Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

also on Tumblr !

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

                                                               

♈ Aries –Everything changes, changes all the time in fact. Changes so frakking much that the NOW seems like an absurd phenomenon that we observe mindlessly, like Easter, or any other outmoded religious ritual, that previously defined us, binding us to nothing, bringing us to atheism, to existence sans purpose. What a pisser. And yeah, science and proof, and yet, wait—we should fret nary and never, for imagine—what an infinite multiverse must portend and endow? There are more things in heaven and earth, than are dreamt of—so far anyway. Drop your doubts and dream farther, it can only embiggen you. Get to an air sign and ingnite a metaphorical mind blowing blaze.

♉ Taurus –No pressure—but you know, it’s endless, the tick tock, tick tock,… Seriously tho, take your time, cause this is a totally at your own pace kind’a deal here, ya know. So, point is, is that the Dr Pants only has one prescription for what ails ya—No, it’s not an enema, why would you even ask that? Geez, and posit thusly: You either get busy living, or you get busy dying. Yet, posit further: there can be only One—get busy living. It’s the only path, the ONE PATH, your golden opportunity, as we inhabit our current star stuff, dreaming about being dreamt of. Leap and then, keep leaping, nets are irrelevant and invisibly ubiquitous. Do or do not. There is no try.

♊ Gemini -It's Gemini time and it's your show, literally, it's your show, like the way a bartender entertains and imbibes his customers, like how a lawyer woos a jury, like a politician kissing just the right gun toting baby. Your public life and private lives are forever twain, not just you, but twins inhabiting one body yet acting as one. Posit: we all have a public and private face—the Stranger, like Billy Joel and Freud got together and got busy. Gemini twins, two faced, a mirror to us all, but deeply involved in being two people at once. Congrats, and happy ass birthdays, you double edged light saber, you.

♋ Cancer –The impending solstice begins and embiggens your birthday time, magnifying you upwards to a state of massive tidal flux, and it’s like, three weeks away, so firstly the Dr Pants advises an in-take of breath, maybe hold it like 3 seconds, and then slowly exhale, releasing with it all doubt and pointless guilt about stupid shite that’s composed of, probably dark matter, the stuff we currently struggle to define—And definition increases the chance of innovation, and exploitation of resources that were previously untapped, like melting glaciers and evolving human sentiment, like we’re all so nearly almost ONE. And yet we are, ONE. Breathe some more, and continue.

♌ Leo -Fine, let’s ditch all the astrological hooey about signs and crap we don’t believe in or espouse of, shall we? Let’s get down to science, and posit this thusly: Jupiter, the biggest gas bag in the system, outside of the Sun—fits over 1300 earth’s inside it btw…she’s a Big Mamma Jamma, or a BMJ according to the JPL. Maybe Jupiter could’ve been a star, but just didn’t have the fusion or the cash to make it happen. The Dr Pants’s point is, is that this massive gas ball affects us with its gravity. It’s literally pulling on you right now, sometimes aligned with the Sun’s gravity and sometimes against. And both WE and Jupiter are made of the same stuff, the same basic parts. Nahh, there’s no connection. Have an ice cream sandwich, a nap, maybe some creative dreamtime, and reconsider ALL possibilities. There might be a spoon.   

♍ Virgo –Look, we all love the Virginal earth, but now is an astrologically perfect time for you solid ground types, despite your molten core, to make a mix tape for someone you love. Posit the larger metaphor, and imagine focusing all your musical energy into one hour for the purpose of making someone else feel something. Put yourself in the shoes of others in order to orthotically lift them to an étude above, an aerie in high orbit, a momentary pedastal, engendering a perspective on adoration. Move your focus out to gain clarity within. Cause another to feel loved and you will receive double in return and probably, unexpectedly.

♎ Libra –Read the following and grok: we just hit new moon in Gemini, our fellow air sign and unpredictable trapeze artist, backed by Gemininian sunlight…Geminian(?)…whatever, which in two weeks becomes a full moon in Sag—your second lover, the one that makes erotic sense, as opposed to the sensible choice, the one that maintains sanity rather than destroying it. Point is, is that Gemini sunlight reflected off a full moon in Sag portends impending fireworks, the kind that illuminate and embiggen. Prep for launch.  

♏ Scorpio –Let us not forget that the word snafu, was originally an acronym, military speak for ‘Situation Normal: All Fucked Up’. The Dr Pants only brings it up because we’re three weeks from a solstice, deep into springtime and Gemininian sunlight…Geminian…no, still sounds off—anyhoo, soon a full moon in Sag, your astro neighbor and jet pack just waiting for somebody to hit the start button. Who knows what could happen! Imagine yourself to be a catalyst between air and fire, making you the juice that thickens the sauce. Bring it, you phoenix, bring it, you molten ocean, you spiritual alchemist, you. Bring it, bring it good, bring it high, and bring it hard. 

♐ Sagittarius –We just had a new moon on Wed which means two weeks to a full moon in Sag, so put on your happy pants, because soon, you will lead us all to the next level. Even if you have no idea where you’re going, just go, we’re all following your lead. Posit: a full Sag moon reflects Gemininian sunlight… Geminian…still sounds wrong, point is, is that Gemini and Sag are cosmic partners, conspiring to light the way mixing air and fire towards whatever is next, but don’t worry about deciding what’s next—just go to there, everyone you love and care for are right by your side. Be the ball, Danny, be the ball.                 

♑ Capricorn –Sometimes when you do something right, no one notices that you’ve done anything at all. That said, posit: yadda yadda, there are no selfless acts, because what may seem altruistic usually results in feeling good about one’s self, therefore, not negating, but cutting into the percentage of selfless giving; that ego is all that exists because ego is a tool we’ve evolved in order to increase, ironically, our collective intelligence and ability to survive as a group. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few and etc. That said, the Dr Pants’s advice: do something wonderful, tell no one, and see how you feel. If you feel good, then do it again. Payback is usually double.

Aquarius ♒ -Okaaayy, so, lies do not become us, yes? And therefore the Dr Pants suggests that We assume the following for the next two weeks until the Sag full moon—a new moon wish if you will… We usually cling to pragmatism, or realism, or whatever scientific method will relieve us from our tendencies to act or opine from an emotional pov, which as we pragmatists know can result in chaos, unintended blow ups and needless sentimentality, and usually about something mundane, like what do you feel like for dinner, honey? The rest of the world don’t think like us, and I’m not saying let your emotions guide you, nor does honesty prevail or exist, but open your heart and see what happens. The Gemini spring is lovely for rebirth, renewal and permission to act rashly.

♓ Pisces -Turns out, smelly asparagus pee is a mere switch of a gene, and a select few, elude the smelly pee. So, posit: are all our idiosyncrasies programmed by the flick of a G, a T, a C or an A, wreaking unintended havoc, resulting in a proclivity to alcoholism, or a propensity for trench mouth, or solipsism? Posit: as we evolve, we may also evolve the ability to consciously influence our genes, thereby increasing the speed of evolution, eventually leading to a moment to moment manipulation of our phenotypes, like maybe we could be different people in the span of a day, possibly each having their own unique genetic traits, and—Whoa! … The Dr Pants went a little Phillip K on you there—in order to make a point—Pleasant changes come with the solstice, in like 3 weeks or so. In the NOW, smell some flowers and regale, for it is spring, and you ride easily the wild spring seas.