Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr. Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

also on Tumbler.com

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                   

♈ Aries –Okay…way, way back, Mars was a shiny red wanderer in the sky. Planets were first called wanderers because every once in a while, or say every three moon cycles—they seem to move backwards in the sky. Today, we’ve named that weird planet shite, retrograde! They only look like they’re going backwards, but really it’s just distance from our sun…point is, is that Mars is red, red means war, I guess, and hocus pocus—when angry planet goes backwards, shite meets fan! Anyhoo, it’s predictable and it happens on a cyclical basis. Just science, it’s boring, it’s just that right now, Mars is coming out of retrograde on the 19^th, red planet moving forward in the sky once again. Just sayin… Btw, read Virgo, it holds secrets and knowledge.

♉ Taurus –Okee dokee, so we got, like another week of Taurean sunlight—the time does fly, no? Oui, it does fly, and soon we’ll be radicalizing—upgrading…no, gentrifying your airspace into a Geminian sun. Geminiaian. A Gemini sun. Look, sun and light, photons, and vitamin D—oh, crap the Dr. Pants just realized that it’s still your birthday time, you late Taurean holdouts you, waiting til the last second to leap to the next island of surety and safety. For now, the Bull and its shite, get a pass, thanks to Scorpio juice cleansing your veins. Remain still within your strength, and breathe…

Btw, read Virgo, its secrets and knowledge are earthly and virginal.

♊ Gemini -Enough of the usual mumbo jumbo and ham fisted obfuscationary tactics usually employed by thwarters and usurpers who would seek to undo your laces and trip you groundward in the hopes of swaying you from a course mandated by favorable prevailing winds and a moral imperative that states this thusly: we're a week from Gemini sun time and birthdays and multiple orgasms and gluten free everything that tastes like diamonds without blood and happiness sans temper or regret. The sun readies itself for the likes of your starshine. Earthly sunlight becoming airborne. Happy almost birthday, you vixen, you cad, you jammed and cupcaked marmaladian scoundrel, covered in dipping sauce. Btw, read Virgo, knowledge lies there.

♋ Cancer –The Dr. Pants is woe to betide thee frivolously with omens of silly silly joy joy news re romance, or impending attractions, and nor if you’re already forsaken from sexual congress with others, that your union will be emblazoned across the sky for all to see and be impressed and engorged by—no, sir! The Dr. Pants is no patsy, or pastry, or whatever—I, the royal I, We—WE are not saying that right now, cosmically speaking, you are super dope and infra red, ballistic and inbound. You hot scoundrel, you cad, you bounder you! Be fruitful and multiply in all your endeavors. Time is now.

Btw, read Virgo, it might palaver with thee.

♌ Leo –Cut to: “Hey Brian, it’s springtime!—springtime in the wadi delta!” And the jackelopes are breeding, but surviving only by a thread, because you are the LION. Yes, roar! Okay fine, ROOOAAAAARRRR! … Full disclosure: The Dr. Pants may have creamed his own pants right there, which means your immediate future is not scary at all, and there’s nothing to see here. So, move along. These are so not the droids that anyone would ever look for in any circumstance, not ever, I mean c’mon, get real, man. In closing, don’t forget, you, are leonine Neo, born to transcend all dimensions, king of the jungle—king of the world! No pressure, tho. Peace out. We’re all counting on you. Btw, read Virgo, your cosmic neighbor portends stuff of import.

♍ Virgo –If you're reading these word usements, it means that you need to hear some shite about retrograde planetary action. Par example, that little pecker Mercury goes retrograde thrice per annum, and it's generally a pain in the collective arse. Planets don't literally go backwards, but it looks that way from our earthly pov, not everybody gets to orbit in a sweet spot 365, right? Anyhoo, on the 19th Mars, which only goes retrograde every couple of years, comes out of a long spell of apparent reverse motion. That said, The Dr. Pants doesn't necessarily espouse traditional astrological bullsquat, but in this case, whatever Mars represents for you, the red planet is done with the backward awkward and upstairs downstairs, and it's time to wooly bully and hully gully. Do some stretches, be prepared to move, and mos' definitely ready your groove for dope activities. Time is now.

♎ Libra -Mars is a planet, right, and from time to time due to physics and math and stuff, planets appear to be moving backwards in the sky, hence the origin of the word planet—meaning wanderer. Unlike stars and galaxies and such, planets don't move across the heavens in nice circularish movements, nor does any astronomical body within the immediate pull of our sun. And on the 19th, our reddish neighbor Mars—from our pov, comes out of a long sleep, which is a seldom—only every couple of years. Howsomeever, whatever Mars represents in your psyche, it's time to get a move on and get stoned and groovy. Btw, read Virgo, your nearby earth is a trove of treasure.

♏ Scorpio –So, right after a chthonic full moon in Scorp, we’ll see Mars passing from apparent retrograde motion, and that's the key...apparent retrograde, into 'forward' motion. Yet planets don't actually move backwards, they're stuck in an arguably fated pre determined orbits, but yet planets, aka wanderers across our heavens, they move backwards heavenwise from time to time. Yet fret nary, everything is perspective, and knowledge is merely experience guided by past data trends, so assume that as of the 19th, we will collectively and individually have warp speed capabilities. Engage... Btw, read Virgo, our virgin earth yet holds secrets.

♐ Sagittarius –Okay, so the Dr. Pants is bound by truthiness and must oblige you of the following information, but at the same time the Dr. Pants also would like to invoke immunity, for any future or potential crime, forever and on into eternity… So, you know how planets go retrograde, right, and it looks like they’re going backward in the sky—they’re not really going backward, their orbits are just different than ours—good thing too btw—big nasty buggers those gas giants are! And Mars is coming out of retrograde this week. Whatever your prey, the hunt is afoot and in full blossom.
Btw, read Virgo, virgins can air out your earthly secrets.

♑ Capricorn –Consider this physics shite: If you were a photon, as in the particle who sometimes crossdresses as a wave, even tho our ‘Verse is currently stringy—for now at least, definitions morphing all the time into whatnots and hooliganisms, if you were a photon, the journey from the sun to earth, and to your pretty face, would take no time at all, it would be instantaneous—that’s how fast light travels. Deep shite, right? But wait, there’s more: from your pov, here on earth, only moving at a fraction of the speed of light, it actually takes 8 whole earth minutes for that same photon to light up your corneas. Time = no thing? Addendum: read Virgo, because dirt is dirt and earth is finite, right?

Aquarius ♒ -We Aquarii ‘feel’ that if feelings are arbitrary, then they are not necessarily true—as if doubting the validity of our emotions is a reasonable raison d'être. Thusly the Dr. Pants posits: that female Aquarii are vastly more connected to their emotions, while male Aquarii are more attached to the intellectual approach, seemingly devoid of emotion, especially as the subject ages and hormone levels inevitably decrease...and sure the psyche tries to make up for that loss in modalities of fear, nervousness, anxiety, and generally feeling like an over-microwaved turd blossom. But even this is capital crap. WE the royal WE, are free, WE are free and clear, and free of reasonless fear, because all is possible in this here ‘Verse. Build it, and everyone will come to the party.

Btw, read Virgo, virginity is ubiquitous.

♓ Pisces –Heat waves are rarely a pleasant omen for fishy fish types. Warm waters, sure but let’s be reasonable, water is your medium, right? So, lack of humidity and arid extra dry solid state bull shite is jamming up your com-waves, and can I get an AMEN? AMEN INDEED, SAYETH HOPEFULLY SOMEBODY IN CHARGE OF THESE GALACTIC GOINGS-ONS! Seek thou rather the seashore, or natural springs, just get your ass back into water surrounded and bounded by earth and rehydrate for crap’s sake, you’re not a lizard, you’re a fish! Get to water, get a thorough soak and a saturating and come on back. No kidding: find water, talk later. Btw, for ‘clarity’ read Virgo, your equal and opposite