Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

♈ Aries –I’m here to tell ya that you’ve had your cathexis and catharsis totally ass backwards and people are beginning to wonder. The relationship between the two can be complimentary, but the former hopefully follows the latter. A cathexis is the investment of mental or emotional energy—want, desire, id, etc, into a person, object or idea. And it can be constipated. Fixation…planted, feet to the goddam ground while the sky spins above us. And catharsis is freedom, from such things as, well…a cathexis. A wise man once said, follow your bliss—it’s the perfect season for release. Spread yourself sky-wise as the empathy would.

♉ Taurus - How beautiful is this shite, originated by the great and wise Clarke: “(1) When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. (2)The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible. (3)Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” Intelligence beatified. Imagination gently caressed by rivers of science. Your week will be replete with waters that are equal parts mystic and explicably mathematically kind.

♊ Gemini - Lately, have you felt that you’re Bruce Lee in that one movie where there was all those mirrors and a creepy old dude that seemed unkillable, and who had metal hands for some reason? Well, DON’T PANIC—I typed that in big bold letters so you’d know the deal. Check this: the mirrors are a weird metaphor for your soul, Bruce. You are blessed to know multiple realities, and you will stab the metal hands guy in the chest on of those mirrors with a freakin’ spear. Sweet-tastic action, amigo! You’re both Tango AND Cash. Big Trouble AND Little China. Ewoks AND Wookies, hombre. Bet big, go big, and then go home…and get some rest.

♋ Cancer - You’re smart, so check my posit: On a long timeline, the relationship between our understanding of self vs the ‘reality’ of self is probably a wave function that goes hither and yon in some kind of up and down cycle, with the x-y axis representing truth—whatever the frak that is. Fart, I say! Yet grok this: at times you should speak without forethought, perhaps with only the inkling of an idea about something and let your tongue ramble brainwise till it comes out; hopefully it’s genius rather than gibberish. I figure you got a 50/50 shot. Your future is neither luck nor odds. Rather flipside, your inner reptilian sensoid molecules have been evolving far longer than whatever mammal you think you are. Go big.

♌ Leo - This week you will span the gap and gamut between Godard and Goddard. The former a filmmaker who was quoted as saying, “All you need to make a movie is a gun and a girl”, and the latter, who said, “Every vision is a joke until the first man accomplishes it; once realized, it becomes commonplace.” Bear in mind the Goddard was a pioneer of rocket science and the Godard, a pioneer of movies about explosive situations and emotions using guns as a launching pad. The French guy’s a Sagittarius, and the rocketeer’s from Massachusetts. The parallel between these two geniuses is the beam you will travel. Do some research, walk the path, and we’ll discuss your findings at a café in Roswell where gravity bends to the weak nuclear force, and not the politically free for a select few.

♍ Virgo – HULK SMASH is your power phrase of the week. If you recall, the Hulk is a big green monster that smashes. Anything you throw at him makes him stronger. The angrier he gets, the stronger he gets, until he consumes the universe and crushes all physical reality into molecular crepes. HULK = SMASH. For now, you and HULK are one. Any hindrance, any unwanted habit, any obstacle that’s been taunting you with degrading expletives are now yours to HULK SMASH. MAKE YOUR ENVIRONMENT A PRODUCT OF A BETTER YOU.

♎ Libra - As our current universe expanded from a somehow measurable bang, as yet evolved energy cooled and coalesced into simple ideas like hydrogen and helium, then becoming nuclear fire and plasma and vortexes and multiverses, mirroring itself infinitely, creating new timespace in the blink of an eye. Matter evolves condensing out of furnaces of immense heat, taking billions of years to find ourselves in the now on a slowly cooling planet made from lightning hot star stuff. And from the perspective of the ‘creator’, billions of years are like a new york minute, a heartbeat, or as the Bhuddists say one inspirational breath of god. Cool your jets, jumpy jill. There is more than you’ve dreamt of, that waits for your eyes.

♏ Scorpio – Your center of chakra power this week comes from a quote, mistakenly attributed to George Washington: “Government is not reason, it is not eloquence, it is force; like fire, a troublesome servant and a fearful master. Never for a moment should it be left to irresponsible action.” The point is not to stir your secret hillbilly feelings of mistrust, but rather as a double check on the reality you do take credence in. The Supreme Council has had concerns of late that your judgment has been compromised by an interior force that may seek to repress certain parts of ego and id concerning a heartful matter. I’m just saying---make sure you’re in control of the fire, lest it singe your pretty branches.

♐ Sagittarius –I rarely give this much free space to anyone, but it’s your birthday times still and yes, we’re all still partying, but listen—for this last days of solar Sag, it’s time to get it all out of your system. I grant you temporary powers of the Grandest of Pooh Bahs, for a time you are the pen that is mightier than the sword, you are feet to the fire and you are a candle in the wind. Don’t go ape shit, but the deep end is calling for a little exploration. Ditch your tighty whities and nut up, because the water is cold and revelatory. Dive, dive deep, and divine your environs.  

♑ Capricorn –The devil lies in the details. So, am then I to infer that there’s some sort of demonic prevarication going on at some microcosmic level, possibly even subatomic, level or strata of the street map of my mind’s philosophy? That whoever this devil is, he’s making shit up, like samsara, like a dream, like a blanket that never ends that covers all of timespace? A universal blanket—that’s wrought with devilish implications and potential misstep. These details get foggier the more you focus on them. Don’t try to believe in a higher truth, just allow one to exist.

Aquarius ♒ -Use the solstice to grok something you want, even if it’s as simple as some fresh baked cookies—which are nice! Stop pretending to not want and not need because logic dictates. You risk wasting and withering away whilst turning a blind eye to the reptilian demands of the id and the soul. It’s time to mount up, and ride…and claim what is yours.

♓ Pisces – You are ripe for a Kentucky Meat Shower any second now. Before the imagery in your head turns to something unintended, let me explain. For several minutes on March 3, 1876, large chunks of raw red meat fell from the skies near Olympia, KY. Several theories exist, including buzzard related reverse peristalsis, as well as cosmic space traveling ungulates that explode upon entering earth’s atmo. Your meat shower, however, is a metaphor. The incoming meat due to rain down on your currently meatless head will be a blessing and a boon, and excellent with bbq sauce and grilled asparagus marinated in white wine. Bathe deep the meat, and reap the sweet sweet meat parade headed for your face. It does a body super good.