Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

♈ Aries –Your power body of water for the week is Lake Peigneur in Louisiana. In 1980, the Diamond Crystal Salt Company made a critical error while drilling for salt beneath the lake, collapsing the lakebed and creating for a time the largest waterfall in the state—50m tall!…nearly killing a fisherman and surely a shit ton of catfish. Undiscovered beneath you is a treasure trove of something valuable. I say, poke in the wrong spot, jab where you shouldn’t and bathe deeply in whatever beauty lies untapped beneath your glittery shores. Punch through with no regrets.  

♉ Taurus -So wait, what? I Dream of Genie was about a freaking astronaut who found a genie? He’s a freaking astronaut, like the one guy who doesn’t need an all powerful genie. He’s a freaking astronaut, he can probably fend for himself---he’s been to freaking space. When does the little guy get a genie—besides in a Disney film with a blue Robin Williams? I don’t know if you’ll find a literal genie this week, but your odds of chancing upon a metaphorical wish granter are seriously in your favor. Make sure you have your wishes in order of importance and preference. And don’t wish for more wishes---even non-literal genies are onto that shite.

♊ Gemini –The difference betwixt exult and exalt is one of inches. One is literal, one figurative. Exult is to leap, as in joy, exalt is to praise, as in the joyful kind. Both are movements toward an expanded multiverse. My advice to you is to get your feet high up in the air--higher than any earthly remorse can affect you, higher than your biggest hopes could have hoped to achieve. In the coming days, you will be called upon both inwardly and out, to reach the stars through love and dreams and jumping as high as you can. Tonight, sleep well and dream of large women--tomorrow—orbital velocity and maximum perigee and possibly bliss.

♋ Cancer -Listening to the ice melt in my drink, my only think is about the what and where and why and how, and whether or not we have the time, the expanse of mind and empathy to unblock the shit clogged tubes of infirmity that we survive on, but rarely applaud or exalt. The vodka we  freeze, and dropping the remnants into our glass, does not include the viscosity of the liquid still clinging through weird temperature chemical bonds, which after warming, still yields a good swallow, if not a sip of alcohol, that would have been wasted, if not for science. As much as I advocate faith—this week, look to the science, and separate from the myth that which is unmistakably earthly, and drink deep.

♌ Leo –Your irredentist ways must come to an end. Further exploration into territories, which are in no way under your purview is an encroachment into another’s sovereignty--which if they’re cool with that, I guess go ahead and encroach, impede and squelch. But your appetite has been so fervent of late, that we’re all a bit aghast at your cash drawer discrepancies. Home is indeed where the heart is this week, so tend to the garden, as well as the rest of the inmates. The outer world can wait. For now, tend to your own and assume the rest will follow.

♍ Virgo – Up to a certain historical point, boobies---as in the titty type, not the avian, were primarily functional appendages, not hidden or to be afeared or ashamed, and then as society and belief developed, we added mystery and taboo and forbidden secrets--no lookie no touchie, ever ever ever, until married and in the utmost of privacies, and certainly not for public display—even if it’s being used for its functional purpose—to feed. Titillation is a later evolution. A boob is just a boob. This titular metaphor is yours for the week. Recognize with your mind’s eye, the fallacy and samsara we are all witness to—and what parts of it you can ignore. Tits up!

♎ Libra –I wonder…evolutionarily speaking—which comes first, the niche or the need for one? I’m not arguing for fate here, but consider: the multiversal creator—Vishnu, or I think he goes by Johnny-Two-Tone these days, wouldn’t waste energy and space—and time, very important stuff—to a thing that has no purpose. A thing exists because it has a role to play, otherwise why create it? What’s you role, I wonder…Self determined to be sure, but in a grander scheme—what of you? No need to decide, just wear a cool hat and be who you are—be like yourself, and remember: there is no spoon.

♏ Scorpio – Due to some carpal tunneling, I’ve been concentrating on being left handed this week—somewhat successfully. I just let my other side do the lifting, pulling, typing and twisting—everything. I let him lead—HIM, my shadow self, the other ME that waits for the right hand to make the right move. What knowledge and ability may lie in your other handedness may be a rich untapped vein. This week, focus your mind on the other side, the one that rarely gets the chance to shine, to lead and decide. It may open your mind to another weirdly different ‘verse.

♐ Sagittarius –The Giant Space Rat Invasion of 2032 is still a few years off, so let’s talk earthly vermin for a mere moment. Btw this Dr. Pants was born on the first day of the Year of the Rat in 1972. Happy New Year and Birthday to Me! Anyhoo…Chinese-ly speaking, you could be any one of 12 different animals. It’s vital you find your hidden animal guardian angel and exalt him to the utmost of your possibly rat abilities. Sag’s may be associated with horses, but there’s a bunch of weirdos in the zoo, so find yours, maybe get a tattoo and connect with whatever you are…be it rat, ox, tiger, rabbit, dragon, snake, horse, sheep, monkey, rooster, dog or pig.

♑ Capricorn -Looking to the past for truth and understanding is cool, but say rather you follow the logical evolution forward, rather than repeat the past...which does have an annoying habit of biting us in the arse. To repeat, the past does not by nature require repeating---unless you like it. In which case go ahead, do it again and again and again. But if, you want something different...you have to be something different. Be the change. Be the catalyst. The future awaits new instructions. And as usual, you’re full of ideas and other shite. Go now. Design, until your lips bleed promise.

Aquarius ♒ -The list of famous Aquarian singers is weird: Axl Rose, Bob Marley, Justin Timberlake, Mike Patton, Phil Collins and etc—mostly men, oddly. Seems to me that singing is a rare Aquarian desire or gift. It involves too much expression and soul and connection to a body that resonates with the vibrations of higher strings and multiversal harmonies, seemingly apart from the deep seated expediencies of the mind--ours racing at supersonic speeds pretty much 24/7. Or maybe, all we Aquarii should start a choir and create harmonies for the future, which no one has yet to hear. Just sayin---maybe you should warm up the pipes. Sing out loud, sing out free.

♓ Pisces –We’re all looking for those moments--where time slows down and a more resonant quality pervades the senses, as if something deeper might actually be possible, even prevalent within us, extending to all living energy in the multiverse, one breath omnipotent through and out. These moments usually occur unexpectedly, sans notice, forewarning or heads up. And their depth usually dissipates as quickly, forwarding us in time to present speed, where little moments escape like farts in the wind. This week, catch the farts--lest they disappear from your larger brain grasp area.