Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

                   Dr. Pants McTurd's

          MORE Than True Horror-scopes

                         

      (not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

Aries- A wigwam and a teepee are two different things that serve the same purpose. The world of tents is varied indeed. But don’t fret frivolously; we’ll save the endless third rail of bivouac vs. lean-to debate for another yurt. Today, I’d like to discuss the chum, the fly, the igloo, and the aforementioned yurt; possibly the most misunderstood of human made shelters, aside from the obvious and ignominious igloo. Shelter. It’s important. And hey—it’s your special times of allthe months. You’ve hit the garage with perfect timing. There’s a spot right up front and exit friendly. You should, by all accounts, be one happy ass camper. If not, tune up, turn on and drop trow. Throw caution to the wind, it’s more than likely going to catch your fire. Happy birthday, chum!

Taurus- In some weirdo country, it’s good luck on the first day of every month to say, “Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit” as you go about your day. Something good will happen, or whatever nonsensical reward based brainwashing can do for ya: win the lottery, find your mojo, whatev; but wait—cancel that text…this could work! But rabbits creep me out despite their cuteness. Maybe I just need to pick my own power animal and by end of April I’ll be rewarded with something just for willing it to be so, like rich beyond the means of any other living soul now and in perpetuity, and eventually I’’’ have my own orbiting hangout pad, where my rich friends can come visit aboard my personal space shuttle. Classy, right? The first is Monday. Pick your power animal and say it aloud, just to make sure…Don’t take the ocelot though, cause that’s mine. Ocelot, ocelot, ocelot!!

Gemini- I’d like to take a moment to blabber, palaver, piffle and prate; then prattle, tattle, gabble, and gibber, and eventually settle and hone in on the clacking, and maundering of your corporeal hotness, wrap you like a burrito of sexual gooeyness that transcends this plane, this brane—transmogrifying onto a higher platform of pleasure and love. Just kidding—let’s go get some chicken wings and watch hockey, and then get high and watch kung fu movies till we pass out. Wait, what? Point is, that your intellect and physical beauty are some seriously sick shite. Let me be your mirror…wait—whoa, I…you almost enthralled me there…wield your mighty sword judiciously, for it bears a gravitational responsibility for both intellect and empathy, simultaneously.

Cancer- This week, your challenge divines in the form of the following query: Are rabbits autonomous? Do they possess the right of self determination? Do rabbits even give a shite about such political fruffery and pointless yabbida yabbida? Also, do rabbits possess a collective unconscious? Are they individuals AND a collective, driven by the needs of the many, rather than the few or the one? Do you think rabbits would be Star Trek fans? I totally think so… All those other questions, I have no frakking clue. Also, if you examined your own autonomy, what would you find? You go dig in the dirt for a bit and get back to me. You will be healed upon return, so fear not your alleged wounds.

Leo- You lions are so frakking humble. You’re king/queen(s) of the whatever; and paranoid gazelles are the proof. We know you’re cool. You know you’re cool; so, let’s just eliminate all the pants in the room and get down to business, you feline celebrity sexpot… What? Wait…my point is that you might want to expect some infamous repercussions in the near immediate timespace frame…as in, the world might be on the hunt for a piece of your proverbial jungle king ass. Being wanted by anyone’s law is no day in the park on a Sunday with George, I can tell ya. But I think you’re ready. Enjoy the languid, hopefully esoteric pace of a true monarch.

Virgo- So, I’m chillin’ with a cold beer—Anchor Steam if you must know—one of the finest American beers. Yes, the Dr. can be hoppishly snobbish. Anyhoo, And I’m holding the bottle and I start pondering the wicked idea that the heat my body generates is warming the beer ever so slightly, transferring energy across the impossibly small divide between the macro and the micro of this alleged continuum; beneath the atoms and the electron even; smaller than a quark, smaller than whatever the hell Higgs-Boson is. Timespace moves through us, in a wave—which brings me back to my beer. No, in vino veritas is not my point, Dude. Let Hawking worry about the stuff that’s too small to see. Chill, have a beer and notice for a while, the world that moves through and around you faster than even light. Yep, it’s deep shite, suck it up; and engender and engineer your usual sense of leonine calm amongst all of the every thing.

Libra- Hurrahs, hoorays, and a dash of huzzahs are the main types of hoopla and big doin’s that are poised to imperil your recent contemplative isolation and retreat from the workaday world, where love is complicated and dense and annoying, like a chocolate cake that looks amazing, but as things progress, you discover it contains something bullshit, like cocoanut, or raspberries, or chicken. Seriously, wtf, who puts chicken in a cake? Probably the british… Where was I? Oh yes, big stuff on your horizon and within your eminent domain: Check this out: I have no idea what it is, but I can smell what your wind is blowing out. And you reek of fruitful change. Doldrums will vanish. So, check yourself, lest you won’t wreak yourself proverbially…you’ll be right as rain by morning.

Scorpio- Soon you will be visited by the spirits of seven trees. They bring messages about your life that are hidden in the forest that surrounds us. I predict the fourth one will be a whopper—don’t ask me how I know that. Some trees outlive humans by thousands of years. I assume they soak up the knowledge of timespace over ‘centuries’: through the roots, their bark and their leaves; and then store it digitally somehow inside their rings and innermost chloryphic pathways; preserving history, built on cellulose, I s’pose. I also s’pose trees soak us up, holding onto little pieces of our innards and psyches; the ones too hot to handle ‘midst our momentary format. They’re our roots, holding our feet to the ground, protecting us from long lonely chilly nights bereft with tales of the un-seeable and ever distant. Btw, say hi to the redwood for me, his name is Clive and he likes smiling, watching beach volleyball, and overwrought hyperspacial metaphysical jibber jabber. Peace, in as well as out, and to all.

Sagittarius- I just vibed your theme song: “We're gonna do it! Give us any chance, we'll take it. Give us any rule, we'll break it. We're gonna make our dreams come true. Doin' it our way. Nothin's gonna turn us back now, straight ahead and on the track now. We're gonna make our dreams come true, doin' it our way. There is nothing we won't try, never heard the word impossible. This time there's no stopping us. We're gonna do it. On your mark, get set, and go now, got a dream and we just know now, we're gonna make our dream come true. And we'll do it our way, yes our way. Make all our dreams come true, and do it our way, yes our way, make all our dreams come true for me and you”. You own that shite. You own Milwaukee.

Capricorn- For your pleasure, I present the word dingus. Here we go: its first definition is: a gadget, device or object whose name is unknown or forgotten; as in, “Hand me that dingus, will ya? Which dingus? The thing---my dildo, it’s right there. Oh sure, here ya go, here’s your dildo”. Its second definition is exactly what you’re expecting, a dingus is a male’s pee pee portion; as in, “I have a little dingus that helps me clean the venetian blinds.”  Or as in, “Jimmy, shake your dingus and put it away!” We’ve all been there, right? No judging. Just listening. Accepting. Bonne chance, with your dingus, ya dingus. May the dingus be with you and yours.

Aquarius- From an aerial viewing of the grand scheme of the evolution of human consciousness, we see that mankind first disseminated out of Africa, and on to almost everywhere on the globe. And those tribes lost touch with those that moved on, headed north, or just decided that ‘here’ was a nice place to park. As humanity’s numbers grew and we became more successful in adapting to environmental change and a brain evolving at the speed of a runaway dromedary, we slowly began to get to know each other again. Granted one result has been war and hate, but still—maybe there’s progress in there somewhere. Case in point, the spread of photojournalism helped fuel the end of the Viet Nam War. We’re moving now at light speed, compared to the past. Hang on tight-- it only gets weirder.

Pisces- You are the perfect size to be a professional jumping rabbit. Dude, I can’t make this stuff up: throughout northern Europe and UK, rabbit jumping competitions are a hopping success. It’s like a cross between the American Kennel Club and an Olympic equestrian event. Most of the rabbits I know personally seem to do little else besides eat, poop, sleep and look cute. But these crazy rabbits can jump! The record being some 39 inches---over three feet, man—neat, I guess! I sense the eating pooping rabbit deep in your innards, is awakening from a long slumber and ready for a nice spinach salad. Prepare for jumping. Time to touch the sky. Stretch your weird bunny legs and prepare for a spring full of action, adventure and cheese. Sproing!®.