Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

also on Tumblr !

(not associated with horror nor scopes of any ilk)

♈ Aries –Due to some retrograde planetary action this week, you may experience the feeling of ick, a direct result of listening to someone mindlessly masticate, probably gnawing on something messy, like crab legs, or absurdly chewy ennui. Posit: the jungle from which we’re raised is a noisy one, so many species—but rather than eliminate sounds from the jungle, merely observe which ones to allow to disappear into our own background radiation. Point is, is that two planets appear backwards in the sky now, and June may get funky, especially come solstice time. So, tune in, turn on, don't drop out, but seek thou rather to separate the pure shite from the static cling and arbitrary bull crap that pervades this ‘verse. Divine and conquer.  

♉ Taurus –If thou canst quanta, then quantify thusly: how many rays of sunshine does it take to lighten your mood, or to make you believe that something is possible, that something exists beyond your imagination, something that enriches reality, and buffers us from waves upon waves of multiverses, like an atoll somewhere mid Pacific. How many of us walk with these chains around our necks, convinced of their necessity and inevitability, and that danger ‘lies’ ‘round every reef? What. A. Pisser. Currently, Mercury appears backwards and kerfuffled in the sky. Get some sun, some solstice sun, some vitamin D, and manage the deal, but don’t deal with the work—Work smarter, not harder.

♊ Gemini -The current heavenly clime is arbitrary and miasmic, and the Dr Pants recommends taking shelter, for a short time, in order to avoid your doppelgänger. He/She is about, afoot and intent upon havoc. We all have an evil replicant roving the world in search of uniting with its twin, & thereby destroying the universe, as matter and antimatter collide. Even if you're really bored, don't do this. Avoid the other you at all costs. Have some punch, meet with old friends, Mercury is in retro and all is not lost, like Redford, but narytheless, energy is in flux. T’is almost nigh solstice, surf’s up—catch some waves, or particles, and let them move you. Happy birthday.

♋ Cancer -If you haven't actually felt beauty in while, like the kind of beauty that catches you by surprise, possibly because one's availability to the innate wonderfulness of the infinite multiverse tends to bias our earthly frames towards the limited and the finite, in a world where so much seems so cheap, and the wrong things are valued. Astrologically, t’is the perfect time, to go find some, to go get some, and feel it in your heart for a while, for now is a stellar time to reverse the flow putrid energy, and allow for your innards to fill to the gills, and swell with empathy and sympathy and passion, preferably for something not boring, but intense, and worth the effort and sweat and toil. Open your eyes to possibilities, for they are ubiquitous, unavoidable and usually unforeseen.

♌ Leo -Okay, lss (long story short): Neptune—No, not the Roman god Poseidon rip off, but rather the big ass gas giant out past Saturn, that btw was discovered on paper before it was ever observed. That gas bag is far, Dude, and very large, despite his older and bigger brothers Jup and Sat. The ancients had no idea that Neptune existed, no clue. And yet astrology ascribes it meaning, as the ruler of such and such house, and blah di blah. Our interpretation of Neptune is relatively new, and the Dr Pants only brings it up because it went retrograde this week, and it is a big ball of gas, pulling on all of us, and vice versa. Lss: you’re Leo, a lion, the master of your fate, the mascot of the LA Kings—King of the jungle, baby. So, act accordingly, as usual. Roar, baby… Roar, and if need be: Roar some more.

♍ Virgo –Posit: the gas giants Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune are akin to older gods, those Zeus ousted from power and sent spinning across the sky—The Titans, creators of the world and the multiverse, but who were too primitive for the likes of a Zeusian evolution, and so they became relegated to beyond the asteroid field. Yet due to their massive gravitational wells, they affect us mathematically and directly, all the time. They're pulling on us every which way! But how we ascribe meaning to these giant gaseous oblate spheroids is arbitrary and biased! The Titans may even be friendly, world building, not destroying, smiley beams of gravity waves that enrich and support us. This week: weird stuff, full moon, Mercury and Neptune retrograde. Have a sandwich, regroup, and enjoy a random show.

♎ Libra –Now is the perfect time under a retrograde Mercury and a warm Gemininian sun...Geminian...whatever, point is, is that the Dr Pants advises you to roam, to wander, to be the peregrine nomad Kung Fu master warrior traveler teacher pescatarian shrub gathering train hopping Kerouac Lewis and/or Clark explorer discoverer and journey-man woman and/or child. Enjoy the ride, go ahead and get lost. We'll be right here when you get back. Bring us back an inexpensive curio, something with meaning and emotional weight. But mostly, breathe deep, tis high time to be airborne and free. 

♏ Scorpio –Retreat gets a bad rep/rap, and the Dr Pants is more than mildly outraged at its unfair status. Retreat is not cowardice. Retreat is also defined as: a place of refuge, seclusion, or privacy. A retreat from the waking world, if economically feasible, is exactly what the Dr Pants urges you to do. Even if, however, you're as broke as the good Dr here, get creative, maybe a long meandering bike ride from Playa to Hermosa, pack a lunch and some SPF and ignore the rest of us for awhile. Mercury is 'going backwards' and it’s a perfect time to count some photons and make some vitamin D. Retreat enriches and embiggens the soul, try some, & breathe deep the life.

♐ Sagittarius -So, fyi, Neptune, the big blue green gas giant way out past Uranus, just went retrograde. What? Did something happen? Kind of. First, some facts: Neptune wasn't even actually seen with human eyes til 1846, so why did we name it after the god of the sea, the underworld, the mysterious deep, from whose bourn no traveler returns? It puzzles the will. Time, amidst oceanic depths, is long and skewed toward the transcendent. The planets that are gas giants, are like behemoth oceans in space, made of gas that seem liquid due to sheer volume and mass. Neptune is humungoid®, and currently it appears to be going backward in the sky. Make of that what you will, and if you can muster, have a dream about flying, and living ‘mongst eagles and mating in mid air ‘midst the wind, the adrenaline and the glory. 

♑ Capricorn -During this time of Mercury and Neptune retrograde, the Dr Pants posits thusly: consider the hippocampus, the part of the brain that tends to such delicacies as memory and spatial navigation, and when it's cross sectioned, resembles a hippocampus, which in Greek means seahorse. Odd nomenclature, yes? We have two of them btw, dual hippocampii, and they took millions of years to evolve. Their symbolism is rife with portent. The Dr Pants urges you, Capricornius, the sea goat—and you can look that up, you fake mountain climber—he advises you to get to an ocean, it's high solstice time to commune and reunionize with your oceanic family tree.

Aquarius ♒ -What happens when our neuroreceptors don't get enough REM sleep? They lose their sensitivity to serotonin and norepinephrine. Which leads to? Impaired cognitive function, yes yes, the bane of an Aquarian mind, and sometimes, the respite, the reduction from the weltshmertz and the ennui that pervades our—shite! Nooo! We must not go gentle into that good night! Here’s the rub: Mercury = bye bye til July, and Neptune, river of dreams and Roman rip off of Greek symbolism—also retrograde—all part of the usual cycle, nothing to see here, so move along, right? Interpret as you will, these massive planetary bodies doing reverse sambas in the sky. Let our collective brain breathe, right? Also, read Capricorn, and wise up.

♓ Pisces -The average hug is a paltry 1-3 seconds long, and t’is time for the Mother Teresa within you to extend, expound upon and stump for a longer term. The Dr Pants challenges you to embrace the ones you love intimately and unabashedly for up to 6 seconds! Maybe even a full half minute, should you find the cajones! You are a vessel of transcendent and effulgent emotion, and the time of sharing is now. To quote the Bacharach, ‘what the world needs now, is love, sweet love, it's the only thing that there's just too little of’... hug the ones you love, and hug maybe a stranger or three. Your curative powers are unwaveringly and rampantly aroused, indefatigable, irrepressible, irresistible and irreversible. Hug on, brougham, hug on.