Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

♈ Aries –If you catch sight of a qilin in the near future, be not afeared—he’s been looking for you. A qilin is a mythical Chinese animal that looks like a lion mixed with a unicorn but with antlers, oh and btw---it’s usually on fire. Your lucky power animal may sneak up on you, as they prefer to catch you unawares and thus unprepared. For the good luck to sink in, your meeting must not be anticipated. That said, there’s a qilin a-comin, so prepare thy face for a qilin’s bounty. Leave the black cloud you’ve been camping stoically under for a more mythically pleasing set of skies. Roar.

♉ Taurus -If one expects lucky Fortune, one may be doomed to wait for a pot that never boils because the pilot light’s out. To harvest the most luck possible, one wants to be up at bat as many times as possible--more opportunity, more potential results, more risks taken, more potential payoffs. Granted, the results could become chaotic, depending on the type of risks you risk. So, maybe caution is wise, just watching all sidelined and repressed, so as not to arouse the wrath of the envious lotus eaters of discontinuity. And shite, we’re back to the unboiling pot again. Here we go—fuck all the logic! Get up to the plate and swing for the cheap seats. And then do it some more. Aim skyward and bold and unafeared.

♊ Gemini –“Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth – more than ruin, more even than death. Thought is subversive and revolutionary, destructive and terrible; thought is merciless to privilege, established institutions, and comfortable habits; thought is anarchic and lawless, indifferent to authority, careless of the well-tried wisdom of the ages. Thought looks into the pit of hell and is not afraid. It sees man, a feeble speck, surrounded by unfathomable depths of silence; yet it bears itself proudly, as unmoved as if it were lord of the universe. Thought is great and swift and free, the light of the world, and the chief glory of man.”

–Bertrand Russell. It’s 2014, Gemini—wake up and think big.

♋ Cancer –If you’ve been chased doggedly for months by a sasquatch, a yeti, a yowie, or some prehistoric aquatic gaelic leviathan, rest assured—those things aren’t real. For monsters to exist and not been found in the 2014 is highly unlikely. Just ask those last few isolated tribes trying to live in the rainforest away from the harping and preaching of societalized zealots. We’re all over this rock like white on rice. So, lose the monkey-man ogre beasties that have been tripping you up. Walk up straight and tall and unhindered by irrelevant shite. Be monster free since 2013!

♌ Leo –In theory, if someone from the distant future showed you all the cool stuff that future science has to offer, most of the technology would seem like magic. Like showing a toaster oven to an isolated Amazon tribe. It would probably scare the açaí right out of ‘em. But thanks to obsessive movie watching, we might not be fazed at all by such future trickery. When aliens come and destroy us with ray guns, we may stand agoggedly by like tree sloths in a Breaking Bad marathon. Something to think about, right?

♍ Virgo – A crater of eternal darkness isn’t all that bad. It’s a point on any space body that never sees sunlight due to its location, probably at a low altitude. However, consider the metaphor, like craters and impact zones inside our own shadowy consciousness where we never allow sunlight, perhaps out of fear of what we may find there—or, what we may do there. But in space, these spots are ideal for space exploration—they may hold water, and they could provide shelter from the onslaught of solar radiation. My point is, is that you should warm up the rover…it’s time to take a deep dark space drive and find what’s been hiding from the light of day. (and hey, maybe read Taurus…)

♎ Libra –You may feel as if you’ve been through a period like the Late Heavy Bombardment, as Earth is theorized to have gone through about 4 billion years ago, when a high number of asteroids and comets wreaked havoc in our system, impacting our early orb with material from the far reaches of infinite space, and depositing materials forged in the hearts of nuclear furnaces. And while your consciousness may have had many such impactful meteoroids, rest assured that they are all replete with riches, from precious and heavy metals, to globe warping mind evolutions. Harvest your space rocks and find some gold.

♏ Scorpio –Don’t bother to strap in. You’re about to hit the solar flow, bro-ham. Imagine a fusion furnace like our Sun, all the energy and light it’s emitting—the solar wind. So powerful that if the Earth lost its magnetic field, we’d be cut to ribbons by its radiation, and our atmo would be vented bye bye to the empty of space to find home somewhere else down the universal timeline in a big freeze this time, and we all dissipate, and dissolve like a dining room light on a dimmer switch. For now at least, You are ejected supersonic coronal mass lighting the ‘verse moving at maximum warp. Act accordingly.

♐ Sagittarius –This week you will need to googlewhack something, maybe in order to prove a drunken barroom point, or as a true test of creative spark we all know you possess in spades. A googlewhack, btw, is a contest where you try to Google two words with no quotation marks that will yield only one hit. Language, preferably made up, is infinite. We create words all the time, language is fluid and fruity like a mai tai. You need to express something hidden, and these two nonsense words, or nonsense phrase will light the way to wisdom and the manifest destiny of your consciousness from sea to shining sea. So, go googlewhack something weird, and grok some future.

♑ Capricorn –As we move through the last of your birthday time, your upcoming week will teem and topple with statistically improbable phrases and surprising advents of calm heartbeats and gentle swaying oceans of humanity’s collective soul, who all dwell in the same morass and endangerment as the you, or the I, or the we--aware of it, but preferably not ruled by it. So, get out your lung pipes and grease those vocal chords, because your undulating ululating creaminess will create good vibes for the rest of 2014. Happy new year and happy birthday, you handsome mountain goat bastards. Torque on.

Aquarius ♒ -Finally, it is our time. Our mutual sun moves into our sign, illuminating an all too short time of year, when feeling pleasure comes more easily, and energies carom at a higher rate of creative entropy, radiating a holy warping of borealis aurorae into our collective ids. We change in the Chinese fashion, up and onto the horse this year. Regardless of your birth totem, maybe it’s time to bond equine and ride, take time to see the sights, take lay of the land and gander what it’s all about. Better that way to settle into a future we can see from the air. Perspective is everything. Happy birthday, us. (and read Taurus if you enjoy reading)

♓ Pisces –Relax, have a mango and some tea. Your happy happy fun never stops birthday time is coming up, but before that your haircut needs to stay business up front and in back. It is not mullet time---not yet. Once you attend to business and gerrymanderize your priorities and get your house of cards in order, then it will be time to mullet. You can even go party in the front and party in the back if you want, and screw business altogether, but first TCB some outstanding shite, and then you can go party in mullet town. For now, work hard, and later party heartily.