Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                                                 

♈ Aries All white cats with blue eyes are not always deaf. But a goodly percentage of them are. All white cats with two different colored eyes, tend to be deaf in the ear next to the blue eye. Creepy, yes, but also food for thought. Posit: not all all-white cats with different colored eyes are also deaf in at least one ear. But an impressive percentage of them are. What have we learned here? That science is akin to poo poo? Possibly. That cats are egomaniacs? Yes, obviously. More blatantly put, genes do stuff, pretty much autonomously, and fuck your consent at the mercy of the governors who run this rum joint. You… are that weird eyed cat. Meow time, bitch.

♉ Taurus Intercourse, Virginville, and Blue Ball are all located in the sex obsessed state of Pennsylvania. However, I prefer to summer in Spread Eagle, Wisconsin-- your choice of fetish comes with an aged cheddar and a beer! Threeway, Virginia is also nice, if a bit exhausting. My biggest dilemma is deciding which Climax to visit... I usually end up there eventually. There's 4 Climaxes-- Georgia, Michigan, New York, and North Carolina. I wonder if in another 'verse somewhere, there's an Anticlimax? I assume it would be in Utah. So let’s meet me in Wisconsin and we'll have a go of it. Let's burn our pants and live in the wild. Be free!

♊ Gemini Even though you are the youngest earth sign, your agent the Bull is old school, circa 4300 BCE, so NOT common, right! Bull worshipping cults were deemed awesome all the way from Egypt to Assyria. The ankh, also known as the symbol of life came also into existence about that time, the ankh actually representing a bull's vertebrae. It took Charlton Heston breaking up your all night golden bull calf saturnalias to bring an end to the Age of Taurus. Luckily, the 'verse is circular-ish and one day far off, your descendants will be worshipping you all over again. Mmmmmmm-- bloodletting and zoolatry...enjoy the feast---you’ve earned it!

♋ Cancer Your acts of barbarism and carpetbagging of late have aroused the prurient interests of the local thought police, and I'm pretty sure that someone has been tailing you in an over the top red Ferrari that sticks out like a sore thumb in a wet finger contest. I'm not saying it's Magnum, but it might be, and his mustache can hella beat up your mustache. So, as your attorney, I say flee. Enjoy Venezuela and have some tajadas and miche. Maybe work on inventing a new sexy dance involving a lot of hips. Salud y tenga un buen viaje!

♌ Leo You can crack an egg, a joke, a case, a nut, a door, or a smile. You can also crack pepper. Corn is also in the realm of crack filled adventurism™, and you don't even have to give a flying fudge while you're doing it. You can crack up laughing, crack up crazy, fall through the cracks, crack under pressure, heck-- you can crack open a beer, in fact, crack two beers cause I just got here, and I like beer. But, you... You are uncrackable. You're impervious, you're granite, you're freakin' Gibraltar. You are made of super hard nuts. Stop using them to crack lame idioms, and build yourself a better oak tree.

♍ Virgo Beware the paralysis incurred by the over analysis. Or as the french say, 'if you over think think, your dink dink won't go bink bink and women will laugh and snigger.' Irregardless™, and in the style of DesCartes or even Richelieu, one must eat of human to be human, or as Napoleon claimed from Elba, "Je suis une general du je ne sais quoi." These roses are for you, Virgo, please smell them and render your opinion via text, then press the any key, and remove your pants forthwith and so forth, for the time has come and we need your leadership. Prepare for exquisite torture.

♎ Libra Animals sniff each others' butts to make sure that they're cool, and only after one's ass is determined to be friendly, can the foreplay of slobbering and ball chasing commence. All very predictable. I say, seduce your quarry by leading him/her/them to some dark boudoir where where the only thing you two/three/etc leave standing is the sweet smell of sex and sounds of passionate stroking. And do it when they least suspect it. Your unpredictability makes you lip smacking good. It also makes people willing to pay any price for what you got in your pants. Invest in your own deep pockets.

♏ Scorpio  The outlook for your occasionally humble ascendancy is exceedingly full of ordered mischief that is both profoundly profane and full of piquant misanthropy, rendering your company amusingly annoying and irradiatingly balmy. I strive to be somewhat reticent on the specificity of your sometimes querulous qualities for I know thee to be a impious knave and a slipper feet-wise, particularly regarding the devilish details, which you obsessively plow through and under. My advice---buy some new shoes, you've been walking funny, and your gait is off.

♐ Sagittarius The mind is a cantankerous and unwieldy place, that to organizize™ properly requires luck and the time to do it. Alack, what exquisite torture is the entropic life, forever upending itself both catty and kitty wampus. Organizizing™ is at best a temporary means to maintaining psychic survival. We smart apes. We remember stuff. Ay, the proverbial rub-a-dub. Two words for yous: Bath salts and soapy bubbles-- lots of 'em. Go soak your head and replenish your neurons in luxurious luxuriant luxury, and then repeat. Then fill your brain hole with love in its most gaseous form; at that speed the electrons of love move the fastest, spinning love at its highest vibration. Love remembers all, but as we apes forget to do, love always remembers with compassionate forgiveness.

♑ Capricorn  The tradition of shaving and ducking, where new sailors' are shaved and then dunked into the ocean as they cross the Tropic of Cancer, wasn't always so pleasantly frat-like. If we de-volve the practice to an earlier century, it was called keelhauling, a punishment which entailed being dragged by a rope beneath the keel of a ship, where you could either be scraped all to hell by barnacles and nearly drown, or if you were lucky, just drown. The 1500's were rough at sea, hella pirates. Luckily, you are now a mere few days away from a good friendly dunking. The waters here are empowering and will make you smell like fresh baked cinnamon raisin bread. It is a delicious delirious delirium to be even a dream to be you.

Aquarius ♒ You need to be free. You should be running fast and unfettered in the mountains where the baloney grows wild and asparagus speaks english, but with a weird lisp that makes not laughing at them a daunting challenge, and you don't want to insult them lest they curse your pee with devil smell for the rest of your days, cause they have the power to make that stick fer reals, trust me- have the broccoli, way less to deal with. Broccoli likes to be eaten. Can you blame them, who wants to be broccoli? Bullshit, I choose freedom! Who's with me?! As for you, take a trip somewhere will ya? Believe me—you need to get away, change the scenery, Dude.

♓ Pisces Soothsayers, prognosticators and purveyors of the future will often tell you that you are a divided soul, caught between two unhappy masters, whom unmerciful disaster follows fast and follows faster-- but thankfully you are about to enter a more constructive phase where everything will become clear and you will be rewarded for your fortitude. Such hokum and bunkum says to me that we all feel like the world is collapsing around us all the time, and that the promise of unity of mind, body and spirit will imminently assuage our souls and give us the peace of mind to go bravely into a new world. I, however, promise you nothing. I only wish to remind you of the delusional nature of this dualistic dimension. Good luck and enjoy fish while they still exist.