Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

♈ Aries –Your power muscle of the week is the pupillary sphincter! Yes---there are other sphincters. The human body has over 50 different kinds—not just the big guy downstairs! The pupillary kind help shrink the iris in bright light. Hella important. Before that muscle was invented, bright lights were dangerously painful, and now they’re just annoying. The eye sphincter changes our whole life from blinding and imperiling to nearly pleasant and not scream inducing. Use this tiny but powerful muscle as a metaphor and things will be clear as day. You can control the x-y-z axis.

♉ Taurus – There are two types of Trekkies of note—the old school and the new. The latter believes that the new Trek is the best Trek. That Chris Pine and former NBC Hero Spock are so sexually charged! The former is one who appreciates the Shatner, who abides the blasphemes of a newer Trek, one who has actually seen all the original episodes and who believes in a Roddenberry future, where everyone is equal and everyone is educated and given the best future possible through science, the ultimate sci-fi hippie genius—Gene mother fucking Roddenberry. The latter can go suck eggs. The former should inherit the earth, for we are the dreamers and we are the dreamers of dreams, forever and ever…engage. Be the Shatner.

♊ Gemini –If possession is nine tenths of the law, and two trains, one leaving Chicago at 11:30am CST, and the other leaving Jarvis Island at like one-ish on Thur, local time--whatever that is, and two strangers meet interdimensionally halfway to the bar car from opposite sides of the caboose, how do these two people, who are intrinsically soulmates, being literally part owner of the other’s heart and soul, how will these two people ever meet--on different trains, from different land masses, dancing on different strings? How? You must find the ONE. The time is now. Focus. 

♋ Cancer –This week, might makes right, so walk however you want, but carry a formidable cudgel and hey-don’t tread on me, all the whilst bearing in mind the insane delusion that we are forever under, constantly being swayed from subatomic string to multiverse engulping brane---that you---YOU are the Panama Canal, a trip to the moon within this decade, and mos def the whole damn enchilada. And I know there aren’t many Cancer atheists, so I’ll be brief and posit this: your nut sac is a mixed bag. You may have the divine right of kings, but keep your feet to the ground and aim your heart toward the path of the beam.

♌ Leo -Your recent period of glaciation and orbital decay is about to come to a splendiferous and cum splatteringly blah blah blah---ahh frak it, I can’t fool you with such hokum. Another bullshit horrorscope about shit that’s made up by some doof. I’m a pragmatist and join no clubs ever, especially those who believe in shit about the sky influencing or mirroring my fate. Fuck fate. My environment is a product of me right? Fuckin-A right. And I don’t take shit from nobody. I don’t need to tell you this, but: keep up the macho--it’s what’s for dinner.

♍ Virgo –Your proverbial junk drawer is overflowing with irrelevant crap, and regardless of your penchant for oleos and sundry itemizing, not to mention how each ridiculous item in your junk pile has a cool story about why it’s there---nevertheless and howsomeever, it’s time to separate the junk from the drawer and consequently, your cluttered mind, which has been hoarding sans reason for some time now. The junk must move on. The Dr. Pants doesn’t normally advise getting rid of chaos, but if you want room for more, it’s out with the old and in with the new…junk. Go to town. And maybe get a haircut, you’re looking a little shaggy.

♎ Libra – Your power mammal of the week is the Giant Pangolin! It’s like a combination of an armadillo, anteater and a sloth. And just like the Ecuadorian Tube Lipped Nectar Bat, they have tongues that porn stars can only dream of, that can extend up to 40cm! They curl up into a ball if they're threatened, and they have well developed problem solving skills, primarily devoted to finding food. Ants and termites--- Yum! All that hiding, armor plating and insect sucking is great, if a tad aloof. The Great Pangolin Jamboree is coming up, so I suggest you start practicing your social skills. Even an armor plated trenggiling needs to party once in awhile. Have a beer, and try the brown ants-- they're suuuuper juicy.

♏ Scorpio –The anther, my friend, is blowing in the wind. So here it is: 85% of the time it works all the time. However, due to alleged big pharma malfeasance, 24% of the time you will be 85% closer to a nervous breakdown than you were 28% ago, so try to stay to this side of the 48% of the time that over 63% of people say they experience nausea or dizziness, and the 15% of people that experience dizzy gillespianism™. I predict that you will be 100% successful at least 45% of the time, and that is 78% true. You can take 93% of that to the proverbial bank! Good luck, and bring a change of pants, the future is full of weird math and sword fighting.

♐ Sagittarius -I'm like Jessie James I don't play games
/I might stumble and mumble but I don't drop names
/Cool like a six pack two speed with a kick back
/Smooth as a felt hat, wild as a wombat
/Toppin' the roster like Roger Decoster
/Bring your girl to my party you can bet that you lost her
/'Cause I'll rap a fast style and I make it stick
’/And all the girls can tell you my tongue is quick
/I rev it to the red line to get to the good time
/The pedal's to the metal, won't slow for the stop sign 
/Can't fake it won't take it push it over the top/
Two kinds of people and I know them well
/Those who go with the flow and those who think for themselves/
So bust it make a move now you're on the attack
/I like to see you shake it when you shake it like that.---- Mmhh, yeaahh…this week, recapture your soul.

♑ Capricorn – "What an astounding thing is the voice! By what miracle is the hot magma of the earth transformed into that which we call speech? If out of clay such an abstract medium as words can be shaped what is to hinder us from leaving our bodies at will and taking up our abode on other planets or between the planets? What is to prevent us from rearranging all life, atomic, molecular, corporeal, stellar, diving? Who or what is powerful enough to eradicate this miraculous leaven which we bear within us like a seed and which, after we have embraced in our mind all the universe, is nothing more than a seed — since to say universe is as easy as to say seed, and we have yet to say greater things, things beyond saying, things limitless and inconceivable, things which no trick of language can encompass." ---Henry Miller 1941. I couldn’t have said it better, now get off the pot.

Aquarius ♒ -My feeling is you need to learn to think along different lines and therefore I prose a dare: for the next week, be left handed, or right if you already are---go the other way; maybe not in everything, but make a concerted effort in at least one area of your daily routine to be the opposite handed. It may feel weird, awkward, possibly even titillating, but I guarantee you will see the world from an opposite perspective. Everything is programming…and programming can be altered. Change the prospectus of your internal diagnostics from the inside to see change from without.

♓ Pisces – There’s an infinite amount of things we could be doing, not to mention the things we should be doing, or think we should be doing, or would be advisable if we did start doing…time is running out…I guess. I mean--we are in a limited biosphere here, what with these bodies destined to rot and all. Fuck all those things. What’s important is what you’re doing. Right? So get on with it. No regrets, no bullshit, no more excuses. Go now. Be what you’re like, be like yourself. Stop whistling in the dark.