Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

                   Dr. Pants McTurd's

       MORE Than True Horror-scopes!

                                   

     (not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

Aries- According to data collected by several suspect companies with varying degrees of legality concerning your ‘rights’ to privacy, you may enjoy some or all of the following: nude waterskiing, eating raw oysters, happy endings, blue licorice, hard core political wonking, eel fishing, eel pies, board/drinking game nights filled with besotted jocund cage rattling, volcano hurdling, moon roping, badger games, wok juggling, Fish Fries®, mothers of invention, bluegrass music, tickle and/or pillow fights, and a peculiar desire to do what is right, for the many, the proud, the few, and hopefully the one. Everybody wins.

Taurus- Making up stupid words like fandabulous® is my english speaking right. We have craptastically® absurdly word usements and I dare say, I piffle you, sir, I piffle you all the way downtown. Rigidity is such a sedimentary concept. We are not rocks, we are not silicate or gemstones, neither plutonic nor volcanic. We are mostly empty space, you and I, as well as every iota and quantum of everything. Even your rocky substrate has more holes than a block of rat eaten cheese. For now, try being the top of the mountain—the part that sees erosion up close and personal every minute. Your dynamism is so much more active than the mere tectonic crawl and creep that seems the earth to be. Taste the air up there.  

Gemini- As you know, I, the Dr. Pants, see all. That being undisprovable, I pose this: I see something you’ve been avoiding. Maybe it’s a chore, something mundane like cleaning your bathtub or filing your taxes. Could be something momentous-- maybe you should consider getting a new state of mind; perhaps a new modality of though. I guarantee you’ve beat that horse to a faretheewell, so let’s go grab another palomino for the ride to the next frontier—to the next set of challenges and adventures. Unleash your ballast and unpack your saddlebags. The past is heavy and needs to left behind. The future is light like air, fringed with tingling and excitement for the newness of it all.

Cancer- In the immortal words of Joey Scarbury: ‘Look at what's happened to me, I can't believe it myself. Suddenly I'm up on top of the world, it should've been somebody else. Believe it or not, I'm walking on air. I never thought I could feel so free. Flying away on a wing and a prayer. Who could it be? Believe it or not it's just me. It's like a light of a new day, it came from out of the blue, breaking me out of the spell I was in, making all of my wishes come true. Believe it or not, I'm walking on air. I never thought I could feel so free, flying away on a wing and a prayer. Who could it be? Believe it or not it's just me.’ Keep these lyrics in mind this week, save you they can.

Leo- Is it weird that id and ID are so similar? They’re both who you are, or at least a facet I guess... Your id is what you want, what you desire, regardless of whether it’s good for you. Your ID is proof you are who you say you are. Are we the composite of our wants? Do our desires define us? The answer is…sometimes. We are multi definitional and dimensional creatures, who are never just one thing at any one time. Our souls are savage and cannibalistic and crafty, and hopefully saintly and altruistic and replete with brotherly love. We’re also a hungry lot—for food, for spiritual sustenance, and for adventures on new frontiers. Do not go gentle into that good night, old age should burn and rave at close of day; rage, rage against the dying of the light. Find who you are and be that.

Virgo- A tiny piece of space dust travelling at 14,642 kph is on it’s way to your face. This particular matter is a refugee from the L972-G meteorite that is due in our upper atmo around 7pm PDT Friday night. It’s moving so fast, it will likely pass right through you. Yep, you heard right: a microscopic piece of space debris containing 23% radioactive graphite and a mix of aluminum oxide, iron and possibly selenium is on a direct course for your facial area. This piece of dust has been searching for you for countless centuries, having been reborn in countless nuclear furnaces, reincarnating itself with one purpose, one mission---to find you specifically and crash through your face. It should be painless. And probably life changing. The entire history of everything is soon to be part of you. Neat.

Libra- Handy legal tip no 23: if you and a pterosaur are involved in a car vs reptile collision, please have ready the following: name, address, dinosaur military rank and ID. I bring this up because if we’re going to start cloning our jurassic friends, I assume down the road, they’re gonna want to vote and drive and be out after curfew. And they’re sticklers for procedure and protocol. One time, in the past when I travelled the rails of the Dinosaur Train, I had a run-in with a half drunk quetzalcoatlus, who thought the left lane was a landing strip. Total legal nightmare—reptile insurance company lawyers are so cold blooded. So, in closing, beware all reptiles, especially the flying ones. Otherwise your upcoming week looks pretty sweet.

Scorpio- What I bagged for you this week is a super serious set of Lagrangian Points. Allow me to explicate. Firstly, everything is moving, so don’t be fooled, but when observing the orbits of say, the moon around earth, there are five points in the orbit, where math gets super neat. The geometry is beautiful. The five points are great spots to place satellites in geo-sync orbit. For example, the earth’s L1 point is the current home of the Heliospheric Observatory, with a perfect never obstructed view of the sun. Let’s find our mutual Lagrangian points, so we can stare at the sun together, unobstructed, entranced in orbit and free to be, you and me.

Sagittarius- I’m not here to debunk unassuming birthstones like chalcedony, which allegedly brings peace, security and happiness, at the same time removing fear, depression, mental disturbances and sadness, allowing anyone who wears it to be more open towards the inside sphere of life, as well as increasing mental stability and inner peace, while it enables our thoughts to become more visible, bringing our body, emotions and mind in harmony with the spirit, promoting emotional honesty and balance, vitality, stamina and increased life energy. But honestly---it’s a rock. It doesn’t do any of that---it’s a rock. However---not to be a pebble pooper, go ahead---try wearing some chalcedony around your pretty little neck. The rock can’t do all those things—but maybe you can. Dig deep.

Capricorn- What if, what if what we believe to be the afterlife becomes the afterlife, in the sense that our preconceived souls become the template for our next incarnation? So if you believe in guilt and absolution and saviors and martyrs---then that’s what you get. Personally, I believe nothing...relativistically speaking---I’m no nihilist, they’re just assholes without a work ethic...and I know we follow each other on soultwitter.com®, so let’s be frank---not germanic, but honest...tell me, what do you believe? The answer matters not, but how you answer tells me everything....tell me---Actually, don’t. Words usually create trifles, not clarity. Belief is a multi faceted gem. Study it well before you assay any rocky pinnacles or conclusions. The unimaginable is malleable and friendly.

Aquarius- Your power word combo for the week is vainglory and wanderlust. Use them wisely as they pack quite a wallop, especially when used together as in ‘vainglorious wanderlust’; which are the potent forces that will drive your soul’s curiosity and craving for adventure, no matter how egocentric it may seem to an outsider. Everyone else can go take a dump this week, because you must have freedom, even if it has some vanity in it. Vanity is a two sided word, remember---ego, the I, the royal I and everyone else in your wack-a-doo head needs vanity to survive. Go---be who you are, be what you’re like, be like yourself, like only you can, and send me a postcard detailing your tour de fractals and forces.

Pisces- Nerd alert: one of the greatest dangers to our collective scientific mind that will engender and aid our survival is the plethora of bullshit science shows. Not just Ghost Trackers, or Martian Alien, or Area 51 Super Secrets; or some ass in a lab coat telling us that it’s possible the rock that looks like a pyramid on Mars was built by ancient Egyptian overlords from another galaxy who used humans as slave labor, inventing god along the way, as well as something called a Stargate hotwired by Richard Dean Anderson using only a toothpick and a wad of blue gum. Bullshit science that gives numskulls ideas about how the multiverse doesn’t work only function as an obstacle to truth. Teach science and support thinking. You are born for this. Stop buying fish and get your hands dirty teaching.