Dr. Pants McTurd's
MORE Than True Horror-scopes
(not associated
with horror or scopes of any ilk)
♈ Aries – In 1954 in Oak Grove, Al. a
meteorite crashed through the roof of Ann Hodges’ house while she lay on the couch,
and struck her in the hip. Sadly her only resulting super power was an
artificial hip that squeaked when she rumbaed. And she’s not the only person to
have been hit by a meteorite, in fact you’re more likely to be hit by a space
rock than by lightning. And I’m not bringing this up to imply that you will be
hit by falling space debris. However, that said---it wouldn’t hurt to keep an
eye to the metaphorical sky for something unexpected. It’s that time of year
for sudden change and whimsical outcroppings of good luck and good omens.
Meteor season is here and you’re due for a wild ride.
♉ Taurus – Your pithy, annoying yet
meaningless phrase for the week—which may provide some comfort or even insight
to those less cynical among us, especially true for people who take stock in
what allegedly contented people may post on social networks is: Most people think that when your life falls into place you
will find peace...BUT really, it's when you find peace that your life will fall
into place. As much as this and other schmaltzy sentiments makes the Dr. Pants’
pants itch with tripe and nonsense, imagine if it were true…peace comes first,
then everything else follows. You might just be positive enough to grasp this
silliness.
♊ Gemini –Your power quote of the week comes
from the great and deceased Bill Hicks: “Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and
love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks
on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all
of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better
ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and
instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world,
which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we
could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.”--We
miss you Bill. Use his words to find your way thru the holiday muck.
♋ Cancer –Your riddle of the week has two
possible 19th century answers, and whether you’re in the mood for
puzzles is irrelevant because sometimes that’s what life gives ya. So, why is a
raven like a writing desk? The first answer is that Poe, as in Edgar Allan,
wrote on both. The other is that both have inky quills. Yes, yes…clever. But
the riddle was coined by Lewis Carroll and intended to have no answer—just rot
and nonsense. Perhaps you can think of a third. When life gives you riddles,
make lemonade, or fake bullshit answers, or make up whatever you please—there
are far more than two answers or two sides to every thing and non-thing—far
more than might currently be dreamt of in your philosophy.
♌ Leo –There’s a reason that Aquarius and
Leo are opposite and equals on the zodiacal wheel. So I won’t bore your
pragmatic self with tales of horoscopes that promise future success, or
spiritual insight, nor unexpected wads of cash that are surely headed to your
face. The Lion is the king of the jungle for a reason—he’s conquered all other
predators, as well as the predators of the mind that would seek to unseat him
through twisted machinations of brain bending torture, that can be the undoing
of even the most fiercely logical beasts. So, to sum up—nothing interesting is
coming your way. Relax, have a smoke and a blintz, and a gander at your
favorite porn site. Everything is coming up Lion—as usual. Double ROAR.
♍ Virgo – My favorite story behind the
constellation Virgo has to do with Dikē, the goddess of the spirit of
moral order and fair judgment based on immemorial custom, in the sense of
socially enforced norms
and conventional
rules—according to Hesiod anyway. And she was sent by Zeus to earth
to keep things fair amongst mankind. And for years, she did a swell job.
Everyone lived in peace and agriculture and we were quite a glory, agrarian and
respectful. Then we invented ships, and sailing and crossing seas and invading.
Dikē was disgusted, so much so she left
for Olympus to be away from the disappointment man was to become, competitive,
warlike, and vile. Worst kids ever. Now she watches over us from the heavens.
Wow, this is a lot of info. Draw your own conclusions. They should be of a
profuse myriad of zillions upon zillions upon even more zillions and… Go now.
♎ Libra –I’m not advising you to take an axe
to anything--just yet. However, your power activist of the week is Carrie
Nation, who, if you’re unfamiliar, used to take an axe to local saloons to
discourage alcoholism, and being 6ft tall and 175lbs was a force to be reckoned
with, regardless of the efficacy of promoting temperance through property
destruction. That said, however---a metaphorical axe might be needed soon, and
considering your usually peaceful nature, might seem like a sacrilege—to axe
something that part of you may hold dear. But nature destroys all the time to
promote new growth. Look around your life. Anything need axing?
♏ Scorpio – My favorite story about the
constellation Scorpio is that because of his excessive pride, Orion the Great
Hunter had to be taken out by a giant scorpion, which impressed Zeus (speaking
of pride…), who then put Orion forever in the sky, where he’s visible in the
winter sky, but flees in the summer during scorpion season. But think not that
this silly ‘scope is about your pride. From whence does pride emerge? Probably
from power. Vanity and self love come after one realizes that he/she wields a mighty
sword—be it one of metal, insight, intellect, passion, beauty or love. I’d
never advise you to curb your enthusiasm because that’d be a waste of breath.
So fell free to go big, scorpion season is months away.
Oh, and Dave—probably read Sag—I
picked that one for you.
♐ Sagittarius –Your power
Sagittarian for the week, from whom I hope you draw a parallel and kindred
ambition, is comedian Bill Hicks—born Dec 16. In fact this quote should be all
you need to bolster your possibly sagging economy of late: “We are not bodies--that we are pure, loving spirit created by god.
That god is love and there is nothing but love, being all-encompassing, has no
opposite. You are completely forgiven on all things, there’s nothing you’ve
ever done that has ever swayed god’s pure and un-conditional love for you. And
you realize that eternity and peace and heaven is our inheritance, all of us
are going to make it there.”---- Happy Birthday, Sagittarius, and Cheers to the
Beyond!
♑ Capricorn –My favorite story about the
constellation Capricornus starts with the tasty bit that Chronos, god of all,
used to eat all of his children until his consort Rhea hid one from him, giving
him a rock wrapped up in diapers instead—which Zeus ate. Tasty, but a little
heavy I’m guessing. Anyhowdy, this saved child, named Zeus, was cared for by a
nymph named Amalthea and her pet
goat. The goat’s skin would later serve as Zeus’ shield btw. Also btw, while
playing with the goat, Zeus, then in early Clark Kent-like clumsiness, broke
off one the goat’s horns—which became the Horn of Plenty, which I think is just
supposed to dispense healthy fruit and grains—but your cornucopia…Yours puts
out all kinds of crazy good for society type shite. Nice work if you can get
it, right? Turn it to eleven.
Aquarius
♒
-Under
current theories, our DNA contains 99.3% the same DNA as Neandertals, and
whether we, or climate killed them off, or we just bred them out, I wonder what
Homo Sapiens would have been like without them. Maybe we were the ones prone to
violence. Maybe they were like hippies and were the true inventors of peace and
love and harmonic vibration that can be felt throughout the ‘verse. And whilst
we’re speculating, what if some small wild bands of pure Neandertals escaped
our pillaging of the planet, possibly even surviving to this day in Yeti or
Bigfoot form. Much to ponder here, fellow Aqua, but ponder this: what in your
mind is a misunderstood scourge to be genetically eliminated—and what should
you find peace with and make allies—possibly even lovers? Oh---and probably
read Sag—it might make you feel something…
♓ Pisces –My favorite origin story about the
constellation Pisces is that when Eros and Aphrodite were being chased by the
monster Typhon, they jumped into the river, transformed into fish and so as not
to lose each other, tied themselves together with a cord—hence the symbol of
Pisces as two fish. Is Pisces the birth of codependency? Is codependency all
that bad? Are we our brothers’ keepers? Can a human truly survive alone? I’m
guessing that’s why Pisces and Virgos end up together so often—mutual need—two
fish that want to explore, but don’t want to get lost. Find your favorite fish
friend and kiss them hard on their weird fishy fish lips.
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