Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horrorscopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)         

AS ALWAYS, I SUGGEST YOU READ YOUR OPPOSITE SIGN FOR INSIDE GENIUS. IT’S EASY, JUST COUNT SIX UP OR DOWN FROM WHERE YOUR SIGN IS, AND READ—HINT: THAT SIGN SHOULD FEEL COMPLIMENTARY…

EX: ARIES AND LIBRA. Mmmm, 6!

Aries- For some time now I feel that you’ve been playing the hawkshaw, eyeing the ground in search of clues—ideally from an elevated perspective, so as to get the proverbial bird’s eye view. Howsomeever, deal with this: as far as this Doc knows, there’s only one tree in the whole world that owns its own self. As in, this flora is the sole proprietor of its own soul, as a non-human arboreal individual. Any rate, this tree lives in Athens, Georgia and was willed its freedom by a most likely racist A-hole, who is now dead. Ironically however, this tree is a property owner, which entails certain rights under law. It’s an oak btw. As aside, do you own yourself yet? If not, I suggest you get on that. Even a tree does that. Own who you be.

Taurus- Might I suggest a medicine that you may have considered, but have put off for reasons that may not be self advantageous? Imagine when the earth was quiet, imagine when the earth didn't rumble with the machinations of man, when merely monsters of gigantic size ruled the globe, and weather and faults and magma and birdsong and desert winds, and fog and rain and frog songs that lasted from early dusk fading into the relative quiet of jungle nighttime. Go to there, preferably in a hot air balloon, so that no clawing fangs find your throat, and float like a cloud over the distant past. The real roots of our behavior come from the twisty jungle and all its different power levels. Float up, but root down.

Gemini- Allegedly, you can’t outrun a bear, so the prevailing logic is to stay put and yell at it really loud while waving your arms and acting like a loud frightened assmouth®. Which is why I advise you to carry with you for the next week, a battery powered megaphone, so that in case you meet a bear, like in the woods or at work, or while driving down La Cienega, then you can yell super loud at them, while waving your arms like a lunatic. You’ll confuse who/what ever you’re pissed at, and they’ll go away. This is not something I suggest always---diplomacy has its place, but for this one week—you’ll get more by tangling with the bear on his/her own terms.

Cancer- In a world of billions of voices, and billions more considering the flora and non-human fauna kingdoms, deciphering your individual thoughts from those of the collective unconscious, or of a societal group or nation, or planet seems to be as far away as Jupiter—which despite its innate gaseousness, Google will soon have mapped. The overpopulated world seems to invite retreat into one’s own private world, where we have enough food and room to sleep, unhindered by the needs of the many outweighing the needs of the few, or the ME. I posit this to your face: now is your ME time. Use it well and regret not a fractal of a moment. The intractable world will be there upon your return. Oh, and you should probably read Leo.

Leo- To throw some Marcus Aurelius at your face, ‘we fall in love with what (or who) we see everyday’. That said, when you’re with someone you love---and I mean truly love, whether platonic or naked sexy time or preferably both, you remember a more of who you are, deep in your cockles. Like, Oh yeah, around this person, I can be who I really am, rather than the only slightly attentive person that you may tend to be, through fault of work or circumstance or bloodline. This sounds cynical, but to throw some TS Eliot at your face, ‘there will be time, to prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet; there will be time to murder and create, and time for all the works and days of hands that lift and drop a question on your plate. Oh, do not ask, what is it? Let us go and make our visit.’

Virgo- I been thinking about you over a time, or rather over a scale of time, time at its most munificent. As well as how you’re evolving, and from where and out of what, and to where and toward what, because I’m a doctor—I’m thinking about you in the future—shit, no—as the future. I must say, your ‘scope is fantastic. Your innards, particularly your mental innards are dynamic and syncopated and—shit, it’s almost your birthday times! And not to kiss your ass with undue kindness, but shit, man—things are looking rosy for you. I’m talking possible enlightenment and very likely sexy fun times. I’m telling ya, you are the new me. Go now. Speed your plow. Be the monkey. Now is the time to take no prisoners, take no shits!

Libra- Respect for life? Sure, but I want to gut that fish. I want to eat it. And I don’t care that I toss the innards into a stew and eat them too. I drink your fish milkshake. That aside, while we strive toward vegan, as a healthy utopian blah blah, what about the plants? Do they have feelings? Or even still, do I? Should I? What if broccoli has even one emotion? Should I not chop the ever lovin crap out of it and digest its inherent nutrients? Yes. Occam. Razor. The obvious is ever sharp. What you respect may also be food—sustenance to further engender your future. Eat heartily and regret nothing. And a thank you to the Great Spirit wouldn’t hurt neither.

Scorpio- The Galilean Moons are of great import in your upcoming future times. To explicate, they are the four largest and innermost moons discovered by…yes the Galileo, via a much evolved telescope and a certain amount of inherent Aquarian brilliance. Io, Europa, Ganymede, and Callisto. Oh, and btw, outside of the usual suspect parade of usual suspects, these four bodies are the most massive in the solar system---neat, right?? Discovered, btw, in the early 1600’s. What were you doing in the early 1600’s? Nothing, I bet. Depending on your pov, re certain possible explanations about multiversal matrix-like appendages blossoming into infinifty® (see Sag…), and integral to your upcoming orbital period. Fret not, yet be prepared for a possible, yet subtle, orbital shift, probably for the better. Also, read Leo.

Sagittarius- Infinifty® (patent pending)--so hands off, wanker. I’m sorry, that wasn’t me. I mean it is me, but...I’m difficult…If we all did as our con-science dictated, then we would most likely be poor, or subject to some superior power that we are forced to believe is better, or more moral, or endowed—godlike and all puffery, I say--or whatever the frak...but I, and I suggest WE say to the powers that be---I AM INFINIFTY®, SO GO F YOURSELVES INTO A TIME HOLE, YOU STINKY UGLY JERKWADS. Wow, I feel like we both just pooped. Patent pending....MY POINT IS, is that infinifty® is your warped reality for the week. It can’t hurt you, but you may feel a little---‘ooogey’. Both nifty, and infinite. You’re like a meat salad!

Capricorn- Freedom is the watchword. I’m gonna do with it what I can…

And so should you…because freedom isn’t just another word for nothing left to lose. It’s also a symbol, a representational tide turned golden and phoenixed, and pancaked and perused by innocent bystanders and looky-loos and lookers-on. Freedom is not only used by the wise, nor by the conscious. Many of us are dumbfounded by things we see, turned inside out by external stimuli---should we fare smarter? Probably. But we’re talking about us here, not some idea of who we are---not some sigil or stamp, but who we are as human beings---distracted and in awe of this existence, which seems, to be frank—insane. Freedom. Nonsensical freedom, but freedom nonethenevertheless. Ponder that shite, yo.

Aquarius- Okay…shit. The last of our double Aquarian full moon intertwining is about to happenstance. So, there ya go….I mean, maybe something gross is about to happen, and by gross, I mean large, monumental, ecstatic and blah blah…Wait, F to the that---Be positive, I guess, cause things are about to change. At least, I think so anyway. Or, I’m still ME-- like I’m ME before the ME that was asking how the ME in ME was doing. What happened to I? How am I? Great question! I…well, I feel that…no, it’s more of a—a… well, you know—same old shit meets another chance ata future---something, hopefully resplendent and new. I say, wish gross and heartfelt, it may yet come true, fool. Also, read Leo.

Pisces- I rarely use the word apotheosis in polite company, because it smacks of deism and a reasonable worship of regular folk, who somehow get upgraded to god like status. However, despite my caution, and general wish that you won’t go overboard on this, YOU, fish-person are ready for the following, which I suggest you use as a mantra—not forever, let’s stay presumably humble, as much as you believe yourself to be anyway, but here goes: repeat this inside your mental box: NO JOB IS TOO BIG, NO FEE IS TOO BIG. Your capability levels for the next week actually meet your high standards. Go now. Ask and you shall conceive. Ask big. And read Leo.