Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Aries-  I don’t want to alarum thee, but about 8 inches above your head, there’s this floating damoclean sword, that’s aiming for your medulla oblongata—your source, your font of unique and occasionally creepy weirdness. Usually reserved for those in positions of great power, the sword of Damocles represents the possibility that at any moment, the great power that lay in your sweaty handed grasp, may prove to be your undoing in an instant, in a heartbeat, a new york minute even. And hey—there’s no guarantee that the world will definitely not come crashing down on your unsuspecting head any minute now, but for now pretend the sword is just a cupcake with red velvet cocoanut frosting. As usual, you’re over-stressing.

Taurus- Your Dreadnought of the Week ® is an impressive arsenal and defender of justice and enforced peace ‘mongst disparate ideologies, and schisms ‘twixt what is inevitable in a bipolar world. First, let vocab: dreadnought…sounds ominous, like I FEAR NO THING. FEAR DOES NOT EXIST. I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE. ETC. The baseline nature of this weird reality is not steeped in fear. The tea we float in is healing and magic. It created us, and it wants to keep us afloat, so that we can find dry land, so that we may gaze upon the divine sencha sea from a more solid perspective. FEAR NO THING. FOR THINGS---THEY DO NOT EXIST.

ONLY LOVE EXISTS. AND CUPCAKES. FEAR NO THING. GO NOW.

Gemini- You and I, we’re still part animal…reverse evolutionize this: under our big monkey brain lies a scaly reptilian one that reacts instantaneously.

Ok, so present day: northern hemisphere, eve of the solstice, power point central for gravity and quiet moments of intimacy betwixt orbs of great size and nuclear force---magnetic and shielding and life sustaining and astringent only when necessary, in order to further evolution and progress and forever and forever. And you, air and emotion, transforming your way into Cancer, new life; powerful tidal forces at work on levels brainwise that we cannot compute. You are an earlier earth, one that does not know regret or misuse. You are chemical and reactionary and pure. Happy birthday,you magnificent bastard.

Cancer- IF you would just do this. OR believe that. IF ONLY you could transpose dissimilar deities into earthly wormy plowshares, and transform your garden into eden and verdancy and lush and refulgent burgeoning explosive life life life life life all over the place. Wow, neat, right? Birthday times are en route to your face. It’s time to crab crawl from the sea toward warm beaches and systematic spawning---sex, sex, sex…dilated and lunar and solstice and orbs beyond mental contraptions—freedom and exultation and rebirth upon rebirth upon rebirth ad infinauseum® forever and ever and ever. Sidle sideways your life affirming clawesome-osity®. Go now.

Leo- There are only three US states that have the balls to use taxpayer dollars to officially recognize and officially endorse a state bat. Yeah, what’s your state’s official bat? If you don’t live in Oklahoma, Texas or Virginia, you’re sadly state bat-less. In OK, it’s the Mexican free tailed bat. And yeah, maybe that’s a little un-American for a red state, but the exact same bat is also the official state bat of Texas. Go figure. Virginia, tho--way cooler—the Virginia big eared bat. Firstly, way more American. Secondish, way to go Virginia, naming a bat after yourself. You own that bat! And that’s my advice for you my lion friend: find your bat, name it, and make it official. Go now. 

Virgo- So, ever since 9-11, the guv’ment’s been spying on us? So what? Shut up. Remember how Eisenhower warned us about the dangers of an out of control military industrial complex? Yeah, that came true. Same with Washington warning us about foreign entanglements. There exist certain inevitabilities, things that will happen because they simply cannot not happen. Data mining is what the system is going to do no matter what, no matter if it’s legal, no matter if it’s immoral, no matter how many violent asshole terrorists it stops---the future—precluding of course incidents of alien invasion or planetary zombie super virus, the future is a maze of digital everything all the time. Loopholes everywhere. Keep in mind however; no one ‘controls’ the matrix. You pull threads. Be the butterfly that starts a hurricane. Go now. 

Libra- I knew Walgreens was shady biz. So, during Prohibition, Walgreens went from 20 chain stores to 400, because they were allowed to distribute alcohol by prescription—usually in the form of whiskey. So, just like having a medical marijuana license today. Federally illegal and yet not illegal under certain auspices and definitions. So, now, we’re just waiting for the federal green light and Phillip Morris will get even bigger and more powerful until in 2024 when we elect a pack of menthol pot cigarettes to the Senate in, where else—Virginia, birthplace of melanoma. My point is, is that your world is exponential and touches every part of the earth and the galaxy and the multiverse. Dream big because that’s literally all there is.

Scorpio- The sun is large. In addition to roping in such behemoth gas bags like Jupiter and Saturn, there’s around 40,000 space rocks in orbits that range all the way out to Neptune. Science types have named some of them centaurs, after the half man half horse dudes---most of whom were a drunken lot who enjoyed cursing, inebriated contests of dim wit and equine strength, and rune collecting. An unruly bunch, with very odd orbits. It’s madness out there in centaur land. That’s where we’ve banished them, from mythical corporeality to space. It’s very cold in space, Kirk… My point is? My point is, is that you should go to Wikipedia and look up ‘Chiron’, he’s the good centaur. Learn all you can, he just went into retrograde and he is your power greek myth of the week. His wisdom and kindness is yours for the emulating. Go now.

Sagittarius- I know this is annoyingly pithy and cloyingly horseshit worthy, but the love you give is equal to the---no wait, I meant to say that nobody gives it to you. You have to take it. You want…stuff, I guess, or a person, or an idea, or a new dance move, whatever---you want, you take. You’ve been on pause for a bit, and that’s cool…but your dance card has been bitching and moaning about missed opportunities for fun before it’s bucket list time, so wtf? Grab, go, drive, launch, hit it, skedaddle Fraggle. It’s time to fish, not sit on the pot contemplating cutting bait. Hesitate no longer! Start angling and what you desire will meet you there. Go now.

Capricorn- On the off chance you aren’t familiar with the official state meat pie of Louisiana, it is of course the Natchitoches meat pie. There are many different types of meat pies out there, but the Natchitoches has been recognized by state legislature, probably with a flourishing signature from whatever governor had some extra time on his hands and wanted to make sure the proper meat pie got its deserved recognition, by god and by country. Meat pie today, meat pie tomorrow, meat pie, meat pie, meat pie. Your mission is to embrace a meat pie—literal or metaphorical, and make it your bitch. You’re the boss. Don’t hesitate. Lead, and lead strong. Go now.

Aquarius- Okay, sailor, where to? This time of year reeks of doldrums and slack eyed trade winds that drift and roil us about in waters that are not pushed by air by any stretch of our unparalleled imagination. We Aquarii are the trade winds that fuel discovery and travel and wonderment and dreams of future times. So…where to, sailor? May I suggest a butterfly approach? They flitter asymmetrically, in search of sweet sweet opium-like nectar, after transforming themselves from another incarnation. Posit: Pupae. Larva. Cocoon. Beauty. Freedom. Floating breeze to breeze to sugar to love to harmony to death and onward in another phaze. Find your nectar. Drink deep. Slake. Re-define. Start a hurricane. Go now.

Pisces- You’re the oldest water sign, and I’ve been trying to find for you the proper metaphor. What type of water is a Pisces? As you well know, water comes in many forms, is the basis for our survival, and permeates the earth in variegated voluminous volumes. Water is in the air, the rocks…it even has a relationship with fire, which gets weirdly other worldly, lot of physics and crap…Anyhoo, water evolved—that’s what you are…but what is that? Water is everything and everywhere---the universal solvent for crap’s sake! Better to be the grease than the wheel, you unbreakable fucker…nice work. H2Whoaaa! Btw, your metaphor is a glacier---think about it, water expressing environmental dominance over millennia upon millennia—staggering influence---geologic even. Power based on volume and durability. Neat. Be glacial. Save the planet. Go now.