Dr. Pants McTurd's
MORE Than True Horror-scopes
also on Tumblr!
(not associated with
horror or scopes of any ilk)
♈ Aries –Your power Aries icon for
the week is Hoyt Axton. If you don't know him, then you should educate the
self, for he was a genius and heartfelt lyricist and singer, whose most famous
contribution to ear pleasure is 'Joy to
the World', about a bullfrog named Jeremiah who liked wine, and damn if he
didn't spread joy to the freaking world! Especially considering all the vocally
talented Aries that the Dr. pants knows...there's something in the air—birds,
springtime, new growth, renewal, and a desire to croon and cavort like bonobos
and over sexed avian alike. Let the jungle know that you came here to rock.
Sing out loud, sing out free, free to be, you and me.
♉ Taurus –As is apropos of Taurean
sunlight time, let's talk history: earth is made of insanely hot star stuff...mostly
hydrogen and helium, not unironically they're the lightest elements, containing
only one and consecutively two electrons, and then billions and billions of
years pass and we’ve cooled, but the inner core of our planet is still molten,
shifting and producing magnetic fields that save our skins from not
unironically—a blazing Taurean sun.
What you believe you see is
only a facet of total truth. You are star stuff, so act accordingly. And happy
birthday, you bully bully wooly bully!
♊ Gemini –The Dr. Pants smells undeniable evidence
of a bugaboo that’s been stuck craw-wise in you for some time. And no, it’s not
ennui, it’s not weltschemertz. Nor is it a loup-garou, or a bête noire, but rather…something you’ve been
sweeping under a proverbial rug, or—wait, that’s it! That rug really ties the
room together! So, look, my little Gemi’s, it’s spring, and soon a Gemini sun,
and it’s time to get off your ass and spring clean. Whether that’s your closet,
your bathroom, the oven, or your double edged anima. Clear the brush, trim
those hedges and scrub your neuronic pathways—luminous times approach. Maybe
buy a new rug. Re-tie your room together.
♋ Cancer –The sign before every water sign is an air
sign, implying that astrologically speaking, solar heated air morphs into solar
heated water thrice per annum. This week, the full moon reflects bold
initiatively minded Taurean sunlight onto a lunar surface that floats against a
background of Scorpionic stars. And soon after our sun moves into double edged
Gemini flavor country, as we continue cycling thru an ancient system that
we have devised, from our particular pov in the never ending cosmos. Air
becomes water becomes fire becomes earth becomes air, over and over ad
infinauseum®. This week, change is inevitable, and intrinsically positive.
♌ Leo –The mascot for the LA Kings
is a lion named Bailey. Which brings up several white elephants in the room,
like Kings of the jungle...or in this case of the ice....yeah, okay, fairly
thin on the metaphor, but ok, so secondly, they chose the name Bailey to honor
a gentleman in the basketball world who died on 9/11, so that's pretty cool,
but the Dr. Pants's point is, is that a leonine mascot for a winter sport,
played in the desert = whaaa? You, my pointy toothed friend, have been sans
mascot for too long. Please adopt a persona—doesn't have to be a living thing
btw, and when in doubt, whip out your costume and show off your best ice jig.
Prance, lion, prance.
♍ Virgo –The time of Taurean sunlight should remind
us all that we are literally made of star stuff, that’s been cooling from the
outer surface inwards for billions of years, bombarded by other star stuff
adding to our bulgy superheated mass, creating trenches and mountains and
tectonic whack-a-mole that seems hard to predict, especially if you consider that
we’re frakking deep into Mamma Gaia, to release flammable goodies that she’s
been hiding from another epoch. This be one hell of a rock we sit atop and
occasionally spelunk and frak into. Use the Scorpio full moon on the 14th
to get your bearings, for there will be tons of light and lightning.
♎ Libra -Yo, an example of what not
to do as a Libra is sadly, Vladimir Putin, allegedly born Oct 7....and yeah maybe he's
born the year of the dragon, which should be enough evidence to convince NATO
that—look, the point is of the Dr. Pants, is that dragons are very territorial,
and democracy has a different flavor, like avocado liqueur which is at the
outset, seems horrifying, so let's arm ourselves and rouse Reagan from his
eternal slumber (an Aquarius btw) …unless, cooler cold war heads prevail and we
allow, nay...put off...no, allay the fears of...shite. Despite certain Libran
political juggernauts, we, the royal WE, have a chance to cleanse our souls
with Scorpio full moon reflected Taurean sunlight, refulgent with photon cannons
and trebuchets that hurl light waves. Step into the light…
♏ Scorpio –Heads up, full moon in Scorp on the 14th,
so unpack your favorite luna-tic pants and find a good spot to soak up Taurean
sunlight reflected off the lunar surface, riding parade float-style against a
backdrop of arachnidian Scorpionic stars. The spotlight is yours to place, and
it’s stronger and harder than a bad girl’s dream. Focus your power and
luminosity on any dark corner you please, whether that’s your bathroom that
needs cleaning, or you psyche that needs scrubbing. Wherever you go, there will
be scads of light… and happy half birthday.
♐ Sagittarius –Full moon in Scorpio facing a continent
building Taurean solar furnace this week on the 14th, and since
Scorps are about changing the dynamics and pov’s on any given situation, how
they transform themselves into what they imagine themselves to be, and how they
are alchemically suited to changing wine into more wine…wait a tick—is the Dr.
Pants talking about Scorp or Sag? Scorp water does morph into Sag fire, in fact
all water signs change into fire. Point is, is that this is a powerful week,
replete with rhapsodic interludes of mind altering etudes that carry energy on infinite wavelengths of light. Get a moon
tan. Next full moon is yours—all Sag, all nite long.
♑ Capricorn -To the Dr. Pants, Caps seem like Jedi’s
with a bad attitude and a poor attendance record, the ones most likely to be
called into Yoda’s weird tree trunk herpetologist’s wet dream of a home for a
stern talking to, and even tho it’s hard to argue with a little green dude who
needs a serious mani-pedi, I mean he’s been training Jedi for 900 years give or
take—and who the frak are you? And you’ll never be the Sith type, you’re too
empathetic despite your bluster. So just take your medicine and do what the
little green ninja says. Right he is. Save you he can.
Aquarius
♒ -Full moon on the
14th, reflecting Taurean sunlight from a luna-tic satellite treading
water amidst a sea of Scorpionic stars, bathing all our hidden spaces and
crawlways with refulgent luminosity that sure—you could resist, and hey, the
Dr. Pants is also of the Aquarii, and fully acknowledges the need, despite
being an air sign, to bury in the dirt all the places we got hurt. Passivity,
non violent opposition, keeping your mouth shut hoping for absolution of a
world that often lacks foresight and resorts to violence far too often. This
week however, big bright ass moon and inescapable light. Don’t run, just unload
and forgive. Spring clean your soul.
♓ Pisces –Fret not, this next week is all about you,
you fishy fishmongering monkfish, you. It’s a balls deep full moon in Scorpio
on the 14th, which reflects Taurean sunlight towards our luna-tic
faces, leaving us without shadows, and tossing everything up for public view.
And the Dr. Pants knows how much Pisces enjoy being naked, so whatever you got,
it’s time to let it all hang out loud, and hang out free. Moonlight will
unburden your soul of whatever you’ve allowed to take root. Spring clean,
fishy. Fret not the big waves, they swell in order to clean, heal and
ameliorate a winter weary reef.
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