Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

also on Tumblr !

(not associated with horror or scopes of any ilk)

♈ Aries –This week at 3:51am PDT June 21^st, the Earth will pause in timespace, and this shite will ensue: 1) the Earth will start tilting the other way, southerly, and Aussies will begin winter and we—the royal WE will begin summer, with shorter days and warm winds of change, 2) simultaneously the Sun will tidally slide into the constellation Cancer—water party!, and 3) the Earth will hold still for the briefest of moments—we’ve been tilting northward for 6 months, and now, our planet will hold its collective breath and start tilting the other way. Pendulum swing, wormholes, dogs and cats living together—mass peace rallies and orgiastic fetes—act accordingly.

♉ Taurus –If you're in the neighborhood of Stonehenge on June 21st, check out the modern day Druids that carry on what they believe to be ancient practices come solstice time... 3:51am PDT June 21st btw. Starting Fri you may feel the urge to stay up and party, or clean, or create, or dance as if no one was watching. Then on Sat, the urge to party further may take over, and a redoubling of efforts may be required. The solstice is a moment in time where the earth holds still and after a heart beat, starts tilting our mass the opposite way, pendulum swing, reversal of misfortune, who knows what beauteous portents are portended!! Wear a belt, pack a change of attitude and behold the inevitable swing.

♊ Gemini –In the middle of the night/I go walking in my sleep/From the mountains of faith/To a river so deep/I must be looking for something/ Something sacred I lost/But the river is wide/And it's too hard to cross/ And even though I know the river is wide/I walk down every evening and I stand on the shore/And try to cross to the opposite side/So I can finally find out what I've been looking for… This last week of your birthday time ends on 3:51am PDT July 21^st, when the Sun alchemically changes from Gemini air to Cancery liquidity, and doors open wide that were previously unseen. Channels and wormholes and shite you’ll find amazing and true.

♋ Cancer –Posit this action: at 3:51am PDT June 21^st, the Earth stops tilting northerly, pauses for the briefest of moments and starts tilting the other way—the entire earth holds still, for a moment in spacetime. Meanwhile and simultaneously our Sun slips from Gemini into the constellation of Cancer, air becomes water, all air signs do—transmogrifying one element into another...alchemically reminiscent of Prometheus at high atmo, stealing fire and lighting up humankind. This week, a solstice, a doorway, a wormhole even, and transform thyself into what your next crabby carapace might be. The oceans are warm, friendly & ubiquitous. Swim freely.

♌ Leo -This particular Merc retro episode which ends come July, is the N^th degree, the ultimate, the penultimate, the paragon, and paradigm shattering huzzah huzzah yadda yadda and etc that will be burgeoning forth in defiance of June gloom, and rocketeering you towards change and chance, and freedom and reorganization, and things only fools dare to dream of. This summer, which starts at 3:51am PDT June 21^st could prove life changing, so act accordingly. Come July, big energy release that lasts a month and more, from Independence to Labor Day. Solstice is here, time to gear way up and soon, time to explode into space, like a true nature’s child, born to be wild.

♍ Virgo –Posit this action: The earth’s 23°of tilt is like a pendulum swing, and at 3:51am PDT June 21st, we hit solstice. The earth will hang ten for like a second and then we'll start swinging the other way, with shorter days and warm pacific winds, while simultaneously the Sun will slip from Gemini air into Cancer water, alchemically probably the gentlest of elemental transitions. Water and air work together all the time—we make the weather for the sake of pete! Sure, an occasional hurricane, tornado, polar vortex, inspiration for terrible disaster movies, but mostly it's summertime and the livin is easy. One of the most interesting energy times of the year is here. Breathe.

♎ Libra –Your feats of mental and verbal funambulism are replete with derring-do, lightning reflexes, neurons that fire faster and higher than the average hoi polloi. The Dr Pants doesn’t recommend hiding it, for what’s the use? Shite never stays buried, right? Anyhoo, at 3:51am PDT June 21^st, we hit solstice, the earth will hang ten in spacetime for a brief moment, while simultaneously the Sun slips subtly from Gemini into the constellation of Cancer, and the water-air relationship inexorably continues apace and afoot. Your ‘scope is simple: find water, let your airy pulchritude be subsumed by a complimentary liquidinous partner. Bathe, renew and refresh.

♏ Scorpio –It's solstice time! Quick primer: the earth goes ‘round the sun, right, but as it does, it also tilts back and forth to around 23 degrees north and south of the equator, right, giving us seasons, so at 3:51am PDT June 21st we reach a tipping point, where the earth, like a pendulum, starts tilting back the other way, giving the southern hemisphere their sun back, and giving us shorter days and warm summer winds. And at this critical moment of solstice, for a tiny second, the earth sort of stands still in spacetime, while meanwhile and simultaneously, the sun slips lushly into the constellation of Cancer. Elemental change is afoot and apace, especially come July when Merc is done retrograding. Prepare your party pants.

♐ Sagittarius –OK, solstice on Sat, big deal actually, but let’s talk Merc retrograde and a tendency towards déjà vu, and dammit it, if this doesn’t smell like something that’s happened before, maybe just a similar experience, maybe we have a solstice twice a year and history inevitably repeats ourselves. Or…maybe this particular doorway, where the Earth literally hangs ten in timespace and changes direction, is a wormhole that you’ve fallen thru before. Maybe come Sat, you’ll find yourself right where you fell the first time. This time, choose different, reboot & reward thyself.   

♑ Capricorn –The constellations have been arbitrarily decided over millennia, a crab here, a goat there, but these groups of stars are just here for the moment, like of the rest of the universe—they’re all on the move. Someday our sky will look totally different as everything moves away from everything else. On 3:51am PDT June 21^st, we hit solstice, the earth hangs ten for just a second, and then our planetary mass starts tilting the other way, and simultaneously the Sun seductively slips from Gemini into Cancer—a crabby animal that’s existed for much longer than us mere humans. The Dr Pants’s point is, is that it might all mean nothing, IT may just be the start of summer foreboding nothing, neither ill nor fortuitous. And yet…it might be a doorway—a wormhole of a moment of massive planetary shifting and imminent change. Just like the shift from Sag into Cap and winter solstice…weird. Entropy and OCD may need to agree to disagree and be cool.

Aquarius ♒ -Don't let our reputation as water bearers make you feel like an ass when the Dr Pants lays it down and reminds you that we're an air sign, and lest ye forget, air moves waves of water, evaporates it and carries it high into the atmo. Air moves earth, sandstorms cover whole civilizations, turning mountains into molehills, we sculpt rock and we carve earth. And lightning is merely fire created betwixt air and water at high altitudes and cold temps—basic chemistry—WE make fire. The water we bear is knowledge that we Aquarii drop on the multitudes, to help guide us all into light. And on 3:51am PDT June 21st, we hit solstice, and the sun goes from Gemini to Cancer, we move from air to water, and a tilting point...and in a month, on to fire, and Leo and kingly duties. For now, let water move you.

♓ Pisces –“No Tessio's men, no one, Pop’s all alone.” It was this tiny line from Godfather I that leads the Dr Pants to believe, infer, imply and elucidate that forces like Merc retrograde and an impending solstice at 3:51am PDT June 21^st, where the earth will hang ten in spacetime for a quick moment, and meanwhile & simultaneously the Sun will slip seaward into the constellation Cancer—that we’re at that moment where Pacino arrives at his father’s hospital room, the guards are gone, and it was Tessio/Aprea/Vigoda that was the traitor after all, and not Clemenza. This week, big energy shift—paying attention might pay off. Unforeseen treasure is nigh.