Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

♈ Aries –Your mission for the week, which may or may not bring enlightenment, but possibly bunions, is to find a rhyme for each of the following words: bulb, month, silver and angel. Here’s my advice since the task is impossible: you’re gonna have to make some shite up. The point is to open your mind and tap in to some new modalities of thought. Whip out you brain pan and ponder what might be different if you broke convention and just made shite up. Don’t take gulb, stonth, bilver or gagangel though, cause they’re mine. Merry 2014 and make up some glorious, all encompassing crazy shite. No limits.

♉ Taurus –Ironically, your equal and opposite on the wheel is Scorpio, who personifies change, the phoenix literally rising up from the ashes of what was, the eagle who rules the landscape—the penultimate symbol of change. And you, the Taurus, the bull, the unshakeable, the immovable force, beyond which nothing shall pass, stamp my feet and grrrrrrr--NONE SHALL PASS. Ironic it seems, considering your yang is the definition of metamorphosis. Merry 2014, and may all your choices be based not in obstinacy or fear or constipation, but in the crazed belief that we are not who we say we are. Roar.   

♊ Gemini –At a certain point, everyone is forced to stop believing in their own hype--either through consequence, or from regular periods of meditation and self reflection that enable the soul, the id, and the feral animal inside us all to unite and boldly plan new ventures that may prove advantageous for everyone, even the greedy lizard brain that drives our fears and carnal lusts. We’re malleable candy coated foofery® that looks more beautiful the more we stare fixedly intent upon its gaze. We are the lens, we are the portal. Forget this not: save you it can. 

♋ Cancer –Your power hors d'oeuvre of the week is the amuse-bouche, which differs from an appetizer because it is served at the option of the chef. In French, it translates to that which amuses the mouth and it can be used to give the person eating a big idea of the chef’s abilities in small bites. Depending on the chef, it could be something fancy from a parmesan pannacotta, to something simple like a plate of fermented figs, or a bowl of hot cheese and some pretzel sticks. You’re due for a serious amuse-bouche to the face and it could be here any minute. Bon appétit, tickle the tonsils and merry 2014.

♌ Leo –I don’t want to tease you, but you’re within a muggeseggele of achieving the greatest achievement out of all the achieving achievers that have ever achieved, Lebowski or otherwise. You’re gonna hit pay dirt mucho pronto, paisan, and I thought you should prepare thyself for the onslaught of yummy on the way to your honey lovin’ tummy. A muggeseggele, btw, is the approximate length of a fly’s wiener. Ergo, you’re like super close to awesome town. Just try to act surprised. In fact, I’ve said too much. Forget what you have read. Save you it can, merry 2014…

♍ Virgo – The ‘list of odd-toed ungulates by population’ is not your average Wikipedia page. It is also incomplete and arbitrary. It reeks of guttersnipe and the bilge water of disinformation that pervades the iVerse®, which I’m hereby creating and inventing as a metaphor for the sum total of experiences that the I, the royal WE, the editorial---ALL of the experiences on all cosmic and hereditary levels that are known to possibly exist according to people with lab coats and charts available for your sensual perusal. This is a new day, friend-o-liscious, so put on your hip waders—2014 is gonna get rather rhino-ish. Your future is ungulating.

♎ Libra –Your power animal for 2014 is a two tusked narwhal, named Desmond currently living in an aquatic commune off Norway. We may never truly know the true purpose of any narwhal tusk, and most have only one apiece. They may be a function of sexual attractiveness, like the mane of a lion. For all we know, they may have evolved to fight a certain kind of offworld alien that sought to invade our cold artic seas for the krill and algae populations and has since vanished. But you and your narwhal—you guys are the rare and beatified two tusker, composed of actual magic. Merry 2014, and may the cetaceans be with you. 

♏ Scorpio – Merry 2014! Your visionary environmentalist for the year is Ferdinand Cheval, a postman in 19^th century france, who was fascinated by stones and rocks that he would find on his route, and after finding one particularly engaging rock, he began to bring them home, and eventually built with his own hands, Le Palais idéal—which looks like no structure on earth—it’s Cheval’s version of the ideal palace. Yours may not be built of rock and stone, but keep your eyes to your environs this year, in order to make a perfect future for you and the ones you love. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Palais_Idéal_du_Facteur_Cheval

♐ Sagittarius –There’s a center in your happy spot, deep down, all trance and cave like, where solutions to all things exist in a void of stillness and reccessitude from the waking fears of the ego and the foolish hopes of the id and ill begotten. Your hidden holiest of holies is deep in an underwater spelunker’s paradise. You won’t need to hold your breath, just calm yourself and inspire—a natural instinct for all Sag’s. Before you shoot, you aim—but aim with your heart, aim with your innermost. The eye can deceive. Intent, becomes desire, becomes action, becomes you. Proceed accordingly and happy 2014.

♑ Capricorn –Your power cephalopod of the year (happy 2014!) is the siphon using, jet propelled Pacific Flying Squid. Congratulations, I suppose. Yet fret nary, for using the power of this probably slimy ocean dweller will empower you with the ability to squirt your way across the ocean to safety and/or new hunting grounds, or more likely to local fish pubberies® and dive bars where drunken fish tales abound and delight all underwater denizens, and not merely the likes of the lipless and gillful. Your future is sub-marine and sub rosa. Your inner ichthyologist is calling. Squirt your way to freedom!

Aquarius ♒ -No one actually buys our sweet aloofness. It reeks too much of idle loneliness, occasional apathy, and a fervent and sublimated desire for exploration of new succulent vistas and unexpected and hopefully shocking delights. Most people sniff out the world, listen to it, or fall in love through the evolution of sight, while many trumble and brumble through with brute napoleonic force. We Aquarii, We think our way through it, at times too distrustfully and cloaked in scientific abstraction, replete with reasons for this and causes for that, while the true essence of deep shite loses meaning and takes a crap in the pantry. Feel first. Ask later.

♓ Pisces –Happy 2014! To start your year off in true Pisces fashion, I will predict nothing but iridescent bejeweled daggers of fun and rockin good times that last way past sunset and proceed into the sexy cool of late night / early morning lovemaking under stars and moon and probably itching sand out of your swim suit, but still--gosh your year is going to be splendid, and sans irony which I know you’ve been hoping for, so basically just keep being you. Any other advice would be relentlessly and pointlessly banal.