Nixon and Viet Nam and swing music, and roaring 20’s, and hoola hoops, planes and cars and atom bombs! JFK, MLK, Tiny Tim, Teddy Roosevelt, the Panic of 1893, which had to do with railroads and gold and greed--she survived more time in one shot, one continuum than anybody else (that we know of, possibly excepting Moses and Mel Brooks) in the history of histories of all human history. Happy birthday.