Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

♈ Aries Consider that according to Carl Sagan, there are more stars in our universe than there are grains of sand on al the beaches on all of planet Earth. Not a small number, perhaps nearly incalculable. Consider the immense number of chemical and particle conglomerations and collisions, fissions and fusions, and timespace manifestoes that were written in our particular brane or string that led us to this moment. Oof. Ponder that shite, and have a sandwich. There’s still an infinity left to deal with. Breathe deep like Vishnu.

♉ Taurus  Some people thrive on other people telling them what to do and how to do it. Run faster, work harder, be more self critical, don’t ever stop feeling like you’re being chased by wolves at a full moon’s pace, NO MERCY! But what if your inner coach were less ballistic? Be more munificent! Grow larger of spirit and better at your game! Go at your own pace and find the groove! Nah, that would never help. Forget I said anything. I’ll just go. Or maybe give it a shot. Whatevs. 

♊ Gemini  Recently, someone broke into a remote Italian church and stole the Pope’s blood. Seriously. Apparently some weird priest thing—anyhoo, John Paul II is soon to be sainthooded—(that can’t be right…), and of course, saint blood is way more valuable than pope blood. Somebody is getting rich off pope blood. Similar weirdness is hot from the oven and about to hit your plate, and thence your pate. I suggest you ready the weird part of your brain for some exercise. The upcoming timeline is bizarro cool. 

♋ Cancer  You crabs make great metaphors. Us human types spend a great deal of time in trying to preserve the past--and the present. The less the environment changes in wild swings, the more stable our lives, hence a more path to an enlightened existence. Like crabs living off tide pools, if there were smaller tides there’d be more chance for development. But we have a large moon and a girthy tidal bulge, causing crab chaos planet-wide. The earth keeps shifting and tilting. Point your pelvis towards the motion of the ocean and learn to hula.

♌ Leo  You should do a Google image search for the clouded leopard. He is one sassy looking mammajamma, and he is your power feline of the week. The clouded leopard is the closest living thing to a saber tooth tiger because of his extra long incisors, and it’s so powerful it can hang upside down from back paws. Maybe even get a tattoo, and put it somewhere that radiates power—find your favorite chakra. It will give you power and protect you. Be the king of the jungle for a while—it’s nice. It’s time to put on your inner and too oft repressed sexy beast. Kitty wants to play.

♍ Virgo  Hic sunt dracones is Latin for here be dragons, and it was used on many an ancient map to indicate unknown seas and what they might portend. And it is into these uncharted waters that your ship of possible fools and Argonauts is nigh to set sail. Yet fret nary and not, for dragons are oft misunderstood creatures who would prefer anonymity and quiet recesstitude to naval battles caused by man’s hubris and need for the top of the food chain to be a singular one. In upcoming future oceanic or space travel, remember: Here be dragons, and fellow sentient travelers. Tread lightly.

♎ Libra  You may be about to hit upon Ernest Hemingway’s iceberg theory. The idea that only one eighth of an iceberg is above water, and the rest lies hidden for only the bravest or clumsiest souls to discover. Hemingway believed that by omitting certain parts of a story allowed the reader find their own personal meaning shining through from great depths of darkness and an author’s sometimes pointless one dimensional repartee. Grab your ice axe, and keep an eye out for hidden treasure ‘neath the roiling rolling seas.

♏ Scorpio  Panem et circenses have been occupying your Wall St. during the recent time of the roving astrological mountain goat this past January. But it’s time for the emperor to remove his clothes and get down to some Aquarian business. This Latin phrase literally means bread and circuses, which is all a leader has to provide in order to sway the public’s attention from more important matters. However, no more empty gluten and no more maligned imprisoned pachyderms in the name of entertainment. No more bullshite…at least for now. Trifles and sundries will return in spring when our hearts are apt to fill with such delights. Get naked and deal with the real.

♐ Sagittarius  Corruptissima re publica plurimae leges probably does reflect the ever present state of society, but instead let’s apply this Latin phrase to your inner governing body. Literally: when the republic is at its most corrupt the laws are most numerous. Should one remove all laws and officious dolts from power in order to free the presses and release the hounds of personal liberty? Some laws make great sense—especially those of thermodynamics. Destroy the system and your own psychological structure may collapse. I say, keep the good ones, repeal the bad ones, striking them from the record book of your heart and free your soul.

♑ Capricorn To achieve spiritual union with whatever god is, for a time, attempt to cease contemplation, and usurp the ideas writ in the text of The Cloud of Unknowing, an anonymous mystical work from the 14^th century. god cannot be reached through intellect, rather intellect is an evolutionary gift aimed at survival. Unknowing what you believe or think you know may be a first step into a larger consciousness. Before you are, from whence you think, feel and therefore un-know god. Abandon ye all hope that brains will shed light on the un-knowable. Un-think, and un-fetter all access to the divine.

Aquarius ♒ Usually the phrase ‘What about me??’ is neither welcome, nor justified. However, it’s our birthday time, the sun is literally being backed up by a chorus of Aquarian stars. So, all those desires and passions, yens and yearnings need now be called on. This is not permission to get whiny—but it is a time to repeal the prohibitions and sanctions imposed by an at times irrational governing body and mind. Whip it out, shine it up and use your soul to make love to what is usually verboten. What about me, indeed? Happy birthday, us, and enjoy today’s once a year new moon in our sign.

♓ Pisces Humans have been processing fish since Neolithic times. It’s true. Fish are yummy and in general, easy to catch. The same cannot be said of your fish oiled soul. And while you are yummy--You, the great net evader, occasional rock bottom dweller, master of underwater phosphorescence and depth acclimation are no easy catch. You bob and weave with the whole ocean sloshing around you, never really stopping, even in the calmest of waters. Swim on, you crazy diamond. The answers await you in the next wave.