Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr Pants McTurd's

MORE Than True Horror-scopes

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(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                   

♈ Aries –If of late you’ve felt like an untended bonsai tree, that’s grown far past the socially accepted level of personal bushiness, then fret never, for spring is here, and it’s time to not only clean your house, but it’s HIGH time you trimmed the hedges. We’re fully into Gemini sun, Mars is past the doldrums of retrograde sludge, where conscience is made coward and resolution impaled on a pale cast of thought. Neither words nor deeds should be minced, but served al dente, al fresco even. You go, tiger, get what you want. The multiverse is conspiring to help you from all possible angles.

♉ Taurus –The birthday times are once again 11 months away, hope you had fun, but now let’s get down to cases shall we? Ahh, spring…plant the crops, plan a camping trip, maybe start exercising again…and oh yes—CLEANING, SPRING CLEANING! Your favorite! The Dr Pants rarely gives homework, but tough shite: clean something, anything, and don’t hire someone to clean for you, that’s self defeating cheating. Clean, and scrub, on hands and knees if necessary. By the time you’re done, and all’s nice & shiny, so too will your conscience and thusly, your soul. Clear the cobwebs, clear your mind.  

♊ Gemini –Well, now you’ve done it. Mars just ended a seldom embarked upon retrograde cycle, and the sun is fully backed by the Cosmic Federal Reserve emphasizing Geminian starlight. Gemininian…Whatever, point is, is that you’ve got a full tank of gas, the butt warmer in the seat has been preheated, your driving gloves fit perfectly, and your itchy trigger foot has the greenest of lights, so hit it, Dude, and don’t quit it til you’re satisfied and too tired to go on. Then rest up & hit it some more, and don’t quit it til at least month’s end. Mercury is also in Gemini, so it’s like a giant Gemini orgy, and you’re on top—both of you. Happy birthday, you bootlegging scamp.

♋ Cancer –The line betwixt carpetbagging and bootlegging is a mile wide and hard to dismiss. The former is deluded, thinking the locals won’t kick your ass, and the latter might not befriend you governmentally, but it sure will endear you to the people, the common folk, the 99%. Full disclosure: The Dr Pants is not telling you to attempt bathtub gin and probably setting fire to the neighborhood, no. Liquor is well regulated and just costs money—go to the store. What the Dr Pants is advising is to bootleg the nectar of the gods, a sweet elixir that flows from the mountain tops of Xanadu, Kubla Khan Juice, baby—whip up some sweet enlightenment and liberally salve it on a loved one, and don’t carpetbag—invest locally and conscientiously.  

♌ Leo –The Dr Pants had this whole ‘scope for ya about how relevant the planet Jupiter is to your daily existence, what with all the mass and cultural significance, like why did we name Jupiter after the king of all the gods, when the Sun is standing like right there? And how both Jupiter and the Sun pull on the Earth as well as your leonine self, at times in opposite directions and occasionally in the same direction, and how those lines of force, and the gravity wells that are much larger than yours, whether it’s a planet or a person, and how you might deal with an upcoming orbital shift. And then, I remembered you’re a pragmatist, and the Dr Pants thought, Lion don’t need no help, he’s the king, baby. He’s the King. On land anyway… Bonne chance!

♍ Virgo –Okay, hang on: way way way way out in space is something called the Oort Cloud, and it’s massive, and it spits off comets and space rocks and gas and dust and all sorts of shite. The Oort is way past the obit of Pluto, way way far, and lucky for us, there’s big dudes like Uranus and Saturn and of course, the rock star—Jupiter in between us and the Oort. Jupiter’s gravity well is so large that many of the Oort’s flying shite gets sucked in there, rather than landing in downtown Pasadena. Altho, tell that to the Yucatan, right? Point is, is that here on earth it’s spring and the skies are active, and conspiring to protect you, so go after what you want. He/she who hesitates might not be lost, and they’ll have to wait for the next perihelion.

♎ Libra –This week, under an ambitious Gemini sun, buffeted by molten Mercury also in Gemini, and after a recent release from retrograde hell, we have Mars, in Libra btw, gaining speed in our sky every night, anxious to make like Ricky Bobby, and go fast. Point is, is that air sign types might get a little breezy and we just might make upper atmo by June. Whatever you want—for now anyway, just ask. The multiverse is conspiring to help you, and matter really isn’t so solid, and maybe what seems like magic is merely a more subtle flow of energy than our sensors can penetrate. Get to a vehicle—be it car, career, passion, forgotten dreams, whatever… and go fast.

♏ Scorpio –Scorps are good at espousing their own godliness—check this posit: our wee corner of the multiverse is still cooling from a massive Big Bang, that created every thing and non-thing, like, ever, right, but if the Dr Pants were god, he’d go a little more Shiva—not one ‘verse, but uncountable ‘verses. Further posit: Fire symbolizes creation, the multiverse is born of fire, and Scorps are water that likes the heat, heat means change, Scorpio transforms from air (Libra) and hence into fire (Sag), and perhaps water is the source—the universal solvent indeed. Shite… It’s spring, a perfect time for creation and other follies. Invoke the Phoenix, then rise and disseminate.

♐ Sagittarius –I’m assuming you can smell it on the air right now. The nuclear force of the Sun just crossed into Gemini starlight and Mars is no longer on a retrograde opioid binge, in Libra btw, go figure—all backward and besotted and bewildered as to what to do next. You know the track, and you’re at the gate. There’s a reason this is horse racing season and there’s a reason that you’re half horse—astrologically and historically speaking, and the Dr Pants doesn’t know what those reasons are, but he does know—It’s time to ride, ride like the wind, and be free again. Equines to the ready!  

♑ Capricorn –You bet, the Dr Pants also fucking loves science, check this posit: The Sun is big balls massive, right, it can fit 1.3 million earths inside of it, and not even belch. And it’s pulling on us. Its gravity well is just a wee bit bigger than ours, and essentially, we’re falling into the sun—luckily that takes a while. And the point that old school astrology wants to make is that the group of stars behind our Sun has just transited to the constellation Gemini. That ‘random’ group of stars is now pulling on the Sun, and pulling us towards Gemini as well. What does it all mean?? It’s like a mosh pit out there! Find a Gemini, tell them happy birthday, and then kiss them on the mouth like you mean it.

Aquarius ♒ -If you don’t already own a pair, go out and buy, either new or used, a pair of Action Pants, the kind you feel comfortable in, that hug your crotch just right—Because it’s Boogie Time. Our Sun just moved into an airy Geminian compliment… Gemininian(?)—whatever, and Mars just came out of a rare nap and no longer resembles a lost planet moving backwards against the flow of star traffic in the night sky. And it’s spring! Loins everywhere are fired up and ready for action. Action Pants. Get some. Put them on. Then use your ideologies to embiggen the world & empleasure your crotch.

♓ Pisces –The buried treasure that YOU WILL FIND, is imminent, but not nigh. In the meantime, the Dr Pants recommends meditating on the following: “Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga…gunga, gunga-lagunga. So we finish the 18^th, and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, “Hey Lama, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.” And he says, “Oh, uh there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you’ll receive total consciousness.” So, YOU got that going for ya—which is nice. Despite the waves, the ocean is a patient place. Be calm and search your feelings. Build up to it, and treasure will appear unbidden and perfectly timed.