Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes!

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Aries- Codependence should be spelled codependance®, and here’s why: 1) it’s clever and not what the bastards are expecting, 2) codependence in a relationship is a type of dance, where partners exchange dominance and a willing yielding of power, as the music changes mood or tempo, and 3) dancing is a good metaphor in general, due to its dualistic nature and jazzy latin rhythms. And whilst in the time of Leo, I throw this juicy gauntlet at your cloven Aries feet: put on your red shoes and find a partner with whom to dance the blues---preferably away, and into the future of swaying to the music of the ‘verse with someone you’re comfortable codependently dancing with.

Taurus- You won’t stop science. There is no system without a weak spot. No matter what you believe, there is a loophole that some other brain and/or brane will figure out. There is no where to hide, no when to run. Whatever you avoid, it will be there waiting for you when you return from la la la land. You can run, but you can’t and etc...Oy, I’m tired. I just want to go to there, where there’s not a sinkhole in the floorboards, or a sand trap where my life love lies. But despite on the spot knowledge, or atoms or gumshoes, or innovators of truth---that spot, that hole, that gap---will get filled...until we find another spot. There’s always room for one more...and one more…and one more....life without end and light without a speed limit. Try not fighting the current for a while, I’m just sayin.

Gemini- Okay, so.. I’m at home and through the open summer window I hear a scream, right as I’m urinating—in midstream, capiche? And btw just deal with my untowardness, suck it up...so, being an old man Doctor, I continue peeing...thinking that at this point I’m committed to the stream, and the scream didn’t seem blood curdling enough to cease the stream, like a banshee, or a death ray for example, and upon reflection it was probably just a stupid kid making noise across the way. Anyhoo, this is your power metaphor of the week: When in midstream, at what point does one stop and jump to action? The Doctor’s advice is to be the stream, and try to avoid letting the stream be you. Commit to the stream, but don’t exacerbate it.

Cancer- Not to knock prayer---which I don’t oppose, especially when heartfelt, but it’s like wishful thinking....like how many aeons did it take to even have his discussion, and notice the british spelling—classy right? From one cell to two cell, to dinos and meteors, and then primates---and what is it all worth?? I don’t know either, but my point is, is that maybe we are who we create as we see fit in the next given situation...and maybe we have control and maybe we don’t. It’s an up and down thing no matter who ya are...so---you’re so right...prayer yourself forward against all waves and choppy waters. I say, go ahead and pray. Your heart can only get stronger.

Leo- It’s good to be the king. And it’s your birthday time, so I won’t bullshit you with nonsensical prognostications that most likely have nothing to do with anything more than the rambling mind of the idiot who wrote it. The sun is literally shining through the prism of your constellation. The lion’s brilliance is glowing upon the world and our solar system, and probably out past even the centaurs and the comets, and the trans-neptunian region that holds all our dreams and subconscious intentions and lusts and visions. In the amended words of Mike Patton, happy birthday—fucker, you blow them candles out we’re gonna kiss you, kiss you. Pucker up, cake face.

Virgo- The word occasionally feels the need for two l’s and two c’s, but apparently the s’s of the world get the shaft---as usual. Howsomeever, the word suspension, with three separate and distinct s’s seems very well supported. I’m not implying, nor impugning that s’s are under utilized or disincentivized nor even disenfranchised, I mean hey---they are the key to pluralizing pretty much everything, but nonetheless, I personally, could use some more s’s. For example, possessionlessness. I have no idea what it means, but DAMN. My point is, is that currently, a priori of your upcoming birthday times, you now possess the unhinderable power to do as you wish-regarding spelling, or baking cookies, or even affecting the time continuum with your potent Viagra mind bullets. Now is the time to call any raise.

Libra- I might need to apologize in advance, but your power animal of the week is the emu. Personally, it’s one of those animals that I think about and go—yeah, that’s both weird and cool. All dino-like and flightless and way large, due to its giant australian island home, which remains affected by evolution at a slower pace. Imagine---being able to run at like 30mph. Wow, right? And…not monogamous—super cool, right? And best of all, they can kick a dingo’s ass all the way back to the aborigine spirit world. The emu is weird and underrated. Study and use the iconography of the emu---save you it can. You are a flightless bird!!

Scorpio- Posit: If I am the dreamer, then you are the dream. Wait---no…that’s not what I meant. If I am Lazarus, come from the dead, come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all…but no, we are mere peasants—on god’s farm possibly. And I’m not one to believe in a god situation, per se, but rather I’m more of the Lockean frame of mind, but still-- if I were god, I would make this multiverse so insanely and logically convoluted and perspective driven, that if you saw the whole thing at once, you’d have to wait a thousand million years before your brains were big enough to understand the message. And a message from WHO?? Or is it WHOM?? Ponder and get back to me. Time is ripe for thought experiments.

Sagittarius- Okay, so this is gross, but it’s physics and science, so strive for an open mind here---let’s say you have some spittle on your lip, and you’re at a downward angle, so gravity is doing its job, and you’re just waiting for it to snap and drop to the ground in what will hopefully be a spectacular ker-plop of spittle dropping. And the moment that strand of spittle snaps, and the bulk of it heads south, there’s a little tiny bit that snaps back and hits your lip. There’s this weird tension in the viscosity of the spittle and you get a little back at ya. Weird, right? And sciencey!  My point is, is that you’re about to enter a weird place that might seem gross and may piss you off, but ultimately, there will be a cool little snap-back action and you’ll be right as rain again.

Capricorn- Ok, so you don’t have the power to alter this particular time continuum. Sure, sometimes, it alters you, occasionally abruptly, sometimes gently and usually unexpectedly…you are but a floating inner tube, sometimes on a lake, sometimes a river and sometimes in open water as far as the eye can see. Howsomeever, I—the Pants, do have the power to affect the river of time---yes yes, it’s a burden at times, but it’s also a horrible responsibility! Anyhoo, I have directed the winds and the waters and all of the forest fires and all of the magma, as well as all of the mountains and faults and abysses to stay the frak out of your path so you may maintain a temporary degree of pure autonomy. Go now. Go big.

Aquarius- Hey and howdy, my Aquarii brothers and/or sisters: We’re at the midway point between two rare Aquarii full moons, with a new moon this past tuesday in Leo, and yes, the lions are our equal and opposite sign, so I guess we’re kind of like an inverse ROAR. Anyhoo, here’s our mission: it’s time to lose the indecision and choose a path. You can start the path at your leisure, but I would persuade you to step lively and choose boldly. Time waits for no one, why should you? And fret not, your choices will be the right ones---because while we are inbetwixt these moons, we are protected and impervious. Be free. Go big. And then go bigger.  

Pisces- I Want A New Drug, by Huey Lewis does not contain a particularly uplifting message about love. And yet, the whole point of the song is about love… I guess. Basically, the guy says, hey—I do coke, I take pills, I drink too much, and smoke whatever, which means yeah, I probably also use needles and have a questionable sexual history, but it’s you--sweet baby, that will take all that shit away and make me whole again. Personall, I think it smacks of horse shit. And I know you Pisces types are into illusion, but really? So obvious a ploy for codependance®? Unless that fulfills you, in which case I applaud you and send you on your way. Bonne chance!