Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Future-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries –All we are is dust in the wind? The Dr Pants calls bullshite, and furtherly adds that we’re not dust, but rather former star stuff, like literally every atom that makes up you was forged inside a star and belched outward into ever colder space, which till then didn’t exist, and that as the Sagan famously said, there are more stars in the universe than there are grains of sand on all the beaches of planet Earth. That said, in our little corner of the ‘verse we got lots of planets in Leo, and lots in Scorp, dividing our efforts between fire and fire water, and it’s coming into harvest time, the Sun into Virgo—the vestalist of virgins, and a new moon also in Virgo on the 25th, hopefully making land bridges appear twixt opposing forces. We are not dust, but star dust under full solar sail.

♉ Taurus –Holding up two fingers means peace in some locales, while in others it means, ‘Up yours Frenchie, I still got my two fingers!’ You see, if an archer was captured by the opposing army, the French were known for cutting off the first two fingers of the drawing hand, eliminating all future archery. That said, the Dr Pants reccommends all earth signs to observe the incoming Virgo virgin new moon on the 25^th as a land bridge between the current celestial forces of planets in Leo and Scorpio—between fire and fire water and the hashing of things out. Use whatever fingers you have for the peace sign, there’s a bridge not too far afield and we can enjoy summer’s peak, as the world turns on. 

♊ Gemini –Truth and beauty are subjective, & consequently, a lesser fool might be better served by not choosing to be subjected to what boils down to an opinion. How does one choose to not do something? The Dr Pants also has no clue, but he also knows that quitting cigarettes almost a decade ago, made him a temporary expert at choosing to not do something, and consequently, doing something else instead—opium if ya got any, and bourbon if you don’t—just kidding, the Dr Pants only huffs paint to make it thru the day—just kidding, anything you have will do. Point is, is that you choose, by choosing differently & otherwise. Current astro climes are primed to bring your subjective desires into objective reality, like a 3-D printing machine. Choose different, choose better, then rinse and repeat. 

♋ Cancer -Lots of photons right now, as we edge into early late summer—in the northern hemi anyhoo, vitamin D building up like super hero powers in the bloodstream, shoring up walls and defending battle mounts and castles and turrets, a great wall designed to keep out barbarians that would else storm the gates—solution: no gates, no front door, just a freakin’ wall from sea to sea, fondling rivers and rubbing sweetly against unpassable mountains, finding destiny's reach all too trite, pre-planned, and isolated. This week pulls us earthbound types twixt a weird angle ‘tween Leo and Scorpio, fire and fire water—oh, and a new moon on the 25^th is in sun hoarding Virgo, the very vessel of the virgin mary martyr, oh and in 2 weeks a full moon in Pisces—expect a sweet cleanse.

♌ Leo –You’ve been perched for some time atop one weird, wild, wooly and wanton wonton, and many—no, several of your colleagues—not a small number mind you, have specifically petitioned the Dr Pants to intervene on their concerned behalves. Behalfs? Doesn’t look right, does it? Anyhoo, celestially speaking the skies are ripe for unplucking a few feathers and disposing of all false fronts, so dig out your mojo stick, dust it off, and let’s take it peacefully to the streets. Your birthday’s again another year off, but there’s still partying to be done, as there’s big planets pulling us between Leo and Scorpio—fire and fire water, and the sweet elixir of a new moon in Virgo on the 25^th, land bridging the two together and holding court. Party on, Wayne. Party on. 

♍ Virgo –Blacksmiths wear aprons for a reason, and if you’ve ever had your nethers splashed with molten metal, you’d know why. Always protect the crotch is the Dr Pants’s advice for the week. Shite tons of gravity pulling us angularly twixt planetary houses torn asunder by the seemingly disparate forces of constellular Leo, the lionhearted king of all celestial food chains—and Scorpio, professed psychedellic moonshiner, resulting in a tug of war twixt fire and fire water, and the virgin Virgo new moon on the 25^th might be the land bridge that settles all disputes. Center stage, right where you like it, and oh look, somebody’s birthday times are afoot—It’s your party and cry if you want to, but only if it gets you laid. Happy birthday, rock star, the spotlight suits your pretty face.

♎ Libra –The Dr Pants has just decided, upon conferencing with a certain Libra friend, that the relationship between Libra and its iconic scales, is not quite so balanced and harmonized, consider this posit: the constellation opposite Libra in the sky is Aries—yeah, fire, unbridled enthusiasms, and racing headlong into whatever provokes them, at times admirable qualities to be sure, but consider this further posit: that Libras like being out of balance, A) because it’s fun, and B) because it gives them a reason to use their scales, which at time of purchase were not cheap btw. Well, here’s your chance: The planets are primarily pulling us twixt Leo and Scorp—basically between fire and fire water, and the virginal Virgo new moon on the 25^th might be the land bridge that settles all disputes. In order to balance, you must first unbalance.

♏ Scorpio –A goodly percentage of this week’s up and coming celestial action resides twixt planetary houses torn asunder by the seemingly disparate forces of constellular Leo, the lionhearted king of all celestial food chains—and Scorpio, professed psychedellic moonshiner, resulting in a tug of war twixt fire and fire water, and the virgin Virgo new moon on the 25^th might be the land bridge that settles all disputes. If the Dr Pants were a Scorp right now, he’d be prepped and ready for anything. The next full moon in 2 weeks is in Pisces, and it should be a doozy, full of cleansing and load dropping. For now, focus your firewater conjure something new under a new moon and help it grow.

♐ Sagittarius –You been spoiling for a fight, just for the sake of the fight, huh? Last week’s full moon whopper in Aquarius wasn’t enough for ya, huh? Well, let’s get liquored up and enter a caber tossing contest, what say ya?? Yeah, get pumped up, let’s do it—DO IT, DO IT NOW!! That said, lots of celestial pulling and prodding from planets in Leo, and at a angle that Isaac Newton described as, ‘funky town’, to the constellation Scorpio. Fret nary, for fire and fire water actually get along quite well, especially when a sweet smelling new moon in virginal Virgo on the 25^th creates a landbridge twixt lion and scorpion not seen since an ice age ago, connecting all our targets with our mind’s eye and heart’s intention. Whatever you’re planning, it’s go time. Those arrows won’t fire themselves.

♑ Capricorn -Believe it or not, your power Capricorn of the week is the inimitable Karl Rove. Congrats? And your power Scorpio for the week is Thurlow Weed—the Rove of the 1850'-60's, who also helped get people elected…cough Van Buren, cough. And here's where the Dr Pants draws a parallel that might blow off your earthly pants: Scorps and Caps are innately adept at changing their environs to suit their needs, wishes, desires, and destinies, making their environs a product of them, exercising conscious living will over this alleged substrate of so called timespace. Current gravity in our system is lots of planetary pulling towards both Scorp and Leo—fire and fire water. But an earthly new moon on the 25^th in virginal Virgo may turn out to be a land brige that saves us all. Don’t be a Weed or a Rove—learn from their follies.

Aquarius ♒ -The Dr Pants met this fellow Aquarius chick one lazy afternoon, and while we chatted signage, she told me she believed that you could emulate, think like, even become whatever sign you wanted to. For example, that day she felt like being a Scorpio—all heated up and panting with the expectation of either imminent orgy or impending bloodsport, that would probably morph into orgy after a few drinks. The Dr Pants doesn’t necessarily ascribe to such potential folly, but who else but an Aquarius would think that up, right? You’re not in a box, and there’s a friendly Virgo new moon on the 25^th. There is neither spoon nor a box. Change your sign for a tick & ditch the box.

♓ Pisces –Quickly, before the Pisces attention span requires refocus—ooh, squirrel! Quick primer skywise: new moon on the 25^th in Virgo—your sky buddy, and dirty secret holder, and in two weeks a full moon in Pisces. Each sign only gets one per year btw. It’s basically a Pisces-Virgo orgy of celestial self congratulatory fellatio. That said, the Dr Pants calls to your short attention to the lyrics to the film Running Scared with cool 80’s opening lyrics that went thusly: ‘You gotta trust your heart when nothin’s right and never let ‘em know you’re running scared inside, you can chase that dream a thousand miles, as soon as you believe it you can make it to the end of the line.’ Happy half birthday and congrats on the Pisces love fest that lasts thru Labor Day at least.