Dr. Pants Mcturd's MORE Than True Horrorscopes

Dr Pants McTurd's

More Than True Horror-scopes

(associated with neither horror nor scopes of any ilk)

Quality futurism that doesn’t suck!

♈ Aries –Post solstice, we are now new moon in Cancer, sun in Cancer, and Mercury’s going to start moving ‘forward’ in the skies once again—and honestly for a planet named for a fleet footed god, he seems to go backwards an awful lot, yet narytheless, this northern hemi summer is poised to be reckless, wild, abandoned and intent upon leaving you wondering when you’ll divine the time to take a breathe and sort out all the season’s boons and benefits, much less get to the dirty laundry that’s been piling up. Rip roaring is a phrase that comes to mind. Yet rest assured, you’re belted in, and probably won’t be permanently affected, but this ride is neither for the timid nor the reactionary. Buck up and strap in. Game on and indeed afoot.

♉ Taurus –Many astrologers use the languid northern hemisphere temps of a Cancer sun to label Cancers as secretive, sheltered and agoraphobic, which the Dr Pants would like to decry as false, misleading, and only occasionally true. The constellation of Cancer has been part of humanity’s lingo for centuries, and furtherly, crabs have been a staple of human diet for centuries—we’ve lived off crabs, they sustain us—they’ve also existed much longer than us primates, the horseshoe crab par ex. came into existence some 500 million years ago. They’ve survived 500 million years of constant climate change, extinction episodes, and mankind’s pollutive industrial evolution. Final posit: the time of the Crab is fierce, perhaps eternal and super juicy. Run with this ancient solar wind…run free, run hearty and get some vitamin D.

♊ Gemini –Okay, posit this shite that the Dr. Pants just thunk up: The solar wind, right, a stream of photons, energy & radiation emitted by the Sun—til its inevitable super nova anyway…and this wind, this sunlight, is streaming at us with the added gravitational wisdom of the constellation Cancer, we’re soaking up ancient Cancerian light energy, along with the pull of our Sun. Firstly, think of space and distant stars, then the force that they exert on us, all pulling us towards the same distant region of spacetime. Lines of force are everywhere, Merc is nigh out of retrograde, sort of…time to catch a fast train, and let the rest of us catch up to you. Go fast, don’t look back.

♋ Cancer –Quick interstellar primer: a neutron star is what’s left after a sun goes super nova, imagine something as big as a star compressed to something ‪über dense only a few miles across—heavy shite right? And often, these neutron stars are surrounded by nebulae, leftover gases, mostly helium and hydrogen and lots of radiation, that enshroud the neutron star, making something scientifically fascinating and also pretty to look at. The Dr Pants only brings it up because at the center of the constellation Cancer, thru which our sun is currently couch surfing, at the center is the Crab Pulsar and hencely the Crab Nebulae, which was first observed by actual people a thousand years ago—as that distant sun went nova. Combine this thusly: Crab. Nebula. Nexus. Heliocentric savoir faire and muy más macho going on, you dig? Happy birthday, you ancient crustacean you. And maybe read Gemini too for good measure.

♌ Leo –Oy and frak, the Dr. Pants didn’t think we’d ever get here, June being so rubber bandy and endlessly elastic, finally, it’s July, a new moon, a fresh start with new sunlight and a mathematical change of perspective and prospectus, Mercury creeping ‘back’ into ‘forward’ again, and before this joint gets jumpin, take a minute, take a long hot bath, and contemplate where to, how fast, how much and to whose face you’re planning on bringing it to. Northern Hemi Summer is officially underway, and more than any in recent leonine memory, this summer is action jam packed. Take the weekend & find your center, for the games are afoot and the party way started.  

♍ Virgo –Your time in the waiting room is nigh done, and tho your name will not be called, grow up, quit the waiting and step foot into the office, and own it—OWN those souls who would seek to rail, kvetch and bemoan your luck—which isn’t luck—this here solar system is spring loaded, and we’re on the forefront of a four fold cross rip, a PKE surge of incredible even dangerous proportions. Coil. Spring. Summer. Energy release, nebula formation and fireworks, lots of fire working in your favor. Recent solstice, now Cancer Sun, nigh Leonine fire time, and your birthdays. Get up, ride the snake, for he/she and you are one. Ride like the wind up toward a mountainous goal.

♎ Libra –Posit: Thanks to a recent solstice, our Sun lies languidly against a backdrop of Cancerian constellular energy, and after a new moon backdropped in Cancer, a full moon in Cap is just 2 weeks away, and therefore the Dr Pants furtherly posits that: now is a time of building in the northern hemi, lots of sun, plenty of vim, vigor, vitality & moxie, with enough to spare for really close friends who need a lift after recent planetary retrogrades and solsticular® movements. You are air in a time of vast aerating movement and readjustment to our sun’s blazoning photonic tantrums & titillations. Follow your will unquestionably, for it is never wrong, but now, tis ‘specially right on, infallibly super tender and righteous.

♏ Scorpio –In the northern hemi, now tis a time of growth & strength, vigor & vim, & bold audacious attempts at exploration, for the glaciers have retreated…according to what extremes, who is to say, but frettheenot, for now tis the season to build layer ‘pon layer, so that come harvest time and thy natal days, that we may unravel what has been wrought, spun & woven, like straw into gold. If you have yet to plant, get busy & get sowing, plan now & reap later. Garden your self upwards, for the Cancer sun is warm and encouraging of growth. Grow large now—there is nothing else.

♐ Sagittarius -5 months from now, we’ll be gearing up for Sag sun time—so, check this posit the Dr Pants just decided to espouse: we passed solstice, right, and in 6 months we get another, & furtherly, the June solstice occurs precisely at the moment when our Sun moves from the constellation Gemini into Cancer, & still furtherly, at the Dec solstice, the Sun moves from Sag into Capricorn, air into water, right, and in Dec, fire into earth—both at exact moments of extreme earthly tilt. If, like the Dr Pants, you’re in the northern hemi, this next 6 months is where you’re capable of building more productively & sagaciously than the previous 6. Arrows to the ready.

♑ Capricorn –Astrological froo fraw and falderal aside, let’s talk angles and geometry and shite, & posit thusly: the constellations Cap and Cancer are opposite each other, like literally, opposite each other in space in terms of the earth’s ecliptic, they’re on opposite sides us, right, and furtherly the Sun transits into Cap and Cancer respectively at the exact moments of the solstices…the solsticii…no, that can’t be right—point is, is that the moment of transition into your birthday times is a unique moment, where we start tilting the other way. Astrologically, the Dr Pants could ruin this with some metaphor about holistic energy and flibberdy floo and yoga, but that’s all shite. Do some math, make plans, the next 6 months might be very possibly mucho productive, soulfully nutritious and divinely regenerative.

Aquarius ♒ -Ok, imagine space, right, and all the constellations of the twelve astrological signage, they move around us in the sky in the plane of the ecliptic—still follow—and we just recently hit solstice, where Earth, which tilts up and down, giving us seasons, right, we stop tilting one way and start tilting back the other way, allowing Aussies to steal our sun. The Dr Pants’s point is, is that the Sun just slipped into Cancer, we’re tilting the other way, the new moon is also in Cancer, and in 2 weeks a full Cap moon, and then the next full moon—all the while tilting southward—the next full moon is in Aquarius. Spacetime awaits your/our ingenuities & proclivities toward off angle solutions and sudden panaceas. Dream, engender and ratify.

♓ Pisces –Posit this shite: if you believe Pisces is a water sign, then so is Cancer, right, and furtherly posit that your relationship/resemblance to water might go past the metaphorical, and still furtherly, Cancer is considered the youngest of water signs, making you the oldest—more mature, let’s say, and yet furtherly, if the crab represents ancient life on earth, been surviving here super way longer than mere fish—or humans!—and furtherly posit that Pisces might actually represent not merely aquatic flora &/or fauna, but as well the larger largess of the ocean, the entire ocean of earth, all of the water, from deep yet undiscovered depths, to life breeding tide pools, to snow at the top of Everest. Point is, is that we’re in the time of Cancer sun, Cancer new moon and Merc is done pretending to be lost in the cosmic forest. As usual, make something happen, make something true.