Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                   

♈ Aries –Okay, so—planets in their orbits occasionally conjunct, like a friendly chance rendezvous. Or a not so chance meeting, in a milieu that was totally expected, but never vocalized or acknowledged—a twist of fate of—in hindsight, an abundance of obviousness to the design. Usually one doesn’t see shite of this nature coming in advance. MPH + DNA + Moore’s Law = probably more than are dreamt of in your philosophy. In closing, Horatio: conjunction, an angled meeting of large bodies, supple minds, and intersections of thighs and thigh highs—is nigh. For now, the world’s your stage, find your light, buy us a drink, and sing us a song.

♉ Taurus -Recently a globster was sighted on your pristine shoreline, just south of your medulla oblongata. A globster btw is an unidentified mass of organic material that washes landward and confuses everyone, as neurons and beachgoers struggle in vain to figure out what the hell that thing is. Is it a whale? A giant squid? The governor of New Jersey? Whatever it is, your subconscious needs you to see it, identify it, and then cleanse your beach by rolling it (the globster) gently back into the water to be reclaimed by the Piscean waters of your inner self. Weird shite from the deep—breeeeathe.

♊ Gemini –If you want to know what your week is going to be like, find the kung fu movie Champion Operation, aka Ha Lin Hang Dong. The plot is a complete mystery, the English dubbing is surreal and fantastic, and there’s hella king fu fighting throughout. It’s cinematic perfection in kung fu form.

For this week anyway, your life will imitate this art. I recommend Saturday night for beer, pizza and kung fu—and soon all the crazy future secrets will be revealed, the good guys will triumph and celebrate lavishly, till Lent anyway. Enjoy the now.

♋ Cancer –Momentum has been and is gathering, for some time now, and now is nigh. So, even though Mercury goes retrograde this week, I challenge you to see the up side of a backwards motion. Forget we not, that tidal forces are ebb AND flow, and that we are plus AND minus, sub atomically speaking—and that for all we know, this one life, OUR life is equal to and perhaps even more than any infinity. Maybe WE are all there IS. Shite, man, that’s deep SHITE. For now, until we cover this next full moon on the 14^th anyway, keep cool, lay low, and dream larger than it’s possible to be.  

♌ Leo –You are far too comfortable at aphelion, for far too long a synodic period, and some folks have been asking for you, and wondering why you’re ignoring their pleas to remedy the attention deficit of late, and why all the non-responsive textual flow of information. Look—there’s only so much lion to go around, okay? Roar and stuff. I feel like stretching and ignoring you right now. Roar. Btw, king of the jungle, so bite me. Am I Right, or am I right? Or am I right? Calmer than you are, Dude. Wise word to the feline: Come home kitty kitty. Supper is nigh and fine. For now, meow and stuff.

♍ Virgo –The multiverse is humming and purring with movement, at all possible times and in all potential directions forever all at once. The same tidal force our Moon has on us, our galaxy has on other galaxies, ebbing and flowing and vibrating on waves of energy. We’re all moving in fantastical orbits around each other—for now…theories differ on our ultimate outcome---or if there even is one. Maybe…just more space. Anyhoo, don’t over-ponder this shite, because you’ll miss the smaller orbits of the beautiful day-to-day right in front of you. This week, take a breath and order some delicious lingonberry pancakes.

♎ Libra –I can’t believe you would ever be one to twerk, for fear of upsetting your innate sense of decorum, but I’d like to discuss your current state of torque—which is inescapable and hypnotic, synodic and tidal. Torque—how physics embodies the multi dimensional mindset! I say, go ahead and exist in 3 planes at once, maybe one that’s even retroactive in some future declaration of rights, giving you total immunity now for manifestations that you will inevitably become over time. This week, don’t twerk, but rather, pleasure stretch and flex your heart and mind muscles.

♏ Scorpio –Every orbit, the Moon pulls on us, swelling us, creating distortions in our timespace continuum, giving our Earth a tidal bulge, usually right around the middle, but sending waves of change over the planet’s mass that go to opposite poles and back again as it traverses it’s machinations—changing our actual shape, which if the macro and the micro be equal, then the Moon pulls on us in the same way—warping our mass and stretching our atoms. It’s science. The upcoming full moon on the 14^th is a doosey. Wear a belt, and make sure you don’t go swimming too soon after eating. This ride is not for the woozy. Be the tide pool.

♐ Sagittarius –I suppose that because all planets have gravity, and the larger the planet, the more gravity, that our solar system does have a tangible physical effect on our literal bodies, and maybe if Jupiter say, or Saturn, at a certain set of geometric orbital points had a net effect of plus or minus on a given body, such as you or I or we, that that gravity would be a measurable thing. From a physics pov, Uranus moves me—if only slightly, but quite literally, even if only sub atomically relevant. Ponder that shite and find your geometry, find the symmetry and then…get some ice cream.  

♑ Capricorn –I sense you’ve been searching for a tool of some kind, one that will help you quiet the self applied dissonance that’s been plaguing and angrily vibrating your sub rosa and sub conscious hammer, anvil and stirrup. May I suggest the gavel? As well as an appropriate piece of marble upon which to hitteth thy polished stone or ivory…yes: something enduring and potable beyond this ‘mere’ existence. Wait—frak that, and F you. You don’t believe in fate. There are no all knowing energies controlling MY destiny. Drive upward, goat—drive, and restore order--order to your court!

Aquarius ♒ -You/We/I are/am due for an art deco kiss and a bevy of blessings, some of which may seem ironic and/or uncomfortable, but I assure you—I am a Doctor, of sorts, and I’m reasonably sure that it’s safe to proceed with your highest of ambitions—be they financial, artistic, spiritual, sexual, inescapable, gastronomical, inscrutable, or even philosophical—why, the power and corrigible authority of this lies in our wills!  Corrigible, I say!  The Sun shines through us—til the 18^th. Make most. Happy birthday.

♓ Pisces –I assume you’re familiar with samsara, so I won’t bother you with the details, but it appears that illusion, delusion and self perturbation are on the outs, and inclusion, dance parties, cruciferous vegetables, social acceptance and that fish cracker, avec the fromage—or processed cheese like something…are all on the inside track, so I guess—you’re cool, everything is coming up sushi, ala a Piscean style pizza party, no poopers allowed. Party on Garth, and freely, till equinox next.