Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

also on Tumbler.com

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                   

♈ Aries –Okay…way, way back, Mars was a shiny red wanderer in the sky. Planets were first called wanderers because every once in a while, or say every three moon cycles—they seem to move backwards in the sky. Today, we’ve named that weird planet shite, retrograde! They only look like they’re going backwards, but really it’s just distance from our sun…point is, is that Mars is red, red means war, I guess, and hocus pocus—when angry planet goes backwards, shite meets fan! Anyhoo, it’s predictable and it happens on a cyclical basis. Just science, it’s boring, it’s just that right now, Mars is coming out of retrograde on the 19^th, red planet moving forward in the sky once again. Just sayin… Btw, read Virgo, it holds secrets and knowledge.

♉ Taurus –Okee dokee, so we got, like another week of Taurean sunlight—the time does fly, no? Oui, it does fly, and soon we’ll be radicalizing—upgrading…no, gentrifying your airspace into a Geminian sun. Geminiaian. A Gemini sun. Look, sun and light, photons, and vitamin D—oh, crap the Dr. Pants just realized that it’s still your birthday time, you late Taurean holdouts you, waiting til the last second to leap to the next island of surety and safety. For now, the Bull and its shite, get a pass, thanks to Scorpio juice cleansing your veins. Remain still within your strength, and breathe…

Btw, read Virgo, its secrets and knowledge are earthly and virginal.

♊ Gemini -Enough of the usual mumbo jumbo and ham fisted obfuscationary tactics usually employed by thwarters and usurpers who would seek to undo your laces and trip you groundward in the hopes of swaying you from a course mandated by favorable prevailing winds and a moral imperative that states this thusly: we're a week from Gemini sun time and birthdays and multiple orgasms and gluten free everything that tastes like diamonds without blood and happiness sans temper or regret. The sun readies itself for the likes of your starshine. Earthly sunlight becoming airborne. Happy almost birthday, you vixen, you cad, you jammed and cupcaked marmaladian scoundrel, covered in dipping sauce. Btw, read Virgo, knowledge lies there.

♋ Cancer –The Dr. Pants is woe to betide thee frivolously with omens of silly silly joy joy news re romance, or impending attractions, and nor if you’re already forsaken from sexual congress with others, that your union will be emblazoned across the sky for all to see and be impressed and engorged by—no, sir! The Dr. Pants is no patsy, or pastry, or whatever—I, the royal I, We—WE are not saying that right now, cosmically speaking, you are super dope and infra red, ballistic and inbound. You hot scoundrel, you cad, you bounder you! Be fruitful and multiply in all your endeavors. Time is now.

Btw, read Virgo, it might palaver with thee.

♌ Leo –Cut to: “Hey Brian, it’s springtime!—springtime in the wadi delta!” And the jackelopes are breeding, but surviving only by a thread, because you are the LION. Yes, roar! Okay fine, ROOOAAAAARRRR! … Full disclosure: The Dr. Pants may have creamed his own pants right there, which means your immediate future is not scary at all, and there’s nothing to see here. So, move along. These are so not the droids that anyone would ever look for in any circumstance, not ever, I mean c’mon, get real, man. In closing, don’t forget, you, are leonine Neo, born to transcend all dimensions, king of the jungle—king of the world! No pressure, tho. Peace out. We’re all counting on you. Btw, read Virgo, your cosmic neighbor portends stuff of import.

♍ Virgo –If you're reading these word usements, it means that you need to hear some shite about retrograde planetary action. Par example, that little pecker Mercury goes retrograde thrice per annum, and it's generally a pain in the collective arse. Planets don't literally go backwards, but it looks that way from our earthly pov, not everybody gets to orbit in a sweet spot 365, right? Anyhoo, on the 19th Mars, which only goes retrograde every couple of years, comes out of a long spell of apparent reverse motion. That said, The Dr. Pants doesn't necessarily espouse traditional astrological bullsquat, but in this case, whatever Mars represents for you, the red planet is done with the backward awkward and upstairs downstairs, and it's time to wooly bully and hully gully. Do some stretches, be prepared to move, and mos' definitely ready your groove for dope activities. Time is now.

♎ Libra -Mars is a planet, right, and from time to time due to physics and math and stuff, planets appear to be moving backwards in the sky, hence the origin of the word planet—meaning wanderer. Unlike stars and galaxies and such, planets don't move across the heavens in nice circularish movements, nor does any astronomical body within the immediate pull of our sun. And on the 19th, our reddish neighbor Mars—from our pov, comes out of a long sleep, which is a seldom—only every couple of years. Howsomeever, whatever Mars represents in your psyche, it's time to get a move on and get stoned and groovy. Btw, read Virgo, your nearby earth is a trove of treasure.

♏ Scorpio –So, right after a chthonic full moon in Scorp, we’ll see Mars passing from apparent retrograde motion, and that's the key...apparent retrograde, into 'forward' motion. Yet planets don't actually move backwards, they're stuck in an arguably fated pre determined orbits, but yet planets, aka wanderers across our heavens, they move backwards heavenwise from time to time. Yet fret nary, everything is perspective, and knowledge is merely experience guided by past data trends, so assume that as of the 19th, we will collectively and individually have warp speed capabilities. Engage... Btw, read Virgo, our virgin earth yet holds secrets.

♐ Sagittarius –Okay, so the Dr. Pants is bound by truthiness and must oblige you of the following information, but at the same time the Dr. Pants also would like to invoke immunity, for any future or potential crime, forever and on into eternity… So, you know how planets go retrograde, right, and it looks like they’re going backward in the sky—they’re not really going backward, their orbits are just different than ours—good thing too btw—big nasty buggers those gas giants are! And Mars is coming out of retrograde this week. Whatever your prey, the hunt is afoot and in full blossom.
Btw, read Virgo, virgins can air out your earthly secrets.

♑ Capricorn –Consider this physics shite: If you were a photon, as in the particle who sometimes crossdresses as a wave, even tho our ‘Verse is currently stringy—for now at least, definitions morphing all the time into whatnots and hooliganisms, if you were a photon, the journey from the sun to earth, and to your pretty face, would take no time at all, it would be instantaneous—that’s how fast light travels. Deep shite, right? But wait, there’s more: from your pov, here on earth, only moving at a fraction of the speed of light, it actually takes 8 whole earth minutes for that same photon to light up your corneas. Time = no thing? Addendum: read Virgo, because dirt is dirt and earth is finite, right?

Aquarius ♒ -We Aquarii ‘feel’ that if feelings are arbitrary, then they are not necessarily true—as if doubting the validity of our emotions is a reasonable raison d'être. Thusly the Dr. Pants posits: that female Aquarii are vastly more connected to their emotions, while male Aquarii are more attached to the intellectual approach, seemingly devoid of emotion, especially as the subject ages and hormone levels inevitably decrease...and sure the psyche tries to make up for that loss in modalities of fear, nervousness, anxiety, and generally feeling like an over-microwaved turd blossom. But even this is capital crap. WE the royal WE, are free, WE are free and clear, and free of reasonless fear, because all is possible in this here ‘Verse. Build it, and everyone will come to the party.

Btw, read Virgo, virginity is ubiquitous.

♓ Pisces –Heat waves are rarely a pleasant omen for fishy fish types. Warm waters, sure but let’s be reasonable, water is your medium, right? So, lack of humidity and arid extra dry solid state bull shite is jamming up your com-waves, and can I get an AMEN? AMEN INDEED, SAYETH HOPEFULLY SOMEBODY IN CHARGE OF THESE GALACTIC GOINGS-ONS! Seek thou rather the seashore, or natural springs, just get your ass back into water surrounded and bounded by earth and rehydrate for crap’s sake, you’re not a lizard, you’re a fish! Get to water, get a thorough soak and a saturating and come on back. No kidding: find water, talk later. Btw, for ‘clarity’ read Virgo, your equal and opposite

Dr. Pants McTurd’s

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

pantsmcturd.blogspot.com

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

♈Aries –Your power Aries icon for the week is Hoyt Axton. If you don’t know him, then you should educate the self, for he was a genius and heartfelt lyricist and singer, whose most famous contribution to ear pleasure is 'Joy to the World', about a bullfrog named Jeremiah who liked wine, and damn if he didn’t spread joy to the freaking world! Especially considering all the vocally talented Aries that the Dr. pants knows…there’s something in the air—birds, springtime, new growth, renewal, and a desire to croon and cavort like bonobos and over sexed avian alike. Let the jungle know that you came here to rock. Sing out loud, sing out free, free to be, you and me.

♉Taurus –As is apropos of Taurean sunlight time, let’s talk history: earth is made of insanely hot star stuff…mostly hydrogen and helium, not unironically they’re the lightest elements, containing only one and consecutively two electrons, and then billions and billions of years pass and we’ve cooled, but the inner core of our planet is still molten, shifting and producing magnetic fields that save our skins from not unironically—a blazing Taurean sun.

What you believe you see is only a facet of total truth. You are star stuff, so act accordingly. And happy birthday, you bully bully wooly bully!

♊Gemini –The Dr. Pants smells undeniable evidence of a bugaboo that’s been stuck craw-wise in you for some time. And no, it’s not ennui, it’s not weltschemertz. Nor is it a loup-garou, or a bête noire, but rather…something you’ve been sweeping under a proverbial rug, or—wait, that’s it! That rug really ties the room together! So, look, my little Gemi’s, it’s spring, and soon a Gemini sun, and it’s time to get off your ass and spring clean. Whether that’s your closet, your bathroom, the oven, or your double edged anima. Clear the brush, trim those hedges and scrub your neuronic pathways—luminous times approach. Maybe buy a new rug. Re-tie your room together.

♋Cancer –The sign before every water sign is an air sign, implying that astrologically speaking, solar heated air morphs into solar heated water thrice per annum. This week, the full moon reflects bold initiatively minded Taurean sunlight onto a lunar surface that floats against a background of Scorpionic stars. And soon after our sun moves into double edged Gemini flavor country, as we continue cycling thru an ancient system that we have devised, from our particular pov in the never ending cosmos. Air becomes water becomes fire becomes earth becomes air, over and over ad infinauseum®. This week, change is inevitable, and intrinsically positive.

♌Leo –The mascot for the LA Kings is a lion named Bailey. Which brings up several white elephants in the room, like Kings of the jungle…or in this case of the ice….yeah, okay, fairly thin on the metaphor, but ok, so secondly, they chose the name Bailey to honor a gentleman in the basketball world who died on 9/11, so that’s pretty cool, but the Dr. Pants’s point is, is that a leonine mascot for a winter sport, played in the desert = whaaa? You, my pointy toothed friend, have been sans mascot for too long. Please adopt a persona—doesn’t have to be a living thing btw, and when in doubt, whip out your costume and show off your best ice jig. Prance, lion, prance.

♍Virgo –The time of Taurean sunlight should remind us all that we are literally made of star stuff, that’s been cooling from the outer surface inwards for billions of years, bombarded by other star stuff adding to our bulgy superheated mass, creating trenches and mountains and tectonic whack-a-mole that seems hard to predict, especially if you consider that we’re frakking deep into Mamma Gaia, to release flammable goodies that she’s been hiding from another epoch. This be one hell of a rock we sit atop and occasionally spelunk and frak into. Use the Scorpio full moon on the 14^th to get your bearings, for there will be tons of light and lightning. 

♎Libra -Yo, an example of what not to do as a Libra is sadly, Vladimir Putin, allegedly born Oct 7….and yeah maybe he’s born the year of the dragon, which should be enough evidence to convince NATO that—look, the point is of the Dr. Pants, is that dragons are very territorial, and democracy has a different flavor, like avocado liqueur which is at the outset, seems horrifying, so let’s arm ourselves and rouse Reagan from his eternal slumber (an Aquarius btw) …unless, cooler cold war heads prevail and we allow, nay…put off…no, allay the fears of…shite. Despite certain Libran political juggernauts, we, the royal WE, have a chance to cleanse our souls with Scorpio full moon reflected Taurean sunlight, refulgent with photon cannons and trebuchets that hurl light waves. Step into the light…

♏Scorpio –Heads up, full moon in Scorp on the 14^th, so unpack your favorite luna-tic pants and find a good spot to soak up Taurean sunlight reflected off the lunar surface, riding parade float-style against a backdrop of arachnidian Scorpionic stars. The spotlight is yours to place, and it’s stronger and harder than a bad girl’s dream. Focus your power and luminosity on any dark corner you please, whether that’s your bathroom that needs cleaning, or you psyche that needs scrubbing. Wherever you go, there will be scads of light… and happy half birthday.

♐Sagittarius –Full moon in Scorpio facing a continent building Taurean solar furnace this week on the 14^th, and since Scorps are about changing the dynamics and pov’s on any given situation, how they transform themselves into what they imagine themselves to be, and how they are alchemically suited to changing wine into more wine…wait a tick—is the Dr. Pants talking about Scorp or Sag? Scorp water does morph into Sag fire, in fact all water signs change into fire. Point is, is that this is a powerful week, replete with rhapsodic interludes of mind altering etudes that carry energy on infinite wavelengths of light. Get a moon tan. Next full moon is yours—all Sag, all nite long.

♑Capricorn -To the Dr. Pants, Caps seem like Jedi’s with a bad attitude and a poor attendance record, the ones most likely to be called into Yoda’s weird tree trunk herpetologist’s wet dream of a home for a stern talking to, and even tho it’s hard to argue with a little green dude who needs a serious mani-pedi, I mean he’s been training Jedi for 900 years give or take—and who the frak are you? And you’ll never be the Sith type, you’re too empathetic despite your bluster. So just take your medicine and do what the little green ninja says. Right he is. Save you he can.

Aquarius ♒-Full moon on the 14^th, reflecting Taurean sunlight from a luna-tic satellite treading water amidst a sea of Scorpionic stars, bathing all our hidden spaces and crawlways with refulgent luminosity that sure—you could resist, and hey, the Dr. Pants is also of the Aquarii, and fully acknowledges the need, despite being an air sign, to bury in the dirt all the places we got hurt. Passivity, non violent opposition, keeping your mouth shut hoping for absolution of a world that often lacks foresight and resorts to violence far too often. This week however, big bright ass moon and inescapable light. Don’t run, just unload and forgive. Spring clean your soul.

♓Pisces –Fret not, this next week is all about you, you fishy fishmongering monkfish, you. It’s a balls deep full moon in Scorpio on the 14^th, which reflects Taurean sunlight towards our luna-tic faces, leaving us without shadows, and tossing everything up for public view. And the Dr. Pants knows how much Pisces enjoy being naked, so whatever you got, it’s time to let it all hang out loud, and hang out free. Moonlight will unburden your soul of whatever you’ve allowed to take root. Spring clean, fishy. Fret not the big waves, they swell in order to clean, heal and ameliorate a winter weary reef. 

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

also on Tumblr!

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                   

♈ Aries –Your power Aries icon for the week is Hoyt Axton. If you don't know him, then you should educate the self, for he was a genius and heartfelt lyricist and singer, whose most famous contribution to ear pleasure is 'Joy to the World', about a bullfrog named Jeremiah who liked wine, and damn if he didn't spread joy to the freaking world! Especially considering all the vocally talented Aries that the Dr. pants knows...there's something in the air—birds, springtime, new growth, renewal, and a desire to croon and cavort like bonobos and over sexed avian alike. Let the jungle know that you came here to rock. Sing out loud, sing out free, free to be, you and me.

 

♉ Taurus –As is apropos of Taurean sunlight time, let's talk history: earth is made of insanely hot star stuff...mostly hydrogen and helium, not unironically they're the lightest elements, containing only one and consecutively two electrons, and then billions and billions of years pass and we’ve cooled, but the inner core of our planet is still molten, shifting and producing magnetic fields that save our skins from not unironically—a blazing Taurean sun.

What you believe you see is only a facet of total truth. You are star stuff, so act accordingly. And happy birthday, you bully bully wooly bully!

 

♊ Gemini –The Dr. Pants smells undeniable evidence of a bugaboo that’s been stuck craw-wise in you for some time. And no, it’s not ennui, it’s not weltschemertz. Nor is it a loup-garou, or a bête noire, but rather…something you’ve been sweeping under a proverbial rug, or—wait, that’s it! That rug really ties the room together! So, look, my little Gemi’s, it’s spring, and soon a Gemini sun, and it’s time to get off your ass and spring clean. Whether that’s your closet, your bathroom, the oven, or your double edged anima. Clear the brush, trim those hedges and scrub your neuronic pathways—luminous times approach. Maybe buy a new rug. Re-tie your room together.

 

♋ Cancer –The sign before every water sign is an air sign, implying that astrologically speaking, solar heated air morphs into solar heated water thrice per annum. This week, the full moon reflects bold initiatively minded Taurean sunlight onto a lunar surface that floats against a background of Scorpionic stars. And soon after our sun moves into double edged Gemini flavor country, as we continue cycling thru an ancient system that we have devised, from our particular pov in the never ending cosmos. Air becomes water becomes fire becomes earth becomes air, over and over ad infinauseum®. This week, change is inevitable, and intrinsically positive.

 

♌ Leo –The mascot for the LA Kings is a lion named Bailey. Which brings up several white elephants in the room, like Kings of the jungle...or in this case of the ice....yeah, okay, fairly thin on the metaphor, but ok, so secondly, they chose the name Bailey to honor a gentleman in the basketball world who died on 9/11, so that's pretty cool, but the Dr. Pants's point is, is that a leonine mascot for a winter sport, played in the desert = whaaa? You, my pointy toothed friend, have been sans mascot for too long. Please adopt a persona—doesn't have to be a living thing btw, and when in doubt, whip out your costume and show off your best ice jig. Prance, lion, prance.

 

♍ Virgo –The time of Taurean sunlight should remind us all that we are literally made of star stuff, that’s been cooling from the outer surface inwards for billions of years, bombarded by other star stuff adding to our bulgy superheated mass, creating trenches and mountains and tectonic whack-a-mole that seems hard to predict, especially if you consider that we’re frakking deep into Mamma Gaia, to release flammable goodies that she’s been hiding from another epoch. This be one hell of a rock we sit atop and occasionally spelunk and frak into. Use the Scorpio full moon on the 14^th to get your bearings, for there will be tons of light and lightning. 

 

♎ Libra -Yo, an example of what not to do as a Libra is sadly, Vladimir Putin, allegedly born Oct 7....and yeah maybe he's born the year of the dragon, which should be enough evidence to convince NATO that—look, the point is of the Dr. Pants, is that dragons are very territorial, and democracy has a different flavor, like avocado liqueur which is at the outset, seems horrifying, so let's arm ourselves and rouse Reagan from his eternal slumber (an Aquarius btw) …unless, cooler cold war heads prevail and we allow, nay...put off...no, allay the fears of...shite. Despite certain Libran political juggernauts, we, the royal WE, have a chance to cleanse our souls with Scorpio full moon reflected Taurean sunlight, refulgent with photon cannons and trebuchets that hurl light waves. Step into the light…

 

♏ Scorpio –Heads up, full moon in Scorp on the 14^th, so unpack your favorite luna-tic pants and find a good spot to soak up Taurean sunlight reflected off the lunar surface, riding parade float-style against a backdrop of arachnidian Scorpionic stars. The spotlight is yours to place, and it’s stronger and harder than a bad girl’s dream. Focus your power and luminosity on any dark corner you please, whether that’s your bathroom that needs cleaning, or you psyche that needs scrubbing. Wherever you go, there will be scads of light… and happy half birthday.

 

♐ Sagittarius –Full moon in Scorpio facing a continent building Taurean solar furnace this week on the 14^th, and since Scorps are about changing the dynamics and pov’s on any given situation, how they transform themselves into what they imagine themselves to be, and how they are alchemically suited to changing wine into more wine…wait a tick—is the Dr. Pants talking about Scorp or Sag? Scorp water does morph into Sag fire, in fact all water signs change into fire. Point is, is that this is a powerful week, replete with rhapsodic interludes of mind altering etudes that carry energy on infinite wavelengths of light. Get a moon tan. Next full moon is yours—all Sag, all nite long.

 

♑ Capricorn -To the Dr. Pants, Caps seem like Jedi’s with a bad attitude and a poor attendance record, the ones most likely to be called into Yoda’s weird tree trunk herpetologist’s wet dream of a home for a stern talking to, and even tho it’s hard to argue with a little green dude who needs a serious mani-pedi, I mean he’s been training Jedi for 900 years give or take—and who the frak are you? And you’ll never be the Sith type, you’re too empathetic despite your bluster. So just take your medicine and do what the little green ninja says. Right he is. Save you he can.

 

Aquarius ♒ -Full moon on the 14^th, reflecting Taurean sunlight from a luna-tic satellite treading water amidst a sea of Scorpionic stars, bathing all our hidden spaces and crawlways with refulgent luminosity that sure—you could resist, and hey, the Dr. Pants is also of the Aquarii, and fully acknowledges the need, despite being an air sign, to bury in the dirt all the places we got hurt. Passivity, non violent opposition, keeping your mouth shut hoping for absolution of a world that often lacks foresight and resorts to violence far too often. This week however, big bright ass moon and inescapable light. Don’t run, just unload and forgive. Spring clean your soul.

 

♓ Pisces –Fret not, this next week is all about you, you fishy fishmongering monkfish, you. It’s a balls deep full moon in Scorpio on the 14^th, which reflects Taurean sunlight towards our luna-tic faces, leaving us without shadows, and tossing everything up for public view. And the Dr. Pants knows how much Pisces enjoy being naked, so whatever you got, it’s time to let it all hang out loud, and hang out free. Moonlight will unburden your soul of whatever you’ve allowed to take root. Spring clean, fishy. Fret not the big waves, they swell in order to clean, heal and ameliorate a winter weary reef. 

 

Send

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

also on Tumblr!

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                   

♈ Aries –Your power Aries icon for the week is Hoyt Axton. If you don't know him, then you should educate the self, for he was a genius and heartfelt lyricist and singer, whose most famous contribution to ear pleasure is 'Joy to the World', about a bullfrog named Jeremiah who liked wine, and damn if he didn't spread joy to the freaking world! Especially considering all the vocally talented Aries that the Dr. pants knows...there's something in the air—birds, springtime, new growth, renewal, and a desire to croon and cavort like bonobos and over sexed avian alike. Let the jungle know that you came here to rock. Sing out loud, sing out free, free to be, you and me.

♉ Taurus –As is apropos of Taurean sunlight time, let's talk history: earth is made of insanely hot star stuff...mostly hydrogen and helium, not unironically they're the lightest elements, containing only one and consecutively two electrons, and then billions and billions of years pass and we’ve cooled, but the inner core of our planet is still molten, shifting and producing magnetic fields that save our skins from not unironically—a blazing Taurean sun.

What you believe you see is only a facet of total truth. You are star stuff, so act accordingly. And happy birthday, you bully bully wooly bully!

♊ Gemini –The Dr. Pants smells undeniable evidence of a bugaboo that’s been stuck craw-wise in you for some time. And no, it’s not ennui, it’s not weltschemertz. Nor is it a loup-garou, or a bête noire, but rather…something you’ve been sweeping under a proverbial rug, or—wait, that’s it! That rug really ties the room together! So, look, my little Gemi’s, it’s spring, and soon a Gemini sun, and it’s time to get off your ass and spring clean. Whether that’s your closet, your bathroom, the oven, or your double edged anima. Clear the brush, trim those hedges and scrub your neuronic pathways—luminous times approach. Maybe buy a new rug. Re-tie your room together.

♋ Cancer –The sign before every water sign is an air sign, implying that astrologically speaking, solar heated air morphs into solar heated water thrice per annum. This week, the full moon reflects bold initiatively minded Taurean sunlight onto a lunar surface that floats against a background of Scorpionic stars. And soon after our sun moves into double edged Gemini flavor country, as we continue cycling thru an ancient system that we have devised, from our particular pov in the never ending cosmos. Air becomes water becomes fire becomes earth becomes air, over and over ad infinauseum®. This week, change is inevitable, and intrinsically positive.

♌ Leo –The mascot for the LA Kings is a lion named Bailey. Which brings up several white elephants in the room, like Kings of the jungle...or in this case of the ice....yeah, okay, fairly thin on the metaphor, but ok, so secondly, they chose the name Bailey to honor a gentleman in the basketball world who died on 9/11, so that's pretty cool, but the Dr. Pants's point is, is that a leonine mascot for a winter sport, played in the desert = whaaa? You, my pointy toothed friend, have been sans mascot for too long. Please adopt a persona—doesn't have to be a living thing btw, and when in doubt, whip out your costume and show off your best ice jig. Prance, lion, prance.

♍ Virgo –The time of Taurean sunlight should remind us all that we are literally made of star stuff, that’s been cooling from the outer surface inwards for billions of years, bombarded by other star stuff adding to our bulgy superheated mass, creating trenches and mountains and tectonic whack-a-mole that seems hard to predict, especially if you consider that we’re frakking deep into Mamma Gaia, to release flammable goodies that she’s been hiding from another epoch. This be one hell of a rock we sit atop and occasionally spelunk and frak into. Use the Scorpio full moon on the 14^th to get your bearings, for there will be tons of light and lightning. 

♎ Libra -Yo, an example of what not to do as a Libra is sadly, Vladimir Putin, allegedly born Oct 7....and yeah maybe he's born the year of the dragon, which should be enough evidence to convince NATO that—look, the point is of the Dr. Pants, is that dragons are very territorial, and democracy has a different flavor, like avocado liqueur which is at the outset, seems horrifying, so let's arm ourselves and rouse Reagan from his eternal slumber (an Aquarius btw) …unless, cooler cold war heads prevail and we allow, nay...put off...no, allay the fears of...shite. Despite certain Libran political juggernauts, we, the royal WE, have a chance to cleanse our souls with Scorpio full moon reflected Taurean sunlight, refulgent with photon cannons and trebuchets that hurl light waves. Step into the light…

♏ Scorpio –Heads up, full moon in Scorp on the 14^th, so unpack your favorite luna-tic pants and find a good spot to soak up Taurean sunlight reflected off the lunar surface, riding parade float-style against a backdrop of arachnidian Scorpionic stars. The spotlight is yours to place, and it’s stronger and harder than a bad girl’s dream. Focus your power and luminosity on any dark corner you please, whether that’s your bathroom that needs cleaning, or you psyche that needs scrubbing. Wherever you go, there will be scads of light… and happy half birthday.

♐ Sagittarius –Full moon in Scorpio facing a continent building Taurean solar furnace this week on the 14^th, and since Scorps are about changing the dynamics and pov’s on any given situation, how they transform themselves into what they imagine themselves to be, and how they are alchemically suited to changing wine into more wine…wait a tick—is the Dr. Pants talking about Scorp or Sag? Scorp water does morph into Sag fire, in fact all water signs change into fire. Point is, is that this is a powerful week, replete with rhapsodic interludes of mind altering etudes that carry energy on infinite wavelengths of light. Get a moon tan. Next full moon is yours—all Sag, all nite long.

♑ Capricorn -To the Dr. Pants, Caps seem like Jedi’s with a bad attitude and a poor attendance record, the ones most likely to be called into Yoda’s weird tree trunk herpetologist’s wet dream of a home for a stern talking to, and even tho it’s hard to argue with a little green dude who needs a serious mani-pedi, I mean he’s been training Jedi for 900 years give or take—and who the frak are you? And you’ll never be the Sith type, you’re too empathetic despite your bluster. So just take your medicine and do what the little green ninja says. Right he is. Save you he can.

Aquarius ♒ -Full moon on the 14^th, reflecting Taurean sunlight from a luna-tic satellite treading water amidst a sea of Scorpionic stars, bathing all our hidden spaces and crawlways with refulgent luminosity that sure—you could resist, and hey, the Dr. Pants is also of the Aquarii, and fully acknowledges the need, despite being an air sign, to bury in the dirt all the places we got hurt. Passivity, non violent opposition, keeping your mouth shut hoping for absolution of a world that often lacks foresight and resorts to violence far too often. This week however, big bright ass moon and inescapable light. Don’t run, just unload and forgive. Spring clean your soul.

♓ Pisces –Fret not, this next week is all about you, you fishy fishmongering monkfish, you. It’s a balls deep full moon in Scorpio on the 14^th, which reflects Taurean sunlight towards our luna-tic faces, leaving us without shadows, and tossing everything up for public view. And the Dr. Pants knows how much Pisces enjoy being naked, so whatever you got, it’s time to let it all hang out loud, and hang out free. Moonlight will unburden your soul of whatever you’ve allowed to take root. Spring clean, fishy. Fret not the big waves, they swell in order to clean, heal and ameliorate a winter weary reef.

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                   

♈ Aries –The question you will face this week regards zombies, which the Dr. Pants assumes are being developed by the military for use as a weapon or maybe just a deterrent, but the question will be this, and we need a decently solid answer if we’re to survive the zombie viral pandemic of 2019—keep that on the DL btw, no need to panic the masses before it’s time to panic. So…here’s the big question: do zombies watch porn? Does the recent condom law apply to zombies?? Furtherly, will zombie porn push regular human porn out of the San Fernando valley? What of valley porn? What of it?? Fight the future!! 

♉ Taurus –Your power birthday creature of the week is the tardigrade! Congratulations, I guess, and felicitous natal blessings upon all you bulls. A tardigrade btw, is a water dwelling segmented micro-animal. They’re a teensy .5mm in length and can survive at temps at nearly absolute zero! Which, if you seen regular zero, the absolute is indeed far more intense—just imagine the pressure that water would have to be to get to absolute zero. Oy vay, right? Life is springtime and burgeoning, and able to survive at ridiculous depths—driven to survive, because even if there is no actual god, there is this one ever changing moment of NOW. Happy birthday—your current market conditions are bullish to an absolutely absurd degree.  

♊ Gemini –Nihilism is such bull crap, right? They believe in nothing? Do they believe in dark matter? The Dark Side, what? It’s exhausting ignoring your innate beliefs, and tenets and dogmas and rituals, be they religiously oriented or nay, more to the obsessive compulsive side, repetitive stress injury sort of thing… The Dr. Pants’s point is, is that belief is hard wired into our genes, we ooze belief because it’s a brilliant paradigm for an advantageous evolution that has treated us decently, despite wars and plagues and Lucas retooling Star Wars. Belief is inescapable. Whatever you believe—pretend it’s a pool, and don’t think, just dive.

♋ Cancer –Have you been hiding from the recent eclipse cycle and solar new year deep inside the innards of a palazzo of a Lombard collector? If so, it’s time to dub your movie back into english, and restore, rejuvenate, and yes, you’re still smokin’. Warm seas and inviting breezes are calling, and hibernation is officially kaput and kybosh’d®. The beach, the water, all of the liquid world is sloshing itself into the coming frenzy of an impending solstice, the world’s oceans just roiling with life and an insistence that mankind merely believes that he/she/we are the top of the food chain, but that SHE is far more powerful, more ancient, and crikey—gave birth to all us monkey bipeds. This week, seek thou the big Mamma Earth.

♌ Leo –You know what the Dr. Pants hates most? No, it’s not avocado pancakes—it’s red lights. RED makes him so angry! Whats with all the stopping? We’re in a car that is designed, built and literally driven to MUTHER FRAKKING GO, am I right?? Okay, frak, let’s cool the collective jets—and wait, were we talking about the Dr. Pants, or the Leos aka you? Yes, YOU, the royal You, the editorial—metaphorically speaking, from now til your natal celebrations and equinox next, don’t stop believin’, take only yes for an answer and knock on doors til your knuckles bleed red with the blood of the never say die King of the Yunque. Find your inner Puerto Rico. Caress your roots and build a temple that will make your neighbor’s temple look like a pile of puke. And unfortunately, you will have to stop at some reds, dammit.

♍ Virgo –This week, you will meet a short handsome stranger. He, she, or whatever you kinky Virgins are into, this handsome stranger will incite your hopped up brainial area with a thousand ideas at once, regarding the past, the NOW moment, and the ever evolving future, and hopefully who’s going to win the next SuperBowl—besides the fans—we’re always winners! The Dr. Pants’s point is, is that a chance encounter—and yes, all encounters have an equal probability of chance—I guess, sort of… Okay, maybe forget I told you about the stranger—which is likely, knowing your ilk—boozy booze booze, am I right? So, in conclusion, nothing will happen this week. What droids? Move along.

♎ Libra –the first time the Dr. Pants laid eyes ‘pon a Libra sun, it were a scandalous delight, reminiscent of—why does reminiscent contain the word scent? Ah yes, your natural recently bathed self is resplendent and difficult to nail down, in earthly terms. The Pants am reminded of a beach, somewhere near Nice, Fr, coastally refulgent with good vibes and wine that induces lounging, transposed over centuries and eons of pondering and palavering until we arrive coincidentally at this moment. Libra = air. Air necessitates inspiration. Breathe, and repeat, and no thing could even dream of obfuscating or getting all up in your junk. L'anarchie et l'entropie, mais avec compassion. Respirer et puis répétez, s'il vous plaît, mon ami.

♏ Scorpio –The stage is yours for the next little while. We’re approaching the one time of year containing a Scorpio full moon that just recently began with a partial eclipse new moon, under rejuvenating Taurean sunlight. In fact, posit thusly: Taurean sunlight, enfirmed and embiggened with the heat and vibrancy of eternal life in an eternally endless multiverse, well… shite, that’s right up your bowling alley. Nigh, your moon will be buxom and clearly cratered and hella spot lit, right after the sun just reminded us who’s really in charge of lighting this particular corner of the ‘verse. Now is the time to be the lightning, time to the forward the Light Brigade. Into the valley of eternal life, rode the six hundred. This NOW—this now, is your time.

♐ Sagittarius –I sense that the astral equine in you is attempting to bolt and head for more heavenly skies, but this Dr. Pants urges restraint only up till the last possible second, when no one could be expected to hold back a spilling forth of divine earthly bliss. Play smart rather than desperate, for it will reward you in the long and shortest of terms. Grab your reins and save expedience for another day. That said………….Abandon ALL restraints and withholdings. They mean squat diddly poop farts. Restrain thyself ONLY if necessary to protect & serve a greater good or the family jewels. Elsewise, mount up and ride, ride until you’re done. 

♑ Capricorn –Earth. One of the old school elements. Posit this: how long did it take our current species to transmogrify their environs into understanding of their environs, and eventually toward some hope of controlling those environs and, well…taking over and engendering more and more intricate beliefs systems, dominating the food chain, and potentially the entire continuum, with our incessant need to create THE NEXT MOMENT, AND TO FOSTER A FUTURE OF INTENDED DELIGHTS? It took many millions of years. Don’t worry about it. You were built for this mountain, you silly billy goat. Lots of sunlight, go climb—climb up.

Aquarius ♒ -This recent eclipse cycle is the perfect time to discuss your penchant for a recent dalliance into the self fulfilling samsara of the paraklausithyron, aka in ancient troubadourian lingo, a lover’s lament at a door. Point is, is that the Dr. Pants is not so subtly implying that for too long you’ve been clinging to the comforting blankie of something or someone that you thought contained a gravity that, well…had a perfect orbit to fall into. So why has it been fighting you? The Dr. Pants suggests, finding another door, or maybe a wormhole, to a same or similar end, or maybe toward a brighter star. All roads lead to heaven, or at least the next ‘verse. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. Think around the corner.

♓ Pisces -You put the lever in clever and the pickle in the tickle. And the Dr. Pants doesn’t need to you the inform the likes of you, you fishy fish fry you, that the party in your pants, professional or otherwise, is bright and burgeoning, pulsating and archetypically erect, engorged with the lifeblood of a billion billion billion googolplex of gentalia, all firing in unison for an almost uncomfortable period of time, but mos def, soul cleansing—like a soul enema. You clever lever, you. Despite recent setbacks, you’re in prime shape for some ass kicking and name dropping to achieve an absurdly bright and immediate future that will explode to the face and amaze balls. Surf’s up. It’s way up.