Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

♈ Aries -‘Exit pursued by a bear’ is your power literary reference for the week. Here’s a quick summation of possible outcomes: 1) at random you will be attacked by a bear and chased offstage, 2) the bear is metaphorical and representative of a heretofore undisclosed to the conscious mind--fear that lies unconquered in your subconscious reptile brain possibly requiring righteous vengeance, if there is such a thing, or 3) there is no bear at all, and it’s nothing more than a ham-fisted plot device and something arguably less than a universe where every energetic interaction has a purpose no matter how seemingly inconsequential and small. I say, find your bear, don’t jive talk him--- but don’t run.

♉ Taurus - Annie Edison Taylor was the first person to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Amelia Earhart was the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic. Gertrude Ederle was the first woman to swim across the English Channel. Junko Tabei was the first woman to scale Everest. Sally Ride---first woman in space. My point to you Taurii is that regardless of your current genital situation, this is an excellent time to be the first at something unbelievable. So unbelievable in fact, that you may have to do it a second time in front of a witness for anyone to believe it. To save yourself the time, set up a camera and record your upcoming first. Maybe you’ll finally clean the bathroom. Maybe you’ll be the first person on Mars, the truth lying hopefully between those two poles. Dream big. Go bold. Grab cleaning supplies. And put on your scrubbin’ pants!

♊ Gemini - I know that World Sauntering Day---a real thing btw, isn’t til June 19^th, but dammit, your life is on cruise control down easy street, your future’s so bright it’s kind of annoying, and your mouth is writing checks that your ass can indeed cash, so much so that I recommend you put on your best pants, trousers, clam diggers, jodhpurs, knickerbockers, hammer or parachute pants, and/or hip waders or huggers and go for one hell of an amazing saunter. Saunter your ass off. You’ve earned it. Enjoy the winds of good fortune that are at your back. And don’t be alarmed if you hear passersby’s say things like--I like your ass, can I wear it as a hat? Happy birthday.

♋ Cancer - Your dazed meandering in the Wakhan Corridor is nigh at an end, a zenith, an apex, pinnacle and jumping off point for the next weird and woolly chapter in what should prove to be your riveting bio pic. I’m referring of course to a stretch of land in northern Afghanistan that served as an arbitrary geographic border betwixt the warring powers of Britain and Russia during the period known as the Great Game—basically the Cold War of the 1800’s that lasted about twice as long as its 2oth century counterpart. It is mountainous and difficult terrain and while you’ve ambled and sashayed your way through it admirably, it’s time to cross the Hindu Kush and find new ground. Rebirth Indian style awaits. Namaste.

♌ Leo - Whilst I pondered your ‘scope this week, I pictured you somewhere on the Amalfi coast, around dusk, sipping some neat hard to pronounce Italian liqueur, watching fireflies dance out ancient rituals for your pleasure, while you ponder the nature of ritual, and behavior, and hence belief. Wait. Cough. Horseshit. Cough. Delusion. Truth does not exist. Cough. Excuse me, I’ve got some bullshit up my snout. Where were we? Oh yes…belief, which I posit to be a very handy genetic trait. I believe I exist and therefore I might actually be. Yay for me. And us, the collective we, those we share belief with, like yeah I also agree to stop at red and go on green. Reversing that would be dangerous. Shite. This is part of a larger conversation. For now, let’s have a sandwich and get organized.

♍ Virgo – Orison--as in an attempt to contact a deity directly, as in prayer or ritual sacrifice or some -ism in between…is the only reason I am not a full blown atheist. For example, Kraknor the Babylonian God of Poop, is not a figure that I believe exists in real time---However, the object of the orison is not the point. The question is: can we affect the physical timespace we exist in by the power of desire and/or thought? Even if we’re praying for something that makes no sense, like I pray that my cat turns into a dragon; or I pray that I get taller. You can’t affect things that are innately inane and pointless; but what if I prayed for cancer to be cured? Or for poverty to end. These are in the realm of the possible, and maybe we can affect spacetime and the ensuing order of events. How far we can warp and wrap our wills to the task, is for you to find out. Don’t find god. God is will. Find a way. And go to there.

♎ Libra - I’m not saying you should brew a big pot of tea and then urinate in a giant circle around your encampment to keep wolves out of your territory like in Never Cry Wolf, nor should you eat anything close to 50 boiled eggs on a dare to defend your loner ostracized man-on-the-run, misanthropic anti-hero facade that makes you likeable, empathetic and trustworthy. Allegiance only to the self. Non Serviam. Wow, this got serious. What I am saying is that this week, don’t worry about satan or anybody else who claims dominion over the Underworld. It’s like airplane oxygen masks---adjust yours first, then help others.

♏ Scorpio – Nappanee, Indiana is way more notable than you can imagine. Firstly, it’s the longest city name in the US containing each letter in its name twice. Neat, right? Secondish, it seems to spawn cartoonists—six notably famous ones having been born and raised there. Thirdmost, Nappanee is probably Native American for flour. Not that neat, but okay, keep reading. Fourth estately, there has to be something absowhatly® freaking fascinating about Nappanee, IN that I’m not conveying here. Perhaps a road trip is necessary. No—too expensive—the Wabash River in summer? Outrageous! Go instead to the Nappanee in your mind; and ask for your destiny.

♐ Sagittarius - The difference betwixt exult and exalt is one of inches. One is literal, one figurative. Exult is to leap, as in joy, exalt is to praise, as in the joyful kind. Both are movements toward an expanded multiverse. My advice to you is to get your feet high up in the air--higher than any earthly remorse can affect you, higher than your biggest hopes could have hoped to achieve. In the coming days, you will be called upon both inwardly and out, to reach the stars through love and dreams and jumping as high as you can. Tonight, sleep well and dream of large women--tomorrow—orbital velocity and maximum perigee and possibly bliss.

♑ Capricorn - Your irredentist ways must come to an end. Further exploration into territories, which are in no way under your purview is an encroachment into another’s sovereignty--which if they’re cool with that, I guess go ahead and encroach, impede and squelch. But your appetite has been so fervent of late, that we’re all a bit aghast at your cash drawer discrepancies. Home is indeed where the heart is this week, so tend to the garden, as well as the rest of the inmates. The outer world can wait. For now, tend to your own and assume the rest will follow.

Aquarius ♒ - According to Intergalactic Space Law, your condo at the Forever Sunrise Apartment Complex, which lies at the border between permanent day and night on earth’s moon--due to it non-rotational nature-- your lunar condo, the one that always faces the sunrise, where the party never stops---will be undergoing moonquake upgrades for the next three weeks. So feel free to visit us back here on planet earth. We understand your need to gallivant around the multiverse, but it’s time to visit home. Multi colored party giraffes are waiting and there will be rain dances and temporary tattoos in your honour. Eat well tonight, friend, for tomorrow we dance for your pleasure. You be Kubla Khan, we be Xanadu.

And happy birthday.

♓ Pisces - Your power body of water for the week is Lake Peigneur in Louisiana. In 1980, the Diamond Crystal Salt Company made a critical error while drilling for salt beneath the lake, collapsing the lakebed and creating for a time the largest waterfall in the state—50m tall!…nearly killing a fisherman and surely a shit ton of catfish. Undiscovered beneath you is a treasure trove of something valuable. I say, poke in the wrong spot, jab where you shouldn’t and bathe deeply in whatever beauty lies untapped beneath your glittery shores. Punch through with no regrets.