Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

♈ Aries –Your Gordian knot of the week may require an Alexandrian solution. The Dr. Pants senses your metaphorical bowels have been in a knot recently, and it’s the perfect time of year for unclenching. Alexander the Great’s solution to a frustrating knot was to cut the whole thing in half with a sword. However, if your knot is closer to a Kobayashi Maru situation, then pull a Kirk on it. Somehow, some way, sever the ties that bind, especially if they’re centuries old, irrelevant and require iron age weaponry. Maybe…. there… is… no… knot.

♉ Taurus –According to what may actually be a Cherokee proverb—what do I know, I found it on FB—‘There is a battle of two wolves inside us all. One is evil, anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, lies, inferiority and ego. The other is good, joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy and truth. The wolf that wins---the one you feed”. Mmmmm, deep Cherokee shite. The origin is a bit dubious—sounds kinda Lucas-y, but I’m gonna go with some pithy truth here. Your good wolf is hungry. Get on that.

♊ Gemini –One of my favorite stories about the constellation Gemini is about the two brothers Castor and Pollux. One was immortal, the other not so much. When Castor died, probably in battle, and oops it’s my brother that’s immortal—Pollux went to his big money daddy Zeus to let him share his immortality with his brother so that they could always be together. The twins went on to have many adventures and ended up marrying sisters whose father was a horse. And now they are immortalized in the heavens forever—or at least until our Earth changes neighborhoods in like 100 million years. For now, enjoy being your brother’s keeper. Fraternal and forever heavenward. Spread the love--spread it like butter on the sky.

♋ Cancer -Cancers make terrible nihilists. You guys are also terrible at atheism. The idea that nothing exists must really boil your onions. And doesn't belief have to do with perspective? Like, there's no atheists in foxholes or lifeboats...but there are plenty in comparative study of religion classes and astrophysics lecture halls. But being a cancer is like faith...there is no proof, just a feeling, one that goes down to your bones and permeates your being. Nice work if you can get it. Share with us your empathy, and quiet knowledge---we are a weary world that awaits your gentle touch.

♌ Leo -According to Carl Sagan, there are more stars in the sky than there are grains of sand on all the beaches in all the whole world. Criminy, that’s a lot of stars. Lots of nuclear gas balls flying every which way, sometimes into each other and sometimes imploding in on themselves. We ourselves are made of material forged at the center of a star. We are made of star stuff---not this crude matter. We are hydrogen and helium and chemical magic. Stretch out with your feelings, Luke. You’re connected to everything in the most deliciously unexpected ways. Open your heart, not your mouth for once, jackass.

♍ Virgo –It’s a bad omen to spill salt, which is why my mother insisted that if you did spill salt, for good luck you throw some more over your shoulder. I hope it worked. It didn’t work so well for Judas--yeah, that Judas. In Da Vinci’s The Last Supper, Judas holds a bag presumably of silver in one hand and has knocked over the salt with his elbow. If just one of those sandal wearing peripatetics had seen that sign, maybe we’d be less inclined as a society to put down those who preach nothing but love. My point is, is don’t worry about the salt or any other useless garbage piled on from superstitions past, but rather spill the love---let it flow like endless grains of sand on infinite beaches.

♎ Libra –The difference between creepy behavior and awwww, isn’t that cute, is a fine line, that if walked, should be trod carefully, for either side can result in madness and social isolation, you may even find yourself craving cat food—the wet kind, with whatever beefy bits title catches your eye first. Personally, I like anything with entrée in the title. Makes me feel like an important cat sitting down to a meal replete with finery and pomp and probably dog servants whose bark is my command. Shite—see, I just walked into creepy all over your ‘scope. Uhhhmmm…point is, is this week—full moon in Gemini--wacky wacky. So, check yourself, lest thee wreck thyself in a creepy fashion.

♏ Scorpio – We’re near the solstice, and I suggest you strap in and hold tight. The Earth does this neat little move twice a year. For six months, we’ve been tilting ever southward, bringing the top half of the planet into darkness. And for a moment, on the solstice, at this one particular instant, the Earth stops tilting and changes direction and goes the whole other way. 6,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 kilograms of rock and magma and air and people just casually changing direction in space. No biggie. When the time comes—close your eyes, make a wish, and count to three.

♐ Sagittarius –Probably because it’s your birthday time, whilst your powers are at their strongest, you will be able to pull off a crazy feat that even the likes of Mary Toft couldn’t believe. Mary Toft, btw, convinced several doctors in England in 1726 that she had given birth to rabbits. It was not pretty, nor was it hygienic. Now hear this: I’m not advising you to stuff rabbits or any other rodent in any of your special places. However, there is no whim or fancy you shouldn’t indulge. Think outside the box, and then go nuts. It’s time for your own theater of the weird. Think big.

♑ Capricorn -When astrology attempts to predict, is the same moment when science reinforces its logical hold on, well...everything. However, astrology isn't for prediction---unless the 14th century king you're working for wants a son, or else he goes to war with the french...again. Astrology can used to describe the present, and so often we are in a process of self discovery that astrology can provide some light on an already repressed subject. Speaking of repression, your sign is due for some release valve action. Tune in, turn on, and don't drop out because all you need to know is right here, right now. It’s your tomorrow, today.

Aquarius ♒ -The Aquarius female is a study in both frustration and delight. The Doc Pants’ theory is that in a relationship, the Aquarius female is the alpha, or more dominant, or wears the pants---I’m not sure that she knows that consciously tho. I also posit that two Aqaurii together should make for a good show. Speaking heterosexually, the Aquarius male is generally passive, and as long as a healthy sexual appetite is engaged, pretty much happy in the back seat, fewer decisions, fewer multiple outcomes to consider. I also posit that no one can understand us, like us. For now, just figure out who you are and give that a shot. Love is in the air.

♓ Pisces -Keep your eyes and ears to the skies and the trees this week, because a flock of good omen has been asking for you and are seeking you out to bestow good fortune upon you the likes of which you can’t possibly imagine. The fowl in question are any number of bands of wild parakeets that roam the southland, set free over the 20th century from old theme parks and pet store fire calamities, there are thousands of parakeets that live amongst us. They bring you luck and contentment. This week, open your ears and eyes for the bounty that’s all around you. Look up.