Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horrorscopes

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(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

Quality Futurism That Doesn’t Suck!

♈ Aries- Fire! In a crowded theater! Just a heads up, that the sky’s is ablaze and aflame, fueled by frozen oxygen, resulting in a great space roller coaster ride to the stars, and countries as yet undiscovere’d. Quickly: directly behind the Sun is the constellation Leo—NO, don’t look at the sun, c’mon! Even quickerly: on the opposite side of Saturday’s full Moon is the constellation Aquarius, local astro nutjob and semi-professional mugwump—hey, sometimes you have to jump ship to save your dignity and your soul, regardless of what any nattering nabobs of negativism espouse or proselytize. To the quickest: the sky is currently a colorful cooperation betwixt creative fire and unpredictable air. Maybe wear your pull away stripper pants just to be safe. 

♉ Taurus – Now is the time to not go back to your old devices, destructive habits, ego over inflations, or imaginary idylls that shuttle you back to less than favorable times, when you thought you were someone else, while really you've been the same person the whole time, one soul inhabiting a body that does change with environ, but intrisinsically remains constant, like the flow of photons from the sun, everlasting and ancient. Think deep, and choose not just once, but over and over again, preferably towards justice and freedom. Be what you're like, be like yourself, and let the past pester you no further. Opt for a different, more advantageous philosophy. And then keep choosing it—what you believe to be science should always be questioned and modified towards greater truth.

♊ Gemini –This weekend is a block party fire sale for all air and fire signs, so get out your boogie pants, and do some stretches to prevent unwanted wreckage. Specifically: the Sun is racing thru the constellation Leo—yes, ROAR! And meanwhile on the opposite side of the Earth, Saturday’s full moon is in the constellation Aquarius—a dangerous combination for a double edged Geminian sword—Geminian sword, still sounds wrong, the Dr Pants’s point is, is that the current celestial climate suggests fire and zealotry fueled by air that’s regularly brilliant and often lost in his own house. Who knows where this train’s going. Maybe take a chance or three, ride some rails and walk an unknown earth.

♋ Cancer –Yes, the Dr Pants likes the metaphor of the crab and tides and renewals and all that jazz, but the Crab’s metaphor for this weekend’s full moon in Aquarius, under a Leo sun, is that of the cumulus, the stratocumuliform, and the infamous cirrus fibratus duplicatus. The Dr Pants is of course referering to, rather obliquely using three dollar words, to clouds—aka water molecules suspended in air and moved by air, ‘cross all lands and seas. You’re a shape shifter, not at the unpredictable whims of air, but morphing in tandem with ethereal tropospheric movement, heating up and cooling down with altitude and attitde—Look, there’s a horsey! And now, you’re a kitten playing a glockenspiel! What will you be next?? Get creative in the shape of something unexpected.

♌ Leo –The Dr Pants will presently get to your natal day tidings, but let’s quickly chat science and we’ll take off our pants and continue partying in just a sec: Behind the Sun right now is the constellation Leo—yes, ROAR—and on the opposite side of the Earth is Saturday’s full moon in tax evading Aquarius, god of all things improvised and the only celestial entity more unpredictable than even your sneaky leonine ass. Yes, astronomy is neat, isn’t it? What’s the Dr Pants’s point is? Not sure yet, the Dr is an Aquarius after all, your astro equal yet handsome opposite, so our point usually comes back around, right about… here: Full moon weekend inside your soulmate’s brain, so get in there, put on your party pants, consume the hell out of some red meat, don’t regret it, and then wash it down with your fav cocktail, then rinse and repeat. Happy continued birthday times, you FELINE beast, you king of all jungles. ROAR, bitches… ROAR, big time.

♍ Virgo –Posit: distractions, or what Weird Al might term first world problems, are everywhere, taking our thoughts away from questions that plague us all, like who am I, what am I doing here, or how far past the date are you willing to risk that marzipan flavored yogurt? At random unprepared times, you catch a flicker of a clue, or a notion of an idea about what it’s all about, and then—Raccoon!, peeking around the corner at you, unexpected—before dark even. Is it a signal, a sign, a transmission from Uranus that means to watch your ass because stepping in raccoon shite is afoot and imminent? Neigh, I say, I mean, nay, or more specifically, no. Big picture: behind the Sun—Leo, and behind Saturday’s full moon—Aquarius. Big distractions and fleeting yet deep soulful flickers of total comprehension of the big picture, answers to big questions—Ooh, Raccoon!

♎ Libra -Gold used to be just laying around in the streams of N. Amer—along with those lazy indolent salmon—big hunks of it, tectonically pushed up from its creation under immense pressure deep within the earth’s molten bowels, until inevitably, time and erosion had their way with the mountain and the pieces of gold started flowing downriver with the snowmelt. Precious gold, likely to start a fever, whose only cure—is more gold. Now, we have to mine thousands of tons of rock to get at what’s left—microscopic bits of gold lost among layers of other less valuable rubble. Until we create gold in a lab anyway, but anyhoo, the Dr Pants’s point is, is that this Saturday is a curvaceous refulgent full moon in troublemaker Aquarius. Gold is everywhere, it’s unbiquitous. No digging needed.

♏ Scorpio –Looking up the skirt of the ol’ evolutionary tree, Wo/Mankind has been hunting prey for eons, usually big meaty protein sacks like mastadons and bison, and usually under the times of a full moon—more light at night = more killing ability and heart chomping adrenaline filled blood orgies and sacrifice, right? Well, turns out, this Sat is yet another fabulous time to hunt, and since mastadon meat is super gamey, maybe shift your sanguinary desires towards questions regarding the ethereal, the spiritual, or maybe where the hell did I put the remote for the umpteenth time?? The Sun is in Leo, and on the opposite side of the Earth the moon is in Mother of Invention Aquarius, the sky is afire, afoot and ablaze with bloodlust for philsophical thought experiments. Go nuts, and bring us back something nice—but not too pricey—more kitschy.

♐ Sagittarius –Were the Dr Pants a generator of crude metaphors, he might suggest that the current astro climate for Sag’s, looks like a trip to boner town riding in a stretch limo with a hot tub in it. Quickly: if you look at the Sun—which you shouldn’t, but rather in theory, behind it, is the constellation Leo—yes, ROAR, fellow fire sign, etc—and on the opposite side of the Earth is Saturday’s full moon in Mad Hatter Aquarius, who for some reason refuses to wear pants for what he claims are ‘religious’ reasons, and to top it off even fat ass Jupiter, gas bag and wannabe sun in his own right, recently slipped into Leo spacetime. The skies are a wild Trevi fountain of cooperation betwixt unpredictable air and creative fire. Hold your breath, make a soulful wish… count to three.

♑ Capricorn –Not to alarm anyone, but Uranus is on fire. And while dunking your arse in water is a viable soultion, the Dr Pants is referring to the planet Uranus—major god btw, if you were greek, right, and incidentally the only planet named for a greek and not a roman, just fyi. Currently right behind your anus—wait, no that’s wrong—Uranus, right behind Uranus is the constellation Aries—fire, right, so the Dr Pants is merely pointing out that Uranus is on fire. Oh, and so is Jupiter and the Sun—in Leo btw—yes, ROAR—and Saturday’s full moon is in Aquarius, self admitted loafer, genius and ineffective pirate. Wtfudge is right, brougham. If you earth types get caught up in these skyward shennanigans, don’t forget to come down and maybe dunk your arse in water and cool your jets—check before you wet yourself.

Aquarius ♒ -Congratualtions to us, or rather we, the royal WE, we of Aquarian blood and spirit, this is OUR time—every sign gets one full moon per calendar year, and Sat brings a summer Sun blazing thru the constellation Leo, and the Moon, on the opposite side of our Earth sails unfettered thru the constellation Aquarius, so when you look up and see her tumescent voluptuousness, behind her is our namesake star group. Btw, going back to Babylonian times—yes, well before VHS players—Aquarius was associated with a god, considered to be the shaper of the world, the god of magic and wisdom. We’re known as the water bearer, but Aquarian agua is a metaphor for knowledge, which we drop like Galileo dropped the orange. This whole week is OUR time. Put on your spandex and use your secret super hero power in any way you see fit. And happy half birthday, good lookin.

♓ Pisces –This week, due to Saturday’s full moon in Aquarius opposite a Leo summer sun, a joke from ages ago that you didn’t get at the time, due to level of intoxication or distraction, will suddenly reappear and meaning will dawn on your brain like a conflagration of understanding and certitude, and you will be reborn—not in some flatulent religious context, but in a take off your pants and do the freedom dance context—yes, we all know you have a freedom dance, not a surprise to anyone who hangs out with your ilk. That which has been plaguing your subconscious ever since you heard that random beaver joke from a 1970’s movie and you were too young to get it, or maybe that time when your weird Uncle Stan made a ribald remark about Aunt Edna’s cankles that made cousin Larry laugh milk out his nose and left cousin Eddie’s girlfriend Rowena silently clucking her offended sensibilities. Your mind will be blown clean and clear. Get the joke and dump your load.