Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

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(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

♈ Aries –To alleviate your current condition during the impending Mercury retrograde beginning on Sat btw, the Dr Pants urges you to call upon your sweetest memory, one that will never leave your grey matter, despite the ravages of time—some perfect moment, regardless of hindsight’s accuracy, and use that as a focus, as a spinning plate that as you continue spinning, will bolster your inner fire and fuel your desire for action and thus, resolution, and maybe even redemption. Go backwards until you know your path without question. Revise, revamp and revisit, then conquer.

♉ Taurus –The origin of the word planet means wanderer. Generally the sky appears to move in circular movements—the Sun, the Milky Way, all the stars in the sky, which don’t forget, outnumber all the grains of sand on all the beaches of Earth…the sky is spinning around us, or so it seems. But planets are wanderers, some have longer or shorter orbits than we do, and Mercury, with an orbit of only 88 days, goes into retrograde on Sat for 3 weeks, which many believe to be akin to a writer’s strike in the sky. Posit: this ‘reversal’ is merely an intake of breath, and integral to the ebb and flow of multiversal energy. Go with the ebb, and all will be righteous and royal.

♊ Gemini –Happy birthday. Again. And fret not retrograde Mercury, starting on the 7^th  btw. Retrogrades, like shite, happen, on a regular basis. And instead of engaging in your infamous temper, seek thou rather to rein in your impatience, and experience what may seem like a backward flow, an ebb that takes you seemingly out to sea and away from your immediate goals. Breathe and soak up a Gemininian sun. A Geminian sun. Whatever, just chill—everything is perfect. In fact, because of retrograde, Merc will pass seemingly backward into Gemini on the 17^th for a little re-visitation. Double vision? I hope so, for your sake. Breathe, air, and all will be sweetly delivered in perfect tempo.

♋ Cancer – Firstly, a primer on planetary retrogrades: the origin of the word planet: it means wanderer, because at certain predictable times of the year, it appears to move backwards in the sky. It isn’t really, but it appears so. This particular Merc retrograde ends just days after one of only two yearly solsticii. Solsticesses? That can’t be right—point is, is that we have equal day and equal night on planet Earth, then Merc goes forward again, and whence the Sun will dip its claws into Cancer, and crabs get their party claws on. Expect bursting, titillation, derring-do, intrepid nonchalance, and more than one divine orgasm. You’ve earned it.

♌ Leo –For the next three weeks, it may seem that you’re playing laser tag in a weightless environment, and you have to reorient your senses to the fact that you are without mass, and you might have to be as smart as Ender to get out of this un-lasered. Sorry, I should have mentioned this firstly, that Mercury, the little super heated planet that orbits the Sun every 88 days goes retrograde on Sat for three weeks. How you interpret that will also determine the results of your zero-g laser tag prowess. The Dr Pants advises that you aim with your heart, for it is incapable of error.

♍ Virgo –As Douglas Adams said: Don’t Panic. But let’s say, that Mercury is about to go retrograde on Sat. Wait… Don’t Panic. Firstly, a primer on retrograde: all the planets have different orbital periods, right, obviously the closer to the sun, the shorter the year, example: Mercury’s year is only 88 earth days. It celebrates new year every two and a half months, and while we on earth plod thru our year, sometimes Mercury looks like it’s going backwards in the sky. It isn’t, really, but hence the origin of the word planet, meaning wanderer. Merc seems to go backwards 3-4 times a year for about 3 weeks at a shot. How one interprets that, is infinitely subjective. Don’t go negative, just go with what may seem like a backward flow. All aqueducts lead to Rome, right? Prepare for the ebb, for flow always follows.    

♎ Libra -Bad Cop: starting this Sat, Mercury goes retrograde for three weeks. Medium Cop: So what? I am suspect of this potential hooey. Good Cop: The cycles of the cosmos are endless and meaning can only be ascribed by a truly unbiased soul, which inevitably because of the meaninglessness of it all, will mean nothing to the abyss. Bad Cop: What? Medium Cop: I think what Good Cop is trying to say, is that yeah, a planet looks like it’s going backwards from an earthly pov, but it isn’t, and what meaning we ascribe to that is arbitrary and determined by what outcome makes us feel, even slightly better. Bad Cop: I hate your deep shite talk. Perp: What? Dr Pants: Doubt not the prevailing winds, they do you righteously.

♏ Scorpio –Mercury retrograde is kind of like a New Yorker Cartoon Contest, where people send in their caption to, say, a drawing of a donkey in a leisure suit talking to a used car salesman, and the editors usually go with the most removed, the most subtle and difficult to grasp, something urbane and witty, yet replete with the over perfumed pseudo intellectualism of the east coast elite. The captions come at you from a backward pov, they’re clever and digging and pointed and obtuse. And that’s what Merc retrograde is like. It’s not a setback. It’s a second look, another chance at an unplanned infusion of wisdom. Patience is the watchword.

♐ Sagittarius –Don’t think of the impending Mercury retrograde, beginning on Sat for three bullshite weeks btw, to be a slow down, or work stoppage, but rather a chance to further concentrate your will and desires more specifically and assuredly. Backwards is an illusion, so believe in it not and nary. Let nothing lead you astray, unless it pleases your fire. What, you expected to build Rome in a day? Did you expect to attain enlightenment without frustration at the bureaucracy and the indiscriminate laying of multiversal red tape? You are not delayed, you are embiggened.

♑ Capricorn –Firstly a primer on planetary retrogrades: the origin of the word planet, which means wanderer, because at certain predictable times of the year, appears to move backward in the sky. Ex: Mercury orbits the Sun every 88 earth days, and sometimes from our pov, it looks like it’s backtracking. It isn’t. Nevertheless, on Sat it’s gonna appear to randomly go opposite the spin of the Milky Way. What does it all mean?? The Dr Pants would never proscribe any interpretation upon your wise ways and means, but hey, if things seem bizarre, or bazaar for that matter, just breathe deep the less than oxygenated altitude, and check before you wreck.

Aquarius ♒ -As you know, the Dr Pants is also of the Aquarii, who has also been accused of being a negativist, and then saying, no way, we’re realists and unbiased scientists, and well anyhoo, here’s the straight feces: July and August will likely be times of great change in our pragmatic lives, a series of large portals are opening, and energy is shifting, and here’s the rub: the Dr. Pants actually believes these changes are long awaited and necessary for growth. We are in a time of great energy, act accordingly, and keep handy your happy pants. Ten minutes to show time.   

♓ Pisces -Ahh, Mercury…it’s like a revolving door, like the kind you feel you might get trapped in somehow. It’s small and severely cratered and absurdly hot, like Phoenix Az, but with more charm. And it orbits the Sun in a mere 88 earth days. And generally, the sky seems to move around us in circular-ish movements, and sometimes, planets appear to move backwards in the sky. Merc is like the Flash, he’s faster than you can predict. And starting Sat he’ll seem to reverse course against the sky. But the Dr Pants doesn’t need to tell the likes of fishy fish pisces you about illusion and galactic currents. The time of a Gemini sun is the time to dream of impossible projects.