Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horrorscopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                       

Aries-  Today, the Pants would like to address your need for speed. Posit: the first amoebic life moved pretty slow and not very far, then evolution speeds up and makes bigger faster creatures, then meteoric apocalypse, then new life, then some massive tectonic movements and more meteors, then more new life—all on a massive geologic time scale, centuries upon centuries, till the more or less now time, with mammals and relatively fast running speeds, quad- and bi- pedalism and such, and then we tame the horse—we move faster still, and then trains, and then cars, and then rockets and bullet trains, and hopefully faster than light travel is just around the proverbial corner. What will the scenery look like when we can go faster than the light that we interpret reality through? The world moves pretty fast. Take a sec to look out your window and catch your breath.

Taurus- The best kind of hero is both unlikely and unexpected. Just bring me a messiah or whoever the frak is going to show up and tell us the meaning of all of this, so we can just move on with our lives! He/she’s gotta be strong and gotta be fast and gotta be fresh from the fight. Why? Because the world is a mess, a disaster, an overpopulated unmitigated Hesperusian wreck---especially if you watch cable news. The ship’s going down, so find an escape pod or a bed to hide under because the fiery demons of disorder and hell are---Wait, wtf? No way Jose…this time you should be your own messiah, your own hero, your own soldier of light atop a blazing steed who’s gonna take the bad guy out and shellac the crap out of his oversized hubris and overly small genitalia. It’s you time. Go now.

Gemini- Not to alarm anyone, but considering pov, there may be time travelers all ‘around’ us. It’s not a matter of strings or new timelines, but rather from where our seat of consciousness sits. However you get there, via faster than light travel or transport via wormhole, you have moved A to B. However, all the rest of the junk has moved x y and z in relative position to that other globule of matter known as a galaxy that has also moved, especially from its own pov. Shit…that implies that the number of pov's is infinite---whether you’re a human or star or a bag of mixed nuts---there’s infinite amounts of us. We’re not on different timelines, as much as we are separated infinitively across infinity. My point is? My point is, is that what you don’t believe you can see—may be right here, right now, right in front of and all ‘around’ you. Employ your third eye. Go now. 

Cancer- Your mythical power animal of the week is a gryphon. Yep, you’re half eagle and half lion, king of the land and commander of the skies. I don’t know how your parents got together, but the result is impressive. I’m not saying that there’s some upcoming event that will require super abilities to solve, but rather that you would benefit from thinking of yourself as the merging of two great powers, two apexes of evolutionary strength, both different, both separate and equal, competing at times for the same prey, but never with the same tactics. You carry the blessings of different super powers, celestial twin towers, grace with a killer instinct.

Leo- Your secret power jewel of the week goes like this: in Scorcese’s Departed, Matt Damon gets a graduation gift from Nicolson, and from our angle we don’t get to see what the gift is, we just see Damon’s reaction to it. What’s in the box?? It’s a secret between those two guys, not even the audience gets to know what it is, but it means something because Damon does this look, like it’s got some irony to it, like it’s personal---like Terentino’s briefcase that lights up. Yes, odds are it’s a cell phone, but our imagination is far loftier. Anyhoo, your incoming gem is mysterious and unknown to the mortal world. When you see it, don’t share it—this gift is for your consciousness only. Tell no one.

Virgo- For your ‘scope this week, I turn it over to the more prosaic words of the great Joss Whedon: ‘Love. You can learn all the math in the 'verse... but you take a boat in the air that you don't love... she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down... tells you she's hurting before she keels. Makes her a home.’ Now, I don’t know if the boat is literal or figurative, but there’s a water/space craft in your near future. Don’t fear the ocean. Just trust in your boat. Make her a home. Oh, and happy birthday times, you rapscallion juggernaut monster love maker. We’re all counting on you.

Libra- Your power 80’s movie power nugget of the week looks like this: in Back to Future III, in order to explicate some time related shite that’s due to hit your face in the near soon times, and while you can’t really prepare for the unexpected, maybe a little heads up on your back side radar will prove useful...Anyhoo, Doc Brown meets Clara because a snake startles her horse and it charges for the ravine, and the Doc saves her. The snake is the progenitor of all the ensuing action—not the ruse about Buford and his horse throwing a shoe. A minor, seemingly random script element is actually the cause of everything, in this case it’s the open door that love takes when you meet what you’ve been wanting all along. Fear no snakes, and at valley’s end, you’ll find both light and your love a-waiting.

Scorpio- The farther we get from any era in history, say the old American west for example, the more we will dissociate from direct knowledge of that time--our depictions and understanding of that old west will be more and more inundated with current pov's and ideas about what life was like, in a time without photography, without planes and smog and satellites and running water and annoying people on cell phones and fast food loaded with antibiotics and nitrates—at least they had trains I guess. You are currently in a phase where your memory of old olden times may be slipping into the fog of past wars. Yet fret nary a whit—ka is a wheel, and things may yet spin that way again—the new old west awaits. Ride on.

Sagittarius- I don’t want to alarm you, but this week you will find it necessary to fight a bear. Might be a brown or a black one, it may be a grizzly---it may also be a metaphorical bear, which is more likely since you live in a city. Migrating to the cities, finding jobs and apartments and river with fish to eat is difficult for our ursine brothers. Anyhoo, don’t panic. No bear has a chance against you. The bear is probably in your mind, and you should know that all you have to do to sidestep the bear is: A) stop believing in it or, more likely B) run straight at it with all your fierceness and it will scamper back forest way like a scared chicken. This week, fear no bear. And maybe charge right at someone’s hubris—they will not stand.

Capricorn- Your obscure power figure of speech for the week is the synecdoche. Literally, it means a small piece of the larger thing that represents the whole, or vice versa. Like a piece of a jigsaw puzzle represents the whole, even though the whole must contain all those pieces to be considered one thing. Things are often made up of smaller things—building blocks of atoms and the subatomic and the Higgs Field and whatnot. You are not just you. A) You are a piece of a much bigger entity. B) You are made up of little tiny pieces of energy that coalesce in the now time, which feels very real and singular. Oh, and C) You are the synecdoche, the absurdly big and the infinitely small that make up one thing—the now you. Fer sure, deep shite, take a breather and focus your corporeal self. Connect the synecdochal dots and an image will appear.

Aquarius- Only you, my aquarius brained brethren, are big enough to handle this shite: your obscure power phrase of the week is the following: mutatis mutandis, which means change only those things which need to be changed. It’s like an old school metaphor. This thing is to that thing, with a small exception or two. Like, my car is like your car except that mine is red and yours is blue. That and mine is way messier—filthy actually, I’m not proud of that. Anyhoo, some aquarii change faster than others, but we all want it, usually the more the better—helps to keep things interesting. And specifically right now, I feel that we need a real game changer---just bear in mind you don’t need to change everything. Just change the necessary. Everything else will follow along the usual synecdochean® lines.

Pisces- Your power fish of the week is the puffer fish. Congratulations. You have scored some authentic underwater wackiness. Get this: to attract females for naked fish sexy time, the male makes what looks like an underwater crop circle in the sandy bottom of open ocean. These shapes resemble something like a mandala, and the females like to lay their eggs in the center of the circle, I guess when you’re out in the open ocean, it looks like a big nice comfy bed. Not only did the fish evolve the ability to make such designs, but the females evolved the ability to recognize a specific pattern in the vast stretches of sandy ocean bottom. Look for something cozy in the sandy bottom—you’ll recognize it on sight.

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

Aries- You have what the French refer to as an idée fixe. Pretty much exactly what it sounds like, verily close to ‘idea fix’, or a fixed idea, or an obsession, or compulsion, maybe a fetish, a fancy or a monkey, possibly a penchant, a preoccupation, a proclivity or propensity, a monkey, a crush, a craving, a yen even…wait---a passion!, a monomania, an axe to grind, revenge to be tasted cold----and it is very cold in space, Kirk--also an Aries btw and fyi. My point is, is that 1) don’t denigrate the Shatner---we mock what we pretend we do not understand and 2) revenge is served cold because it’s empty, especially if the Sword of Damocles is pointed at your own head. Solution: choose differently, choose to reward yourself this one time. Oh, and look towards a different fire and read Sagittarius.

Taurus- Believe the Pants on this one: knowing anything about the future, or even detailed knowledge of the present and its very likely outcomes and progressions, is a weighty burden. The Taurean intelligence is of a different forging---the way metal becomes alloys, and gets folded in on itself, repeating cohesion and homogeneity by forcing certain earth elementals to merge with one another….And now, the world seems to be ruled by air. Even the high altitude climate that you’re genetically accustomed seems mixed with strange gases, possibly of noble nomenclature, but some strange at average earth temperature like fluorine---what is that anyway? My point is, is that you are ‘versed in the present—know your strength and exploit it to your benefit. Climb on air as if it were craggy pinnacles.

Gemini- You are blessed with the following math, or rubric, or matrix---no capitalized metaphor intended: you possess the kind of intelligence that is at least partially defined by literal processing speed. You’re no Aquarius like the Doc Pants here, but still, I know when I meet you that Gemini’s have a very high processing rate when it comes to information. Your neurons are lightning fast, and somehow not detached from your emotions. The Doc is super impressed with you folk. So…every second our minds and bodies take in information, from temperature to time of day to why is that person looking at me in such an odd way? I remembered to put pants on right? Know this: even sans pants, you rock the casbah, and then some. 

Cancer- Congratulations! You are nigh to embarking on a ruritanian romance sexy time adventure like you’ve never believed possible previously to this posting! Btw, a ruritanian romance is a romance story set in an imaginary foreign country, a device which allows to the author to make broad parallels spread ‘cross a landscape of her/his own design, to make what the french call ‘ le point du l’auteur’. Anyhoo, your ruritanian romance will be quite real, so you’ll have to write the story of it later. Presently your presence is requested on Track 9.75. Don’t hesitate! Adventure and love in Freedonia await!

Leo- Okay, you and I—we’re invincible. Pistolas y Rosas. Yes, and it is fantastically splendid. And not to burst any bubbles, but an intellect such yours is probably already aware that no person can predict all outcomes—currently anyway. Isaac’s psychohistory is still centuries away. My point is, is that there will always be math beyond your ken. Even me---the Doc Pants, has to admit that there are matrices above my pay grade. Math, like marmots, evolves-- it changes over time. And maybe that’s why we’ve evolved to a point where we can assign value to things such as justice, purity, infinite you-niqueness®, transcendence, & uniquity®. For now, don’t get cocky and keep thinking you’re invincible, it’s good for the soul. Roar.

Virgo- The Integratron is your power structure for the week. It’s a perfectly acoustic wooden dome built in Landers, Ca by George Van Tassel, after speaking to an alien from Venus that woke him up one night to tell him the secrets of rejuvenation for the human body. 1) why would a Venusian know anything about that? 2) yes, George was probably bipolar 3) Howard Hughes even put some money into it 4) if you go in there, you will be treated to a sound bath---no joke, and you will arrive at an enlightened state, in which you will understand both anti gravity and time travel. This is the real mccoy, man. I suggest you do some research on the Van Tassel, and possibly visit the dome. Tours run daily from 10pm to 6am. Also, happy birthday times, you old rascal.

Libra- Posit: occasionally things just click. Case in point, recently I was walking from the laundromat to the adjacent post office, which is usually a weekly occurrence, and I see this late 50’s guy, kind overweight, big breezy bright orange Hawaiian shirt—I took note of the fellow thinking, what’s his story? On the way back I saw him again, this time he was sitting in presumably his old beat up Chevy van that probably had a small beer fridge and skull bong in the back, and he’s just playing on a guitar. And I thought, you know—occasionally things just click. You’ll know it when you feel it. And if you see the bizarro Jimmy Buffet, say hi from the Doc Pants.

Scorpio- I cannot make this shit up: Typhon was known to the Greeks as the Father of all monsters. His human torso was a large as the sky and his head was not a head, but a horde of dragons, while his lower half consisted of gigantic viper coils. Oh, and fire came out of all the dragons’ eyes, so I guess--look the fuck out, right? Don’t piss of the guy with fire spouting reptiles for a head. So Zeus then imprisons the Titans---basically Typhon’s gang of horrible monsters, and after much god vs giant monster bloodletting, Zeus defeats Typhon, and traps him underneath Mt. Etna, which still spouts off even to this day. My point is? It’s that we bury the monster and then its presence is only occasional and hopefully not life threatening. Take this metaphor for a ride in your mind.

Oh, and uh, Jay--read Pisces.

Sagittarius- Ad eundum quo nemo ante iit is your Latin power phrase for the week. And it involves something which you aged fire signs are good at shaping---the future. It seems like you forge the future you desire out of the act of combustion, like dragonbreath, or yogi fire breathing, producing outcomes out of sheer willpower and strength of soul. And best of all, your fire is white and cleansing, as opposed to black and destructive---you are constructive fire. Not destruction, but creation. Like the singularity between an alleged god and Adam’s finger tip. You’re the moment of creation, inspiration and idea formation. Go boldly. Be first and unafraid.  

Capricorn- Okay, so--there’s a dead man’s switch on a dead man’s chest and before you’re the dead man walking, I want you to take a deep breath, maybe even 11 or 12 of them and realize that this is YOU breathing. Then, pull yourself up by bootstraps or tighty whities or whatever you can grab hold of, and with all your might, shove on the other end of this bookcase, and then I’ll block the bookcase with my body. At the same time, a supersonic bullet train leaves Des Moines at around 11:30 travelling at like a billion miles per hour, with a dining car with a four star chef--not the best, but they have a full bar. The question is thusly: Does everything have to have an answer? Does everything have to get to a point? Do points actually exist? And what is the inverse of a point—a black hole? A singularity of infinite smallness, as to possibly give birth to another ‘verse, maybe just one string on down the line? I dare you to ponder that shite.

Aquarius- Your proper nomenclature for the week is hold fast to the following dimensional proportions—1 : 4 : 9, aka the squares of the first three integers, or 1, 2, 3. And this is just the start of the series btw. The list of integers is way long--ergo and down the line, there are more dimensions and proportions to fill out. And hey, whoa—even the Doc Pants doesn’t know what string 438 to the power of 2 consists of---Altho if I had to guess, it’s probably just like the 1 : 4 : 9 that we experience now, but just a little bit off center and towards the left. So…start of with the first three, then ease your way into four. Stretching your thinking into the next dimension can be a bumpy ride.

Pisces- Before the Pants is deposed and derided as a false prophet of science, let me explicate my meaning: science does not negate god, nor does it negate the possibility of a god, or some metaphor for god, a not yet discovered way of thinking about god---I mean c’mon! We’re only so far along the long arm of time and evolution of tangentially thinking primates—what the frak do we know? Imagine a larger scale, where we are 8 year olds in our own young galaxy of teenagers and adults and middle agers and seniors. In map language, ‘you are here’. Where ‘god’ is, is ‘way the frak over there’. Oh, and btw, even god may not have all the answers. But don’t fret the complex shite. Hold fast to the now times that are in your face. It’s perfect to be here, right now. Possibly, choose not to decide.

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horrorscopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)         

AS ALWAYS, I SUGGEST YOU READ YOUR OPPOSITE SIGN FOR INSIDE GENIUS. IT’S EASY, JUST COUNT SIX UP OR DOWN FROM WHERE YOUR SIGN IS, AND READ—HINT: THAT SIGN SHOULD FEEL COMPLIMENTARY…

EX: ARIES AND LIBRA. Mmmm, 6!

Aries- For some time now I feel that you’ve been playing the hawkshaw, eyeing the ground in search of clues—ideally from an elevated perspective, so as to get the proverbial bird’s eye view. Howsomeever, deal with this: as far as this Doc knows, there’s only one tree in the whole world that owns its own self. As in, this flora is the sole proprietor of its own soul, as a non-human arboreal individual. Any rate, this tree lives in Athens, Georgia and was willed its freedom by a most likely racist A-hole, who is now dead. Ironically however, this tree is a property owner, which entails certain rights under law. It’s an oak btw. As aside, do you own yourself yet? If not, I suggest you get on that. Even a tree does that. Own who you be.

Taurus- Might I suggest a medicine that you may have considered, but have put off for reasons that may not be self advantageous? Imagine when the earth was quiet, imagine when the earth didn't rumble with the machinations of man, when merely monsters of gigantic size ruled the globe, and weather and faults and magma and birdsong and desert winds, and fog and rain and frog songs that lasted from early dusk fading into the relative quiet of jungle nighttime. Go to there, preferably in a hot air balloon, so that no clawing fangs find your throat, and float like a cloud over the distant past. The real roots of our behavior come from the twisty jungle and all its different power levels. Float up, but root down.

Gemini- Allegedly, you can’t outrun a bear, so the prevailing logic is to stay put and yell at it really loud while waving your arms and acting like a loud frightened assmouth®. Which is why I advise you to carry with you for the next week, a battery powered megaphone, so that in case you meet a bear, like in the woods or at work, or while driving down La Cienega, then you can yell super loud at them, while waving your arms like a lunatic. You’ll confuse who/what ever you’re pissed at, and they’ll go away. This is not something I suggest always---diplomacy has its place, but for this one week—you’ll get more by tangling with the bear on his/her own terms.

Cancer- In a world of billions of voices, and billions more considering the flora and non-human fauna kingdoms, deciphering your individual thoughts from those of the collective unconscious, or of a societal group or nation, or planet seems to be as far away as Jupiter—which despite its innate gaseousness, Google will soon have mapped. The overpopulated world seems to invite retreat into one’s own private world, where we have enough food and room to sleep, unhindered by the needs of the many outweighing the needs of the few, or the ME. I posit this to your face: now is your ME time. Use it well and regret not a fractal of a moment. The intractable world will be there upon your return. Oh, and you should probably read Leo.

Leo- To throw some Marcus Aurelius at your face, ‘we fall in love with what (or who) we see everyday’. That said, when you’re with someone you love---and I mean truly love, whether platonic or naked sexy time or preferably both, you remember a more of who you are, deep in your cockles. Like, Oh yeah, around this person, I can be who I really am, rather than the only slightly attentive person that you may tend to be, through fault of work or circumstance or bloodline. This sounds cynical, but to throw some TS Eliot at your face, ‘there will be time, to prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet; there will be time to murder and create, and time for all the works and days of hands that lift and drop a question on your plate. Oh, do not ask, what is it? Let us go and make our visit.’

Virgo- I been thinking about you over a time, or rather over a scale of time, time at its most munificent. As well as how you’re evolving, and from where and out of what, and to where and toward what, because I’m a doctor—I’m thinking about you in the future—shit, no—as the future. I must say, your ‘scope is fantastic. Your innards, particularly your mental innards are dynamic and syncopated and—shit, it’s almost your birthday times! And not to kiss your ass with undue kindness, but shit, man—things are looking rosy for you. I’m talking possible enlightenment and very likely sexy fun times. I’m telling ya, you are the new me. Go now. Speed your plow. Be the monkey. Now is the time to take no prisoners, take no shits!

Libra- Respect for life? Sure, but I want to gut that fish. I want to eat it. And I don’t care that I toss the innards into a stew and eat them too. I drink your fish milkshake. That aside, while we strive toward vegan, as a healthy utopian blah blah, what about the plants? Do they have feelings? Or even still, do I? Should I? What if broccoli has even one emotion? Should I not chop the ever lovin crap out of it and digest its inherent nutrients? Yes. Occam. Razor. The obvious is ever sharp. What you respect may also be food—sustenance to further engender your future. Eat heartily and regret nothing. And a thank you to the Great Spirit wouldn’t hurt neither.

Scorpio- The Galilean Moons are of great import in your upcoming future times. To explicate, they are the four largest and innermost moons discovered by…yes the Galileo, via a much evolved telescope and a certain amount of inherent Aquarian brilliance. Io, Europa, Ganymede, and Callisto. Oh, and btw, outside of the usual suspect parade of usual suspects, these four bodies are the most massive in the solar system---neat, right?? Discovered, btw, in the early 1600’s. What were you doing in the early 1600’s? Nothing, I bet. Depending on your pov, re certain possible explanations about multiversal matrix-like appendages blossoming into infinifty® (see Sag…), and integral to your upcoming orbital period. Fret not, yet be prepared for a possible, yet subtle, orbital shift, probably for the better. Also, read Leo.

Sagittarius- Infinifty® (patent pending)--so hands off, wanker. I’m sorry, that wasn’t me. I mean it is me, but...I’m difficult…If we all did as our con-science dictated, then we would most likely be poor, or subject to some superior power that we are forced to believe is better, or more moral, or endowed—godlike and all puffery, I say--or whatever the frak...but I, and I suggest WE say to the powers that be---I AM INFINIFTY®, SO GO F YOURSELVES INTO A TIME HOLE, YOU STINKY UGLY JERKWADS. Wow, I feel like we both just pooped. Patent pending....MY POINT IS, is that infinifty® is your warped reality for the week. It can’t hurt you, but you may feel a little---‘ooogey’. Both nifty, and infinite. You’re like a meat salad!

Capricorn- Freedom is the watchword. I’m gonna do with it what I can…

And so should you…because freedom isn’t just another word for nothing left to lose. It’s also a symbol, a representational tide turned golden and phoenixed, and pancaked and perused by innocent bystanders and looky-loos and lookers-on. Freedom is not only used by the wise, nor by the conscious. Many of us are dumbfounded by things we see, turned inside out by external stimuli---should we fare smarter? Probably. But we’re talking about us here, not some idea of who we are---not some sigil or stamp, but who we are as human beings---distracted and in awe of this existence, which seems, to be frank—insane. Freedom. Nonsensical freedom, but freedom nonethenevertheless. Ponder that shite, yo.

Aquarius- Okay…shit. The last of our double Aquarian full moon intertwining is about to happenstance. So, there ya go….I mean, maybe something gross is about to happen, and by gross, I mean large, monumental, ecstatic and blah blah…Wait, F to the that---Be positive, I guess, cause things are about to change. At least, I think so anyway. Or, I’m still ME-- like I’m ME before the ME that was asking how the ME in ME was doing. What happened to I? How am I? Great question! I…well, I feel that…no, it’s more of a—a… well, you know—same old shit meets another chance ata future---something, hopefully resplendent and new. I say, wish gross and heartfelt, it may yet come true, fool. Also, read Leo.

Pisces- I rarely use the word apotheosis in polite company, because it smacks of deism and a reasonable worship of regular folk, who somehow get upgraded to god like status. However, despite my caution, and general wish that you won’t go overboard on this, YOU, fish-person are ready for the following, which I suggest you use as a mantra—not forever, let’s stay presumably humble, as much as you believe yourself to be anyway, but here goes: repeat this inside your mental box: NO JOB IS TOO BIG, NO FEE IS TOO BIG. Your capability levels for the next week actually meet your high standards. Go now. Ask and you shall conceive. Ask big. And read Leo.

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes!

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Aries- Codependence should be spelled codependance®, and here’s why: 1) it’s clever and not what the bastards are expecting, 2) codependence in a relationship is a type of dance, where partners exchange dominance and a willing yielding of power, as the music changes mood or tempo, and 3) dancing is a good metaphor in general, due to its dualistic nature and jazzy latin rhythms. And whilst in the time of Leo, I throw this juicy gauntlet at your cloven Aries feet: put on your red shoes and find a partner with whom to dance the blues---preferably away, and into the future of swaying to the music of the ‘verse with someone you’re comfortable codependently dancing with.

Taurus- You won’t stop science. There is no system without a weak spot. No matter what you believe, there is a loophole that some other brain and/or brane will figure out. There is no where to hide, no when to run. Whatever you avoid, it will be there waiting for you when you return from la la la land. You can run, but you can’t and etc...Oy, I’m tired. I just want to go to there, where there’s not a sinkhole in the floorboards, or a sand trap where my life love lies. But despite on the spot knowledge, or atoms or gumshoes, or innovators of truth---that spot, that hole, that gap---will get filled...until we find another spot. There’s always room for one more...and one more…and one more....life without end and light without a speed limit. Try not fighting the current for a while, I’m just sayin.

Gemini- Okay, so.. I’m at home and through the open summer window I hear a scream, right as I’m urinating—in midstream, capiche? And btw just deal with my untowardness, suck it up...so, being an old man Doctor, I continue peeing...thinking that at this point I’m committed to the stream, and the scream didn’t seem blood curdling enough to cease the stream, like a banshee, or a death ray for example, and upon reflection it was probably just a stupid kid making noise across the way. Anyhoo, this is your power metaphor of the week: When in midstream, at what point does one stop and jump to action? The Doctor’s advice is to be the stream, and try to avoid letting the stream be you. Commit to the stream, but don’t exacerbate it.

Cancer- Not to knock prayer---which I don’t oppose, especially when heartfelt, but it’s like wishful thinking....like how many aeons did it take to even have his discussion, and notice the british spelling—classy right? From one cell to two cell, to dinos and meteors, and then primates---and what is it all worth?? I don’t know either, but my point is, is that maybe we are who we create as we see fit in the next given situation...and maybe we have control and maybe we don’t. It’s an up and down thing no matter who ya are...so---you’re so right...prayer yourself forward against all waves and choppy waters. I say, go ahead and pray. Your heart can only get stronger.

Leo- It’s good to be the king. And it’s your birthday time, so I won’t bullshit you with nonsensical prognostications that most likely have nothing to do with anything more than the rambling mind of the idiot who wrote it. The sun is literally shining through the prism of your constellation. The lion’s brilliance is glowing upon the world and our solar system, and probably out past even the centaurs and the comets, and the trans-neptunian region that holds all our dreams and subconscious intentions and lusts and visions. In the amended words of Mike Patton, happy birthday—fucker, you blow them candles out we’re gonna kiss you, kiss you. Pucker up, cake face.

Virgo- The word occasionally feels the need for two l’s and two c’s, but apparently the s’s of the world get the shaft---as usual. Howsomeever, the word suspension, with three separate and distinct s’s seems very well supported. I’m not implying, nor impugning that s’s are under utilized or disincentivized nor even disenfranchised, I mean hey---they are the key to pluralizing pretty much everything, but nonetheless, I personally, could use some more s’s. For example, possessionlessness. I have no idea what it means, but DAMN. My point is, is that currently, a priori of your upcoming birthday times, you now possess the unhinderable power to do as you wish-regarding spelling, or baking cookies, or even affecting the time continuum with your potent Viagra mind bullets. Now is the time to call any raise.

Libra- I might need to apologize in advance, but your power animal of the week is the emu. Personally, it’s one of those animals that I think about and go—yeah, that’s both weird and cool. All dino-like and flightless and way large, due to its giant australian island home, which remains affected by evolution at a slower pace. Imagine---being able to run at like 30mph. Wow, right? And…not monogamous—super cool, right? And best of all, they can kick a dingo’s ass all the way back to the aborigine spirit world. The emu is weird and underrated. Study and use the iconography of the emu---save you it can. You are a flightless bird!!

Scorpio- Posit: If I am the dreamer, then you are the dream. Wait---no…that’s not what I meant. If I am Lazarus, come from the dead, come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all…but no, we are mere peasants—on god’s farm possibly. And I’m not one to believe in a god situation, per se, but rather I’m more of the Lockean frame of mind, but still-- if I were god, I would make this multiverse so insanely and logically convoluted and perspective driven, that if you saw the whole thing at once, you’d have to wait a thousand million years before your brains were big enough to understand the message. And a message from WHO?? Or is it WHOM?? Ponder and get back to me. Time is ripe for thought experiments.

Sagittarius- Okay, so this is gross, but it’s physics and science, so strive for an open mind here---let’s say you have some spittle on your lip, and you’re at a downward angle, so gravity is doing its job, and you’re just waiting for it to snap and drop to the ground in what will hopefully be a spectacular ker-plop of spittle dropping. And the moment that strand of spittle snaps, and the bulk of it heads south, there’s a little tiny bit that snaps back and hits your lip. There’s this weird tension in the viscosity of the spittle and you get a little back at ya. Weird, right? And sciencey!  My point is, is that you’re about to enter a weird place that might seem gross and may piss you off, but ultimately, there will be a cool little snap-back action and you’ll be right as rain again.

Capricorn- Ok, so you don’t have the power to alter this particular time continuum. Sure, sometimes, it alters you, occasionally abruptly, sometimes gently and usually unexpectedly…you are but a floating inner tube, sometimes on a lake, sometimes a river and sometimes in open water as far as the eye can see. Howsomeever, I—the Pants, do have the power to affect the river of time---yes yes, it’s a burden at times, but it’s also a horrible responsibility! Anyhoo, I have directed the winds and the waters and all of the forest fires and all of the magma, as well as all of the mountains and faults and abysses to stay the frak out of your path so you may maintain a temporary degree of pure autonomy. Go now. Go big.

Aquarius- Hey and howdy, my Aquarii brothers and/or sisters: We’re at the midway point between two rare Aquarii full moons, with a new moon this past tuesday in Leo, and yes, the lions are our equal and opposite sign, so I guess we’re kind of like an inverse ROAR. Anyhoo, here’s our mission: it’s time to lose the indecision and choose a path. You can start the path at your leisure, but I would persuade you to step lively and choose boldly. Time waits for no one, why should you? And fret not, your choices will be the right ones---because while we are inbetwixt these moons, we are protected and impervious. Be free. Go big. And then go bigger.  

Pisces- I Want A New Drug, by Huey Lewis does not contain a particularly uplifting message about love. And yet, the whole point of the song is about love… I guess. Basically, the guy says, hey—I do coke, I take pills, I drink too much, and smoke whatever, which means yeah, I probably also use needles and have a questionable sexual history, but it’s you--sweet baby, that will take all that shit away and make me whole again. Personall, I think it smacks of horse shit. And I know you Pisces types are into illusion, but really? So obvious a ploy for codependance®? Unless that fulfills you, in which case I applaud you and send you on your way. Bonne chance!