Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

              Dr. Pants McTurd's

     MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                        

Aries- According to Hoyle, the planet with the shortest known orbital period, aka KOI-55.01B, orbits its host in 5.76 hours. Time there must literally fly. Imagine, a whole day in less than six hours. According to current physiology, you’d be sleeping a third of that just to stay alive. Eating a slice of pizza would take around 6 seconds. Falling in love might take a heartbeat. Just like it does here on earth. In a moment, life can change drastically, regardless of the pace of your continuum. Yet fret not—your upcoming orbital period suggests finding such uncommon buried treasure as love in a heartbeat. Perhaps even a New York minute.

Taurus- There have been many lands lost over the course of earth’s history. Our planet is still cooling and shifting to this day. Just ask the people of Atlantis, or Thule, or Hyperborea, or Avalon. Don’t even get me started on Gondwanaland or Pangaea. The land your standing on was once molten and deep inside the earth. Then, upheaval; then volcanism, then cooling and subducting and shifting and eroding, and etc. Heck—all the atoms in your body have been doing something else on this earth for a long damn time. Every thing has been some part of some other thing. This inflationary entropic process is endlessly serene. And yet fret not---Avalon is due to return in yet another unexpected form. Possibly any minute.

Gemini- Laser Lemon and Lemon Yellow seem suspiciously similar, even in the prolific Crayola world. And Mauvelous seems a bit too on the nosey. However, Neon Carrot seems to imply ‘future’—I guess; but then there’s Outer Space. Yeah, it’s a color---I’m also disappointed. But then, Purple Pizzazz, Razzmatazz, Razzle Dazzle Rose, and Screamin' Green lead me to think that the world will be all right. Like, everything’s gonna be all right; as long as Tickle Me Pink and Unmellow Yellow don’t show up. They’re jerks. Color your world—inventively and subconsciously adroit.

Cancer- Your safe word for the upcoming week is: ‘Shazaam!’: The S is for Solomon, the H for Hercules, A is for Atlas, Z for Zeus, A for Achilles, and M for fleet footed Mercury. You’re wise, invincible, persevering, god-like, subtly flawed, and fast like a rabbit orbiting the sun in a mere 88 days. Boom shak-ka-laka--Boom. When you’re tired of making love and being all alone, when your dreams seem parsecs away, while a parade of numskulls and nabobs dirty your vision and visage—YOU open up those lungs and shout, Shazam! You will see clearly as if the rain were gone, like a geometrically perfect crystal forged in the heart of a sun. You divine.

Leo- Fortunately, you get the hardcore truth in your face ‘scope of the week: YOU’RE A LIONESS/LION, so deal. All current astrological data persists upon a morally imperative insistence upon wherein your grokking of chicken hypnosis will be key to an ecologically sound psychological development. I’ll just let that sink in…. Meanwhile, transcendentalize this crap: swing your metaphorical chicken roundwise, and then ride your subconscious ego rocket toward the rockiest and storm strewn beaches this earth currently offers. You are a giant meat hunting feline with wings of azure gold. Nothing can stop you. Fly, fly like a lion-eagle. Chimera!! 

Virgo- Let’s go metric momentarily for a moment’s meander. Initially, the meter was equated to the length of a pendulum’s swing. Then, sciencey folks thought it should be based on a unit of length equal to one ten-millionth of the distance between the North Pole and the Equator. But the inherent iniquities of physics due to things like mass, gravity and fractals made that seem stupid and/or ill advised. Finally, the scientific method prevailed, bringing us our current definition: the length of the path travelled by light in vacuum during a time interval of ¹⁄_299,792,458 of a second. Whaaa?--- Our multiversal POV evolves over time. YOUR understanding changes over time. Maybe you’re the same person; maybe knowledge has changed you innately somehow, which alters your perception. Maybe you’re a figment of your own imagination. Ponder that shit and grab a ruler. There’s stuff to measure.

Libra- Huckle Buckle Beanstalk is a super fun game. It’s also known as Hide the Key, Hunt the Thimble, as well as Hide the Handkerchief and Hunt the Slipper. While I too immediately conjured images of a weird sex game, possibly involving a bear costume and lots and lots of honey; but before we go there, I’m referring to the children’s game where you pick an object, say a tuba, for instance--and one kid hides the tuba and then the other kids try to ferret it out; and upon finding it yell, Huckle Buckle Beanstalk! The fun seems endless. Point is, the multiverse sometimes loses stuff on purpose and then brings it back. You lost something, I’m guessing around late last November. Close your eyes. Make a wish. Now… count to three.

Scorpio- Saxifraga oppositifolia is your power flora for the week. Farther north than even you have travelled, grows this hardy and edible plant. It grows on the northernmost point of land on the planet-- Kaffeklubben Island--gabh mo leisgeul. Yep, it’s Danish for coffee club—long story. Arctically interesting, its flowers are purple; and if this thing ever figured out how to evolve thumbs, we’d be in trouble. This plant may prove nearly impossible to find, but you will chance upon it, either figuratively or literally—And it will blow you damn doors off. Power to the purple, people.

Sagittarius- Your power animal--or spiritual totemic force, for the week is the largest organism we believe has ever existed—the Blue Whale. Weighing in at around 190 tons, and 30 meters in length, this cetacean behemoth was almost hunted to extinction. Just its tongue can weigh up to 3 tons. And their calves actually drink milk—400 liters a day! Adults require up to 8,000lbs of krill a day. They’re beautiful and undeserving of man induced extinction, and WE are the species which has outgrown resource availability. WE are the dinosaurs; and to preserve THEM, we as humans should behave differently with regards to our sonar infested, sewage filled oceans. Your power animal is massive—your heart weighs 1300lbs and it can hold an entire multiverse. Fight for your right, to swim with the whales. Dive deep.

Capricorn- The Dibble Glacier Ice Tongue® is not a sex toy, nor sex position; although, you’d be wise to copyright that shit STAT and ASAP. Tangentially, humanity has been watching ice freeze and thaw itself into a dew of mountainous and sometimes merciful proportion ere present time. Surely, as we watch our planet thaw thusly, should we not look to the ‘spirits’ of our ancestors for survival tips? Ice floes the size of Jamaica are headed our way—yet be not afeared. We’re not the currently undisputed kings of the food chain just because of the whole thumb thing. And yeah, the oceans are gonna be less salty and cooler; which might effect vital currents like the Gulf Stream—good luck Wales! And we get to see it. Sweet. And weird. Breathe deep the gathering glory.

Aquarius- Before we judge OctoMom, check this here schnizzet: Feodor Vassilyev, an 18^th century Russian peasant, and his wife—according to Guiness---gave birth to 69 children; in the form of 16 sets of twins, 7 sets of triplets, and 4 sets of quadruplets—in a mere 40 years! The house must have smelled like used diapers for decades. BTW, 67 of them survived into adulthood—97% success rate. My point is twofold: Alpha: Don’t tell me what you can’t do—I don’t care; and Beta: Your future is prolific and abundant and transoceanic and un-freaking-stoppable. Go big. Be prolific.

Pisces- You have been aboard The Lost Ship of the Desert now for some time. Legend speaks of a massive ship, possibly a spanish galleon lost in the Colorado River Flood of 1862; or a viking ship known to locals as the Serpent-Necked Canoe, that has been rumored to be seen stuck in the desert sand. The ship may or may not lie at the bottom of the Salton Sea, which is so polluted, it may never be safe to go down and retrieve it. This ghost ship has temporarily kidnapped your soul—not of ill intention, but rather to give you respite and succor, and contemplation from a weary life. YOUR ghost ship is due in port any minute. Prepare to disembark and head for the sea, where there is no limit to your intricate neptunian sojourns.